WHAT TO DO?! Our priest ditched us! Venue change? SO mad!

ohnoitskaroljo · July 2012

OKAY - here we go.

When FI & I started dating we went and hunted down our perfect church. Thought we found it. We're Catholic. Our original priest left because it was time for the archdiocese to change their priests. OK fine. Got a new priest - he hated some stuff going on so he left (and we thought he'd be presiding over our wedding) - ok whatever. Didn't know who would preside. New priest started about a month or two ago. Told he'd do our ceremony. Meet with our deacon on tuesday and have everything set - tell him we do NOT want a full mass because I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on other people. He says that's fine.

Go yesterday and get our marriage license which says this new priest will be doing our wedding. Have plans to meet with him tonight. Confirm appt with him this morning - an hour later he tells me he's NOT doing our wedding because we're not having a full mass. So instead he's having the retired deacon do our wedding (he did my daughter's baptism) - if we wanna change that info on our marriage license we have to go back to the courthouse AND pay $10 to do it. And quite frankly, I don't want that deacon to do our wedding. We really liked this new priest - but now I don't even like him

NOW - I don't even WANT to get married in the Catholic church because I'm SO upset that they just shoved us off and don't seem to care about our wedding. And now I have ZERO intention of returning to the Catholic faith after this (I've practiced many religions and I was just a Christian before I returned to Catholicism when FI and I started dating - at that time I liked the masses, but now I'm just upset with the Church). (OH and FI served as an altar boy under a priest for 14 years, tried to get him and he didn't even RESPOND to emails or phone calls until YESTERDAY and even then just talked to FI's mom and not FI himself and he tried contacting him like 2 months ago!!!)

NOW I don't know what to do. We're 29 days from the wedding. My cousin is a Baptist minister and did my aunts' and cousins' weddings. I wanted him from the get go to do mine but it meant SO much to FI to get married in a catholic church because his folks would want that and he's the first of 5 boys to get married.

Our reception venue has a gazebo that they hold weddings at and our ceremony is only an hour before our reception. I'm asking them if we could possibly have the ceremony there (if they can have 175+ people...) ... and now i'm waiting to hear back from them. I don't know what to do.

If we change the venue then we gotta contact everyone and give them a heads up that they should go directly to the reception hall at 6pm. But then we could make the ceremony at 6:30 to allow people to get there in time.

What would you do in my shoes? I don't wanna get married in a place that has such negativity for me and where I have ZERO intention of ever returning! At our reception hall we can just go there and have a really nice dinner on our anniversaries and it'll never be a negative place.,

FI is upset too but he still wants to just get married at the church - he doesn't seem nearly as upset as me. I didn't even WANT a regular wedding - I wanted to elope and go to paris instead (would have been CHEAPER!) - and he thinks I'm being somewhat unreasonable by not just having a full mass so the Fr. will do it - but I don't even want him now!!! If I have to have a regular wedding I want it done by someone who GIVES A SH!T!!! So upset.

VNEluvsAJB · July 2012

I think you need to take 24 hours and calm down before doing anything. It sounds like the church went through some changes that have nothing to do with you or negativity toward your wedding. Also, this new priest may have beliefts that are different from the previous priests. Unless you'd met with him and he'd agreed to conduct the ceremony without a full mass then I don't think this is his fault. Don't hold the fact that things change-old people leave and new people come in- against them or the faith.

The reason you agreed to this wedding was for your fiance and he still wants it. Marriage is about compromise and this would be a good place to start. I understand you're frustrated but think of the frustration your FI will feel at changing the plan 1 month before the wedding and at the frustration you'll go through trying to call 175+ people.

If you change the ceremony the fact is you'll still have to get a new marriage license and pay the $10. If it was me, I would let the deacon perform the ceremony and get the new license.

ohnoitskaroljo · July 2012

Oh I've sacrificed and compromised a TON for my FI. Believe me. I won't even get into that. heh. if ANYTHING he owes ME some compromises and sacrifices.

I AM taking time to think about this - I'm just so frustrated. I'm not returning to this church after this. It's been back and forth non stop about our wedding and it's just absolutely ridiculous.

ElyseE25 · July 2012

I am very mad for you. I'm not a very religious person and my FI family is so I let their pastor marry us but I told my FI that it was going to be inside and not in a church. So at least we were able to compromise more than you guys were. Honestly if it were me I would bite the bullet and change the ceremony site to your reception site. I know it sucks have to call 175+ people but you were probably going to have to call most of them anyway to track down wayward RSVP's (that is if your family and friends are like all the other people on here). The ceremony is supposed to be the most important part of the wedding so if your not happy maybe your FI would be able to give in this one time. Also I tip that I found on the internet is have his family call your side and your family call his side, that way nobody gets stuck on the phone for hours. Good luck, let us know what you decide.

katehar01 · July 2012

I understand your frustration - I'd be frustrated, too - but you need to have a long talk with your FI about this. Why does he want a church ceremony - is he a practicing Catholic? Or is he trying to appease his parents? Is it's the former, he's not really going to want to compromise on this one - according to his beliefs, if he doesn't get married within the Church, your marriage won't be recognized. If it's for his parents' sake, explain your feelings to him and try to come to a compromise.

Also, if you don't want to be Catholic, don't be, but it strikes me as strange for you to say "this one church treated us poorly, I'm leaving Catholicism!" Not every church is the same. Whatever you decide, if you're planning to have children, make sure you discuss what their religious education will be BEFORE you get married. Good luck!

ohnoitskaroljo · July 2012

I have a 6 year old, she attended this church school (same church we're marrying in) for kindergarten last year. It's not just this one thing that is making me want to leave Catholicism. I was confirmed last year at the easter vigil and since then things have kinda gone stale for me. I'm a very religious person, but it's a personal journey for me, it's not something I care to share with others. Does that make sense? My children will be raised with religion readily available to them, but uiltimately it will be THEIR choice, I won't force them in anything at all. I was spoonfed Catholicism as a kid and I went through A LOT of differing religious beliefs trying to find what worked for me after that. It's something I think everyone needs to come to grips with for themselves. and FI is very well aware of this and we have a few years before we plan to have more children regardless.

Honestly - all I ever wanted was just to marry my FI and live happily ever after. So to have all this sh!t go down, it was really upsetting for me. I'm a few hours out from when this bomb was dropped on me and I'm a bit more calm.

FI and I are having my parents take my daughter for the night so we can sit and really thoroughly discuss this and figure out what we're going to do. Looks like I may be conceding and getting married still at the church with the deacon even though in my heart of hearts it's not really what I want.

After this, I already told FI I'm at LEAST taking a hiatus from Catholicism and figuring my own stuff out. I can't deal with that much dram and crap just to get married. We had to go thru counceling and tests and an "engagement enrichment day". It was SO much red tape and then on top of it all we're being jerked around. It's just making me crazy.

Either way I won't be returning to that specific church. We've moved away from the area regardless so if we DO continue with Catholicism it'll need to be nearer to our new home.

Bah. It's just a lot to think about. And it's just SO bad because it's 29 days before our ceremony! And yeah we have like almost half of our guestlist to contact because they haven't RSVP'd yet. />.<

At this point I just want it all to be over. This is such a struggle for me because all I ever wanted was just to elope and have it be just me and him. I tried to get him to do this LAST YEAR - but no. So so so frustrating.

LibbyC730 · July 2012

I have to agree with some PPs, I'd definitely let things cool off for a couple of days before making any big decisions. Talk it over with FI, find something you're both comfortable with and enjoy your day!
That being said, in the end, I would stick with the original priest and the full mass. I am not Catholic and I do not agree with all the beliefs or in pushing my personal beliefs on other. However, I think people attending a marriage ceremony in a Catholic Church will expect some sort of religious service without feeling like they're expected to convert.
I attended a Catholic wedding last summer that had full Latin mass. It was beautiful and I didn't feel out of place at all. The church/Priest were also last minute decisions for the bride because at the rehearsal their other priest at their original church made a comment about how children were disruptive and unnecessary in weddings/rehearsals. (Apparently their flower girl had been too active.) They found a new church that night! It worked out ok and everyone was able to make it to the new church on time!

ohnoitskaroljo · July 2012

The full mass was NEVER an option. That was not once in our plan. And they KNEW this. But still have tried to push the full mass on us.

And now my good friend has offered to gift us for our wedding, the gazebo at our reception site AND rent chairs so we can have a beautiful outdoor wedding.

Which has made us both incredibly conflicted.

This priest was fairly rude about the whole ordeal and we didn't even receive any kind of common courtesy in notifying us that he was considering not doing it (Literally we confirmed with him and then an hour later he suddenly isn't doing it anymore) or having someone else do it - we don't even get a choice in which Deacon would do our wedding.

We're both feeling very hurt and betrayed right now. This isn't just about my feelings, FI is feeling the same and his loyalty to the Church is being shaken. It's a really hard thing for us.

LibbyC730 · July 2012

Very thoughtful and generous gesture on behalf of your friend. Good luck making a decision you can both happily look back on...this is a tough one.

rungirl12 · July 2012

I agree with the previous posters to sit on this for a day or two. I know how ramped up I get immediately after something doesn't go my way and how much I cool off by waiting. Honestly, so close to the date, I feel as though the easiest thing to do would be to confirm with the retired deacon that he will do it (officiant, check). You were going to go with him at one point as it was.

I understand how you have a bad taste in your mouth about these people, their church, and unfortunately, their religion. Now, I am NOT a religious person at all, but I do understand some people have very strong beliefs about it. That being said, with your FI rooting for a church wedding, I would consider sticking with the original plan for not only the ease, but because he will be really happy. I think it would be more likely that you regret taking that away from him than you would regret going through with a catholic ceremony. The gazebo is a very nice option (distraction!), but it will ultimately cause a large hassle in notifying your guests and starting from square one with a new officiant and a new vendors (such as chair rental & the venue).

ohnoitskaroljo · July 2012

Thanks everyone for the advice

FI and I finally got to sit down and have a long talk about this yesterday after work and I asked him what he REALLY wants in his heart of hearts and he wants the Catholic wedding (no mass, he's agreed to that for me). SO - we're going to have the Catholic wedding - try once more to get his childhood priest to do the ceremony and if not, we'll let the retired deacon do it (we do like him but it just wasn't at all what we anticipated for our wedding).

I've calmed down a lot after many many hours of tears yesterday - but we talked with our parents and with eachother and I think this will work out alright. Granted, in MY heart of hearts it's not exactly what I had wanted, but none of this is as I wanted to elope from the get-go.

At this point I just really want to marry the love of my life and continue on this wonderful journey together.

WHAT TO DO?! Our priest ditched us! Venue change? SO mad!

Re: WHAT TO DO?! Our priest ditched us! Venue change? SO mad!

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