Remarriage after divorce

KCStarner2Be · November 2009

How long did most of you wait before you got remarried? Is there a certain time frame that's acceptable?

right1thistime · November 2009

While we have had lots of lively discussions- I think the answer is very individual. Some marriages come crashing down around the parties, leaving them both burned and bruised. In those cases - letting the wounds heal and the emotions equilibrate is important. Some people get consumed by their marriage - so much that they lose their sense of self. Or they were never independent and never developed their sense of self. To those people I would suggest time to BE. And for some marriages, they dwindle and slowly die. They are often dissipated and dessicated by the time the parties recognize that they have nothing left, and agree to part. The hurts are old, and healed, and the parties may be ready to move quickly into a living relationship. For me - I met DH 5 months after seperating, and 3 months before my divorce. We were married 7 years later. ~Donna

LesPaul · November 2009

That question gets a great big "it depends". I don't think there's an 'acceptable' time frame - unless you're dating before the divorce is final. That's too soon, in my opinion. I was divorced 4 years before dating seriously again. That relationship lasted 3.5 years (didn't marry or live together). Married current DH 11 years after divorce from ex-H.

BillsGN Bride · November 2009

Well I don't know about a certain time frame, my divorce wan't final until about a year and a half after I threw the bum out (literally), I met my Fi while my divorce was still pending, papers were in, but they have a waiting period and such. We just got engaged about a month ago (11 months after my divorce was finalized), but honesly it's a personal decision, my brothers X got remarried just 18 days after it was finalzed, and she seems very happy now.

right1thistime · November 2009

To LesPaul - I was dating before my divorce was final. My marriage had been over for years. Perhaps - for you- dating before the divorce was final was not appropriate. For me it was affirming to find that I could relate to a man in a healthy way, that I could be in control of my own life, and that I could enjoy spending time with someone. I had spent years fantasizing about how my life could be if my (now x) husband would just DIE. Once I made the change, I was alive again, and interested in being female, feeling emotions, and having fun. However - in my situation, we are in a no fault divorce state, my xH had no desire to have custody of the children, he would have no opportunity to take over the house, and in general, I had been supporting him for years, so he was not going to need ammunition in the divorce. Even still - now DH and I were very cautious about being a couple in public as we felt appearances mattered. The divorce was final 3 months after our first date. ~Donna

LesPaul · November 2009

Donna - I didn't mean to offend anyone, and I aploogize if I did offend. I know everyone's situation is different. However - in general - it is better to wait until the divorce is final (especially if there are children involved). I think most of us 'mature' brides on this board realize that. I know from my own experience, that even though the marriage was over long before the divorce was even filed, I didn't even want to consider dating for the first year. Mainly because at the time I felt like a stupid, fat, ugly, worthless POS (I know - self esteem issues here), but my children were in elementary school and they wouldn't have understood then. So waiting was appropriate for me.To address the OP question - there is no 'acceptable time frame' - your own situation dictates how long to wait before dating or remarrying.

right1thistime · November 2009

No offense taken. My kids were in elementary school as well. My dating did not involve them. They were with baby sitters when I was married to their father and after, when I was working in town government and attending meetings, when I was campaigning, when I was with girlfriends and when I was on a date. The impetus for me to involve them had far more to do with being in a serious relationship than with the finality of a divorce- which they were also NOT involved in. When I thought there was a possibility that DH would be a permanent part of my life, that was when my children began to spend time with him. And to the issue of self esteem- once free of the worthless waste of skin that I was married to (sorry, TMI) I never felt so pretty, worthwhile, valuable and desirable. So, I think more than anything else- the answer to this question depends on where you are personally. So I would disagree with your statement that the majority of women with maturity would wait to date until after the divorce was final. I may be the minority, but I disagree. ~Donna

LesPaul · November 2009

Agreed, Donna. When I did start dating, most of my first dates were lunches or coffee, and my children knew nothing about it. I didn't bring anyone into their world until it was a more substantial relationship. I feel the same way - losing that 225 lbs (the xH) was exhilirating for me. And I ended up finding a wonderful man because I was in a healthy, happy place as a woman after the divorce. I didn't become complete because of my current DH, but found him because I was already complete.

2dBride · November 2009

My divorce was final in 1996. I got remarried in 2009.However, I don't think that there is a set period to wait. I was definitely dating before the divorce was final. I had 50/50 custody of the kids, and just dated on the weeks they were with him. However, at that point, I avoided any serious relationships, not wanting to have a rebound relationship.My personal view is that, divorced or not, it's a good idea to wait until the initial infatuation is over to get married--and that can take 2-3 years. However, I'm the first to admit that people's situations can differ wildly.

Catalina Island Bound · November 2009

I agree that there's no "rule" with regard to any time frame. It's all individualized ~ everyone has a unique situation, and I firmly believe there is no right or wrong in this case.

NYHarleyBride · November 2009

Having gone through a divorce that took almost 4 years (and that was AFTER the break-up), I have to say I definitely dated before it was final. And actually, I was probably the exact opposite of you Les. I had felt unwanted for so long, I was dying to go out and meet people and have someone notice ME. Like 2D, dating was always when my son was with his father. All that said, it was 3 relationships and 13 years later before I re-married. My DH was only legally divorced 9 months before our marriage however, they had been separated and in proceedings for three years (welcome to NY). What alarms me are the situations I read where someone was married for a year or two, gets divorced, is engaged 3 months later and planning a wedding the same year.

ChocolateDiamond1 · November 2009

its amazing to hear all the different opinions on this issue. I was married right out of college to my ex because we both thought thats what came next... we dated, we lived together, we graduated college and got married. Over the next couple of years we just started to grow apart... we had different dreams etc. We officially seperated in August 2008. It did get very nasty for a while, the divorce that is. I met my Fiancee' in October 2008 and he proposed October 2009. He is truly my prince. My ex and I had no children so that was not an issue. We will be married in September 2010. I think this is a very personal option and opinion... do what you feel comfortable with!

handfast4me · November 2009

I think what is acceptable is entirely up to you--but here's what I did. I was married for nearly 18 years by the time the divorce was final, but we were seperated for 2 years before we finally got around to filing (it only takes 30 days for an uncontested in GA, but there were issues with the paperwork, etc.) By the time we actually seperated, though, we'd gone through the hate, grieving, and then were OK with being sort of "distant friends" if that means anything. I declined to date until my divorce was final because I live in the bible belt, and was aware that things could turn ugly at any time. I was officially divorced in October 2003, had about 50 first dates in the next 12 months, and met DH in November of 2004. We casually dated for a few months, then became exclusive in about March. We were handfasted on Yule in 2006, and legally married (after waiting the traditional year and one day, and then some) in March 2008.

thealphabride · November 2009

I agree that there is no acceptable time frame. I agree with the some of the other posters in that you should wait until any initial infatuation period is over before deciding to get married. It takes a long time to really get to know someone. To know who they are and who they aren't. Your children are your first obligation so make sure (if you have kids) the situation will contribute to their overall growth and well being in a positive way. I will have been actually divorced 12 years when we marry next fall. We will have dated for 6 years. (didn't live together) We both have teenaged boys.

TheEncoreBride · November 2009

What's acceptable depends on the individual, in my case, I've been divorced for 8 years.

catcronley · November 2009

I agree there is no acceptable time frame; however, since you are asking about it it seems that you may feel that it is too soon for you. Or maybe you are concerned about what others will say. Until you are not just comfortable, but thrilled with your decision, wait.CC

Remarriage after divorce

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