Skipping a Step

Hazel_B · July 2010

I know there has been plenty of discussion about people outside of your relationship asking questions about when you are getting married, then when you'll have kids, etc. etc, but has anyone experienced this?

My BF and I live together, but this is a recent thing, and have been together about a year and a half. Recently we've been getting a lot of questions about our relationship, but they are skipping clear over getting married and asking about kids. For example, BF's mom and I were talking about some change she'd heard about women's access to mortgages due to pregnancy. So, I was asking questions about what maternity benefits were like in the US and if that would be why she'd heard this. So, we were discussing what the differences were between Canada and the USA. Also, how mine from work would differ from that, as an example of what employers can do on their own. She then proceeded to ask me if we were TTC. I was in shock - does me knowing my maternity benefits, because it is a work benefit that I have and my friends are going through this, automatically go to TTC?

I'm okay with fielding the marriage questions, but I am so caught offguard by the TTC questions.

Anyone else experienced this jump in questioning?

PaigeMcC · July 2010

The minute FSIL got preggers all I heard from friends (and some of FI's fam) was "You two are next!" "When will we have more babies?", etc. The scary part to me is that although FI is 27 and in prime baby-making condition...I'm ONLY 24! I have no desire to TTC for at least another few years. *shrug* some people need to mind their business! lol

Maybe BF's mom is just wishfully thinking...or maybe she genuinely thought you might be TTC. I dunno but at least you know she's good with you producing her future grand-spawn;)

ekathleen684 · July 2010

My grandmother talks about how she misses having babies around and can't wait for us to have one. In the same breath she talks about how she'd kill us if we did before we got married. LOL

Hazel_B · July 2010

It is definitely wishful thinking. Their only grandchild right now is 7 and I think she is missing the little ones. She's such a nice woman, I just don't want my shocked reaction to be taken badly.

Hazel_B · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_skipping-step?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:abdce077-f7ce-4492-831b-0a5e0a97be73Post:e163f1c5-1901-4e3c-b31c-c66430a51eb9">Re: Skipping a Step</a>:
[QUOTE]My grandmother talks about how she misses having babies around and can't wait for us to have one. In the same breath she talks about how she'd kill us if we did before we got married. LOL
Posted by ekathleen684[/QUOTE]

I wish that was more the joke in his family. However, his sister has already blazed that trail and lived to tell the tale. It feels like marriage isn't a priority at all sometimes, which for me is weird. My family says nothing, occassionally someone who married into the family will say something about a wedding, but that is it.

katanne9 · July 2010

Ugh, TTC is a private matter.

My FMIL told me as soon as we got engaged that she would never ask me about it because whatever our timing is will be fine with her. I love her.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_skipping-step?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:abdce077-f7ce-4492-831b-0a5e0a97be73Post:4d54e4bd-e1e2-4bc7-8001-5f9e502760ce">Re: Skipping a Step</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh, TTC is a private matter. <strong>My FMIL told me as soon as we got engaged that she would never ask me about it because whatever our timing is will be fine with her</strong>. I love her.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

<div><3 wonderful!</div>

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

When BF's sister had her baby, his grandmother told me that we were next. When I said, "Hmm...maybe in 8-10 years," she proceeded to say how we had to have our babies soon since "she wasn't going to be around forever." Can her grandson propose to me before we give her great-grandchildren? Thanks.

catemeg · July 2010

Oh, my grandmother has already made it abundantly clear that she doesn't think we have to get married to start popping out offspring. Which shouldn't surprise me - she got knocked up at 17, got married because of the pregnancy, and then when the marriage wasn't working they had another kid (because in the 1950's, that was supposed to make your marriage better) and then they had a colossol divorce. Whoopy! What a great role model!

My parents have even said that they'd be okay with it, which is weird coming from them. We're not in a place in our lives where that's something we want to do just yet, so it's definitely going to wait a bit.

But yes, that question comes up frequently. From family & friends. And we've talked about it a lot, but we're just happy with it as a nice dream for right now.

Hazel_B · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_skipping-step?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:abdce077-f7ce-4492-831b-0a5e0a97be73Post:4d54e4bd-e1e2-4bc7-8001-5f9e502760ce">Re: Skipping a Step</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh, TTC is a private matter. <strong>My FMIL told me as soon as we got engaged that she would never ask me about it because whatever our timing is will be fine with her.</strong> I love her.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

That's fantastic Kat!

Hazel_B · July 2010

It certainly doesn't help that a lot of family lives in Quebec, which I believe has the highest rate of common-law relationships in the country. So, when cousins aren't getting married I guess they just stop asking the marriage question and go straight to the kids.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

I feel your pain... no one cared about babies (including me) until Mike came along. I went to MI with his family for memorial day weekend; parents had met me I believe 2 times and asked me on vacation.

We are up there picking out items for our new house and my FMIL starts going on and on about how she bought us a fertility statue and how she was going to pray every night for it. I was like "woah, wtf?" We weren't engaged but even his Dad told us, "if you don't have children the family name dies. Just want you to know that." <---- FI has 2 brothers neither is having kids

Then they talked about how we'd have twin girls and all this crazyness. I was freaking out. Now that we're engaged they've backed off a ton but hell my mom was in on it for awhile. Too much familial involvement, lol. So I feel your pain!

jacquiroxx · July 2010

My younger step-sister had her baby when she was 19. I'm 24 and my dad and step-mom harrass me constantly (when I'm home, that is) about when Chris and I are going to start having kids. Granted, they both had kids at young ages as well, but that doesn't mean I don't want to have my stuff together before I bring kids into the world!

I just shrug it off my shoulders. I'll have kids when I'm ready. They don't seem to think I need to get married before having kids, but that's important to both BF and myself, so they can nag all they want to. We live 12 hours away, so we don't have to hear it too too often, so I guess that may make it easier to ignore.

We aren't even engaged yet people! Let us take one step at a time- we're only 23/24!! Hahaha

jeanacorina · July 2010

People are crazy.

I got the whole "So, when are you guys having babies?" at work, of all places (when we were engaged). I said "Sometime after we get married."

THEN, they said "Oh, you never know!" And I was like.... "Umm... yes I do." And they said "It could happen anytime!" And I said "Unless there's a way to get pregnant that I don't know about, I promise it's not possible that I'm pregnant right now."

Sheesh.

Oh, yeah, and my mom voiced her concern over our sex life the other day. We were talking about how I actually didn't get knocked up before the wedding (so many in my family have), and I said it was just because I'm so freaking stubborn. SHE says "Well, I bet since you guys waited so long to have sex, you probably STILL don't do it even though you're married!"

Uh.... no, mom. We're good on that front. Thanks for the concern.

jemmini6 · July 2010

i guess i'm lucky from the family side. one sister has a 2-year-old and the other just got married and is TTC (although everyone thinks it's a terrible idea because they are broke), but still...it at least keeps them off MY back about it. although my mom always knew that i didn't want to start having kids till my late 20's so i don't think she's expecting it anytime soon.

BF's family isn't in a hurry for grandkids. We have talked about us getting married, but they haven't once mentioned grandkids because they are still fairly young themselves (they were both 20 when they had BF). His 2 younger brothers are still VERY dependent on his parents too, one is 16, so that's obvious, but the other is 22 and still lives at home.

i mostly get the "when are you going to have kids" from random people i went to highschool with. i'm 23 and probably the ONLY one that doesn't have at least one kid yet (most have 2 or 3 already).

breezerb · July 2010

I have avoided the baby by getting a cat. My mom calls him her "grandson". Sometimes it's frightening but then I think of the other alternative... so fur baby it is!

dwest2201 · July 2010

FI and I have been getting it for a while (and we just got engaged). We get the "you're next" thing often because in our circle of family and friends (that are married and having kids they all either just had a baby/adopted one or are planning to wait a few years). His brother and his wife married last year but intent to wait 3-5 years to have any kids and his two sisters have babies under one right now one adopted and the other is still breastfeeding. His cousin just had a baby(last week) and my best friend and MOH also has a 3 mo. old.

We don't really mind though, as we are both very much looking forward to having babies and plan to start trying right away. We also got the when are you getting married questions and FI (then BF) always said next year... haha.

nickchick · July 2010

I used to get this constantly when me and DF were dating and even when i was still single before him. And that hasn't changed, I still get it now that we are engaged. It was the worst last year when my younger sister was pregnant along with what seemed like everyone else in my life. (13 babies in one year) And it probably didn't help that i turned 30 last year. This question drives me insane and honestly it kinda hurts because i want so badly to be a mother. ugh. anyway, long story short....yup, i feel ya on this one.

CvilleClaire · July 2010

When I was about 25 or so, I was single, had just finished my graduate work, and was bemoaning the single scene where I lived. My mother's response was "well, some people just aren't called to have children." I questioned her a bit and she decided that since I hadn't settled for someone and hadn't started having kids, it just wasn't going to happen. And I was 25 at the time!

Hee hee. She seems to forget that she also did graduate work and therefore delayed things a bit. She had my oldest brother when she was 29 and had me when she was 34.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that many people just don't have boundaries and don't realize how rude it is the thrust their expectations on this sort of thing on those who don't solicite their opinion.

*sigh* Good luck to us all in dealing with it all.

desertsun · July 2010

I get this more from friends with babies than from family. But yeah, they started doing it even before we were engaged. Silliness.

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