grrr now what

tinstarsunshine · February 2012

Ok so this weekend we FINALLY met with the priest. FI is Catholic and wants the church's blessing etc etc. I figure NBD since i do not have to convert and they say they can marry us as is. I've been calling this parish since last April trying to get everything squared away...they have been difficult to say the least. I call in the August and to try toset up pre- marital classes etc. I am not catholic and I figure the earlier the better. Since FI's back is injured with a herniated disk and we are over 2hrs away i figure i can set stuff up over the phone.

The rectory secretary refuses to give me any info on doing that insists I talk to the priest. After calling for over a week at all days and times I finally pin him down. He tells me call back in January...wth? ok sure. I am paranoid so I pester them in October, they remember me and give me the same story. I call back at the end of December since i figure close enough. Nope he is on vacation until the 2nd week in January, he will call me back when he returns.

Well second week of January and still no call. Hell the last week of January I call and manage to pin him down again. He proceeds to tell me this is a very last minute request and why didn't I take care of all this earlier....WTF? Yes he is saying I am now late for everything. I panic of course since this is the SAME man to tell me he doesnt do pre-maritial counsiling until a minimum of 3 months prior.
Anyhow we make an appointment to meet with him on friday evening. FI and I live over 2.5hrs away from Hartford in Boston, so doing a friday evening commute is a nightmare to say the least. We get there with his mom and the wonderful priest proceeds to tell my FI and his mom that my FI is not actually a member of the Parish...All hell breaks loose. FI's parents married here, FI and his brother have been baptized, had first communion and were confirmed here. FI only works in Boston, all his documents, taxes etc are from CT.

Did I mention that FI had JUST met with this man the week before? why not say this then? So after he proceeds to ignore FI and I for 20min to bicker in Polish with FI's mom. He decides FI is a member of the parish. He perks up even more when FI's mom basically bribes him. His whole demeanor towards us changed after that, suddenly friendly and bubley. This is when my skin officially started to crawl.

I am not enthused. I don't want this man officiating such an important ceremony, FI also dislikes this man. We are going to try to see if we can have the priest he grew up with officiate the ceremony. If not I'm thinking of just including a card in with the invites saying the whole thing will take place in the Reception space. His mom is still attmepting to placate me but I refuse to tolerate that type of behavior on a normal day, why would i stand for it on my wedding day?
Ugh I dont need this type of stress right now

sorry vent over now

cdbishop · February 2012

Wow, that's ridiculous that you went through all of that. Especially since you have been calling since August.

We had some difficulties as well as we live in Boston and getting married in CT as that is where i am originally from. But we had to find a catholic church because FI is catholic and I am protestant, but FI's dad is going to marry us so we had to find a catholic church that would allow us to bring him in to marry us. Definitely a process and lots of different paperwork.

I don't really have much advice, but I hope everything works out. Perhaps you and FI should talk and determine whether you really want to get married in the church or not?

em01092 · February 2012

Wow that definitely sounds super frustrating.I know the Catholic church has very strict rules so I can't say I'm surprised, but it sounds like you were doing everything you could to make the process easier. I'd be livid and very annoyed as well.

*hugs* I don't really know what else to tell you other than I think you're right for not wanting to be married by this person. He seems to be sort of...unconventional, and forgetful at the least. Best of luck with everything.

meganb1977 · February 2012

I know it's discouraging, we opted to have a civil ceremony instead of getting married in the Catholic church because of how it seems like the church is more concerned about getting their money and following their rules rather than actually supporting you when you want to get married. Hope you're able to work things out for the other priest to officiate and your marriage preparation does turn out to be no big deal, otherwise if you and fiance feel better about just having a ceremony at your reception space, go for it. You're right that with things getting so close, you don't need any hassles!

AmandaSC1988 · February 2012

Ah…TBH, I didn’t think that the Catholic rules were that strict. You must know that is a huge deal to get married in the Church..this vow between the couple and God is not to be broken, so the Church does everything in their power to avoid having people marry without the proper preperation. You have to get approval from a priest before you can get married. It doesn’t matter which priest but you do have to get approval. It can take a little longer to get approval if you aren’t Catholic .

But normally, it consists of a couple meetings with the priest, and then either a 6 or so week pre-cana class..or an engagement encounter weekend. They even have online options. My FI and I are half-way across the country and we had a short time to get ours done(like one evening). The church is 2 hours away from me, so I had to drive 2 hours after work one night to meet with the priest… and then drive home that evening and go to work the next day. It wasn’t ideal…but we made it work. Try to make it work, at least for your FI, especially if he wants to be married in a Catholic Church.. I know I would be really hurt if my FI wasn’t Catholic and didn’t want to follow my wishes to be married in the church.

cgyvhu · February 2012

IT seems like this church is really disorganized and that the priest is not the best. I'd try to find a different one.

That said, I was raised catholic (not having a catholic wedding) and I know my home parish required 6 months warning before a wedding, along with pre-cana classes. And regardless of being confirmed at a parish, some don't consider you a member unless you attend service/donate to the church.

good luck!

tinstarsunshine · February 2012

thanks for the support ladies. My mom has worked for the church and when i vented to her she said its just something they do, and some pastors just take it too far. That being said I dont mind the classes or prep work since i was expecting it but if they had been honest with me since August when I first tried to sign up for them i would be far less stressed. The pastor insisted that all that was taken care of by him 3 months prior. Now he tells me he has only been there 3 months (which is a lie his name is on last easter's program which is how i contacted him in the first place and i spoke with him in JUNE and later August and then October.) Hopefully this all works out well. Getting the church's blessing is a big deal for FI so i hope we can get it all done even with the bumbling. Sorry about the venting but i just didnt want to stress FI with it anymore since Friday was just so horrible. Thanks again ladies!

starree444 · February 2012

I don't think the pay off for all this hassle will be worth it. Find someone else or somewhere else to do the ceremony. It's supposed to be how YOU want it. Not how the seemingly snotty priest wants it

AmandaSC1988 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_grrr-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:8e05fab3-0227-4990-abde-023e3dd08156Post:6374ac5e-81b2-438d-a3a6-c5807e1db897">Re: grrr now what</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think the pay off for all this hassle will be worth it. Find someone else or somewhere else to do the ceremony. It's supposed to be how YOU want it. Not how the seemingly snotty priest wants it :)
Posted by rtzrill[/QUOTE]

WHOA! That is terribly offensive to every Catholic on this board. A Catholic wedding is a SACRAMENT...a promise to GOD and each other that you will stay together FOREVER and It goes much deeper than a civil ceremony, that is why you have to go through the hoops. The pay off spritually and emotionally is worth the “hassle.” If my FI told me he didn’t want to go through the steps to having a marriage that was recognized by the Church (something important to me)…there would not be a wedding. 

The OP already said it was important for him to be married in the Church, it just seems like poor advice to tell her to go against her FI’s wishes. If OP said his parents were pushing him.. or her parents were pushing her…I could see how it might be better to just forgo it….but the fact that one of the couple wants it seems like a good enough reason to try all you can to accommodate.

tinstarsunshine · February 2012

so FI's childhood priest retired. So it appears we are stuck with the rude priest for now. We are going to meet with him again on Friday and see if this was just a one time thing. FI talked with his mom for a bit this afternoon and even his mom was horrified by the attitude we all recieved. She really wants us to follow with the tenants of church but she agrees that if he is still as bad as this past weekend we should move our ceremony elsewhere.

To me church is a place you should feel welcomed, if everyone is hostile towards you why would you want to celebrate one of the most important moments of your life with them? Here's to hoping this was just a fluke but I am at my wits end since the invites have already come in and I was ready to mail them this week. What do i do if we decide to move the ceremony? buy new invites? include a card with the location change? Ugh!

Mostly I just feel bad for FI, he was so excited and now he is really upset. So far everyone in the Archdiocese has been very helpful in getting us in these classes last minute and helping us complete requirements but this particular Parrish seems rather ill run. Its sad and I hate seeing him so mopey.

inhisname2010 · February 2012

I am not catholic but am christian and a wedding in itself is a sacrament. Doesn't necessarily need to be a Catholic one. I understand your want to do this for your FI and wish you the best of luck in getting the details worked out. Sorry your stuck with the sucky attitude priest instead of his childhood one.

em01092 · February 2012

Yeah I don't think Rtzill meant that all priests are snotty, but I'm sorry, this one is and I think that's what she meant. OP totally wants to respect the wishes of her FI, and tried to do this right. Said priest either has his priorities messed up, or he needs medical help for his forgetfulness. How can he seriously not remember being at the church longer than 3 months if OP has a program with his name on it? If he does have mental/remebering issues, then I will sort of feel like a jerk, but it just seems like he is making things difficult for her because she isn't Catholic. That's my take on it, and if he had a personal issue marrying her/FI for whatever reason, that is his right but I feel as if he should have made things clearer from Day 1, KWIM? What's the point of all this run around?

OP has gone above and beyond trying to make this all work and figuring out what needs to be done, and they don't seem to have things in order at that parish when it comes to the timeline/way things need to go...

tinstarsunshine · February 2012

ok so found out from mom and all my catholic friends that you CAN have another priest marry you as long as you can get the okay from them. I am thinking of asking my old college professor Father Joe if he is willing to officiate. He is listed as one of the priests of the archdiocese so i think thats good. Just to convince this other fellow that having someone else marry us isnt an insult to his boorish sensibilities...Ugh I really dislike dealing with drama! any suggestions for smoothing it over?

grrr now what

Re: grrr now what

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