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stepdaughter afraid to come to wedding

zeistgirl79zeistgirl79 member
First Comment
in Second Weddings

My lovely future stepdaughter, 13 years old, is not sure she wants to attend her dad's and my wedding. We get along great; there are no problems with our relationship. What she does fear is her mother. Her mother has mental health issues and is in denial about her ex-husband's new life. They have been divorced for over five years, but cannot accept that her ex is happy with someone else. My stepdaughter says that her mother will become even more depressed if she attends the wedding. I strongly believe that my FI needs to have a talk with his ex regarding their daughter. So not fair for my girl to deal with this...

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Re: stepdaughter afraid to come to wedding

  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2011

    You're right it's not fair.  Looking back I truely don't think my parents realized what they were doing to me.  It sounds like this was not a civil parting of the ways.  From my experience as a child of divorce and a social worker I think that if you FI trys to talk to his ex it will just escalate the situation and make things harder on your girl.  Is there a relative or friend who is more neutral and a friend to both parties who could maybe step in? 

    Does she live with her mother or her father?  If she lives with her mother it may be in her best interests not to attend the wedding.  I can imagine what she will be put through when she gets home.  If she doesn't attend make it ok for her not to be.  Assure her a million times over you love her no matter what and you only want her to be happy and healthy.  And then if she's willing plan a speical day with the three of you to celebrate your becoming a new family.  Coincide it with her regular visitation with her father so it doesn't raise an alarm with her mother. 

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  • zeistgirl79zeistgirl79 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Thanks for the suggestions. She does live with her mother and sees her father twice a week and every other weekend. Her father and her are very close; they have a special bond even though she was so young when the marriage ended. When you say that "my parents didn't realize what they were doing to me", was that in reference to the divorce or one of them re-marrying? I hope you don't mind me asking...

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  • SueR13SueR13 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My ex always made my kids feel guilty for liking FI when they were little. I guess I'm kind of glad we waited to get married until they were older. Otherwise, I could see me writing a post like that - about my own kids!
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2011
    No problem, I opened the door.  In my case it was the time after the divorce.  Just how they talked to each other, about each other, how they reacted to each other.  I ended up in the middle of some of their fights just to try and stop it.  My father died without remarrying.  My mother waited till I left for college to remarry.  She dated him while I was in high school and I was not a fan at all.  More about the concept than him.  But he's grown on me over the years and he's never once tried to replace my dad.  He's not walking me down the aisle but he will be listed as 'parent of the bride" in the program. 
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  • hsbstonehsbstone
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It's amazing how many ex spouses have no consideration for their kids feelings and do whatever they want to make them guilty just because they accepted that despite the previous marriage ended, the world didn't have to stop and life much less! And when they keep themselves closed in bitterness and revenge, I am outraged for the "guilty trip" treatment that they give to their our children just because they want to move on with their life for a better path!
     
    What Mysticl suggested to you is a great way to deal with this situation. Another thing; there is a way to planning have her for her visit on the day of your wedding? Many times FI and I have to work to accomodate plans exactly in these particular weekends so the DIL will enjoy in full whatever we planned and the ex won't blame her for anything else (like she didn't have what to do other than attending this or that once she was there already and this was happening in that weekend). I know it's not the perfect situation but it's a way that she could attend what she wants without taking a burden of a guilty trip from her mother afterwards. What's important is that she should not be hurt by any means, and it's so sad that her mother thinks about everything, but her own daughter. I 'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
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  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    If she lives with her mom who has mental health issues, and is only 13 - I agree with the PP who said she may in fact need to NOT attend the wedding, and need to hear from you BOTH that it is ok, and that you understand.

    While the critique of her mother is well placed, the reality of this young woman's life is more important than the philosophical right thing to do.  She is too young to stand up to her mother, and at a very vulnerable time.  Having your Fi offer her the opportunity to keep the peace in her life, without making her feel guilty for his disappointment would be an excellent gift to her, one that she will appreciate forever.  Even though her mother is the one being unreasonable, it is still appropriate for your Fi to do the extra mile to be a good parent.   Its one of the sacrifices we make for our kids. ~Donna
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I think this recommendation by mysticl is great; Is there a relative or friend who is more neutral and a friend to both parties who could maybe step in? Hopefully there is someone in the family who knows the situation, and can difuse the emotional aspect and make sure the ex stops making their daughter feel so bad about having a relationship with her dad and you.

    I truly feel sorry for you and the situation you, your fiance, and especially the young lady is in. While there are reasons my ex is an "ex", he and I have always fought to make sure our daughter feels loved and secure. She stood up in his wedding a few years ago, and is my maid of honor.

    Best wishes for a good outcome.
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  • fam6fam6
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is so not an issue that a 13 yr old should have riding on her shoulders.  I would recommend that your fiance step up the plate and have a real conversation with his daugheter and his ex-wife and even his ex-wife's counselor or dr.  So, that she can figure out how to be the best mom she can be for her daughter through this transition.
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sounds like the 13 year old is feeling responsible for the mental health of her mother.  That's a terrible burden to bear.  She needs to know that it's not disloyal to her mom to have feelings of attachment to her future stepmother.  I suggest some counselling for this girl.  I suspect there will be more issues to deal with after the wedding for her.
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