Fighting a super-Traditional family

yennijb · November 2012

My family, most importantly my father who's paying for most of the wedding, is SUPER traditional when it comes to what he views for my wedding. I mentioned I wanted to have a DJ, and his response was "Should we come in overalls as well?" I'm planning to have both a band and a DJ because of that, but in general every little bit of me is screaming for unique and me/my fiance to be part of this wedding, but at every turn I'm being lambasted by my family for something non-traditional.

I have a high fondness for peacocks and the colors on their feathers, I've liked gemtones since high school when I left my goth phase (*shudder*). My fiance loves Greens, so we decided to go with green for our main color, a hunter green. and immediately the family starts raging at me that we need to pick something lighter and more festive.

My fiance and I suggest we name our tables after boardgames because numbers are boring and we're both boardgame geeks (well, we are both game geeks in general, and work in games). The response was "it's not a sweet 16 or a batmitsvah (sp)"

I want there to be bits of us in the wedding as much as possible. Does anyone on here have any suggestions on how to deal with a super stiff-black-tie-oldschool-italian-roman-catholic-super-republican family? (or any combination of those adjectives) Preferably without me having to go bridezilla on their asses.

(side note, we're to have a 1.5 hr cocktail hour and a 5 hour reception with about 6-7 courses then a vianeese (sp) hour for 350 guests)

RailWayWife · November 2012

Honestly if you want your wedding your way you need to pay for it yourself. If your father is paying what he says goes. My FMIL is the same way and we wanted our wedding our way so we are footing the entire bill.

mandi195 · November 2012

I agree with PP. A lot of this depends on who is paying. I think you should have the wedding you and your FI want, but know that likely means you'll be paying for it. However, the wedding colors and things like that seem very strange for them to be concerned over.
I would talk with your family openly about what you dream of for your wedding and the reasoning behind it. Maybe they will understand, maybe not. At the end of the day, you need to be ok with either using any money gifted with the strings attached, or find a way to pay yourselves.

FruitSnack84 · November 2012

I can understand your point of view, but honestly I'd be grateful if my parents were willing to pay for such an extravagant, over the top party! I really wish we could have a live band instead of a DJ, so I'm kind of jealous. If what they're offering isn't what you want, I think you'll have to pay for it yourself...sorry.

yennijb · November 2012

I've always been the black sheep in my family, the outspoken 'libral' 'democrat' in a extremely conservative religious family. I've never really stood up to them before and they have a history of walking all over what I want and making it theirs.

I'm trying to not be a bridezilla to a father who's literally paid for everything for me, 6 yrs of college completely out of pocket almost directly followed by wedding planning. Paying for it myself isn't happening, neither me or my fiance have budget enough to cover what my family expects, and if my family doesn't get at least the size they expect, therego the gifts and hello being written out of their lives and wills. (I think the only thing they view worse is having a child before marriage, not that I have a problem with such in this day and age).

I'd love to hear if you gals have gotten any of your family members issues solved in a good/mutually happy sort of way and how you managed to have that convo with them. I'm getting ready to sit down with my folks on saturday to lay it out and I'd love for some suggestions on do's/don'ts .

FluffyGumDrop2 · November 2012

i know etiquette and a lot of people on the forums will say, "whoever pays, gets a say" so if you want the wedding of your dreams then you'll have to pay for it yourself. If you are paying for it yourself then you do what you can afford and want; you don't have to pay for the wedding they want. I know this is easier said than done with some families.

You mention you never stand up to them and they tend to walk all over you; this isn't going to go away after the wedding I'm assuming. What happens if you one day have kids and opt to not raise them in the Catholic faith? Are your parents going to blackmail/threaten to cut you out of their lives then? (Sorry if this is an assumption, I was just going by the Roman Catholic conservative comment you mentioned earlier) At some point in time, you're going to have to make a stand or live the rest of your life under their thumb. It sucks but it's a part of becoming an adult. You two are creating your own family and it seems from what you've posted that your family could potentially try to have a say in everything you guys do from where you live, to how your kids are raised, where you go for holidays,etc.

I'm sorry if any of these are assumptions and I promise I'm not trying to be harsh/rude to you; it just seems like the fear of being cut out of their lives could come up later down the road as well. Will you cave at their every request to stay in their good graces? What does your fiance think of all of it? Is he going to be happy with in-laws trying to run the show for the next 25+ years? Again these are just assumptions and I apologize if they are wrong; your family might not try any of these things.

Definitely not trying to advocate being rude to your parents but I'm not really sure what a good outcome/advice would be. If you tell them you want the wedding a certain way and they disagree they could pull the money out; if you tell them "thank you for the offer but we're going to do this ourselves" then they might not come/cut your out of your lives as you stated; if you give in and have the wedding they want, are you going to always regret it?

Try to compromise on somethings if you're taking their money so they feel that they are involved and their opinions are being heard.

Compromise Ideas:

- I know you have your heart set on a DJ, and obviously none of us know how important it is to you to have a DJ, but this seems like something you could compromise on. Have the band and then use an ipod to play the DJ type music you wanted. Having a band and a DJ seems like they will be competing with each other throughout the wedding.

- The naming of tables is fine but if you go this route consider having the tables arranged in alphabetical order so guests aren't wandering around the room trying to figure out where the "Monopoly" table is. You mentioned 350 guests so that would be a lot of tables to search through.

- It seems weird they care about the colors so maybe figure out things you're willing to trade with them so you can have the colors you want. "Mom and Dad, I really want these colors and I'm willing to compromise and let you to have free reign over x thing instead if you let me have these colors" Maybe let them have the band if you get the pick the colors for example.

If they aren't open to compromising I really don't know what other options you have. I really hope your talk with them goes well and everything works out for you.

anssett · November 2012

I'm curious about whether you are more comfortable letting them push you around than standing up to them and dealing with that reality. They may prefer to write you off and cut you out of their wills, but right now it doesn't sound like they are seeing you for who you are AT ALL. Granted, this is coming from a tiny bit of internet info so take it with many grains of salt.

Children grow up and get to decide how they want to live their lives. If they want to keep the parents happy more than to assert their true self they can. They'll lead double lives. LOTS OF PEOPLE DO THIS.

The alternative is to show your parents who you are. To celebrate it and tell them if they don't accept and embrace it, they don't get to have you in their life. There are degrees of this, but the basic reality is you control the degree of closeness. When you're taking their money all bets are off. If you want to be autonomous then accept that you might have to say goodbye to wedding money and inheritance. You might say 'I'm an alternative girl. Please accept that and love me. I love you!" etc, and there may be some happy common ground and growth on their part.

I went through this with my father many years ago. I had to decide how close I was willing to be when he violated my boundaries, whether to let him keep hurting me or change our degree of closeness, etc. He wants me in his life enough to learn to accept the characteristics about me he didn't agree with at first. If there was a lot of money at stake I'm sure it would have been much more multi-layered and convoluted.

So...after much rambling, do you want the wedding of YOUR dreams, or do you want to pose for your parents and enjoy their money and approval? Neither is wrong, per se, but they're very different lives to live.

yennijb · November 2012

Sadly fluffy, almost every single one of your comments is right on the ball. It's like you know me/my family or something. This thankgsiving my mother strongarmed her way into us flying to fl to be with her instead of his family. And then she had the gall to say we were coming down for christmas too instead of splitting that holiday between my father's family (my folks are divorced) and my fiance's. Luckally my fiance has a strong backbone and had no problem standing up to her about that, but he's super-hands off about the wedding with a lot of 'whatever you say dear.'

The band/dj issue is going to be handeled by us having a combo of both the band playing during certain parts, and then them switching to DJ for tunes the band doesn't know or can't play or for particular ones we want to sound like the song they are not the band's rendition (like our first dance). Other things like the table names are only an issue with my father's side of the family, my fiance's family and my mother think it's great. (good idea on the alphabetical though!)

I'm going to try to come up with a list of my priority items of how I want things to go and ask them to do the same so we can meet with those lists in hand. I got that suggestion from a cousin, in case anyone else is reading this and having a similar issue.

FluffyGumDrop2 · November 2012

The lists sound like a good way to organize what is important to everyone and hopefully everyone can compromise so you have a great wedding day.

Hope it all works out for you!

ETA: My dad is one of eight children in an Italian, Catholic family...short story families seem to be crazy

Burtonbaby145 · November 2012

I Agree with everyone about standing up for yourself a bit more. I love te peacock inspiration but I can see how to someone of more traditionl taste, "peacock wedding" may sound crazy or even tacky. However it can be done beautifully and very elegantly, so if it were me I would show you dad some examples of upscale weddings that have peacock colors and theme tied in but not overwhelming. Just google elegant peacock wedding and you will find some obviously blacktie weddings with that theme that are great. Maybe seeing that will give him better perspective of what you want. Also, what month are you doing your wedding? It may be easier to convince him a darker color scheme is appropriate if you are doing an evening wedding in the fall or winter than say a daytime spring wedding. I think the compromise on the band and dj is a great one. Maybe compronise with the theme as well and do a light and airy feeling ceremony, then progress over cocktail hour, dinner than into the full blown reception. It would be really easy for a dj with light equipment to turn a classic room with maybe a few touches of your desired colors into your full on peacock themed one after the dinner plates are cleared and dancing has started. That would give everyone what they want!

yennijb · November 2012

I never thought about changing the lighting through the night beyond raising the lights while eating. That's a great idea!

Luckily it's a evening reception in October, so I feel like gem-tones are perfect for fall. I just have to convince them of that.

BMcLeodTeam · November 2012

I was marrying into a family with A LOT of strong views on what should/shouldnt' happen at a wedding. A lot of the ladies here listened as I vented going through the planning process. My family was supportive of whatever, but right from the get go we had nay-sayers. My black diamond/ruby wedding set wasn't 'wedding enough' for some, my red and black wedding was 'a little satanic' apparently. They weren't happy with the religious backing of the Pastor marrying us (from the church DH and I are members of, but they've never let go of the fact he left THEIR church). The fact it wasn't in a church, the fact we wanted to use 'untraditional' music for the ceremony, even the black crinoline under my dress was a bone of contention... to the point that we had a lot of people threatening not to come. At the end of the day we opted to stand up for what we wanted. We paid for our wedding for the most part, with a monetary gift from family. We also risked people not coming to be able to make a stand for OUR family now rather than when kids are in the mix in the future.... The thing is if you choose to make a stand be ready for the results. All immediate family were present, but there wasn't much outside of that in DH's family that showed. We invited 300 and had around 120 attend. Most of his family didn't even feel the need to RSVP and some even hung up on him when he called to follow up. That being said we're starting our life together with A LOT less stress then it would have been because we've set our rules and boundries with the family, and are both content with our choice to do so. There were close family members that threatened not to come that showed up, it was an empty threat. Also he didn't get his Mother/Son dance because MIL was adament she would not be dancing/partying afterwards, but he just had a Brother/Sister dance instead with his sister. It all worked out

FluffyGumDrop2 · December 2012

I'm sure you've found images on your own to show your parents but just in case here's some images that I think show peacock feathers/colors being used in a nice way:

Green Uplighting:

click me

click me : this one reminds me a lot of peacock colors

click me

Floral Arrangement ideas:

click me : for you

click me : guys

click me : centerpiece ideas but they might be a bit much for your family

click me : more formal centerpieces with peacock feathers; a little bit hard too make them out

Paper Goods Ideas:

click me : invitations

click me : programs

Hopefully some of these help to show your family that you can do a formal wedding with a peacock theme and still look elegant and classy.

yennijb · December 2012

So, We booked the place this weekend, going through contracts this week

The lists went over really well and really helped us see where we were seeing eye to eye and where we were on completely different pages. The list of differences was way smaller than we expected, but because we were focusing on those differences it made them seem huge. I really SUPER suggest any brides that have difficulty seeing eye to eye with those paying for the wedding (or helping work on it even) to do this.

FluffyGumDrop2 · December 2012

Glad it worked out for you! Hopefully everything goes smoothly for you from now to your wedding day.

kerbohl · December 2012

I just have to say - you peacock colours are cool, but I really love your idea of naming tables after boardgames. I don't think that it is childish at all. In fact, I was thinking of naming my tables after dates that my FI and I have gone on. It's a cool and easy way to add a little bit of yourself to your wedding. I hope that your family gets on board with you on that!

BMcLeodTeam · December 2012

Glad to hear it worked out!

Fighting a super-Traditional family

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