saying hello.

ohsoashley · November 2011

Happy Friday ladies!

I just wanted to drop in and introduce myself.
My name is Ashley. From Florida, getting married in Ohio.
My fiance proposed to me last week on 11/11/11 (a very important "number" for us, if you will)

This is my second time being married, his first.

A little back story about my wedding:
It wasn't all that long ago. My ex and I dated for eight years before getting married. The wedding was in July 2010 (see, not that long ago).
We had a full year and a half engagement before the wedding. And during that time, I started to doubt myself, I felt myself falling out of love with him, and was realizing that the relationship we had was NOT what I wanted.
My biggest fault is that I worry too much about making others happy. I told xH about how I was feeling, he worked on "changing" to try to make me happy, but in the end, he reverted exactly to how he had been. I'd still express my unhappiness, and change would try to occur, but it never lasted.
I tried to call off our wedding, and everyone told me that it was just all of the planning and hands on stuff that I was doing that was making me nervous. That, after the wedding, things would settle down and everything would be okay.
I went with that. We had our wedding (quite a large one), and went on our honeymoon. I wasn't happy the entire time.
Fast forward to about two months later, and I had moved out.
Our divorce was final in June of this year (it took a while for him to get the papers,etc.)

Current situation:
It really is funny how things work out. I wasn't looking for anything or anyone. I had put myself in a mindset that I just wanted to be alone for a while. I'm still young (27 now) and have a full life ahead of me.

And then I met FI. I actually met him back in November of 2010 (yeah, two months after I split with the ex). We talked for a while, and then he came to visit me and the rest is history.

It is amazing how incredibly happy and in love I am. We are so awesome together. It is all right, and it feels right.

I clicked on the link for this board, went through some of the sticky posts up at the top, and knew I had found a good place to chat. I have had feelings a lot lately about what people think, how they will react, etc.
And what I need to tell myself is that this is for ME and FI. No one else. It doesn't matter what others think, as long as we are happy.
I deserve a chance to have things done the right way. And this is it.
Being FI's first marriage, I want him to have that amazing wedding. He wants it too.

And wow, I talk a lot. LOL.
I hope to get to know you gals, and get and give support whenever it is needed, as well as plan beautiful and amazing weddings.

Have a good weekend :-)

handfast4me · November 2011

Welcome to the board. Please be advised that we give it to the ladies here straight, so you might have to be thick skinned to be here.

First, I'm a little concerned that you're jumping right into a new relationship so soon after ending the previous one. In the other relationships I've witnessed, that can be a recipe for disaster. There are several ladies who were on this board that made the same statements you have, and are now divorced for a second time. I don't mean to imply that this is definitely the case with you, but just to be aware.

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but the way your post read, it sounded like the "right way" to have a wedding is ONLY to have a big throw down. That is insulting to those of us who have chosen to have a smaller ceremony. For example, DH and I got married with just the two of us and an officiant. I don't think it was the wrong way at all. It was OUR way. Which, for us, was right. It was his first wedding, too, although it was my second (third if you count our Pagan Handfasting as the second, DH counts that as our wedding; the legal thing was just a formality as far as he was concerned).

ETA: edited for clarity and grammar.

ohsoashley · November 2011

it is definitely not what i meant.

you said it yourself: you have it the way you want it, "OUR way" you said.

and that is what we are doing. I'm a wedding planner (as my second job), and I have seen my fair share of weddings from "big throw downs" to small and intimate affairs. It is all about what the two of you want.

And believe me, I have also heard my fair share of people telling me that it is too soon and what not. But when you go from knowing something is so wrong to knowing something is so right, you know.
FI is very aware of what you are warning us about right now, and realizes what a good relationship entails and what makes it work.
So thanks for the heads up, I appreciate that.

right1thistime · November 2011

Ashley - So I started dating my (now) DH within months of my separation and before my divorce. We were pretty casual, but I "knew" in my heart that he was the one. I dated a few other men in the mix, and we became exclusive within a few months.

I didn't marry him for another 7 years. I would have married him within a year. But I have to tell you that I am so thankful that I did not. It was his doing that we waited, and it was due to a lot of factors, including kids (which I take is not an issue for you two), and it was a wise choice.

One of the most important things that I did was to go to counseling for ME. How did I end up married to my xH? Why did I stay? What was unresolved? And so on. That made ME a better partner to my now husband. And it put the demons of a failed relationship to rest.

So my challenge to YOU is have you put the demons to rest? Have you really examined what led you to marry someone who you didn't love? Is there unnecessary pressure in your life or in your head to be married according to some imaginary timeline? Are you trying to replace something? escape something? fulfill something? avoid something? I am not talking about pre-marital counseling, I really mean therapy for you. If he is as wonderful as he seems, he deserves you with your baggage unpacked. That process takes time, and work.

If he is indeed the right one for you, congratulations. And what's the rush? You didn't mention your planned wedding date, just your planned event. Slow this train down, live as an independent individual for a while. He won't go anywhere. And you both will be better for it.

And yeah, you'll get less side eye and grief about your rapid rush to the altar again as well. That's just a nice benefit. Peace in your life and in your relationship will be the real payback. ~Donna

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