Bridesmaid woes?

Yankees413 · May 2012

I have 3 very close friends that are females. One is maid of honor(it was obvious decision cause out of the three of them we admitted she is the most responsible and the one I have known the longest), and the other is a bridesmaid... but there is another one. She has a lot on her plate. I was kidding around since my wedding isn't for a long time, she will have to take work from her animation job in Californa and Florida in one of those big companies to come be in it. She said that she would need 2 weeks off just to come to the wedding (I don't know how she thinks she'll find a boss that will let her off for 2 weeks to go to a wedding... and if she doesn't move away, she expects a week off). This is just for the wedding itself. I don't think she will be able to properly perform her duties as bridesmaid. It is difficult to get a hold of her as it is when it comes to plans to hang out and it makes me worry that she won't be there when I need her (I also think if she moves many states away she still expects to be a bridesmaid).

I don't want to be rude but how can I bring these up to her about these problems and maybe being the one in our circle (or a square lol since there are 4 of us) who isn't in the bridal party?

mbcdefg · May 2012

Just tell her, "I know I already asked you to be my bridesmaid, but after thinking it over some more I've decided that you probably can't carve out enough time from your life to do things for my wedding or be around enough to assist with the planning. So I'm going to have to let you go." That ought to solve your problem of having a friend who's busy.

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-woes-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d224f225-3678-4793-acb5-9d9a3f9a7e60Post:77bddc27-fc52-42b4-b36c-141a3c7acb5c">Bridesmaid woes?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 3 very close friends that are females. One is maid of honor(it was obvious decision cause out of the three of them we admitted she is the most responsible and the one I have known the longest), and the other is a bridesmaid... but there is another one. She has a lot on her plate. I was kidding around since my wedding isn't for a long time, she will have to take work from her animation job in Californa and Florida in one of those big companies to come be in it. She said that she would need 2 weeks off just to come to the wedding (I don't know how she thinks she'll find a boss that will let her off for 2 weeks to go to a wedding... and if she doesn't move away, she expects a week off). This is just for the wedding itself. I don't think she will be able to properly perform her duties as bridesmaid. It is difficult to get a hold of her as it is when it comes to plans to hang out and it makes me worry that she won't be there when I need her <strong>(I also think if she moves many states away she still expects to be a bridesmaid).</strong> I don't want to be rude but how can I bring these up to her about these problems and maybe being the one in our circle (or a square lol since there are 4 of us) who isn't in the bridal party?
Posted by Yankees413[/QUOTE]

Your friend is trying to get an animation job in Florida or California? That's awesome! I had a good friend from high school who's dream job it was to do that. She can think she needs two weeks off all she wants, but I'm sure her expectations will change if she gets a job. She'll get one day off just like the rest of us and make it work. I wish her the best!

As for the bolded sentence - why couldn't she still be a bridesmaid if she moves away? Bridesmaids aren't needed to be in the same town, zip code, state or even country. They are people you want standing next to you on the day you get married. They are not there to help you tie ribbons, look at venues, or eat cake. They are there because they love you and people can love you without living in the same town.

If you have already asked her (which is slightly unclear from your post), then she's a bridesmaid no matter where her life takes her. Let's say worse come to worst: she has this awesome job and can't get off for the wedding: I'd list her name in the program, mail her bouquet to her and tell her that you'll send her pictures once the day is over. She is your friend first and foremost.

calliopeia2013 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-woes-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d224f225-3678-4793-acb5-9d9a3f9a7e60Post:854980d0-d96a-4053-90ee-b12e6dddda06">Re:Bridesmaid woes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just tell her, "I know I already asked you to be my bridesmaid, but after thinking it over some more I've decided that you probably can't carve out enough time from your life to do things for my wedding or be around enough to assist with the planning. So I'm going to have to let you go." That ought to solve your problem of having a friend who's busy.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

This is why I love these boards. :-D

Seriously, OP, from your post I can't tell if it's just you who has bizarrely unrealistic expectations, or your entire bridal party, but if you expect anyone to take more than a day off work to be in your wedding, or to do ANYTHING except buy a dress and stand up next to you (and I guess maybe help you with the bustle on your dress the day of, because man, those things sometimes need like 3 people to figure out), you are looking to lose all your friends real fast, as PPs are implying.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

Only two of my six attendants lived within 100 miles of me. They got their dresses and showed up for the ceremony, so they fulfilled their duties. Most of them also helped out with some aspect of planning, not because they were somehow required to, but because they wanted to.

I climbed the ranks at Disney for a while, too. (Presumably that's the company you're talking about.) I can guarantee you that no one remotely close to me would have ever dreamed of trying to jeopardize my career over their 4-hour party. If anyone had presumed to do that, well, I probably would have stopped returning their calls.

If you need someone to be at your beck and call to talk wedding stuff, hire a coordinator. They're getting compensated for that sort of thing.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

You are absolutely ridiculous. Another special snowflake who thinks her wedding is more important than her friendships.

mbrischoux · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-woes-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d224f225-3678-4793-acb5-9d9a3f9a7e60Post:37009e59-1229-4ef7-ba00-78c2c55a3620">Re: Bridesmaid woes?</a>:
[QUOTE]You are absolutely ridiculous. Another <strong>special snowflake</strong> who thinks her wedding is more important than her friendships.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

"Special snowflake" hehe! That's a new one:)

OP, regardless of how far away your friend moves, there's no reason not to have her in your wedding party. Bridesmaids don't have to be involved in every aspect of your wedding planning - their job is to stand beside you on your big day. Don't count her out yet.

AEPerpete · May 2012

I think it all comes down to how close you are (relationship wise, not literal distance). If you have been good friends for a while, and you wish you could include her, you should.
She can say no if she doesn't have time, or can't make it to all of the planning/events. Let her know there are no hard feelings if she turns down your offer.
I have 2 bridesmaids who live more than 2 hours away, and one has been coming to more things than the other, because she has more time to do so. As long as they can be there for the big day, that's all that counts.

RunDog · May 2012

Yeah, sometimes you just have to let things go. My friend had a bridesmaid that was studying in Costa Rica. Even though she was only able to be there the day of the wedding, I'm sure my friend appreciated having her there on her big day as part of the wedding party. Now, if it was your maid of honor, I would probably think differently. But definitely don't ask her to step down as a bridesmaid. That would be incredibly insulting and you are probably guaranteed to lose a friend (and maybe even a wedding guest).

misssunshine17 · May 2012

I was a MOH and I was out of state (along with another BM) until three days before the wedding. That's the beauty, all the bridal party has to do is show up. You have incredibly unrealistic expectations.

libby2483 · May 2012

One of my bridesmaids is currently living in Turkey. Although she isn't here, she has provided the most "emotional" support of any of my bridesmaids. She's always asking me how wedding planning is going, e-mailing me pictures of shoes she is wanting to buy for the wedding or hairstyles she's tried out, etc. She just Facebooked me to say she and her boyfriend just bought the plane tickets to come to the wedding! Sure, she will miss my shower and bachelorette party, but that's okay. I'm just honored that she and her boyfriend will fly around the world to help me celebrate on the wedding day. Even though she is literally around the world, she's an awesome bridesmaid. My point is, just because a bridesmaid is physically far away, it doesn't mean she can't be a great bridesmaid.

Yankees413 · May 2012

Thanks for all the advice. I have to laugh on a special snowflake post lol. I feel better about keeping my bridesmaid in my bridal party. I don't expect her to be there for every ascept of my wedding or the planning of it (lol "beck and call") . I mean to support me in general throughout the process. I was just worried we were going to lose touch with her when she moves and she won't be as close or maybe unable to come if she asks her boss to take 2 weeks off for our wedding. As long as we remain close and keep touch, I would have no problem having her stand by my side at the alter.

Bridesmaids are not meant to stop their lives for weddings. loll I need to make that "special snowflake" line more often

Yankees413 · May 2012

this is not school. No attednence will be kept. I was worried when she moved she would get to get wrapped up in her new life and business, I was afraid we would drift. I don't NEED anyone to tie tiny ribbons (god I hate those things... sometimes it makes me want to tie them into tiny nooses) to anything. I have no issues about her emailing anything to me, such as dress or shoes. Today was the first day that I have seen her since...about christmas time. I was concerned that it was so difficult to contact with her when she lives in the same city, it may be worse when she starts her jobs or moves.

I think when I said duties I people assumed I meant some form of bridal slavery. To me, duties mean emotionally supporting the bride and keeping her updated as any decisions you have made in terms of her wedding.

Death to those infamous tiny ribbons!

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-woes-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d224f225-3678-4793-acb5-9d9a3f9a7e60Post:1963cd5a-c4d9-4636-ac71-9a61a46bc443">Re: Bridesmaid woes?</a>:
[QUOTE]this is not school. No attednence will be kept. I was worried when she moved she would get to get wrapped up in her new life and business, I was afraid we would drift. I don't NEED anyone to tie tiny ribbons (god I hate those things... sometimes it makes me want to tie them into tiny nooses) to anything. I have no issues about her emailing anything to me, such as dress or shoes. Today was the first day that I have seen her since...about christmas time. I was concerned that it was so difficult to contact with her when she lives in the same city, it may be worse when she starts her jobs or moves. I think when I said duties I people assumed I meant some form of bridal slavery. To me, duties mean emotionally supporting the bride and keeping her updated as any decisions you have made in terms of her wedding. Death to those infamous tiny ribbons!
Posted by Yankees413[/QUOTE]
But I think what people are trying to get across is that you shouldn't need emotional support just to plan a party. This is supposed to be a happy time. You need emotional support when you get fired or lose a family member. If planning is a traumatic experience, yes, you're doing it wrong.

If it's so stressful that you need emotional support, scale it back. If you hate tiny ribbons, <em>ditch them</em>. Guests care about food, booze, music, and being comfortable. Everything else is background noise, and not worth the slightest amount of stress. What I remember about being a guest at a wedding, even after I planned my own and became more attuned to that stuff, is nothing more than whether or not I had fun.

bonge · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-woes-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d224f225-3678-4793-acb5-9d9a3f9a7e60Post:1963cd5a-c4d9-4636-ac71-9a61a46bc443">Re: Bridesmaid woes?</a>:
[QUOTE]this is not school. No attednence will be kept. I was worried when she moved she would get to get wrapped up in her new life and business, I was afraid we would drift. I don't NEED anyone to tie tiny ribbons (god I hate those things... sometimes it makes me want to tie them into tiny nooses) to anything. I have no issues about her emailing anything to me, such as dress or shoes. Today was the first day that I have seen her since...about christmas time. I was concerned that it was so difficult to contact with her when she lives in the same city, it may be worse when she starts her jobs or moves. I think when I said duties I people assumed I meant some form of bridal slavery. To me, duties mean emotionally supporting the bride and keeping her updated as any decisions you have made in terms of her wedding. Death to those infamous tiny ribbons!
Posted by Yankees413[/QUOTE]

<div>All my bridesmaids live in the same place as i do. One has no interest in the wedding, not that she doesn't care about it, but we have different priorities in life. I dont talk to her often or see her & i am ok with that, life is very busy for the both of us. </div><div>
</div><div>One took up a position with her union as well so has a lot more duties & stress work wise. She hasn't wanted to know much about the wedding for the last couple months as job security was up in arms & she needed to focus on that. Completely understandable, job security came through yesterday & now that she can relax we will probably get together soon, the wedding is in a month & their are some things i need to update her on but life is busy. </div><div>
</div><div>One wants to know everything & be very supportive. Always there to chat. I talk mostly with her about the wedding (over anyone else) but she wants to be interested. If she wasn't then i wouldn't. </div><div>
</div><div>My mom is my MOH, she has health issues, up until about a month ago she did not even have a dress. I didn't push her, it is not the same color as my girls or even one of my colors. It is black BUT the most important thing is that she feel comfortable & good about herself. The last thing i want is for her to feel crappy & ugly (she isn't but her health issues are with intestines & stomach so she has about 20-40 pounds of bloatedness so feels real fat). She found a great dress, she doesn't feel awesome about it yet because she isn't down here for us to help make her feel better, she is 2000 miles away. </div><div>
My MIL has been amazing. She is doing so much for us that i will never be able to thank her properly. </div><div>
</div><div>Anyways my point to the story is everyone has lives, everyone is different, there is no cookie-cutter mold for these kinds of things nor should there be. Treat these ladies as people & they will appreciate it. Count on your fiance to help. My fiance is awesome & he is the one who helps me with projects. The only thing the girls have come to help with is their flowers, we made them, they wanted to do their own, their way. The bouquets are all different & I am ok with that. Not one of them will match in any way really except the color. </div><div>
</div><div>I was niave & i had expectations at first too, that didn't last long. Once i got over it it was much much easier for me. I promise if you do the same then you will be fine. </div>

Yankees413 · May 2012

Thanks everybopdy for the advice. You have all been very helpful

Yankees413 · May 2012

sorryabout the support thing. I only wrotei it cause I saw it in one of the previous poster's post and couldn't think of what else to write. I think as I scanned the replies I misread Libby's cause now that I am rereading it, I totally got the wro;ng part of it.

RunDog · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-woes-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d224f225-3678-4793-acb5-9d9a3f9a7e60Post:63eda9dc-3133-4411-b7b0-7047d22184ce">Re: Bridesmaid woes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ignore the lists of duties that you see in bridal magazines and on wedding websites. Those are published by the wedding industry in order to get brides to believe that it's all about them, and their friends to believe they are "bad" friends if they don't do certain things. All a bridesmaid "has" to do is get her attire and show up for the wedding. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Good point! Bridesmaids are there for you to share the best time of your life with, whether it's over the phone, email, in person, or only the day of the wedding. But it's also important to keep ourselves in check and don't "overshare". Yes, a wedding may be the most important day of a bride's life, but it is not the most important day for a bridesmaid.

amongi09 · June 2012

I actually find what you wrote quite offensive... Just because she moved out of state doesn't mean she cannot be a bridesmaid, I lived in Texas and was best friends bridesmaid back in California... I managed to take 2 weeks off for her wedding AND bachorlette party. And I was her only bridesmaid to help her the 2 weeks up to her wedding day with errands and setting up. I think your friend needs to rethink whether she even wants to me in your wedding with you doubting her and assuming she will fail.... What kind of friends are you?

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