Advice please

andriana13 · August 2011

My FI and I are only 19 years old. We've been together for two years and we're engaged as of last month. I can't wait to be married to my best friend. Every day that I get to spend with him is truly a blessing from God.
My parents want us to wait until we're finished with college to have the wedding. I understand that they just want the best for us, but waiting is so difficult. I just feel like if it's God's will for us to be together then things should work out for us. Right?
We're also trying to stay pure until our wedding night. That's another thing that's been very difficult. I feel like it would just be easier on us if we we're to get married sooner than later. Any suggestions?
Prayers would be helpful:)

CleverThought · August 2011

I'm 19 also, so I understand the whole "if you know, why not get married now". I must say though that making the wait to stay pure easier is not a reason to get married. I'm sure it was a comment and isn't that #1 reason you want to marry your FI, but I'm just saying

I'm not engaged, but BF want to get married and yada yada, but although I know I want to be with him forever I am making the decision to wait until I graduate my undergrad to get married. You have the rest of your lives to be together, what's 3 years of waiting in the long run? Marriage and a wedding can be distracting during school and you must make sure that you have a degree or something to fall back on that God forbid something happens (divorce, death of spouse, ect)

With that said, I have a close friend of mine that got married out of high school, she was 18 and her husband was 19 at the time. One year later they have a beautiful marriage and she is successfully holding a job and going to college. He's deployed (Marine) so she has a lot more free time and the time to be selfish with her studies. So a marriage during college can be done, and done well.

I'm sorry to say that I don't have any concrete advice for you. All I can say is that if I knew Bf and I would both graduate, we'd have the family support, and financial certainty I would get married today without hesitation. If you are confident you have these things and a great relationship then I see little to no reason to not get married.

ElisabethJoanne · August 2011

Look up Frederica Matthewes-Green. (might have to fiddle to get the spelling right) She had an article out several years ago advocating for younger marriages, with family support. Also, all her children married relatively young. She might put words to some of your less-clear thoughts.

DramaGeek · August 2011

Well, H and I decided to get married pre-graduation, even though we knew my parents would have preferred we wait. I went to a Christian college so it was really common for people to get married pre-graduation, and most of us did graduate, usually on time!

It wasn't easy, but I am so glad we did it the way we did. We had fantastic familial support, which is super important regardless, but especially when you're making a huge life change at a young age and still have the stress of school. My parents made us promise that, no matter what, we would both finish school. They also married young and my dad never did finish college, which has always bothered him.

I graduated 5 months after we got married, on time, and went right on to grad school. Finished that on time too. H, on the other hand, dropped out of school two months after we got married. He did go back, though, and graduated 4.5 years after we got married. At 30, we've been married almost 9 years and are very happy and successful. Like I said, it wasn't always easy and we absolutely leaned on our families several times throughout the years to help us through the hard spots, but if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't change a thing.

andriana13 · August 2011

Thanks:) That brings me a lot of hope. I know that my family would be there for me no matter what.

sister2groom · August 2011

If you are 100% sure about this (have prayed about this and should probably received godly counsel that this marriage is a good idea from multiple sources) then I think having the wedding sooner makes a lot of sense. I don't know what you mean by working out, but just because God's plan involves you marrying this man, doesn't mean finishing school, finding jobs, etc. will be easy. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, because it will be easier in some ways (e.g. physical stuff) but something to think about.

What exactly are your parents objections? If they're not entirely sure about your relationship then I would be careful about dismissing them because they hopefully know you well and have your best interest at heart. And obviously God's plan for you involves honoring your parents. So at the least very least I would sit down with them and pray with them and present your reasons to why you want to get and listen humbly to their reasons and try to come to a respectful solution.

cnrec · August 2011

Well, I am in a similar boat. I am going on 17, engaged, and planning on marrying before highschool. I think you both should pray to God, together and seperate, about when you should get married. Also, I am in the same boat with staying pure. my best advice (even though its from a 17 year old) is to pray to God to take those feelings away whenever you feel things are getting hard. I wish you best of luck! God bless you and your fiance!

GJones27 · August 2011

DH and I waited until we were both 26, and we dated five years and remained pure. It is possible to wait. I know it feels like forever, but time does go by fast. If you strongly believe in waiting until marriage, you will remain pure.

I guess I'm in the camp that people can change a lot over the years. I'm a different person now that I'm 26 than when I was 19. I know more of what I want. DH is a different person, too, than when he was 21. A part of me even wonders if 26 was too early for him as a guy for getting married. He is sometimes sad he didn't get to reach his full potential with a career in his 20's, as he had to make sacrifices to be with me. For example, a part of him is unsatisfied he never got to live in NYC for a job, which was a dream of his, and I have no desire to live there. He doesn't regret marriage at all, but I can definitely see how people who get married when they are 30 are more settled down and fulfilled in their personal lives in many ways. If you get married soon, you'll just have to be prepared to make some sacrifices in terms of your goals in life. It becomes harder, for example, to do things like long distance once you're married.

Anyways, just thought I would throw that out there in case you hadn't thought of it. Good luck making a decision.

FaithCaitlin · August 2011

I don't mean to rain the parade- really, I don't. FI and I are in the same boat. We have been together for almost 6 years and known that we have wanted to get married since about year 2! FI proposed last October and my parents asked if we would wait till I graduated til we got married. We agreed but weren't happy about it. I will be graduating December of 2012 and my wedding is 12/22/12. Honestly, there is no reason to rush into marriage, in my opinion. FI and I have "felt married" for so long; yes, we don't live together but waiting another year and a half isn't going to kill us. I think it would be respectful to your parents to wait until you have graduated. I will not lecture you on how horrible the economy is right now and how difficult it is to get a job, and even with a job, make ends meet. We are waiting til I'm finished with school simply to obey my parents (commandment, right?), be in a more responsible financial situation and the long engagement gives us plenty of time to plan, look forward to the wedding, enjoy the engagement, etc. I will pray for you; I know what it's like to feel the way you do, but sometimes there are other things to consider. FI and I don't need a legal piece of paper to feel already married- sure, we don't have some of the married benefits (living together) but God willing, we have our whole lives. Best of luck in making this decision as only you can decide what is best!

sessionswedding · August 2011

I was engaged when I was 19 to a guy I had been dating for 2 years. I thank God every night when I go to bed that I did NOT marry him.

I started dating FI in March 2008. I got engaged in February 2010. I graduated from college in May 2010. I'm getting married in November 2011. The wait is worth it, I promise.

Alcyone1 · August 2011

I very much agree with a PP that people can change a lot! My husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 22 (we'd known each other since we were 12 and 15, respectively). We knew from about a month in that we wanted to marry each other eventually--we're both the sort of people who wouldn't date unless we think we could marry the person eventually (as soon as one of us would realize we weren't in a relationship heading for marriage, we would leave the relationship). We got engaged in June of 2010 after 6 years of dating (most of it long distance because of school), and finally got married June of 2011 (yay!) after almost 7 years of being together at the ages of 26 and 29, respectively.

Both of us have grown so much, both as individuals and as a couple, over the course of this relationship. We used our time together discussing important life decisions and how we would make them, how we would do various things as a married couple, etc. My parents also had the rule that both parties involved needed at least one 4-year college degree for the reasons that PPs have stated, and it's the main reason we waited so long to get married.

I would also suggest waiting. Have some serious discussions with your parents and his and fully determine what their reasons are; make sure you give those reasons serious thought, too. Also, it is definitely possible to remain pure through a long relationship, and I believe it's definitely worth it. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, and we are so glad we waited (even though it was extremely difficult sometimes!). You can do it!

mrandmrsbrist · August 2011

I'm in the same boat, OP. I'm 18, a student, and got married the first weeked of August. My parents and H's parents asked us to wait until next summer, or until we graduate. They told us stories of how when they got married, they were so tired during the first few weeks, and how H's dad ended up with mono, in an attempt to get us to wait. We politely disagreed and told them the day we wished to get married. They supported us and after a while stopped telling the stories.

I don't think there is a clear line we can draw in the sand. We can't say that your marriage will only be successful once you're "older" or "out of college" because every person is different. God knows what's right for you, OP, not us. Seek His will for this situation.

Alcyone1 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:60c71420-bd1d-4ca1-a9be-68ecb2aed7b3Post:1ac56e06-34dd-496b-8cff-025e791a35ac">Re: Advice please</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the same boat, OP. I'm 18, a student, and got married the first weeked of August. My parents and H's parents asked us to wait until next summer, or until we graduate. They told us stories of how when they got married, they were so tired during the first few weeks, and how H's dad ended up with mono, in an attempt to get us to wait. We politely disagreed and told them the day we wished to get married. They supported us and after a while stopped telling the stories. I don't think there is a clear line we can draw in the sand. We can't say that your marriage will only be successful once you're "older" or "out of college" because every person is different. God knows what's right for you, OP, not us. Seek His will for this situation.
Posted by mrandmrsbrist[/QUOTE]

I should say, this is quite true. We don't know you or your fiance, and we're not judging you. We're just offering some advice and suggesting that you really seriously consider where your parents are coming from. Also definitely try to get them to listen to what you and your fiance are saying, too. Hopefully everybody can have a very adult conversation and get things cleared up. Your parents most likely have your best interests at heart and want you to be happy. Good luck!

DramaGeek · August 2011

I definitely agree with needing to sit down and talk with the parents. H and I had many, many long talks before we even went to talk to my parents because we wanted to work out all the details. We went through everything - where we'd live, how we'd support ourselves, how we'd juggle schedules, we made a monthly budget, called to find out about rent and utilities costs, everything. I looked at the classes I still needed and figured out that if we got married over Christmas break of my senior year (we got engaged at the beginning of my junior year), I could just take classes on T/Th that last semester, which made it infinitely easier, of course.

You absolutely need to talk to your parents about it, find out what their reservations are, and do the research to see if it's even feasible. For H and I, it was feasible and totally worth it. My parents' reservations were about finishing school, and we both promised we would. They know us well - we courted more than dated so they knew H well by the time we were engaged - and trusted that we would do it, not only to fulfill our promise but also because it was a desire we both had. If this is the case, perhaps a compromise can be reached - you marry between your junio and senior years, or over Christmas break of your senior year.

As someone else pointed out, if their reservations are about the relationship itself, then you've got a whole new thing to deal with.

mrandmrsbrist · August 2011

Drama is wise and gives sound advice. Listen to her, OP.

AllyG303 · August 2011

So, just to throw a different spin that isn't about parents, Fi wanted to get married when I was 19, but I wanted to wait until I finished college, and I'm really glad I did.
We are also abstaining until marriage and have been together 7 years now. It's hard, but it's also possible.

I feel like we have become completely different people than who we were 5 years ago when we had talked about getting married. We have had a LOT of hard times since then, and I think I would have ended up regretting getting married so young and to be honest, don't think it would have worked out had we done it.

agape1cor813 · August 2011

I can only speak for myself, but when I consider who I was when I was 19 versus who I am now at 25 is like night and day. I'm more savvy now, I've lived on my own and had to support myself. I think there is a lot of value in that.

My husband and I were originally supposed to get married in 2010, after we had both graduated from college and gotten jobs, but the economy threw a wrench in the plans and we ended up pushing the wedding back more than a year to June 2011. Ultimately, while it wasn't fun to have to wait to be married, we went into it with a great deal more security (financially and professionally).

I suppose my question is this: What would you do if you had a 19-year-old daughter who came to you and said "Mom, I want to get married next year"?

mrandmrsbrist · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:60c71420-bd1d-4ca1-a9be-68ecb2aed7b3Post:b70911be-b398-45a2-96cc-ec0e2766d28b">Re: Advice please</a>:
[QUOTE]I suppose my question is this: What would you do if you had a 19-year-old daughter who came to you and said "Mom, I want to get married next year"?
Posted by agape1cor813[/QUOTE]

Honestly, it would depend on my daughter. If she was mature and had lived on her own and supported herself already and I didn't see any problems with the relationship after seeking God's will, I think I'd be okay with it.

I understand that you're a different person at 20-whatever than you were at 19. But I can assure you will be a lot different at 40-whatever than you are at 20-whatever and no one is advocating waiting until 40 to get married.

Also, understand and realize that not every 19 year old is the same.

azdancer8 · August 2011

Honestly, I generally find myself in the "if you have teen in your age, you're too young to get married" camp. But I realize that there are 19 year olds out there that are quite mature for their age and can handle marriage just fine, and also that there are 30 year olds who have no business getting married due to lack of maturity.

I agree with PPs. Talk to your parents and see what specifically their reservations are. Drama said it all very well - she is a smart lady, that one.

DramaGeek · August 2011

Yeah, I don't totally get the "you're a different person at X age than Y" argument. Sure, if you're a total party kid who'se priorities are getting drunk and searching for the next adrenaline rush, perhaps it's unwise to marry young. For H and I, sure we've changed, but we've always been old souls, responsible, determined, driven, and had goals. Our goals have changed over the years but we've changed and grown together. I don't see that as a solid reason not to get married IF the couple/relationship is mature enough and ready for that kind of commitment.

ETA - MrsBrist and Dancer are making blush. Thank you for the compliments!

agape1cor813 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:60c71420-bd1d-4ca1-a9be-68ecb2aed7b3Post:273ea036-bb8a-4d61-b107-02389d03913d">Re: Advice please</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice please : If she was mature and had lived on her own and supported herself already and I didn't see any problems with the relationship after seeking God's will, I think I'd be okay with it.
Posted by mrandmrsbrist[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>What 19-year-old can really live on their own and support themselves these days though? </div><div>
</div><div>One other thing I thought of ... my dad said he knew a bunch of people who got married in college and then got divorced because their career paths took them in different directions. Sadly, the reality of the times we live in just does not support romantic notions of idyllic times.

</div>

RebeccaJac · August 2011

I didn't change a lot between 19 and 25, butttt my life certainly did. FI and I started dating when I was a freshmen in college. We knew from the get-go that this was it. We both agree that waiting has been good for us. We've evolved in a lot of our views and stances and the way we do life. Our relationship is better for it.

Honestly, God calls some people to get married young, and that's totally fine. But it does make things A LOT harder. I had a good friend get married in college and it worked out totally fine for them, but it was A LOT harder. She didn't get the normal college experience and that was totally fine for her, but I know she had a difficult time when people didn't understand that she wasn't like everyone else, she didn't get to go out at night and do stupid stuff and spend money and all that. It's not better or worse, just a lot different. Financially it's super hard to support yourself. Are you in a place that you can live without help from mom and dad?

I think you should sit down and really think about the differences marriage will make in your life. Pro's and Con's. Do not get married just so you can have sex. Financially, emotionally, socially, academically, spiritually, think of if getting married now will benefit you in the long run or if waiting will.

mrandmrsbrist · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:60c71420-bd1d-4ca1-a9be-68ecb2aed7b3Post:dd236e88-aab4-4e20-bd1d-7048517df65c">Re: Advice please</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice please : What 19-year-old can really live on their own and support themselves these days though?
Posted by agape1cor813[/QUOTE]

Uhm, hi, that'd be me. And I'm actually only 18. I graduated high school and community college, with honors, at 17. I was living on my own and supporting myself at 15, but then family (grandparents, specifically) took me in. Not because I wasn't making it work, but because they offered and I accepted. I paid rent and utilities to them, I bought my own food and cooked it myself. I just wasn't living in an apartment, that's the only difference.

I moved away from my hometown at 17 to start university. Supported myself until I got married in August. I'll be 19 next month. I'm debt free except for a small $2,000 school loan because of a scholarship problem, just in case you were wondering about that.

So yeah, there ARE 18, 19 year olds who can support themselves these days.

andriana13 · August 2011

Thank you all for your advice. One of the reasons that we're considering marrying early is because my FI recently enlisted in the Air Force. He will not have to pay for tuition, books, or food, and he will be getting a monthly housing allowance as well as some spending money. We're also both really good at saving our money.
I consider myself to be a realistic person. If I didn't think it was possible than we would just have to wait until we got our degrees. That's still not completely out of the question. I just think that early marriage could also be an option for us.
As for my parents, they love my FI very much and they're excited that he will be part of the family in the next few years. They just want to make sure that we are secure financially and that we secure our degrees. They don't want anything to distract us from obtaining those degrees. I do agree that I have to have a good long talk with them about what we all want. I plan to do this soon:)

Alcyone1 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:60c71420-bd1d-4ca1-a9be-68ecb2aed7b3Post:5b6263d1-0f4b-4aa9-a747-f9d06482bf74">Re: Advice please</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for your advice. One of the reasons that we're considering marrying early is because my FI recently enlisted in the Air Force. He will not have to pay for tuition, books, or food, and he will be getting a monthly housing allowance as well as some spending money. We're also both really good at saving our money. I consider myself to be a realistic person. If I didn't think it was possible than we would just have to wait until we got our degrees. That's still not completely out of the question. I just think that early marriage could also be an option for us. As for my parents, they love my FI very much and they're excited that he will be part of the family in the next few years. They just want to make sure that we are secure financially and that we secure our degrees. They don't want anything to distract us from obtaining those degrees. I do agree that I have to have a good long talk with them about what we all want. I plan to do this soon:)
Posted by andriana13[/QUOTE]

Your post really makes the whole issue make a lot more sense. It sounds like your heads are in a good place, and it's really awesome that your parents love him and are excited about him! Good luck with your talk! I'm sure a lot of things will be clarified and everybody will come out with a better understanding of each other's positions! :)

BronwynH · August 2011

My FI and I are also 19 and we are getting married this October. We both have part-time jobs and are going to school full time. While we may not live a luxurious life, we have what we need. At first my parents wanted us to wait until we finished college (his brother got married during college so his parents were fine with us getting married in college), but there were many reasons why we decided it was best for us to get married sooner. After discussing these things with my parents they came around to it and are supportive of us now.

andriana it sounds like you will be able to support yourselves. If your relationship is fully grounded in faith in God and your parents support you; getting married young while in college can be a good thing as long as you grow together & not apart because you will change more in the next 5 years and in the next 50 years. Also 1 Corinthians 7:9 does advocate getting married because of physical desire. Though this shouldn't be on the top of the list of why to get married it should definitely be on the list.

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