51 Days... where is my MOH?! (Long)

Junyper · March 2012

Okay, so...

I chose my best friend to be my maid of honor. I guess I see my bridal party as just people I love to stand next to me on one of the most important days of my life instead of people to help me. Looking back, my maid of honor hasn't helped me with anything, which I guess I really wasn't too worried about because I am more of a do-it-myself kind of girl anyway. I didn't mind at all, to be honest.

I'm an introvert, so I don't have a lot of friends. My wedding party is three people, C (MOH), M (my sister) and B (co-worker). I chose B because I had no other friends to stand up there and I never got along with my sister but felt obligated to do so. At the time B and were friendly co-workers who was there when I was trying to think of a 3rd person to stand up (my hubby-to-be chose 3) and I randomly asked her. B has been my crutch through this whole thing and has become one of my closest friends in the world since I got engaged. I never expected her to step up as much as she did and I don't regret asking her at all. I adore B and I hope she realizes it.

A few months into the engagement, I'd asked C, M and B to lunch and brought bridal magazines in hopes to find styles of dresses that they would all feel comfortable in. B was the only one to show. M told me she had to work so she would be late, but turns out she didn't show out of anger of my not making her MOH and she spent the night/day with her new boyfriend and didn't even leave me a message saying she couldn't make it, leaving B and I to wait on her) and C must have forgotten because she didn't show either. I wasn't mad at C at all. In my head I decided there must be a logical reason and put it behind me. I'd rather things be great between us than confront an issue with her.

Then my mom kept coming up to me saying "you don't know C like I do," even though they don't talk to each other. I still don't see where my mom got her distaste for C because she went from introducing C to me and adoring her to downright hating her and it didn't happen until I said C was my MOH. There was a small issue between the two, but it was work-related and something so small I can't even fathom why it was any real issue. But she kept saying I should make M my MOH and telling me how much it was hurting my sister M. She just said she didn't like C for months and months until the point that she seemed to be grasping at straws for things to put C in a bad light. ("She didn't even say 'hi' to me, she didn't relieve me right away for a bathroom break, she works so much overtime I feel sorry for her kids, etc.) I still don't see how any of what she said should cause anger.

But the last two months she's been saying "are you sure you want C as your MOH? Don't you think you should have a backup plan?" And I had no idea where she was coming from. She was making jabs at C without telling me any causes and I put it in the back of my mind.

Now, everyone has been coming to me suddenly with stuff against C that they hadn't told me for months. Turns out, B and M have been trying to contact C through texts and calls about the bridal shower and bachelorette party and C has been saying she'll take care of everything. And then now they call and she keeps putting off getting together with them to organize everything. It is now 51 days until the wedding and my mom decided to throw me a bridal shower instead because C was putting it off to long and she wanted to make sure I had one. Now, I'm the kind of person who could care less about a shower and really didn't need one. I don't even care if a bachelorette party isn't thrown, though I kinda would like one. So I told C to keep the 2nd last Sunday in April open (month before the wedding) for my mom's shower and C got upset because she had everything planned for the week after. C hadn't given dates to B or M even. I guess I figured there would be more communication between them. I felt bad because I was once again in the middle of my mom and C.

I work with C and she's been given a doctors note about a stress leave. Which is understandable considering she just went through a divorce, has to find a new job because judge is saying she's an unfit parent because she works 3rd shift and would have to get a 2nd shift job in order to not pay child support despite her ex and her coming to a joint custody agreement on their own, her brother just got out of jail and he and his EX and their two toddlers are living with her without rent while she takes care of her newborn and young child. I can understand she's stressed and I've told everyone to lay off her because I don't want to stress her with a shower or party because money is really tight for her right now. I don't expect any showers or parties.

But her leave was for a week and a half. Now it's been two and a half weeks and I haven't seen her for a week. I've called and texted all week and she has not answered/replied to anything. The dress is in and I want to get that picked up. I took B and M to pick up theirs and she didn't return my call/show up.

My mom JUST told me C's best friend T and her were supposed to go on a trip and C told T that she wasn't sure if she was going to get off of work for that day. T went in and asked if C got off, only to find she hadn't even asked off. Now T is out $300 on a plane ticket.

So I went in and asked if C took off for my wedding. C told me she took off months and months ago. Turns out she didn't and because I invited other co-workers to the wedding and they put in their slips, she's probably not going to get off if she tried.

With her not answering my calls, her lying, I'm near tears. I'm hurt she hasn't replied to me at all. It would be so difficult to even replace her with another person because she ordered a size 10/11 dress and I don't know anyone else who would fit into it. I don't want to ask someone else to be in the wedding and have them rush order a dress (I paid for C's dress, too!) only to have C come back all mad and have more drama on my hands.

I can't handle all this. My fiance just lost his job two weeks ago and now I'm already stuck paying for loose ends by myself.

What do I do?!

amandad18 · March 2012

If it were me, I'd really make an effort to talk to her- Stalk her down, if I needed to. I'd explain your situation, and give her a chance to step down- It honestly kind of sounds like she needs out of this MOH role, and I kind of think she would probably back out if you gave her the chance.

If she does end up stepping out of the wedding, I wouldn't stress about filling her space. An uneven wedding party isn't the end of the world.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this

mandi921vh · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_51-days-where-is-my-moh-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:b0d56a82-c952-4931-a2cd-3e7c300d5bfbPost:6e578b5e-dc5d-4581-b602-42f455a93a33">Re: 51 Days... where is my MOH?! (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]If it were me, I'd really make an effort to talk to her- Stalk her down, if I needed to. I'd explain your situation, and <strong>give her a chance to step down</strong>- It honestly kind of sounds like she needs out of this MOH role, and I kind of think she would probably back out if you gave her the chance. If she does end up stepping out of the wedding, I wouldn't stress about filling her space. An uneven wedding party isn't the end of the world. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this :/
Posted by amandad18[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm confused... it seems she had planned a shower, however didn't communicate this with other WP members or the bride's mother. She appears to have a lot going on in her life, A LOT! It seems like the bride's mother is saying bad things about MOH to make you demote her and have your sister as MOH. The MOH only has two jobs: buy the dress, and show up to the wedding. Even if she says she can't handle planning the shower, and/or bachelorette party doesn't mean you demote her...</div><div>
</div><div>Recently my MOH confessed she is unable to plan my shower and bachelorette party due to a health issue. I didn't demote her. Being my MOH is about her standing next to me on my big day, not planning pre-wedding parties for me.</div><div>
</div><div>Whatever you do don't replace your MOH, that is incredibly rude, and would be a friend ending move. Try to talk to her, and not about your wedding.</div>

amandad18 · March 2012

I'm not saying to demote her- I'm suggesting giving the MOH a chance to offer to step down. It does sound like she has a lot going on, but she might also feel like this is something she HAS to do and can't get out of without a lot of drama. I would stress I would love her to be part of the day, but if she feels like it's too much of a stress on her I would totally understand if she needed to back out.

What concerns me is that she hasn't requested the day of the wedding off and all of the other coworkers have, making it seem like she will have to work that day- Which would be a big problem with fufilling the duty of "showing up."

draggiefire · March 2012

I agree that you do need to find a way to talk to her. Ask her how things are going for her. Because, I agree, she might be overwhelmed with all of the other things going on with her life, that taking on the role of MOH has taken a bit of a back burner as a result. As unintentional as it may be. Because, even if she did plan a bridal shower but forgot to communicate the details to everyone that needs to know; from what it seems, there's a lot of 'forgetting' going on. I mean, I'm absent-minded, myself. I'll forget why I walked into a room when I knew that I walked into there with a purpose. But, her forgetfulness seems a bit excessive. Even to the nature of affecting her plans with another friend as you stated. If you're able to have a nice long talk with her about what's going on with her life (though it seems like you know quite a bit) gently ask her if asking her to take on the responsibility of MOH was unfair of you. Knowing that she has enough stress as it is. To ask her to be perfectly honest and that you'd hold no hard feelings because you want to make sure of her well-being. If you sense during this conversation that the additional stress of the role proved to be too much then offer the window of opportunity to step down. That you wouldn't be hurt or offended by this, but still want her to be there for your day even if it was as a guest. I have an uneven WP (2 MOHs, 2 Bridesmaids, 1 Best Man and 4 GMs). So I agree that having an uneven WP isn't the end of the world. Best of luck. I'm sorry that you have to endure this situation.

cpm1223 · March 2012

I'd try and do anything you can to get a hold of her to talk to her about whats going on. Don't talk about the wedding, just ask if she's doing ok. She is going through a lot right now and maybe just needs someone to talk to but is afraid to answer calls from you or the BMs if its going to be just wedding talk.

Whatever you do, and whatever she decides to do about being you MOH, do not replace her. You don't need a MOH, and it would be really rude to replace her if she drops out.

51 Days... where is my MOH?! (Long)

Re: 51 Days... where is my MOH?! (Long)

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