Small ceremony/ large reception

angelhicks2002 · December 2010

Hi,
What are the rules now and days on small wedding ceremonies and bigger receptions....I like the idea of a big party to celebrate but get incredibly nervous when I think of a bunch of people to walk me down the isle! How would I word it in an invitiation? please help!

georgia_bride09 · December 2010

It's generally rude to do this. If you want a small wedding, then both aspects should remain small. And it's "aisle".

Snippylynn · December 2010

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEH* Wrong. The answer is, you don't do this. It's mean.

crfische · December 2010

Meh, I did it. Personally, I think if you feed and booze everyone, that's the important thing.

We sent out a nice invitation to everyone for the reception, and then just put in little post card thingys for the ceremony in the envelopes of family who were invited to the ceremony.

The trick is, if you are saying it's SMALL, make sure it's really SMALL. Just you and family? Good. You, family, and you start sneaking in friends here and there, that gets to be dicey.

salt78 · December 2010

You do realize that during the big party, you will still be the center of attention. Right?

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I think it is pretty rude to do it, but it also depends on your family and circle of friends and whether or not it is acceptable. Generally, it sends the message that you aren't good enough to attend the ceremony (which is the most important part in my mind) but come to the reception and give us gifts.

Simply Fated · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremony-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9399ea55-4268-49f0-a562-c6600cf6e900Post:e0f0f6cf-11c7-4de9-b98f-f3560f5b564d">Re: Small ceremony/ large reception</a>:
[QUOTE]You do realize that during the big party, you will still be the center of attention. Right?
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]
That was my initial thought, as well.

When you say small ceremony, you are referring to immediate family, right? Like, parents, maybe some siblings and that's it, right? I mean, inviting 50 people to the ceremony, then 300 people to the reception just makes me cringe.

The important part of the wedding is the ceremony... that's what everyone at the reception is celebrating. So it's kinda weird to have them celebrate something with you that they weren't invited to witness.

Goldlie11 · December 2010

It can be done if you keep the ceremony super small. There are plenty of moments that make me more nervous than the ceremony. All eyes on me during the first dance and cake cutting is more nerve wracking to me. Are you still doing these things?

crfische · December 2010

See, I just don't buy into that. I go to weddings for the reception. To celebrate a couple moving forward together. The ceremony is between the bride and groom, IMO. If they want to keep that part private, go for it. My vows aren't for my mom's best friend's brother or for my boss or for my college buddy's recent fling/plus one, or what have you.

They're between me and my husband. And if people want to keep that between them, I have no idea why people don't think that's all right if they make that choice and then want to celebrate with friends and family after. It baffles me.

Also, I'm assuming people who feel that way are also against AHR's, correct?

Snippylynn · December 2010

Yep. I don't like AHR's either.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I understand where you are coming from Fish. It is just that in the Catholic faith, marriage is considered a sacrament and friends and family are witnesses to that sacrament. But again, that is just my opinion. Yours is not wrong and mine is not any better than yours.

I have nothing against AHR if you have the facility to pull it off. I have been to one AHR reception which was quite a long time ago.

Goldlie11 · December 2010

Aren't AHRs for those who were invited to the destination, but couldn't make it? If so, not a problem.

I have to agree with Fische that private ceremonies are okay when really kept private. When you have 50 at the ceremony and 100 at the reception, it kind of comes across as you can party with us and bring gifts, but you're not important enough for the ceremony.

crfische · December 2010

Agreed, jcb.

And Missy, yeah, I totally get that. Different religions and what not. I don't judge people who have big weddings in the least bit

I just don't see how people find it rude, I guess, as long as it's contained to family. I would totally respect if any of my friends wanted to do their vows privately. Just give me a beer when I walk in the door of your reception.

In fact, I'm BEYOND RELIEVED that one of my good friends who recently got engaged is doing this. One less bridesmaid dress I have to buy. Yay.

Simply Fated · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremony-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9399ea55-4268-49f0-a562-c6600cf6e900Post:ad8333e6-41c7-4c73-91d5-5eaeab1f13a9">Re: Small ceremony/ large reception</a>:
[QUOTE]See, I just don't buy into that. I go to weddings for the reception. To celebrate a couple moving forward together. The ceremony is between the bride and groom, IMO. If they want to keep that part private, go for it. My vows aren't for my mom's best friend's brother or for my boss or for my college buddy's recent fling/plus one, or what have you. They're between me and my husband. And if people want to keep that between them, I have no idea why people don't think that's all right if they make that choice and then want to celebrate with friends and family after. It baffles me. Also, I'm assuming people who feel that way are also against AHR's, correct?

According to the OP, she feels nervous exchanging vows in front of people.
I don't understand that reason because I'd feel just as nervous exchanging vows as I will be at the reception.

i'm not sure what an AHR has to do with it, though.

I'm all for private ceremonies and JOP and all that stuff, of course, but I feel that having a private ceremony and then a huge reception, based on her reason of nervousness, is absurd.

angelhicks2002 · December 2010

Thanks for the replies...and yes I do realized I will be the center of attention but it will also be more relaxed and casual! Thanks!

crfische · December 2010

Eh, I can kind of see her point. Standing in front of a bunch of people staring at you for 45 minutes, compared to mingling with a bunch of guests and MAYBE being in the spot light for a minute tops are two very different things.

She can always tailor her reception to not include those things, too. Don't wanna do a first dance? Ok? No cake cutting? all right. No garter toss? Thank god. Make a speech thanking people for coming and going around table by table to say hi? A lot less intimidating.

danieliza1127 · December 2010

The whole notion of something being "gift grabby" just never occurred to me until I started posting here. I've never thought for a second that anything my friend or family member decided to do for their wedding was "gift grabby" or just because they wanted my gift. It makes me scratch my head that people worry about that stuff, and also thankful that I have the kind of friends and family where I don't have to worry about that stuff.

So that said, if I was just invited to a reception only, I'd either be close enough to the couple to know why they were doing it that way (they'd tell me probably) or I wouldn't be very close to the couple anyway and so not surprised or offended to not be included at the ceremony.

I don't know, I go with the flow. I think people get too hung up on tradition and what you're supposed to do and just automatically get offended if someone bucks the "norm".

angelhicks2002 · December 2010

See...I wasnt even thinking of "gifts' The people I know mostly care about the reception....to me, small wedding is small...parents grandparents, brother and sister..thats it.....very personal and intimate....I just like that idea better. Although, I know I will be in the spotlight some at the reception It will be much more casual and to each his own....I like the idea of simple and then celebrating with friends!

mkrupar · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremony-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9399ea55-4268-49f0-a562-c6600cf6e900Post:dc7dc4bb-cf40-4cad-b667-2187a4efa302">Re: Small ceremony/ large reception</a>:
[QUOTE]The whole notion of something being "gift grabby" just never occurred to me until I started posting here. I've never thought for a second that anything my friend or family member decided to do for their wedding was "gift grabby" or just because they wanted my gift. It makes me scratch my head that people worry about that stuff, and also thankful that I have the kind of friends and family where I don't have to worry about that stuff. <strong>So that said, if I was just invited to a reception only, I'd either be close enough to the couple to know why they were doing it that way (they'd tell me probably) or I wouldn't be very close to the couple anyway and so not surprised or offended to not be included at the ceremony.</strong> I don't know, I go with the flow. I think people get too hung up on tradition and what you're supposed to do and just automatically get offended if someone bucks the "norm".
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

This is how I kind of feel on this. If I get an invitation for a reception only (I haven't ever, but if I did) I would either understand completely because I know the B&G's intentions aren't malicious, or I would be completely lost and probably wouldn't have attended the wedding in the first place.

I see where you're coming from as well Fische. But OP if you're going to to a smaller ceremony, make it truly smaller. You, FI, parents, siblings, but that's about it. I wouldn't go into inviting Aunts and Uncles to the ceremony. For me it would be immediate family only.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

I think it's fine if the ceremony actually IS very small/intimate. Just you and your FI and a couple witnesses? Fine. Just you guys and your parents and siblings? Fine. You and 75 other people? Not fine. I have nothing against people keeping their vows private, but private is not your whole extended family and then some. That's when I have issues with it.

AbbeyS2011 · December 2010

Personally, I think it is a great idea. One of my cousins did this - years ago - and I did not think anything of it. We were invited to the ceremony itself, but it was apparent at the reception that they only invited close family/friends to the ceremony. If anyone was offended by that arrangement, I sure did not see it!

I agree with fische - I want to be at the reception and have some fun celebrating with the newly weds!

PS: I am also having at AHR, because my family is on the West Coast and we are getting married on the East Coast, where we live. And yes, all my family out West will be getting a wedding invite.

SD3194 · December 2010

I don't think I would be offended if I wasn't invited to a personal ceremony. I would however, be a little bummed that I didn't get to see my friend's get married. I'm going to a wedding like this in Oct, just kinda sucks because I want to see the ceremony : /

Simply Fated · December 2010

Well, Emily Post says that it's ok, as long as the ceremony is a "very small, private ceremony."

Miss Manners has no problems with people being invited to the ceremony and not the reception.

Amy Vanderbilt says that if the church or synagogue can not hold everyone or if the bride and groom are holding an intimate ceremony, then it's ok to invite more people to the reception than the ceremony.
She goes on to say, "It was once the custom to invite only certain people to the ceremony..." and then she continues, "Today it would be insensitive, if not impolite to ask someone to the ceremony and not the reception."

Clicky links to the sources I used...

Emily Post

Amy Vanderbilt

Miss Manners

autumnbreeze26 · December 2010

My FI and I are doing this because the historical park we're having the ceremony at (which is conveniently right next door to the reception place) will only allow 40 people on the grounds. Our guest list is 85 people. So, we decided to only have our immediate family (moms, dads, siblings) at the ceremony and then meet everyone at the reception. We've discussed how to word our invitations and we're still deciding between something like:

J & A will be married in a private
wedding ceremony on
Saturday, the eighteenth of June
Two thousand and eleven
please celebrate with us at our reception
following the ceremony
at six o'clock in the evening
Reception Location
Address

OR

J & A are getting married!
Please join us in celebrating
at our reception on
Saturday, the eighteenth of June
Two thousand and eleven at 6:00pm
Reception Location
Address

We're just not sure if we should include the "private ceremony" or not. But, there are some ideas for you since you were asking.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremony-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9399ea55-4268-49f0-a562-c6600cf6e900Post:0f573ad4-55d9-4c18-a9d3-d2319b77e6f4">Re: Small ceremony/ large reception</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Aren't AHRs for those who were invited to the destination, but couldn't make it? If so, not a problem.</strong> I have to agree with Fische that private ceremonies are okay when really kept private. When you have 50 at the ceremony and 100 at the reception, it kind of comes across as you can party with us and bring gifts, but you're not important enough for the ceremony.
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's fine. Like if you invite 80 people to a DW and only 15 can make it, then you decide to just have a BBQ for the others when you get home, awesome. I wouldn't criticize that. It's when people PLAN an AHR and PLAN to only invite a handful of people to the DW that I think it's rude.

I also don't "get" the whole small ceremony/big reception thing, because, like Salt said, it's still your party, baby. I think a small ceremony, then just a dinner reception in a restaurant (maybe a private room) would be lovely, though. I liked my wedding, but part of me wished for something like that with no more than 20 people. Also, the reception is what costs $$$.

BUT if you do it, I would caution against inviting a lot of OOT guests. I sure as hell wouldn't buy a plane ticket just to go to a reception. But I would, and have, travel out of state for the whole shebang.

Simply Fated · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremony-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9399ea55-4268-49f0-a562-c6600cf6e900Post:6124c1d8-a658-44b4-a02b-b5c359215cc5">Re: Small ceremony/ large reception</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are doing this because the historical park we're having the ceremony at (which is conveniently right next door to the reception place) will only allow 40 people on the grounds. Our guest list is 85 people. So, we decided to only have our immediate family (moms, dads, siblings) at the ceremony and then meet everyone at the reception. We've discussed how to word our invitations and we're still deciding between something like: J & A will be married in a private wedding ceremony on Saturday, the eighteenth of June Two thousand and eleven please celebrate with us at our reception following the ceremony at six o'clock in the evening Reception Location Address OR J & A are getting married! Please join us in celebrating at our reception on Saturday, the eighteenth of June Two thousand and eleven at 6:00pm Reception Location Address We're just not sure if we should include the "private ceremony" or not. But, there are some ideas for you since you were asking.
Posted by autumnbreeze26[/QUOTE]
Miss Manners suggest sending out reception invitations and slipping ceremony cards into those who are invited to both.
<a href="http://books.google.com/books?id=Ju1XvqoMookC&pg=PA610&lpg=PA610&dq=miss+manners+ceremony+reception&source=bl&ots=5GEbDKC6DV&sig=nn63R4I95MZbnFuLe_DFjQRf7M4&hl=en&ei=HVcaTeOOKYT68AbhlKGqDg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBMQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=miss%20manners%20ceremony%20reception&f=false">click here to see her wording</a>

Small ceremony/ large reception

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