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A Bridesmaid in Need

laurayoung6laurayoung6
in Wedding Party
I recently got engaged to my longstanding boyfriend. We are thrilled to finally get the chance to stand up with our friends by our sides and say "I do." Most of the wedding party candidates are no brainers, but one has been on my mind quite a lot since I had to think about the logistics of choosing my bridesmaids.
My good friend (let's call her Jane) and her husband (who is also a good friend of ours) are getting a divorce. Both my fiance and I are upset that they are ending the marriage, but understand it wasn't working. Because my fiance and I are planning to get married in September, I am worried that being a bridesmaid may be too much for her. My question is do I still ask her to be my bridesmaid?
There are other factors to consider here, besides being tied up in divorce settlements for the next nine months. She is pretty broke, has two kids, and very high maintenance. I am worried that the wedding will become a black hole of Jane drama, which is not acceptable. I know my maid of honor will freak out at her for not getting involved, and I know I will most likely get miffed if Jane isn't helping with the wedding.
It is sort of a no brainer not to invite her to be a bridesmaid, but she is one of my closest friends. I don't know how to tell her that she might not have time to deal with my silly wedding. I don't know if she will tell me herself that she can't accept bridesmaid duties. So that's why I'm here.
I hope someone has gone through this before and has some advice. 
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Re: A Bridesmaid in Need

  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-bridesmaid-in-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a4fc1380-a1e6-4f28-b91e-08d956086cd1Post:90862870-5218-48f2-824e-36f8fd9d37cc">A Bridesmaid in Need</a>:
    [QUOTE]I recently got engaged to my longstanding boyfriend. We are thrilled to finally get the chance to stand up with our friends by our sides and say "I do." Most of the wedding party candidates are no brainers, but one has been on my mind quite a lot since I had to think about the logistics of choosing my bridesmaids. My good friend (let's call her Jane) and her husband (who is also a good friend of ours) are getting a divorce. Both my fiance and I are upset that they are ending the marriage, but understand it wasn't working. Because my fiance and I are planning to get married in September, I am worried that being a bridesmaid may be too much for her. My question is do I still ask her to be my bridesmaid? There are other factors to consider here, besides being tied up in divorce settlements for the next nine months. She is pretty broke, has two kids, and very high maintenance. I am worried that the wedding will become a black hole of Jane drama, which is not acceptable. <strong>I know my maid of honor will freak out at her for not getting involved, and I know I will most likely get miffed if Jane isn't helping with the wedding.</strong> It is sort of a no brainer not to invite her to be a bridesmaid, but she is one of my closest friends. I don't know how to tell her that she might not have time to deal with my silly wedding. I don't know if she will tell me herself that she can't accept bridesmaid duties. So that's why I'm here. I hope someone has gone through this before and has some advice. 
    Posted by laurayoung6[/QUOTE]
    That which I bolded?  That's on you and your MOH, not your friend.  It is inappropriate for your MOH to freak out at her for not getting involved, and you need to readjust your expectations for your friends so that you don't get miffed if Jane isn't helping with the wedding.  Jane and the rest of your bridesmaids have absolutely no obligation to help with your wedding.  They have no duties beyond getting the dress, which should be chosen with their comfort and budgets in mind. 

    Ask each of your ladies privately and individually what their budgets are, and you go from there.  If you want them to buy specific shoes it is your obligation to pay for them, but not if you just tell them to wear a neutral shoe (black, silver, metallic, etc.).  If you require professional hair and/or make-up, again, it's up to you to pay for them. 

    It should not be a financial hardship for her to be a bridesmaid because you'll be asking her what she can comfortably afford.  She is not required to pay for or help plan parties.  If you are close to her and want to honor that relationship, ask her.  If she cannot do it she is an adult and she can decline.



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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto from me as well.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • renegade gauchorenegade gaucho member
    100 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its
    You're considering not asking a friend to be a bridesmaid because the emotionally difficult time she's going through right now might interfere with her ability to fawn all over you?  Gee, you sound like a great friend.
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-bridesmaid-in-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a4fc1380-a1e6-4f28-b91e-08d956086cd1Post:90862870-5218-48f2-824e-36f8fd9d37cc">A Bridesmaid in Need</a>:
    [QUOTE]. I don't know how to tell her that she might not have time to deal with my silly wedding. I don't know if she will tell me herself that she can't accept bridesmaid duties. . 
    Posted by laurayoung6[/QUOTE]

    You, um, don't TELL her that.  She tells YOU that. 

    Ask her to be a bridesmaid and let her decide if she's up for it.  You can't decide for her.

    Also, tell you MOH to lower her expectations of everyone.  You don't want Jane drama but you're willing to put up with your MOH drama?  NO. 

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    People hate being told what is and is not too much for them.  Yes, your friend may be going through a difficult time but the last thing she needs is for you to tell her what she can and can't handle.

    Ask her to be your BM and let her decide for herself if she is up for it.

    As for your MOH, I think you need to talk to her now about lowering her expectations of everyone else in the bridal party.  Same goes for you as well.  If drama occurs between your MOH and your other BMs let them handle it since they are adults.

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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Maybe Jane will be lucky.
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