Impolite to buy a gift that is not on the registry?

Re: Impolite to buy a gift that is not on the registry?

• LaMaFa member

  

  December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_impolite-buy-gift-not-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:20d445a2-f728-47fc-ad46-e83df6147134Post:347ddcba-d6e3-46ce-9f3e-73094f3f93ec">Re: Impolite to buy a gift that is not on the registry?</a>:
  [QUOTE]What is impolite is an immature bride-to-be who wants it all.  First of all, a marriage is not about being the princess.  It is the ceremony to promise your love and devotion to the one you will spend the rest of your life with, for better or for worse.  And you love this person so much that you want to share this improtant event with your friends and family, not for requested gifts. Everyone likes receiving a gift, but he truly gracious are a bit uncomfortable being the recipent. You said you didn't want to sound ungrateful, well you definitely seem ungracious to outsiders.  True, it may just be that you simply didn't proof your post and it read worse than you intended.  I certainly hope so.
  Posted by mryep[/QUOTE]
  
  What is with the name-calling on this post? The OP is looking for advice and etiquette guidance, not preaching and rude, impolite attitudes. There is a big difference between ungracious and ungrateful. Ungracious would have been the OP pushing the gift back at the giver, saying "I don't like it, it wasn't on my registry" and having a hissy fit about it. It sounds more like while the OP thanked the giver at the shower, she doesn't have a use for the gift. So, I don't think it's at all that she is ungrateful her FSIL took some time to pick out and buy her a gift. It's more that OP doesn't care for the style and will probably never, ever use it. If you haven't had anyone throw you a shower yet, then you will find out for yourself soon enough how difficult it can be to recieve something that is completely not your style and nothing close to anything you requested. Yes, the recipient should still graciously thank the giver and show their appreciation for the giver taking the time to get them a gift. However, that does not mean that they have to like the gift or keep it just because it is a gift. Only that they need to offer their appreciation and then send a note thanking the giver again for taking the time to think of them and giving them something. Then hope that they find a gift reciept in the box to be able to get something they'll use and enjoy.
  The reason brides and grooms spend time making a registry is to show their guests what style they like, what colors they'll enjoy and what gifts the couple is truly looking forward to recieving and using after their marriage. Besides, since it was given at a shower (I know it's OP's FSIL, but pretend otherwise for a moment) depending on who threw the shower, there might be guests there that will not be at the wedding (because the host ultimately chooses the guests, not the bride), so someone giving a gift at the shower isn't necessarily important enough to the bride to have recieved a wedding invite.
  As a personal example, my FI and I recieved a sign-in book that a friend of my grandmother's picked up from a store we registered at, and I know she knew we were registered there as she had them add her gift to our registry. I appreciate her thoughtfulness in getting us something not on our registry (especially since we've never met or spoken), but I didn't register for it because I have other plans for my sign-in book. The good thing is she tucked the gift reciept into the bag, so I will be able to exchange it for something we will actually use, likely one of the items on our registry. It doesn't mean I or the OP are immature, only that we know we won't use it and think it's silly to have something lying around taking up space simply because it came to us as a gift. It sounds like the OP just wasn't sure what she should do about returning and exchanging a gift that she won't use; since it came from her FSIL, someone she'd reasonably expect to see again, and who might ask about the wedding gift. With the recent tweaks to etiquette rules as technology has changed so drastically, it can be hard to know what qualifies as breaking etiquette, and how to respond properly without coming across as a zilla.
  OP, after you have sent your FSIL a thank you, then you should wait until after your wedding to exchange it, since you have a gift reciept. She wouldn't have put the gift reciept in if she didn't have some doubts about you enjoying the gift, so take that as a sign that she won't be heartbroken if you get something else. If your relationship is strong enough with your FSIL, find some time to talk to her about the gift and let her know that while you truly appreciated her thinking of you and getting something so unique, it really isn't something you see yourself using, so you're planning to exchange it for something you know you will use. Maybe see if she'd like to come along with you, she obviously had a reason she picked out that gift, so maybe if she gets the chance to spend some time with you getting something you're going to use, she'll be more understanding about you switching it out. If your relationship isn't as strong, then don't trouble her with it unless she specifically asks.

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