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Guest etiquette- children and +1 guests

Last question for a few months, I swear!

Following up to my last Guest List post....

What's the modern rule about inviting children and +1 guests?

My family is HUGE and the wedding is already financially difficult. We have about 20 kids (between the ages of 2-12) invited in just our immediate family. I won't write "and family" for any friends or second, third cousins....even if they have small children. 

For family, I have to do +1 guest for any single adults. But I feel like for my friends and my fiancee's friends, it isn't necessary. No one is in a serious relationship. That would mean inviting 20-30 complete strangers to my wedding and paying for them to be there. I feel like if we seated all our young friends together, they would have a good time. I know it goes against the "rules", but I feel like things have changed, weddings are expensive, and considering we're both recent college grads with student loans and paying for our own wedding, people who are truly friends would understand. 

Just to give you an idea of the kind of "characters" we're dealing with: 
I already had issues at the engagment party where people freaked out because I said no kids and refused to come, until I caved in, everyone was bitter about it. It was insane. I also had an issue where my friends brought random plus ones to the engagement party that weren't dates! Like "I'm going to bring my mom". .....It was an intimate party in a small restuarant for 50 people. People amaze me.....


Re: Guest etiquette- children and +1 guests

  • edited June 2012
    Well I believe in the golden rule... so "do unto others as you'd want to done to you."

    If you were single, would you want to be invited without a guest? Personally I wouldn't. I find it insulting. I;ve been at tables where I was the only single and everyone was coupled up. Worst feeling ever.

    I hear you on the kids thing though. I have already lost that battle- I don't want kids at our wedding, but FI does. FI won.
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  • dh and i had 3 kids at our wedding-my half sister who was 8, my first cousin who was 9 and one of my BM's daughters (none of the other BP members had kids then). that was it. the rest of our first cousins are all adults.

    i would absolutely invite single people (regardless of if they're in a serious relationship or not) with a guest. no one wants to go alone-and if they do they can choose to and decline the guest offer. the thing is that you're hosting this party and you should do it the best that you can. if you can only afford a certain # of people then cut the list or put the wedding off until you can do it the right way.

    also why did you make the rules for your engagement party? yuo didn't throw it for yourselves did you?

     

  • I get invited sometimes as a single person, or w/ family because I'm not married yet. Everyone's wedding and guest lists are different. I understand that. It's an honor just to be a guest at wedding considering how crazy and costly they've become. I guess we disagree :-/

    Out of curiousity, what does "put off the wedding until we can do it the right way" mean? What's the right way? Doesn't every family and culture do things differently. Why does everything have to be big? I just don't understand why I have to invite the under 20 people that are a mix of college and high school friends with a plus one. They all know each other. It's not like they're going to a random wedding "alone". 

    As for the engagement party, my parents threw us an small party for about 50 people at a restaurant, but my fiancee and I made the gust list. We had to plan the whole thing in 3 days because I had a flight and would be out of the country for 8 months (long story). Anyway, people got all bent out of shape for us throwing together a quick party because there was no formal invitations, plus ones, kids, etc. It was just dinner! 

    Maybe it's me....I don't get it. 
  • edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-long-island_guest-etiquette-children-and-1-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:120Discussion:59de23b3-a978-49fe-840e-eb5d071b01c8Post:56486257-aaf9-4ce0-b5f9-ffdde98412e4">Re: Guest etiquette- children and +1 guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get invited sometimes as a single person, or w/ family because I'm not married yet. Everyone's wedding and guest lists are different. I understand that. It's an honor just to be a guest at wedding considering how crazy and costly they've become. I guess we disagree :-/ Out of curiousity, what does "put off the wedding until we can do it the right way" mean? What's the right way? Doesn't every family and culture do things differently. Why does everything have to be big? I just don't understand why I have to invite the under 20 people that are a mix of college and high school friends with a plus one. They all know each other. It's not like they're going to a random wedding "alone".  As for the engagement party, my parents threw us an small party for about 50 people at a restaurant, but my fiancee and I made the gust list. We had to plan the whole thing in 3 days because I had a flight and would be out of the country for 8 months (long story). Anyway, people got all bent out of shape for us throwing together a quick party because there was no formal invitations, plus ones, kids, etc. It was just dinner!  Maybe it's me....I don't get it. 
    Posted by EmpireState89[/QUOTE]

    Well I'm not inviting like 19 or 20 year olds with guests- that's too young.. but like if people are 24-25, definitely a guest. I thought it was hilarious my 17 year old second cousin who I barely see asked me if her boyf could be invited. I almost laughed in her face.
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  • angNjoe1124angNjoe1124 member
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    edited June 2012
    As far as etiquette is concerned, there is no one right or wrong way to do things. Some major things to consider are: the cost of your wedding (do you really need to be shelling out $200 for someone you do not know at all), the amount of people the venue can hold (consider fire hazards), and how you are handling singles/couples (you need to be consistent). I personally believe in inviting people that are single by themselves as long as you know they will have other singles (preferably people they know whom you can sit them with). In my opinion, it is unfair to you and your spouse to invite people you know will bring "flavors of the week" simply "just because." I do believe that you should invite with a guest if you know that the person has been in a long-term relationship (use that term at your discretion), is engaged, or married. I have been invited to weddings under both circumstances (single and plus one) and am cognizant of the financial strains and other decisions that weigh on this matter.

    As far as children are concerned, I think this depends on the atmosphere and your family. I personally do not advocate for children at a wedding because I feel it is unfair to the children, parents of the children, and other guests. A wedding is a social event for adults where a lot of drinking occurs; children may get hurt by broken glass and/or trampled by adults. If the event were a christening, communion, bar/bat mitzvah, or sweet 16 then I think it is safe to say children are to be included. 
  • edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-long-island_guest-etiquette-children-and-1-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:120Discussion:59de23b3-a978-49fe-840e-eb5d071b01c8Post:ca263363-0e91-49e7-adb3-81ac8b13ad38">Re: Guest etiquette- children and +1 guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]As far as etiquette is concerned, there is no one right or wrong way to do things. Some major things to consider are: the cost of your wedding (do you really need to be shelling out $200 for someone you do not know at all), the amount of people the venue can hold (consider fire hazards), and how you are handling singles/couples (you need to be consistent). I personally believe in inviting people that are single by themselves as long as you know they will have other singles (preferably people they know whom you can sit them with). In my opinion, it is unfair to you and your spouse to invite people you know will bring "flavors of the week" simply "just because." I do believe that you should invite with a guest if you know that the person has been in a long-term relationship (use that term at your discretion), is engaged, or married. I have been invited to weddings under both circumstances (single and plus one) and am cognizant of the financial strains and other decisions that weigh on this matter. As far as children are concerned, I think this depends on the atmosphere and your family. I personally do not advocate for children at a wedding because I feel it is unfair to the children, parents of the children, and other guests. A wedding is a social event for adults where a lot of drinking occurs; children may get hurt by broken glass and/or trampled by adults. If the event were a christening, communion, bar/bat mitzvah, or sweet 16 then I think it is safe to say children are to be included. 
    Posted by angNjoe1124[/QUOTE]

    What is wrong with a 'flavour of the week?' though.

    I'm an older bride and I had a lot of FOTW's until I got my act together and figured out who I wanted to stay with (my current FI obv). I was only invited to one wedding single but it was a wedding I will never forget and not in a good way. I don't think single people should not be able to bring a guest just b/c they are single- in a sense, it's sort of punishing them. They should be allowed to bring whomever they want. What I do think needs to be considered is the age of the person. I feel it is wrong under any circumstances to invite mid-late 20-somethings or older without a date. College kids do not need a date (whether they are single or not) but I am drawing the line at 25 and saying everyone over 25 single or not is invited with a guest- exception being BP (everyone will be invited with a date whether they are under 25 or not).
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-long-island_guest-etiquette-children-and-1-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:120Discussion:59de23b3-a978-49fe-840e-eb5d071b01c8Post:3fae6921-2145-487c-a43b-621b7e5509d2">Re: Guest etiquette- children and +1 guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest etiquette- children and +1 guests : What is wrong with a 'flavour of the week?' though. I'm an older bride and I had a lot of FOTW's until I got my act together and figured out who I wanted to stay with (my current FI obv). I was only invited to one wedding single but it was a wedding I will never forget and not in a good way. I don't think single people should not be able to bring a guest just b/c they are single- in a sense, it's sort of punishing them. They should be allowed to bring whomever they want. What I do think needs to be considered is the age of the person. I feel it is wrong under any circumstances to invite mid-late 20-somethings or older without a date. College kids do not need a date (whether they are single or not) but I am drawing the line at 25 and saying everyone over 25 single or not is invited with a guest- exception being BP (everyone will be invited with a date whether they are under 25 or not).
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I have been at one too many weddings where a guest attended that was simply brought "just because" the person was invited, aka not a friend, not really someone they were even "talking" to, etc. I have had terrible experiences watching people be the discussion of a wedding for the lack of manners and etiquette that accompanied them; sloppy younger crowds breaking plates, falling all over themselves, the list goes on. It is very awkward when they are unknowns but this could just be a desire to not go alone at any expense and therefore allowing you to just make yourself look foolish. I am just not into being tasteless, which is not to say that many people wouldn't bring an appropriate guest. I like drawing the line at 25, as I think most of my experiences were with younger guests bringing random dates. I have plenty of guests attending my wedding that are not being invited with guests; my fiancee and I have discussed this with our families at events and with our friends, all of whom are not embarrassed by going without a plus one. I think it depends on who you plan on inviting.

    </div>
  • What I think you have to consider is that you may have people decline to come if they are not invited with a guest. At my age now if I was single and not invited with a guest, I would not come. It really is an awful feeling when everyone else at the table is coupled-up and you're the only one who isn't. I know your wedding is YOUR day, but it is nice to be considerate to how guests would feel as well.
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  • angNjoe1124angNjoe1124 member
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    edited June 2012
    I have considered quite a lot and I am not paying for some random person to attend my wedding; there is no book that says I must and no one there to slap me on my hand for doing otherwise. If someone cannot accept being invited solo then they by no means need to attend; I would understand their decline as their personal choice. A wedding is about being with people who care about you to celebrate the day and I will not apologize for not wanting strangers at my wedding. I can't be concerned with 200 people telling me what to do when I have already gone to extremes to please people as is. I guess you may have attended weddings where they've sat you with couples and that was inconsiderate of your feelings but I do not think you can just write everyone off for doing the same. I am inviting a group of friends from graduate school, all without dates, to sit together at my wedding with one another. I, and they, see no harm in doing so, especially since we have been invited to multiple affairs under the same circumstances. I would never, on the other hand, invite my mid-aged single uncle without a date. To me, that is poor taste. 
  • The bottom line, and purpose of this whole post, is that there is no one way to go (I believe I made this clear in my first post). To each his own. Do what makes you and your fiancee and your personal situations happiest.
  • I love you angNjoe1124! <3 That's exactly what I needed to hear. The age group I'm talking about is 22-23, so I think I'm safe sitting them altogether. I also agree that it would  be rude to invite anyone who is an "adult" without a guest. But for this specific crowd, and since there is so many of them, I think it's perfectly acceptable. 

    As for the children, I have no idea what to do :-( It will start a huge WAR. Ideally, I'd like to pick and choose the children I want there. But I know that's not happening either. The problem is I'm the youngest in my family, the last to get married, so everyone else is in that having babies stage. And man are they mass producing them! lol. I'll have at least 20 kids under 6 for just immediate family. And it's a formal event. AND I know these parents, and they will let their kids run wild. They do it every holiday. 

    I guess the question is am I willing to have kids I don't want there, in order to have the kids I do want there. I also have to pay half price for each of them :-/ That's like $60 per child who's not even eating the food. 

    Any solutions to minimize the craziness? Set up a play area? Hire a babysitter? That seems weird. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-long-island_guest-etiquette-children-and-1-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:120Discussion:59de23b3-a978-49fe-840e-eb5d071b01c8Post:6de38530-3519-4b1a-b1dc-1643075538e7">Re: Guest etiquette- children and +1 guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]I love you angNjoe1124! <3 That's exactly what I needed to hear. The age group I'm talking about is 22-23, so I think I'm safe sitting them altogether. I also agree that it would  be rude to invite anyone who is an "adult" without a guest. But for this specific crowd, and since there is so many of them, I think it's perfectly acceptable.  As for the children, I have no idea what to do :-( It will start a huge WAR. Ideally, I'd like to pick and choose the children I want there. But I know that's not happening either. The problem is I'm the youngest in my family, the last to get married, so everyone else is in that having babies stage. And man are they mass producing them! lol. I'll have at least 20 kids under 6 for just immediate family. And it's a formal event. AND I know these parents, and they will let their kids run wild. They do it every holiday.  I guess the question is am I willing to have kids I don't want there, in order to have the kids I do want there. I also have to pay half price for each of them :-/ That's like $60 per child who's not even eating the food.  Any solutions to minimize the craziness? Set up a play area? Hire a babysitter? That seems weird. 
    Posted by EmpireState89[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It's your day and if you discuss it with them ahead of time it gives them time to tell you how they feel but also accept that it will be a group hanging out! As far as kids go, I don't really have many young children in my family attending- anyone with young children has under age 2 and has already vented about not wanting to bring the kids. I have heard of both options though- play areas and babysitters. I think a sitter works nicely but could be a lot to handle depending on the number of little ones. I also agree that the cost is a lot because they barely eat but some venues provide plain pasta, fries, and chicken fingers for the little ones so you need to ask!!

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-long-island_guest-etiquette-children-and-1-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:120Discussion:59de23b3-a978-49fe-840e-eb5d071b01c8Post:56486257-aaf9-4ce0-b5f9-ffdde98412e4">Re: Guest etiquette- children and +1 guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get invited sometimes as a single person, or w/ family because I'm not married yet. Everyone's wedding and guest lists are different. I understand that. It's an honor just to be a guest at wedding considering how crazy and costly they've become. I guess we disagree :-/ Out of curiousity, what does "put off the wedding until we can do it the right way" mean? What's the right way? Doesn't every family and culture do things differently. Why does everything have to be big? I just don't understand why I have to invite the under 20 people that are a mix of college and high school friends with a plus one. They all know each other. It's not like they're going to a random wedding "alone".  As for the engagement party, my parents threw us an small party for about 50 people at a restaurant, but my fiancee and I made the gust list. We had to plan the whole thing in 3 days because I had a flight and would be out of the country for 8 months (long story). Anyway, people got all bent out of shape for us throwing together a quick party because there was no formal invitations, plus ones, kids, etc. It was just dinner!  Maybe it's me....I don't get it. 
    Posted by EmpireState89[/QUOTE]

    i've never been invited alone or with my family. always iwth guest. i'm sorry if i wasn't clear about the right way-what i meant was it seems that you're clearly having an issue with this and you metnioned in your first post that you're recent college grads wtih a ton of student loans. that's all good-but you still have 2 choices-cut the guest list or wait until you can save up and afford to have everyonet here that you and fi and family want (aka right way).  you only get to do this once (hopefully!!) so i'm of the belief that you do the absolute best that you possibly can even if it means putting it off for a bit until you and FI and family can have exactly what you want and afford it-and the'res nothing wrong with that. the reason you dont understand about inviting people under 20 solo (and howd you come up with that number?) is because it's normal for you to be invited and jsut go and be with friend sor family. no so for everyone. personally if i was invited alone and wasn't family or best friends i'd probably decline. your wedding is a celebration of your marriage-not a college or high school reunion. inviting people with a guest imo is just the right thing to do for someone over 18 or so-but that depends on the person too and the istuation. but if your family and others are telling you to invite iwth a guest tehre's a reason. and you should listen.  the reception doesn't have to be big but it does have to be done with your GUESTS in mind as it's for them, not for you.

     

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