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Helping family vent

tiggy5555tiggy5555 member
Tenth Anniversary 100 Comments
in Hawaii
FI and I were planning and budgeting on helping some family with costs associated with travel to our wedding. The people we want to help are those that would be unable to attend otherwise. After attending a family gathering this weekend, I learned that a few of the people who expressed how much hardship this trip would bring upon them were planning to stay two weeks on Maui. These are people that we have offered to "help" out (although we didn't give them any specifics or numbers) because they acted as though they couldn't go!. Now that I know their hardship is only because they want to be there that long I feel no need to pay for any travel costs. More specifically there is one member of his family that would be so gratefully for the added assistance and could really use the help, I'd rather put all the money towards them instead of the people who obviously can afford the trip.

So I'm thinking that we will pay for a luau ticket per family for those who aren't really in a tough spot but we already said we would help in some way. I just feel like they are trying to get one over on us and I'm so pissed!
Please slap me if I'm wrong for feeling this way but would that make you mad?
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Re: Helping family vent

  • Tanq&TonicTanq&Tonic
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Wait, do you mean they are planning for you to pay for them to vacation for 2 weeks?  Or, do you mean you planned to help them out in unspecified terms, and you found out they would add to that to stay a full 2 weeks?

    I think either is infuriating and I totally understand why you'd be angry.  However, since you've already mentioned helping out for costs, I don't think you could flat out drop it all together.  I think paying for luau tickets, or maybe one night of hotel (eg, wedding night), or actually paying for nothing, but setting up a group rate so they can have highly discounted rooms (do this for airlines too!).  I certainly wouldn't bend over too far backwards unless, of course, that is what you wanted to do.  

    I wonder how on earth they could be so rude.  Maybe there was a major miscommunication somehow?

    ETA -- I cannot afford to stay for 2 weeks either.  Would you cover my travel too?  Tongue out
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  • tiggy5555tiggy5555 member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    For you Tanq of course!!! Lol! Yes they were planning a two week stay on their own and wanted to take whatever we offered!! Grrrr! I don't want to do anything for them but I like the idea of the group rate thing. At least the FI is in my side on this. It just makes me so mad they would act that way and here I am shopping endlessly for good deals with vendors, and doing all these projects to save money to help family... !!!!! Counting to ten... Thanks for letting me vent!
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  • Tanq&TonicTanq&Tonic
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    No worries, you have every right to be frustrated!  Some people just don't know how to graciously accept help, or let it go when it could be put to better use.

    I would just negotiate some awesome group rates at a hotel -- not even necessarily YOUR hotel.  Then I would sign up for the Alaska & Hawaiian Airlines discounts (both offer group discounts!), all at no cost to you.  After that, those guys are on their own.  I totally understand wanting to extend your stay, but if you're going to be traveling on the generosity of others, you should at least have the decency to not be so blatant.  One or two more nights, sure.  Frankly, at the cost of 2 weeks, they could juts pay their own way + airfare for a 1.5 week trip.  GAH.  GAH!!

    I'm angry for you.  We are having some *special* family stories tonight on the board!
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  • tiggy5555tiggy5555 member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    One good thing is our spending will be a lot lower now that we have an accurate idea of who needs help and who doesnt. There is a rainbow!!!
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  • dianalynmdianalynm member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Sorry to hear that! I say help minimally. The luau ticket is a good idea since I'm assuming it doesn't cost too much...? I hope you figure things out!
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  • breanessbreaness member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Yeah that's ridiculous. We're not even going to be on Maui for 2 weeks. We payed for FI's dad to go and he reimbursed us (finally) for the plane ticket for his girlfriend, but we only covered 4 nights for them since we couldn't afford to fully splurge too.


    and No! There is nothing wrong with the way you're feeling, that's absolutley ridiculous.
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  • kaeshakaesha
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It's sad that they don't know how to be classy about it, you know? Finances and family can be such an ugly thing!

    My parents paid for 5 nights' accommodation for my ILs because we knew they definitely couldn't afford 2 weeks in Hawaii - and flying from England meant that they really needed something that long to make the trip worthwhile... They were super, super grateful, and I'm really glad my parents could make it happen, as we definitely couldn't afford to pay for them.

    I say give the moochers a run-down of what you're covering for them asap (do you know what they think you're covering?) and let the chips fall where they may. If they don't come, they don't come. You'll still have an awesome event anyway!
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  • tiggy5555tiggy5555 member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    FI have the mind-set that there are certain people we really want there no matter what. We decided that at least 4 nights would be a decent stay. Anyone who cannot afford that length of time are the ones who we wouldn't mind donating a night or two, help with car rental, or cover some meals.

    For those who can cover the expense themselves we are glad they can make it and can't wait to see them and treat them to a great meal and open bar on our wedding day.

    What we want to avoid is people trying to use our help to extend their trip by a few days up to a few weeks. I am so ready to put my foot down and we have left messages for these particular family members to call us back. I think they know we have caught on. It's just not fair in my eyes to give to someone who isn't in need and potentially not have someone there who could really use the extra help.

    I didn't know being nice would turn into something ugly but my FI re-assured me that he will set them straight and it will work out. Thats everyone I'm starting to feel a lot better and I will be sure to give an update when it's been sorted out.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    You guys sound like you're doing the right thing! You guys are making a great gesture and I'm sure everyone appreciates the help. So it would make me soooo aggravated that some people are trying to take advantage of the situation. Good luck.

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  • bellathebridebellathebride
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    You are very nice to pay for anyone. I'd be upset too! The luau ticket is a nice gesture so I say go with it!

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  • ktabinktabin
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It is such a nice gesture on your part to help them out that it would be so frustrating to feel like they are taking advantage of you. What is it with families this week! UGH!
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