Bride's mom picks a dress first?

AJuliaNJ · February 2013

I set up a day with my FMIL today to go dress shopping for her MOG dress. At some point last week (without knowing we had this set up), my mom mentioned that the bride's mom gets to pick her dress first. The idea kind of annoyed me because I want to just let people wear whatever they want so I just ignored it. It's not like moms are in the bridal party, and my mom is not the host of the event so who cares? Also, my wedding is less than 5 months away and she really needs to get something ordered. I know there's no way in heck my MIL will choose anything near as over the top as my mom so should I just proceed with this day of shopping? Should I say we should wait to order anything until my mom does?

McRogol · February 2013

Yikes! Who knew there was "this mom picks a dress first" etiquette...

I have no advice for this!

thejucheidea · February 2013

It's apparently the custom in the South, as my FMIL asked me what my mom was planning to wear. I went to visit my mom and mentioned it to her, and she said that this was apparently a thing and gave me an idea of what she was going to wear so I could tell my FMIL.

CallaLily25 · February 2013

My mom told me about this "rule" too. I plan to ignore it, haha. I don't think it's an etiquette breach at all, and I'm pretty sure both of our moms are using the word "rule" very liberally. I think it's probably just the way things were done in their circles when they got married.

I'd let your MIL order when and what she wants.

AJuliaNJ · February 2013

Forgot to mention that I did go shopping with my mom last week and she said she couldn't pick a dress without her best friend being there.

AJuliaNJ · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brides-mom-picks-a-dress-first?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ecd5cd7-4b18-485a-87f0-d5f8eb2c3511Post:3f52a8c3-e6ab-467e-9fe7-761988d5ef86">Re: Bride's mom picks a dress first?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's apparently the custom in the South, as my FMIL asked me what my mom was planning to wear. I went to visit my mom and mentioned it to her, and she said that this was apparently a thing and gave me an idea of what she was going to wear so I could tell my FMIL.
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

I do have a very good idea of what my mom is going to wear (glittery from head to toe with a slit--yes, really) and know FI's mom will pick nothing like it. I'll just tell her that I told FI's mom what type of dress she planned to wear so she didn't pick out something similar.

kmmssg · February 2013

It is very very old school and most do not give this a thought anymore. I'm sure there are some circles out there who do, but it has mostly gone by the wayside.

"Back in the day" the MOB planned the wedding and was judged by her social circle for it. The MOB/FOB hosted and since this was MOB's social shindig, she chose her dress first and let MOG know color/length/formality. This is also where the old saying of the MOG is supposed to "shut up and wear beige" came from.

As a 3 time MOB I find this line of thought quite disrespectful to MOG. I have never called/coordinated with any of them because I thought it would be rude. I am NOT calling your mom rude. I think she has probably just heard this (as many in our generation have) and thinlks it is part of the deal.

Just let her know (gently) that she and MOG will shop independently and both will surely look wonderful, beautiful, and glamorous for the wedding.

misshart00 · February 2013

In Response to Re:Bride's mom picks a dress first?:[QUOTE]It's apparently the custom in the South, as my FMIL asked me what my mom was planning to wear. I went to visit my mom and mentioned it to her, and she said that this was apparently a thing and gave me an idea of what she was going to wear so I could tell my FMIL. Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

Same thing for me. My FMIL kept asking what my mother was wearing. I finally told her it was purple and floor length. Then she asked for pictures so she wouldn't clash. I kept telling her that whatever she wears will be great.

efmcc67 · February 2013

Yeah, I'd heard this, too, but didn't really pay much attention to it. I guess the idea is that the MOB picks her dress, and then the MOG is supposed to get something complementary. When I picked out my dress, another bride was there with her mother and FMIL, and they were picking out dresses together. This would be impractical in my case, since my mother and FMIL live about 350 miles apart, and I'm a good 600 miles from both of them.

egeurts · February 2013

My Mom and My MIL both picked dresses completely independently, and they both ended up wearing black, floor length, one shoulder dresses. It looked like they coordinated with each other and matched on purpose. Neither of them cared or felt that the other infringed on dress-wearing privileges or whatever (but I can see that some more up-tight moms may have had an issue with that), but they both looked gorgeous.

Grandma-in-law on the other hand, felt that she had to coordinate with all the other grandmas and make sure that everyone was looking acceptable and no one matched and she had to be the first one to buy.... Ugh.

beardownbchs · February 2013

LOL this is funny because my FMIL is so opposite. Our wedding isn't for over a year and a half and she's already asking what my mom is wearing - not because she doesn't want to clash, but because she wants to make sure she out-does my mom (and myself, I'm sure). I wouldn't be surpirsed if she shows up in a floor-length white gown with her boobs hanging out all over the place.

..Come to think of it, her boobs are bigger than mine. Maybe I shouldn't invite her at all?

SlothGoals · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brides-mom-picks-a-dress-first?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ecd5cd7-4b18-485a-87f0-d5f8eb2c3511Post:3a4f85b5-43ce-468b-856d-5e24cff7fa65">Re: Bride's mom picks a dress first?</a>:
[QUOTE]LOL this is funny because my FMIL is so opposite. Our wedding isn't for over a year and a half and she's already asking what my mom is wearing - not because she doesn't want to clash, but because she wants to make sure she out-does my mom (and myself, I'm sure). I wouldn't be surpirsed if she shows up in a floor-length white gown with her boobs hanging out all over the place. ..<strong>Come to think of it, her boobs are bigger than mine. Maybe I shouldn't invite her at all? :)</strong>
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

<div>Hahaha, I think that's only if they're fake and she plans on wearing titty tassles.</div>

AJuliaNJ · February 2013

Great news! Five minutes ago, my mom sent me a photo in the dress she just bought. Any potential dress-related conflict is averted. It is over-the-top, but not quite as bad as the ones she was looking at last week.

jennyd412 · February 2013

I've heard this "rule" too. My Mom already picked out her dress. My sister and I went with her. She doesn't follow the "rule" but FMIL wants to go shopping with me and my mother so we can help her find something. I think it's more related to being a Mom with just a son and wanting to do some "girl stuff" together and not about getting our approval for a dress she picks. My Mom's only concern about FMIL's dress is that Mom's dress won't be in until May and she ordered it in January. For a June wedding, if FMIL's dress takes that long to come in, she will be cutting it close.

Sierra524 · February 2013

I wasnt sure about this either! FIs SM asked me what color my mom was wearing like months ago. My mom has no idea. FIs mom hasnt even mentioned anything about dresses. My mom is def going to go over the top. She told me she "is not a plain jane type of lady." I dont really care what they wear as long as they feel comfortable.

mvance3 · February 2013

I think the reason for this 'rule' is so that both moms coordinate with the wedding without making one look more or less overdressed than the other...I don't think it's meant to be a problem starter. Maybe all three of you could go out together? Either that, or just have them agree before either buys a dress on a couple things: length, dressiness factor (not sure what to call it lol) and maybe a handful of colors to pick from (if your color is light pink and one mom wears pink but the other shows up in blue, she might look out of place).

This is what we did with my mom and FMIL...they both agreed to a short dress and jewel tones (my color is teal...so mom is wearing plum and FMIL said she'd look for blue). If you get those basics out of the way, it really doesn't matter who goes first.

Loopyseven · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brides-mom-picks-a-dress-first?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ecd5cd7-4b18-485a-87f0-d5f8eb2c3511Post:8e1b3ea7-0b16-41e3-aa40-502d1c4b7525">Re: Bride's mom picks a dress first?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the reason for this 'rule' is so that both moms coordinate with the wedding without making one look more or less overdressed than the other...I don't think it's meant to be a problem starter. Maybe all three of you could go out together? Either that, or just have them agree before either buys a dress on a couple things: length, dressiness factor (not sure what to call it lol) and maybe a handful of colors to pick from (if your color is light pink and one mom wears pink but the other shows up in blue, she might look out of place). This is what we did with my mom and FMIL...they both agreed to a short dress and jewel tones (my color is teal...so mom is wearing plum and FMIL said she'd look for blue). If you get those basics out of the way, it really doesn't matter who goes first.
Posted by mvance3[/QUOTE]

<div>The mom's can wear whatever they like and feel comfortable in. If they WANT to coordinate, fine, but don't force the issue.</div>

Peledreamsofrain · February 2013

I never heard of it at all until after my wedding. It led to some hilarious hindsight, because I finally understood why my MIL kept bugging me and bugging me about what my mother was going to wear. It weirded me out, and since me mother lives over 2,000 miles away from me, I had no frigging clue what she was shopping for. The most confusing part for me was that they talked to each other on facebook. Why go through me at all. I definitely got the feeling that I frustrated her with my lack of bossiness

.

BostonGIrl4732 · February 2013

My FMIL brought this to my attention. My mother's currently trying to lose weight and won't get her dress until a few months before the wedding, so I told my FMIL not to wait. She picked a beautiful dress (beige too!), and my mom will probably end up in a similar style, just a different color. I don't think anyone is super concerned about it.

Bride's mom picks a dress first?

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