Flower Girl (warning long)

pixiepink22 · August 2010

So FI and I have these friends, his BF from the Military, whom we hang out with when his BF is not deployed. He just returned from Afghanistan last week and therefore his wife and 3yr old daughter moved back to Washington as well. (His wife always moves back to Montana when he is deployed for over 8 months) Last year, when I had first started planning our wedding they were all still in town and his Wife had asked me about her daughter being our flower girl. FI and myself do not have family in the flower girl age range so I told her that would be nice and we should talk about it later. (Kinda being put on the spot) Then they moved away and I thought I had gotten out of this whole flower girl thing.

Last week, she had called to see if we wanted to go out to dinner and she asked me if I still wanted her daughter to be our flower girl. I politely told her that the wedding is in 27 days and I didn't really have time to throw the whole flower girl thing together and that I had way too much to do and I would really like it if they could just enjoy themselves as our guests and basically don't worry about it.

Flash forward to last night, we are at their house and she BRINGS IT UP AGAIN! Only this time in front of FI, her husband and her 3yr old daughter. AH! Basically all three of them were saying how nice it would be and I felt awkward saying no. So I start making excuses like... well she doesn't have a dress and she says "oh she still fits in the dress she wore to be the flower girl at my brother's wedding last summer. Then I said well she needs a basket, somehow the basket she used last summer just happened to be sitting in the living room. So she runs and grabs the dress to show me and it's virgin white! My dress, the tuxes, table linens everything is ivory! I didn't know what to say and now I'm freaking out! Plus her daughter has grown 6 inches from last year how could it fit!?

What should I do!?

amandasw · August 2010

wow... I think I wouldn't want her to be in it based solely on the fact that they are being so pushy about it - that just rubs me the wrong way. Not to mention, how is the mother going to act the day of the wedding...

The thing is, concretely, there's not much of an argument here against it because it really wouldn't be that hard to make it happen (it couldn't be TOO hard for the mom to find a new dress, esp if she's so hell bent on it). The main argument here is that she isn't respecting your decision, which is a big deal, just one that may be harder to get across.

I honestly don't know what to say other than, if these are your FI's friends, he should talk to his friend (the husband) and try to get it through that way since the wife isn't taking "no" for an answer. You and FI should get on the same page to start with (I assume he was probably just not aware of everything and/or doesn't think it's a big deal). Then decide if this is a battle you want to fight and go from there. Sorry!

karebear219 · August 2010

If you really don't want her to be the flower girl, sit them down and be honest. Let them know you just aren't comfortable and they caught you on the spot before. I would appologize if they though you were unclear before. I think you need to be really upfront with them, because they clearly aren't getting it.

dreamwinds · August 2010

I agree with pp. I think a lot of the problems stem from the fact that it wasn't entirely clear in the first place that you don't want her as a flower girl. And it doesn't seem like there was any point where you've told her point blank you do not want a flower girl, just been agreeable or hedged around the subject or made excuses.

I don't think it's as much of a case as her not respecting your decision and more that there wasn't really a concrete decision conveyed. I can see from her perspective how she thinks covering all her bases and making it no work for you would make it appealing esp. when I don't feel like I read an absolute: "I'm sorry for the miscommunication, but we aren't interested in a flower girl. Thanks though."

As mean as it sounds, it's a lot more clear and decisive than trying to be passively polite. Be assertive! It's not rude, and it is your wedding.

Tygirljojo · August 2010

I agree with PPs and ditto Amanda's thoughts & ideas. If that doesn't work and it comes to a head where your FI wants the girl as the flower girl, then make it clear that they need to get their daughter an ivory dress to match. Not asking for a lot if that's something that is really wanted. And just put it on your FI to head that up if he does go that route. Sorry about the situation.

amandasw · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_flower-girl-warning-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:104Discussion:def70fc2-509e-4290-8cd7-220f6d327eb9Post:e182b6f8-5024-40bb-aa8e-7b91ef8ee1ac">Re: Flower Girl (warning long)</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't think it's as much of a case as her not respecting your decision and more that there wasn't really a concrete decision conveyed. I can see from her perspective how she thinks covering all her bases and making it no work for you would make it appealing esp. when I don't feel like I read an absolute: "I'm sorry for the miscommunication, but we aren't interested in a flower girl. Thanks though." As mean as it sounds, it's a lot more clear and decisive than trying to be passively polite. Be assertive! It's not rude, and it is your wedding. :)
Posted by dreamwinds[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this is true. Maybe it's not that she isn't respecting a decision (because I agree that maybe a decision was never made), but I would say she's being pushy - ignoring OP's excuses during the hang out, which I would take as "no thanks". It's awkwardly forward to keep insisting on it when on the other hand, I don't feel like the OP ever said "I want her to be the flower girl, here's what you need to do" etc. If nothing else, like pp said above, be direct and clear since this couple doesn't seem to take subtle hints.

pixiepink22 · August 2010

Thanks for all your ideas... I know I need to talk to her but I just didn't know how to go about this tactfully. I guess I try to be a nice person and I didn't want to hurt her feelings since obviously she is obsessed with her daughter being in our wedding. I did tell her NO on the phone, that night she asked me about it, before we went over there for dinner and that's why I was so thrown by the whole bringing it up again in front of everyone.

I think I'm just going to explain to her all the extra that come along with being a flower girl. The thing I'm scared about is, gosh how do I put this nicely, she is very Montana-ey and it's not just the dress she has to buy it's the shoes, tights and hair bows.... and they can't be bright white. And her hair has to be done! AH! This is a mess... how am I going to tell a full grown woman she has to do her daughter's hair for the wedding!?!?! What did I get myself into! Maybe if I make a really big deal about the whole thing and how important it is she will back out? That or she will actually go buy all that stuff. We'll see and I'll let you all know how the talk goes

amandasw · August 2010

Based on that last paragraph, I'm confused as to whether you want her in it, lol. I think you need to decide and tell her - don't hope she'll back out. Did you ever see the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"? Yeah, I wouldn't do that

If she is so obsessed with having her daughter in it, she'll probably do everything you ask her to, even if the list had 15 things on it. Good luck!

Flower Girl (warning long)

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