A Little Advice About Mom

MothsandDragonflies · August 2012

I'm kinda emotional right now so bear with me...

I just got an email from my mom that basically told me about how much she doesn't like my fiancee's family, and that she thinks they and he are snobbish. The whole email was very emotional and she says that this has been "building" and that she feels like we don't have a relationship anymore and that my FI and me's relationship has taken over and that she wishes she could have left me and my brother with our father 20 yrs ago and got a job in another state. I am super hurt by this. I can't even begin to explain how hurt I am. I wrote her back saying I don't know where this came from, but that I call/talk to her almost every day (we have always had a really close relationship) and that she has always been the one person I have been closest to. My mom and I have always been really close, (dad's outta the picture) and we have a really small family (I have one sibling, no extended family except one cousin and an aunt). My mom has been depressed this summer because she has been having some hard times and I have been trying to be there for her as much as I can. I have tried to see things from her point of view, and the only thing I can come up with is that she is depressed that her kids are growing up and she doesn't have us anymore at home. I just feel so crappy and sad right now because she is the only person I have had to really talk to about the wedding and plans, and about anything really. I don't have any girlfriends or anyone to talk to, and I have always shared things with my mom.

I don't know where this came from. I don't knwo what to do. She also wrote that she thinks it's crapy that I am going with my fiancee to family camp with his mom (it happens to fall over his mom's birthday, and I couldn't spend my mom's birthday with her this year because her and myself had to work). I don't know what to do to make her realize that I will always love her no matter what, and that just because I am getting married she is not losing me. I am panicking right now because if she is going to be against this whole thing then I will literally have no one to be with and ask advice from about anything wedding related- let alone anything else. I'm sorry about this rant but I am at a loss right now and I feel super hurt and don't know what to do.

She lives about 1 hr & forty minutes from me, we both have summers off and I have visited her multiple times this summer, and she hasn't visited me once even though I have tried inviting her. I don't know what she expects me to do- I try my hardest to keep her a part of my life and to let her know I'm here but I feel like this just shows she doesn't think it is enough. I was thinking about giving her some space and not calling her for a couple of days, but I don't know if that will just make it worse. I just don't know what to say to her. She is the type who will act like nothing happened if I don't talk to her for a day or two and she calms down, but I feel like this is going to stay under the surface unless we both talk it out but I don't even know where to start, and I'm afraid if I bring it up it's just going to end with me crying and her hanging up on me.

Edit: To reference the "snobbish" thing above- my FI's parents both have well-paying jobs, own their own houses and my mom has a part-time job, rents and she has always felt like she didn't make enough to provide for us (her words, not mine). That is where I think she gets that word from. It shouldn't matter, but it seems to matter to her.

Neither sides of our family (my mom, his mom or dad) have ever wanted to get together with each other (even if we wanted to set something up) so they haven't gotten to know each other at all.

MairePoppy · August 2012

An MOB, here. Your mom's words are not those of someone with fleeting sadness. She may be clinically depressed and in need of medical care. Could you and your sibling clue her doctor in on what's going on with mom? Then encourage mom to get a check up.

Don't let your mom guilt trip you about your relationship with your FILs. It would be nice if they met before the wedding, but it's not necessary. If both sides are resisting, let it go. Your FILs and mom do not have to be friends or even like each other, as long as they treat each other with respect. Try to limit the talk about your FILs with your mom, since it seems to be a sensitive subject.

Let your mom know you would like her to be involved with the wedding planning. For me, shopping for THE DRESS was my special moment with my daughter. If that goes well, include her in some other things. Otherwise, my daughter and her fi are doing most of the planning of their wedding, together. It's really sweet to see her fi take such an interest in some of the details. That's the way it should be - it's his wedding, too.

Good luck. I'm sorry your having a hard time with your mom.

MothsandDragonflies · August 2012

I think I was in shock that she would say some of those things- and I wrote her back asking why she would. You are both right my mom is definitely depressed- but I have no idea how to help her. She doesn't have a GP or any doctor that she sees on a regular basis really that I could call about it. I'm honestly afraid to bring something like that up- I feel like she would just get angry or just not want to talk about it. I want to talk to her but I'm scared to call her and have her either pretend nothing's wrong or something. She is not the type of person that accepts that she is wrong hardly ever. I don't really know what to do. I'm still feeling shocked and hurt that she would lash out at me like she did when we are/were so close. I just feel terrible- I love my mom so much and it's terrible to see her like this.

calliopeia2013 · August 2012

If it's possible, you actually may want to consider seeking counseling for yourself. A good therapist can help you develop coping strategies for dealing with a close family member who's suffering from a mental illness- perhaps most importantly, how to not take it personally, not be hurt by it, and come to terms with the fact that you can't control her behavior and that it doesn't reflect on you. It also sounds like you might be in something of a codependant relationship with her, and a therapist can help you learn how to break out of that (extremely self-destructive) cycle.

Regarding how to talk to your mom, the absolute easiest way to talk about it (which is still pretty tough) is just to say, "Mom, I've been noticing that you've been seeming really down lately, and it's out of character for you. Have you considered talking to your doctor about getting screened for depression?" Do you think she'd react badly to something even that gentle?

willywally5 · August 2012

I also think your mom is demonstrating signs of clinical depression. Getting her some medical attention and counseling seems like your next step.

The remark about wishing she'd left you with your father was horrible. I am so sorry you had to hear that.

elbow23 · August 2012

I'm not a regular poster on this board, but I thought I might add a suggestion as someone who has also dealt with her own mom's depression - you mention that your mother doesn't have a regular physician, but does she have/is she close to a religious leader? While these individuals are not necessarily mental health professionals, they can be an excellent source of comfort and advice, and the ones I've encountered have always seemed willing to listen. I agree with the thought that your mom could benefit from medication, so the idea of a religious leader is not to replace that, but if she could find someone else to talk to, it might put her in a frame of mind in which she's willing to consider other treament options. Her religious leader (assuming she has one) could also be an ally for you as you attempt to get her the help she needs.

A Little Advice About Mom

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