Broke off Engagement/ vent

DanieMarie212 · September 2010

I'm back to square one, and I'm okay with it. My ex fiance could not understand that my son came first, even though he has a four year old daughter. Instead of being concerned when he is sick, its you have a fiance you needs you to. I will not for any man put them before my son. I'm very at peace with my decision. I took my son to his dad after his dr.s appointment today, and i explained everything to him. He agreed with me. I don't think i'm in the wrong. Do you ladies?

bethsmiles · September 2010

I could never tell you if you were wrong in your decision because I don't know all the details and I don't have a child but to me it sounds like you did the right thing. Did you break-up altogether or did you just break off the engagement?

StarGazingHiker · September 2010

Oh Danie I'm sorry!

DanieMarie212 · September 2010

All together. My final straw was bry had a fever this weekend. He was sleeping with me in the bed. Instead of asking if he is ok, it's i wish i was laying next to you. I'm busy taking care of a sick baby, i babysit during the week to make money, and on weekends to make extra money. He just can't except that. So i broke it off. I talked with my sons dad today. It was actually a good talk. He has been stepping up more with Bryland. Maturing more with his actions. We decided to work on a friendship and see if someday we can work out our relationship.

musikbx · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_broke-off-engagement-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:76e1fad4-fe32-4dcd-8966-7e2a4dee9f43Post:ad39a24e-9230-4e49-8bc4-b59b126cdbd7">Re: Broke off Engagement/ vent</a>:
[QUOTE]All together. My final straw was bry had a fever this weekend. He was sleeping with me in the bed. Instead of asking if he is ok, it's i wish i was laying next to you. I'm busy taking care of a sick baby, i babysit during the week to make money, and on weekends to make extra money. He just can't except that. So i broke it off. I talked with my sons dad today. It was actually a good talk. <strong> He has been stepping up more with Bryland. Maturing more with his actions. We decided to work on a friendship and see if someday we can work out our relationship.</strong>
Posted by DanieMarie212[/QUOTE]

If you are thinking that you may want to work out the relationship with Bryland's dad, then it may be for the best that you broke things off with your now ex-fiance. It sounds like you understand that it is unfair to continue a relationship with your ex-fiance if you are have lingering feelings* for someone else.

Edit: *This is me assuming by relationship, you mean "getting back together"

DanieMarie212 · September 2010

We discussed that we may or may not ever get back together. We need to get our lives back on track and establish a friendship. Maybe one day get back together but there is a lot to work out. We have had some sour fights about bryland when we first broke up.

Goldlie11 · September 2010

It's really hard to know if what you did was right without knowing more about the situation. I'm not saying that you need to give us details, I'm just saying I don't know. Obviously, it had to be more than one comment about wanting to be in the bed with you.

Many men do get jealous of children. The fact that Bryland isn't his makes it even more likely to happen. It sucks that you didn't find out the extent of your Ex's jealousy before you got engaged. I don't remember your backstory or how long you've been together, but I assume you two were really serious. Sorry you're hurting.

DanieMarie212 · September 2010

Thank you everyone. Goldie yes it was more than one comment. Every time he didn't feel good or was in my bed, it always turned around to him. I have been busy with Brylands birthday, i had a friend in town. So we really didn't see much of each other, and that's all he could nag about. I didn't always want to bring bryland with me, just in case things didn't work out.

He was very childish at communicating to. If i voiced how i felt, its well that hurts, or he just wouldn't say anything. My feelings were i'm 26 and have a baby, i'm not dealing with childish drama.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

I'm so sorry, but you do have to do what you feel is right for you and your child.

tafft1 · September 2010

No suprise here - all I can say is at least you are putting your child first and for that I cannot blame you.

CWill16 · September 2010

I commend you for putting your child first. So many women get caught up in their new relationships and their children really suffer. Good for you. I don't think any parent should marry an individual who will not TRULY love their new step child.

I know you are probably still hurting right and I hope things get back to normal in your life soon. GL

desertsun · September 2010

I'm sorry, Danie. I know this can't be easy. But I do agree with PPs that you are absolutely right to put Bryland first.

*hugs*

DanieMarie212 · September 2010

Thank you everyone. My baby is my world and the deciding factor in everything i do.

whitma87 · September 2010

i commend you for being such a strong woman. not many women can just walk up and leave like you can. there is so many women out there being mistreated and abused by their spouses because they don't believe they have the strength to just leave. just think of your baby and you'll know you made the right decision. its best that bryland, as young as he is, doesnt see his mom and moms boyfriend fight.

MLekathLEEN · September 2010

I'm sorry Danie

It's going to be tough but I think putting Bryland first is the right thing to do.

Take things one at a time with Bryland's dad. I'm not sure what your relationship was pre-Bry so this is a general thought- but I'd try working on being friends first (like you mentioned). It might turn out that you guys can be awesome friends even though you weren't right "together". I had a horrible relationship with a BF but now (and soon after we broke up ) we are honestly best friends, we just didn't work well as a couple. Having a healthy friend relationship with your ex is much better than forcing yourselves to be together, especially when you have a child. It sounds like you've got things covered and I think you'll do ok..Good Luck hun!

dwest2201 · September 2010

Danie, you did the right thing by leaving your exFI... it's easy for men to get a little jealous of a mother and her child (my ex was very jealous of me being so close to our son and he NEVER slept in our bed... he was just my baby because exH was NEVER around). For your exFI to be like that on a regular basis and express it openly means that he's probably feeling very jealous, envy and jealousy are both natural emotions that we all deal with occasionally... it's how we act when feeling these emotions that makes a difference. Most people will hold in a little bit of jealousy because they are aware that it's silly or just temporary or they will say something to you like "after ___ (whatever is making them jealous, I'd like to spend sometime with you... just me and you... I've been missing that"... like when a child is sick and getting extra attention, etc. but for him to continuously say things is immature.

If a man honestly loves you and loves your child like his own then he would want to do whatever is best for the child, even if that means a crowded bed or taking up the couch for a night. Perhaps exFI was a great guy but not step-dad material... it really takes a special kind of person to be a step-parent (just like it does to be an adoptive or foster parent).

My FI does not like if my son is in our bed ever, neither do I as my son is a sprawler and he moves a lot in bed... therefore he's kicking us the whole time and 3 people in a queen bed is a squeeze! However, when my son is sick we welcome or one time we had a really really bad storm(hurricane winds, power out etc) and he was scared we both welcome him into the bed and cuddle up together.

One more thing... with your ex, ex (son's father) I would recommend a friendship. There are obviously reasons that you and him separated before. For your son's sake you should try to be friendly at the least, actual friends maybe even... but anything beyond that could be confusing to your son, especially if it didn't work out again. Trying to go into a relationship again would be hard... you both will remember the past, it's immpossible to forget and very hard not to pull things from the past and "throw them in each others faces" once issues arise.

Whatever you decide to do I'm proud of you for putting your son first and I wish you the best of luck!

*HUGS*

PaigeMcC · September 2010

Wow. I'm sorry about this. I'm glad you're putting your son first, smart mama.

DanieMarie212 · September 2010

dwest2201

The reason Billy and i broke up(my sons dad). Is that i was angry he wasn't helping out with bry as much as he should. I was angry that he wasn't growing up.

The more we talked and i expressed my feelings the better things have becoming. We had a major communication problem before. I would always tell him how i felt, but he would never express his feelings.

I always have my guard up, and we both would not rush right into a relationship again, we learned that from our past mistake. We moved in fast and planned bryland way before we should have, but we both can admit that.

I see each day he gradually progresses in his responsibilities and wanting to make a better life for Bryland, and that really makes me happy. He has learned to not be so selfish, and if things don't go his way to come to a compromise.

He said to me yesterday. It took Bryland to make me want to change and do these things for myself.

I'm sure it was a jealousy thing with ex fi, i never thought of it that way. However i do not let bryland sleep in my bed all the time. Only when he is sick, or just gets shots.

I feel that if your in it for the long hall. You understand and respect where the other person is coming from. I told him from the very beginning since i had bryland, that i would not spend the night, and that i wanted things to go slow. I wanted the courtship of dating, and going out, and not moving in together before hand. I learned from all my past mistakes of rushing relationships.

DanieMarie212 · September 2010

Sunbird627,

Were not gonna rush into anything. We know right now is not a good time for a relationship. We just talked about spending time together as a family. We feel its good for bryland. I think we will always have feelings for each other. We just need to sort out a ton of things. We don't know if were meant to be together or just friends.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

Danie - I think it's great that you're going to work on being friends with Bry's father. My brother and his ex-wife are still friends. They may not always get along, but they know that being friends is what's best for their son (5 years old). My SIL (she's my nephew's mom and she'll always be my SIL in my book) even ended a relationship with another guy because he was jealous and couldn't understand why she wanted to be friends with my brother - this guy thought my brother shouldn't be in the picture at all.

My brother and SIL actually just flew out here for vacation together (they used to live here) - my brother and nephew stayed at my parent's house and SIL stayed with her best friend - we only saw her a couple times (and she flew back home a couple days early to allow my brother some vacation time alone with his son). My brother wasn't thrilled at first that she wanted to join them on vacation, but the way they did it turned out ok in the end. Everything is better for my nephew because he sees his parents in a healthier relationship (as opposed to the one they had when they were married).

It sounds like you're being very smart about things. Keep it up. Like everyone else has said, don't rush into a relationship with anyone. You need time to heal - you've had 2 serious relationships end in a relatively short time frame. You owe it to yourself and Bry to take some time out for you.

tafft1 · September 2010

The only relationship you should even be concerned about or care about is that of you and your child as of right now.

breezerb · September 2010

I'm Sorry Danie! *hugs* but you are a good mom and that's all that matters right now! If he can't understand that then he doesn't deserve you.

Elle1036 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_broke-off-engagement-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:76e1fad4-fe32-4dcd-8966-7e2a4dee9f43Post:f3a8beea-c5d8-40b4-bc78-7765d861b671">Broke off Engagement/ vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm back to square one, and I'm okay with it. My ex fiance could not understand that my son came first, even though he has a four year old daughter. Instead of being concerned when he is sick, its you have a fiance you needs you to. I will not for any man put them before my son. I'm very at peace with my decision. I took my son to his dad after his dr.s appointment today, and i explained everything to him. He agreed with me. I don't think i'm in the wrong. Do you ladies?
Posted by DanieMarie212[/QUOTE]

I'm a little late to this thread, and I haven't read all of what's been said by others, so I apologize if I'm repeating something that's already been said.

You asked if you are in the wrong. Though none of us know any details, all I can say is: if you made what you thought was the right decision for your son, then you did the right thing. End of story. Good for you.

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