XP: I need support... Non-traditional/Interfaith Ceremony

JodiAriel · March 2011

Is anyone else having a nontraditional or interfaith ceremony? I am Jewish and my FI is atheist. He has agreed to get married by a rabbi and have a modified ceremony but does not want to reference G-d in english (he is okay with the references in Hebrew). We are working hard on putting together a ceremony that works for both of us and for the rabbi. There is only one reconstructionist rabbi in the whole state of CT so that is who we are currently working with but the rabbi is pushing for the wording to be more religious than he is comfortable with. I am just stressed over trying to please everyone. I want the traditional Jewish aspects because I grew up learning prayers and would like them to be spoken at my wedding and I identify myself as Jewish. FI was raised Unitarian and as an adult became atheist. I am very comfortable honoring my FI's wishes but when we only have one rabbi to choose from I don't know how to make it work. I knew this would all be hard work but I just wish I knew someone else dealing with any of this.

Everyone is working on their programs and I am dying to get ours done and sent to VP for printing since we only have 56 (OMG!!) days left but we don't even have our ceremony set so I can't even start our programs!

So if anyone else is going the nontraditional or interfaith route I would love to hear your story, it would really make me feel better. Ok... freakout over. (mostly!)

Musicheals71 · March 2011

Have you tried the Interfaith Weddings Board?

jessicabessica · March 2011

Why are you set on having a Reconstructionist rabbi? Can you consider a Reform rabbi? We met with a lot of different rabbis and a cantor when we were trying to find someone, and we were considering Reform, Conservative, and unaffiliated (we are likely going to go with a cantor that has Conservative and Orthodox backgrounds but is currently the spiritual leader of an unaffiliated shul). Just because you identify as Reconstructionist (if you do) doesn't mean you must limit your rabbinical search so much.

Sorry if that's not at all helpful, I'm just a little confused about that point.

viewfromheaven05 · March 2011

I agree to check our other rabbis. We were married Jewish and my DH is not Jewish. However he is not athiest, he's agnostic. He was ok with the prayers as they were. I say go and just ask a reform rabbi if he'd be willing to do a ceremony the way you want OR stress to the rabbi what you spoke about and make it very clear to him you and your FI's wishes.

I understand it's hard to find a rabbi...we went through like 4 before we found one who would marry us. Or have your FI speak up...although if he's like my DH he never would have said anything to the Rabbi if he didnt speak to him first haha.

Hope that helped, a little at least. I know how frustrating it is. It might be time to be bridezilla-esque and tell the rabbi how you want it and thats that.

MrsMLRB · March 2011

The rabbi kind of has the final say when it comes down to it. If he doesn't feel comfortable with the service he can walk away. Many rabbis will not perform interfaith ceremonies or will not perform ceremonies on Saturday's (even if Shabbat has ended). Its kind of the way things have to go in order to have a rabbi officiate.

Maybe you could get a Jewish friend ordained who could do the religious parts and then omit the parts your FI is uncomfortable with.

2dBride · March 2011

We were in a similar situation. My wife is atheist, and I am Jewish. She was ok with references to G-d in the Hebrew, but not in the English. And our rabbi was fine with it--even complimented us on the interpretations we did of the seven blessings that preserved the intent without specifically mentioning G-d.

Unfortunately, you can't just use our ceremony, because all of the pronouns got changed to reflect the fact it was a same-sex wedding. However, you may find some of the interpretations useful in coming up with your own ceremony. Here is what we used, if that would be helpful.

But I agree with the others; you can only do what your rabbi will allow. So you either need to find something that works for him, or find another rabbi.

JodiAriel · March 2011

2dbride... we actually gave your ceremony to the rabbi as an example of what we wanted. Your ceremony had such a warm inclusive feel to it. What the rabbi came back with is much more religion directed and does not at all have that inclusive feel. I put out some feelers today to a cantor and a reform rabbi. The only reason we chose the reconstructionist rabbi is that I thought that he would be the only one who might be willing to marry us. We have several things working against us. The interfaith thing, atheism, we are getting married between Passover and Shavuot and also our wedding day is technically Holocaust Memorial day (it is observed the following day when it falls on a Sunday) but at this point I am willing to try anything to make this work for us.

jessicabessica · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_xp-need-support-non-traditionalinterfaith-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:8db87275-0ec1-4867-96ef-e65cac38ca93Post:48c919cc-cb5b-4196-834d-c8792912ffed">Re: XP: I need support... Non-traditional/Interfaith Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]2dbride... we actually gave your ceremony to the rabbi as an example of what we wanted. Your ceremony had such a warm inclusive feel to it. What the rabbi came back with is much more religion directed and does not at all have that inclusive feel. I put out some feelers today to a cantor and a reform rabbi. The only reason we chose the reconstructionist rabbi is that I thought that he would be the only one who might be willing to marry us. We have several things working against us. The interfaith thing, atheism, we are getting married between Passover and Shavuot and also our wedding day is technically Holocaust Memorial day (it is observed the following day when it falls on a Sunday) but at this point I am willing to try anything to make this work for us.
Posted by JodiAriel[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My understanding is that the Reform and Reconstructionist movements don't have a blanket policy about intermarriage, so it's up to individual rabbis. However, I'm not sure what the chances are that you will find another rabbi that will do the marriage on the date that you have selected. I think if you want to have a rabbi officiate, you really need to try to make it work with the Reconstructionist rabbi that is agreeable to all of the potential obstacles to finding a rabbi that you've listed. </div><div>
</div><div>What is it that you (or your FI) find objectionable about the service the rabbi wants to do? Could the rabbi do the shevah berachot in Hebrew, and then you could assign friends to stand up and read an English translation/interpretation of each one that you like?
</div>

tenofcups4me · March 2011

A couple of thoughts:

If the cantor and reform rabbi don't work out, have you considered going with a non-religious officiant who could incorporate the Jewish religious aspects you want but leave out the others? I've been to several interfaith weddings officiated by judges who really let the couple customize their ceremony. Not sure what your other options are in Connecticut, but that's a possibility.

Also, I know in some places there are basically "rent-a-rabbis" who are much more accustomed to working with interfaith couples. I just googled "Connecticut interfaith rabbis" and got a lot of hits -- obviously I don't know a thing about any of them, but it might be worth some phone calls. (Also, if you're in the part of the state near NY, there should be tons of rabbis that could do it for you.)

And I'm assuming you've been back in touch with the rabbi you started with to see how flexible he's willing to be?

I'm sorry - this must be incredibly stressful this close to the wedding!

And wow, Ciara, that's really rude.

2dBride · March 2011

You might want to check out InterfaithFamily.com. They have a referral service for interfaith couples looking for a rabbi or cantor to marry them.

Scarsdale18 · March 2011

We had ceremonies from a good friend who is a Reform Rabbi. In the end something has come up and he will be out of the country. We did not want to take a Rabbi that we didnt really have any connecting with so our two brothers are going to do the ceremony. FYI - according to the Jewish religion you do not need a Rabbi to marry you, but you do need to make sure you say the appropriate blessings.

Magdala9 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_xp-need-support-non-traditionalinterfaith-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:8db87275-0ec1-4867-96ef-e65cac38ca93Post:72a79062-f02b-4d80-b5d8-71b84d491bab">Re: XP: I need support... Non-traditional/Interfaith Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]We had ceremonies from a good friend who is a Reform Rabbi. In the end something has come up and he will be out of the country. We did not want to take a Rabbi that we didnt really have any connecting with so our two brothers are going to do the ceremony. FYI - according to the Jewish religion you do not need a Rabbi to marry you, but you do need to make sure you say the appropriate blessings.
Posted by Scarsdale18[/QUOTE]

<div>The religion does not require an officiant but the state does. You need to check out the laws in CT before you persue these. In general, CT has very fussy laws. It is possible to have a beautiful interfaith wedding. We did back in September. I am the non religious one and my DH is Jewish. We had the chuppah, the seven blessings (there are multiple variants), the breaking of the glass and the circling. Everything was double (double ring, double circling) because this is an equal match in all things. Like you, we spent a lot of time with the rabbi to craft our own very personalized ceremony. Despite many bumps and oddities (my MIL wore black and my grandmother was offended on my behalf), everything came together beautifully on the day of the wedding. </div>

2dBride · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_xp-need-support-non-traditionalinterfaith-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:8db87275-0ec1-4867-96ef-e65cac38ca93Post:f0aca9d4-bfe7-47ed-8b33-dda5ea8ab8a6">Re: XP: I need support... Non-traditional/Interfaith Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP: I need support... Non-traditional/Interfaith Ceremony : The religion does not require an officiant but the state does. You need to check out the laws in CT before you persue these. In general, CT has very fussy laws. It is possible to have a beautiful interfaith wedding. We did back in September. I am the non religious one and my DH is Jewish. We had the chuppah, the seven blessings (there are multiple variants), the breaking of the glass and the circling. Everything was double (double ring, double circling) because this is an equal match in all things. Like you, we spent a lot of time with the rabbi to craft our own very personalized ceremony. Despite many bumps and oddities (my MIL wore black and my grandmother was offended on my behalf), everything came together beautifully on the day of the wedding.
Posted by Magdala9[/QUOTE]I would just reinforce this. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/05/fashion/05marry.html" target="_blank">Connecticut is one of the states that does not recognize the validity of any marriage performed by an Internet-ordained minister</a>. Thus, if you want to have someone other than a minister/rabbi/cantor/judge perform the wedding, you really need to have at least a brief civil ceremony for paperwork purposes, or you could find out decades down the line that you are not legally married.

@<a href="http://community.theknot.com/cs/ks/user/default.aspx?membershipid=8278227312624675&plckUserId=8278227312624675" target="_blank" class="username_knot">Scarsdale18 </a>: In New York, the status of marriages performed by Internet-ordained ministers is currently unsettled. New York City will not issue a license to an Internet-ordained minister to perform marriages in the city, and <a href="http://www.ulcseminary.org/forum/uploads/RubinovCityofNewYork.pdf" target="_blank">that position was upheld in the one court case to consider the issue</a>. <a href="http://www.ulcseminary.org/forum/uploads/RanierivRanieri.pdf" target="_blank">And at least one marriage has been annulled on the basis that the wedding was performed by an Internet-ordained minister</a>. Unfortunately, when a marriage is found invalid for that reason, it is not done immediately (when it could be fixed by having a legal ceremony), but only when the status of the marriage is at issue for some reason such as death, divorce, or bankruptcy, at which point it is typically too late to fix the issue.

LBRM_NJ · March 2011

I just went back and re-read your original post. Your wedding is in 50-something days????? I'm sorry if it's not going to be what you want, but, I think, at this point, you need to bite the bullet and accept what this rabbi wants or you are going to be stuck without a rabbi. Today, there are many rabbis who will accept almost anything, however, I think finding a rabbi to marry you between Pesach and Shavuot is going to be VERY difficult. If you have one who will, you need to stick with him.

This may sound harsh, but, you say you want a jewish wedding. I think you are going to have to make some concessions at this point.

ciaraman · March 2011

I want to apologize...I just came across a very rude post on this thread under my name that I did NOT make. I hope I didn't offend anyone and I'm terribly sorry if I did. I don't know what happened.

eks36 · March 2011

My fiancé is Jewish (Reform), I was raised Protestant (but I'm pretty much a whatever-you-want-to-believe-you-should-be-allowed-to-believe type of person) and we plan to have a Jewish household.

We decided to have a friend of ours (who is ordained) marry us in a ceremony that will mostly follow Jewish tradition, but that will be a bit more bilingual, especially since, strangely enough, so many of our guests aren't Jewish. We have decided, for example, that for the Seven Blessings, his parents will read the Hebrew and then my parents will read an English interpretation of them. That way both sets of parents are involved in the ceremony itself, in addition to walking us down the aisle.

In case you're wondering, I'm at the position where I don't feel ready to convert, but I'm not closed off from the idea of doing so in the future. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that currently we don't have a community (we're both in grad school and in separate cities) to which we belong. It's hard to really consider and prepare for conversion without one!

JodiAriel · March 2011

We ended up finding a reform rabbi through the interfaith family network who was willing to work with us, not make us jump through hoops. So we will be having a mostly Jewish ceremony without using the word G-d in english. In CT you can not have anyone marry you it has to be a member of clergy or a JOP so that route was out. We are very happy with what worked out for us and I appreciate the advice I received from all of you.

XP: I need support... Non-traditional/Interfaith Ceremony

Re: XP: I need support... Non-traditional/Interfaith Ceremony

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