MOH Issues...

mnt2bonstg · February 2012

Hey guys,

So I really would like my older sister Hannah to be my maid of honor because family is very important to me and I do want a really good relationship with my sister. She and I have had a rocky relationship these past few years, especially dealing with her moving out of my parents' house and the stress that came along with my mother being diagnosed with cancer, but we have made leaps and bounds and have gotten much closer since then. A few of my family members feel that I shouldn't be getting married so soon, including my older sister. She is constantly making side comments about it and trying to persuade me to change my mind to change our date. On top of this, she hasn't been very excited whatsoever about wedding planning or anything like that. For example, I've been trying to invite her to Bridal Shows with me but every time she either stands me up or comes up with some excuse not to go. I understand that people's lives don't revolve around my wedding, and trust me, I don't want it to be like that at all. I guess the biggest thing is that I really want her to be happy for me, and for us to share this special moment together but it doesn't seem like she's making an effort to do either. It's just tough, cuz I really want our relationship to work...maybe I'm being childish and overreacting. I just needed to get that out I guess.

LittleMissCutiePie · February 2012

Unfortunately you can't force anyone to have any emotions about your wedding. Some people could not care less about weddings, whether it's for a family member or not. It sucks, but that's the truth. Your sister sounds like she doesn't want to be involved with your wedding, because she unfortunately doesn't support it. I feel bad for you, I do, but the honest truth is that she doesn't support your marriage, and as crappy as it seems, this is not something you can change. Only you can say whether or not to include her, but from my perspective, I don't think you should ask her. You want your MOH to be someone to support you 100%, and your sis doesn't fit that bill. A wedding may not fix your relationship, sometimes the drama of a wedding can ruin relationships that are already just fine.

Oh, and just a sidenote, a MOH should not be measured by her willingness to help or be excited. She should be who you are closest to, and who you know will be there for you no matter what.

mnt2bonstg · February 2012

Thanks LittleMissCutie. Yah, I know that an MOH is defined by someone that I'm closest to, and I guess I thought that was my sister since I don't really have that many "girl" friends. You do, however, expect an MOH to at least be happy for you; she may not agree with all the decisions you make and respectfully so, but the least she can do is be happy for you.

kaitlyn&henry · February 2012

You do not have to have an MOH if you do not feel you are close enough to anyone. To me it sounds like you shouldnt have asked her if your relationship is still getting worked out. But all you can do now is lower your expectations of her and continue working on your relationship.

I got married when I was 21 and i had countless people tell me i was too young and to wait. I got through it by knowing I am very mature for my age and took the vows and the responsibility very seriously...plus i know my relationship better than anyone else ever could. Just know in your heart its your decision and try not to let it bother you.

graysquirrel · February 2012

If your sister is not supportive of your relationship, then I can see where it would be hard. I can see from your ticker that you still have 13 mo to go, and you said that your relationship with your sister has been improving. My advice is to wait to ask her, or any BM. BMs dont need to do anything besides order a dress, which is usually done around the 6 mo mark. Wait a while and keep working on your relationship with your sister. Maybe she will see over time the good things that you see in your FI. By waiting you have a better chance of making a good decision.

zitiqueen · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-issues-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7a4f3e87-9de5-4049-bb3a-a7285e842881Post:315e4e32-e916-45d7-81ba-d40a23f3d662">Re: MOH Issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks LittleMissCutie. Yah, I know that an MOH is defined by someone that I'm closest to, and I guess I thought that was my sister since I don't really have that many "girl" friends. You do, however, expect an MOH to at least be happy for you; she may not agree with all the decisions you make and respectfully so, but the least she can do is be happy for you.
Posted by mnt2bonstg[/QUOTE]

Why would you expect somebody you admit you have a rocky relationship with to suddenly change their entire personality just because you're getting married?

jemmini6 · February 2012

You have a rocky relationship and she doesn't agree with you getting married now, so why would you expect her to be happy and excited for you? The news of a wedding doesn't automatically flip a switch in people and cause them to jump for joy.

I'm not saying it's not okay to be disappointed that she's not happy for you, but you know that's how it is, so you shouldn't be surprised when she doesn't want to do wedding things.

Your wedding is still a ways away. You should focus on continuing to improve your relationship with your sister for now and leave your wedding completely out of it. As the relationship between the two of you improves, hopefully she'll come around to the idea of you getting married, but for now, you can't expect things to change over night.

LittleMissCutiePie · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-issues-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7a4f3e87-9de5-4049-bb3a-a7285e842881Post:03983608-ebd9-4d35-96fe-3a292f511c15">Re: MOH Issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Issues... : Why would you expect somebody you admit you have a rocky relationship with to suddenly change their entire personality just because you're getting married?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

THIS!!!!

JamiesonCampbell · February 2012

I think you need someone to at least support you.. they may not be overly excited even though it would be nice.

My sister is my MOH and honestly she doesn't get excited about anything! I have asked her opinions on certain choices and i all i get is an "i dunno" answer.

But i asked her because i know although she may not be as excited as i am i know she supports me and she supports my relationship. My FI has had some issues in the past (and present) which makes my parents not his biggest fans but my sister has never judged him and sees how happy i am with him.

I think you should wait and see if she becomes more accepting of the fact that you're getting married and if not find someone who is.

OliveOilsMom · February 2012

Based on your relationship with your sister right now, I would not ask her to be a BM or MOH. Continue to work on your relationship with her and re-evaluate in about 8 months or so. If she hasn't changed her attitude about your marriage, then I wouldn't ask her to be either. If you want her involved in the ceremony, ask her to do a reading.

Also, don't ask anyone else to be in your bridal party until you make a decision about your sister. The last thing you would want is to ask a friend now to be a BM, then 8 months later you ask your sister. It will make it seem like she is an after thought.

mbody · February 2012

If you don't have a great relationship with your sister, then don't ask her to be the MOH. You shouldn't use the MOH role as a way to force the relationship. You don't have to have a MOH.

JamiesonCampbell · February 2012

I think planning a wedding can be stressful. You need someone who will help you and calm you down that's what i mean be support. Saying that if you need support you are going about planning wrong is a bit of a stretch.

Her sister by making snide comments about her wedding is saying she doesn't agree with the wedding which is another form of support

Not every fiancee wants to hear about every detail about the wedding and although talking to strangers on the internet is nicve to bounce ideas off of it is nice to have a live person whom you are close to, to actually do these things with.

mnt2bonstg · February 2012

Thanks guys.

DeWittBride · February 2012

I totally understand. I had a problem similar to that. I really wanted to a friend to be in my wedding party but she was not into it. She made similar comments about my choices and disapproving remarks about my marriage. She was one of my best friends and I was terribly hurt.

You want to feel comforable and happy at your wedding. You should surrond yourself with positive people that are there to celebrate your happiness.

I still invited her to the wedding but she's not in my bridal party.

I relized she was unhappy in her own life, so she was unable to be happy for me.

JamiesonCampbell · February 2012

so you're saying that if family is stressing you out you should x family off your list?

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