Do You Ever Wanna Smack Some Sense In To People? (NWR Vent)

adktd2boots · February 2012

I do. All the time. One of my friends, who I have been debating having as a BM, has not worked for almost 3 years. She is a teacher and she was laid off due to budget cuts. In that time she had twin boys, so she now has 3 kids. Last year her family lost their house and they've been living with her parents since April.

As I've said before, I live in a place where there are at least 10 jobs for every person. People from all over the US are here to work. Her husband really wants to move here as he can easily find a job. I've given her 3 options for teaching jobs so far, and it's still early in the year for that sort of thing, so there will be more to come.

Today I gave her an application for a new apartment complex going in here and she said to me "well I'm going to take a test to see if I can teach science." The test in in JULY. I'm pretty sure that's late in the year to find a job. I have a feeling she will not find a teaching job where she is living and she'll lose her opportunity here. I've told her she doesn't have to live here forever, just get their shitt back together and get back on their feet, then move back home.

I know other people's money is none of my business. She's one of my good friends, but when I try to talk sense in to her, I'm the bad guy and she gets offended. It makes me mad when she can't come visit me when I go 1700 miles to be in CA, and she cant afford gas money, yet they went on a frivolous trip the month before. I don't think she and her husband will ever get out of debt and that makes me sad for them.

I've debated having her as a BM for the fact above. How do I know she'll be able to attend the wedding a buy a dress? UGH!

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

I have a friend like this too! She is one of my BM and almost missed buying the dress but fortunately found the last store selling it on clearance. Would have been pissed. Thing is you can ask and then buying the dress is her responsibility. That and showing up are the ONLY real BM jobs. If she accepts and then doesn't buy the dress, just accept it as her BM resignation.

Unfortunately we can't help people who don't want to help themselves. My friend who is like yours got pregnant at 18 (father not involved in her daughter's life). She's almost 24 and just finished school but lives at home and has acquired so much debt. Part of her debt is because she found it absolutely imperative to get a boob job! Mind you, had she waited another year for it, her dad would have paid for it in full but instead she took a loan out, making her and her daughter's future harder. On top of it she dates horrible and sexually abusive men. The one she is dating now is about to have an expired student visa. He wouldn't call her his girlfriend ever (even to this day) but now all of a sudden he wants to marry her. How convenient for him. Somedays I want to take her daughter away so she has a fighting chance. Every one of her friends and even FI has tried to talk sense into her (figure he would give a guy's perspective) and she just makes excuses. It's heartbreaking. I'll tell you what though, even if they marry, that man will not be invited to our wedding and I'd love him to try to show up. FI and FFIL own a lot of guns.

romamor4 · February 2012

I feel you!! My FI is actually in a similiar boat as far as unemployment. Though he doesn't have much opportunity to try and make things work. He's played around with ideas of inventing stuff, thinking he will become a millionaire. In the end, he has a house to pay for and now we're getting married so I had asked myself, what gives?! Just get a freakin job, for goodness sakes! It doesn't matter when where or how, just do it! You're going to get nowhere fast if you wait for the right opportunity in this economy. Well, after three years of being unemployed, my FI finally figured it out. Now he's teaching part-time at the college I work at and FINALLY doing something productive. I've had to ground him so many times from investing his energy in stuff thats wishful thinking while trying to be supportive at the same time. It's exhausting!

I'd say, if you really want her in your wedding party, ask her to be in it. If she can afford it, she will say yes. If she can't, she will say no. Put it on her. It's her responsibility. I had one of my best friends in the world commit to being in my first wedding. I told her it was in Italy, etc. etc. She said fine to it. After she had bought the dress, etc. she backed out and said she coudln't afford to go. She was very upset and I felt terrible that she had already bought a dress, but hey...she just didn't realize how much the cost was even though we had gone over it before. Yes, I was upset. But it didn't change much. She's actually in the wedding now, which makes me happy. So, if you really want her in it, then ask her. In the end, it's on her if she can't afford it. But remember not to let it bother you if something happens. That's my two cents.

jessa1228 · February 2012

My boss reminds me a lot of your friend. She has no idea how to prioritize her finances. She makes about $32,000 a year, and most of that she spends on food, jewelry, and frivolous things from QVC. She rents a tiny apartment on the second floor of a house an hour away from where we work because it's the cheapest place she can find. Her live-in boyfriend of 3 years pays the rent, and that's the only reason she's still with him (she freely admits this). She just bought a new car, and took out a hefty loan with a sky-high interest rate (because her credit sucks, what a surprise) to pay for it.

She constantly complains to us at work about how she doesn't have any money, but then she'll turn around and tell us she bought another 3 beads for her Pandora bracelets (yes that's plural). Many of us have told her over and over that she needs to reevaluate her spending habits, but she doesn't listen. She just gets hyper-defensive.

The point is that you can say whatever you want to them until you're blue in the face, but they aren't going to change unless THEY want to. If you really want her to be a BM, by all means ask her. If she can't afford the dress, offer to help her out if it's within your means to do so.

adktd2boots · February 2012

My guidelines for a dress are pretty simple. Brown or mocha, Preferrably tea/knee length, preferrably not taffeta. I don't care if it's $20 from Ross or $200 from a bridal shop. I hope she can handle that.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

I would hope so too. I'd ask her and mention that.

romamor4 · February 2012

She might even be able to use something she has in her closet! You never know!

BMcLeodTeam · February 2012

That sounds like a pretty easy one to find, I hope that makes it easy enough for it to work for her

CowgirlK39 · February 2012

Girl, I hear ya! I got my friend Joe a job on the farm I work at. He literally thinks he owns the place. He works another full time job which is very high-paying, but he has angered them because he comes in smelling like manure. When they wrote him up for it and repeatedly warned him, he said they were "being mean" and now intends to quit and only work on the farm. He just bought a brand new $30k truck and now instead of working 80 hours a week (I kid you not, thats how much he does between the two jobs), he will barely be getting 30 for way less pay. Both myself and the farm owners have tried to convince him not to do it, but somehow, in his messed up mind, he thinks he will not only be seen as "truely country" but also thinks he will literally run the farm! He bosses me around constantly even though I have worked at the farm MUCH longer than he has. He just thinks he is God's gift to the place!

As for your friend, I would avoid the stress and not make her a BM. I see it this way; Even if she does get the dress and make the wedding, with the way she is going do you think you will remain friends with her? If it seems like a risk that she will even be able to attend due to her poor money choices, I wouldn't even put the stress on yourself to be able to count her as a BM. If she aggrivates you now because of her life choices, imagine trying to get her to get her crap together in time for the wedding. Just MHO.

Do You Ever Wanna Smack Some Sense In To People? (NWR Vent)

Re: Do You Ever Wanna Smack Some Sense In To People? (NWR Vent)

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