Behavior question

Zimsgirl · August 2011

Anyone notice their FI or husband is more short tempered and/or snaps more after training or a deployment? Mine did when he got back from basic. I talked to him about it and he apologize he said he's used to the atmosphere of guys being like that. He's doing it even more now post deployment and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. Lately I feel like I can't do anything right and I feel like he snaps more. What should I do?

calindi · August 2011

If he won't go see a therapist, you should. My FI gets stressed at the beginning of each semester, around finals, and when he's leaving or getting back from something (like this summer internship when he was gone for 3 months). So regularly! And yes, he's short and snaps at me. We've talked about it when he's calm, because I can't reason with him when he's in one of those moods. We have some 'safe words' we can use that don't irritate him, like I can't say, "Don't yell at me!" Because then he'll respond that he wasn't yelling, and we'll both get defensive. What I say now depends on the situation. If he's being inappropriate, talking to me like he's ordering me to do something (I am not a subordinate, buddy), then I calmly/jokingly say, "Do you want to try that again, like you're talking to your spouse and not a Lance Corporal?" And he usually lightens up. Or I'll say, "Please say that again." And he'll realize that he said it wrong, and will usually apologize and try again.

He got really bad about a year ago, and I asked him to see a therapist to figure out whatever was going on in his head because I didn't deserve to be spoken to like that (just snappy and grumpy all the time). It really, really, REALLY helped! He still goes every month or so as a "check-up", just to get ahead of any problems before they grow.

He does it with me, too. When it's 'that time of the month', sometimes he'll say, "Is it cupcake time?" Because when I'm cranky, he'll buy me cupcakes on his way home from school to cheer me up. It's just a sweet and silly way to ask if I'm being ridiculous because I'm hormonal, and a lot better than when a guy says, "Are you getting your period?" which makes me want to hit them (especially if I am!) But when a man offers sweets, then you can't argue with that!

Victoria2013 · August 2011

Mine did after his deployment. We talked about it significantly. Basically what was going on with him was he was use to his days being the same every day and being constantly filled with either work or the little bit there is to do over there. When he came home that pattern changed a lot and he didn't know what to do with himself.

When I went through basic and what they tell you before/after basic is that is meant to break you down and rebuild you into the airman/soldier/marine/seaman that they want you to become. You are programed to act, eat and think a certain way; then you leave and you have to "intergrate" back into the "real world".

Talk to him and see if he will open up and talk about it. Although honestly I don't really remember the first 4 weeks of basic training. Good luck and I hope ya'll get pass this sooner rather than later!

iluvmytxrgr · August 2011

Consider the atmosphere he's been in. It's mostly dudes and high stress levels. When something needs to be done, you are short and to the point. You don't spare feelings or ask politely. That was his normal. Having to worry about your feelings is not normal for him right now and he needs time to get back to that. When he's snippy, tell him. Let him know so he can see what he's doing.
Give him some space. When my H comes home, he wants to be with us but sometimes has to go outside or go walk around the hardware store by himself for a few minutes. He gets antsy because it's either too crazy in our house or it's too quiet.
MH's deployments are shorter trips. After a few weeks, he's good to go and back into a home routine. If your guy deploys for longer amounts of time, it will take longer. Plus, didn't your guy get injured? That reintegration was our hardest. He felt guilty for having to come home while everyone else was still there. He had to rely on me to do so much for him. I had to bathe him, dress him and more. It made him feel like less of a man and guilty because I had to do those things. He also lost one of his best friends over there two months after he got shot. He was really snippy sometimes.
I asked him to do us both a favor and go talk to the Chaplain. He did and things got better from there. Just getting things of his chest helped. Don't try to get him to talk to you about those things. Encourage him to talk to a Chaplain or someone he trusts. Things will get better.

Zimsgirl · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_behavior-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:09136204-6e39-4121-9a77-607180738f64Post:95901877-2a4e-43aa-acd0-131686058945">Re: Behavior question</a>:
[QUOTE]Consider the atmosphere he's been in. It's mostly dudes and high stress levels. When something needs to be done, you are short and to the point. You don't spare feelings or ask politely. That was his normal. Having to worry about your feelings is not normal for him right now and he needs time to get back to that. When he's snippy, tell him. Let him know so he can see what he's doing. Give him some space. When my H comes home, he wants to be with us but sometimes has to go outside or go walk around the hardware store by himself for a few minutes. He gets antsy because it's either too crazy in our house or it's too quiet. MH's deployments are shorter trips. After a few weeks, he's good to go and back into a home routine. If your guy deploys for longer amounts of time, it will take longer. Plus, didn't your guy get injured? That reintegration was our hardest. He felt guilty for having to come home while everyone else was still there. He had to rely on me to do so much for him. I had to bathe him, dress him and more. It made him feel like less of a man and guilty because I had to do those things. He also lost one of his best friends over there two months after he got shot. He was really snippy sometimes. I asked him to do us both a favor and go talk to the Chaplain. He did and things got better from there. Just getting things of his chest helped. Don't try to get him to talk to you about those things. Encourage him to talk to a Chaplain or someone he trusts. Things will get better.
Posted by iluvmytxrgr[/QUOTE]
Yeah he did get hurt and it's been hard. It's hard because when he snaps I'm like you don't have to snap at me and get defensive. It's hard not to when you feel like someone's snapping on you but I know it doesn't help because we usually get in an argument after that.

calindi · August 2011

Katelyn, he may have PTSD from his injury. I remember seeing an article on the incident (yes, I figured out your FI's name, but I won't publish or share, promise) and I can imagine it's quite difficult to get past an injury in the field like that. He should talk to someone if he hasn't already.

Best of luck!

Zimsgirl · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_behavior-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:09136204-6e39-4121-9a77-607180738f64Post:d9631996-b490-4eda-9523-9bb0b37730fa">Re: Behavior question</a>:
[QUOTE]Katelyn, he may have PTSD from his injury. I remember seeing an article on the incident (yes, I figured out your FI's name, but I won't publish or share, promise) and I can imagine it's quite difficult to get past an injury in the field like that. He should talk to someone if he hasn't already. Best of luck!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
Thanks and he's doing better and so are the other guys in the accident so that helps. He doesn't wanna talk to anyone really but he talks to me sometimes about it.

calindi · August 2011

I totally understand... Or rather, I can't possibly understand, so I respect that he has to deal with it in his own way. Just keep encouraging him to talk about it when he feels like it, and to see a therapist if he would be willing. I have had PTSD, and my I know that it can mean compartmentalizing something really icky that you don't want to deal with, but then sometimes it festers and gets Infected, you know? So therapy and talking about it suck, but it's like tearing off the scab of an infected wound. It hurts each time you do it, but it's necessary to clean it out thoroughly. Each time hurts a little bit less until it isn't infected anymore, just a small scar to carry around. Maybe that's an analogy he'd relate to? It's what my therapist told me when I was initially hesitant to talk about the stuff that led to PTSD.

Zimsgirl · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_behavior-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:09136204-6e39-4121-9a77-607180738f64Post:9d1526bf-9fdf-4639-a2ec-cb71266383f2">Re: Behavior question</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally understand... Or rather, I can't possibly understand, so I respect that he has to deal with it in his own way. Just keep encouraging him to talk about it when he feels like it, and to see a therapist if he would be willing. I have had PTSD, and my I know that it can mean compartmentalizing something really icky that you don't want to deal with, but then sometimes it festers and gets Infected, you know? So therapy and talking about it suck, but it's like tearing off the scab of an infected wound. It hurts each time you do it, but it's necessary to clean it out thoroughly. Each time hurts a little bit less until it isn't infected anymore, just a small scar to carry around. Maybe that's an analogy he'd relate to? It's what my therapist told me when I was initially hesitant to talk about the stuff that led to PTSD.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
Yeah I understand too. I didn't wanna talk about what happened to me that still causes me problems (dreams, feel like I see him, etc.)

amh04 · August 2011

My FI has done two deployments. Unfortunately he isn't the same FI I meet. He's a little bit shorter tempered now, things that didn't bother him before now bother him. He's gotten a lot better about it, and tries really hard not to anymore. But I would recommend just talking about it. If it's really bad then going to see a therapist.

iluvmytxrgr · August 2011

K, When the guys got back after J got hurt, I invited several of them over for dinner. We had a great dinner. J lit a fire in the back yard. They all went outside around the fire and I left them alone. After a few beers, they all started talking about work like usuall. At some point, the talk turned to the fire fight when J got shot. It was like a big pow wow, therepy session for all of them. After all the guys left, he came in and hugged me and said thanks for letting him have that time with them. After that is when he decided talking to the Chaplain was a good thing.
Look into doing something similar for your guy, if he won't go talk to a professional. It may help him feel a little more normal. We are supposed to be these big, bad warriors. When something shakes us, we feel weak. We feel like we aren't as tough as we thought we were. Hearing from other people that they have felt the same way makes us see that we aren't as weak feel.
If it gets to a point where you are worried about his safety or your own, talk to someone. Talk to one of his friends or the Chaplain. Ask them to go to him with out telling him you sent them. Maybe having them open the door of communication will help him feel more comfortable because he didn't seek them out.

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