Fiance double standard - vent

treneeb · June 2012

My fiance went to his bachelor party last week. Him and 12 or so guys rented a couple rooms at a hotel, got COMPLETELY wasted, wandered around the hotel and a nearby restaurant to watch a UFC fight, and partied late at the connected casino.
Today one of my bridesmaids contacted me asking if I was free for a bachelorette party on Thursday. So far the plan sounds like dinner, visit a comedy club, and some drinks afterwards. No strippers, no crazy penis parties or body shots, or anything.
Fiance flips out today and tells me that he doesn't trust me or my friends. He thinks that they are going to push me into something or that a drunk guy is gonna grab me or something.
To clarify - I don't ever go out partying, the girls that are planning it with are pretty tame. None of us are partiers or into loose nights with strangers. Both girls are in a solid long term relationship with their men. Not to mention that for half of the night my underage brother would be hanging out with us.

Is it just me or is this totally a double standard? I'm hurt and upset that he trusts me so little. I'm angry that he is going to start our marriage with this act of distrust. I just don't even know what to do or say.
He doesn't see anything at all wrong with his position, he can't even comprehend why I would be upset that he did this.
Btw, we have both always been completely against strippers and the like so I was kinda blindsided by his reaction.

Sorry it was long.

JenGin74 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fiance-double-standard-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:751319b2-338a-4862-9b56-9fdd63b1d740Post:e644d793-02eb-4f06-8475-a4ae5d040fb0">Re: Fiance double standard - vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Fiance double standard - vent : So the expectations are different for you than for him? Yeah, that's not OK. To be totally honest, it would make me wonder what happened at the bachelor party. Has he always been like this?
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

Also, it makes me wonder if he always tells OP what she can or cannot do. Eff that.

Lenore2010 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fiance-double-standard-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:751319b2-338a-4862-9b56-9fdd63b1d740Post:143ffc49-e0a5-4ef0-be55-761931e5413d">Re: Fiance double standard - vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance double standard - vent : Agreed. Also, it makes me wonder if he always tells OP what she can or cannot do. Eff that.
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto this, big time. If he usually a control freak? This seems like a classic example of that, and if it unusual behavior you need to find out what's going with him. If it is typical behavior, particularly if he finds problems with you seeing friends you need to address that and think twice about what you are doing here.</div><div>
</div><div>I know that sounds like an over reaction to a disagreement, but from what you are saying here I see at the very least a bright pink flag. Pay attention.</div>

AdeleDazeem · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fiance-double-standard-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:751319b2-338a-4862-9b56-9fdd63b1d740Post:143ffc49-e0a5-4ef0-be55-761931e5413d">Re: Fiance double standard - vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance double standard - vent : Agreed. Also, it makes me wonder if he always tells OP what she can or cannot do. Eff that.
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]

I can't imagine my husband ever saying I couldn't do something or trying to control what I do out with my friends. That type of behavior is abnormal and I think your problems, OP, go beyond a bachelorette party.

chelseamb11 · June 2012

I agree with everything said so far. Is this something he normally does? Either way, it's concerning. I am hoping this isn't a preview of how he will treat you once you are married. Regardless of how often he does this, you should address it with him, even if it means just sitting down one evening and letting him know how you feel. If you want to have that kind of bachelorette party that your friend recommended, then go for it. You're not doing anything illegal or against him. Don't let him control you.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

I'd ask him what actually happened at his bach party that has him so worried about yours. Unless he's always been this controlling, in which case I think you have bigger problems than just this.

brilibby4 · June 2012

Yeah, I would not be okay with my fiance telling me I couldn't have a b party. It sounds like you have never given him a reason to not trust him and his reaction doesn't make much sense.

I really think you should sit down with him and talk about this. Remind him that you love him and would never do anything out of line on a night out. If he still doesn't want you to go then I think you have bigger issues than missing out on a night with friends.

SarahPLiz · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fiance-double-standard-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:751319b2-338a-4862-9b56-9fdd63b1d740Post:7756c927-ab5a-437d-b5a9-8db4490edce1">Re: Fiance double standard - vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd ask him what actually happened at his bach party that has him so worried about yours. Unless he's always been this controlling, in which case I think you have bigger problems than just this.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
So much this. My ex cheated on me every day, but acted like I was the one doing something wrong. He was projecting. Lots of people do this, and its not ok. Call him on it.

Starmusica · June 2012

this just sets off MASSIVE alarm bells for me. Is he usually controlling? Does he often dictate what you can and cannot do?

NuggetBrain · June 2012

I'm with everyone else that's wondering what exactly happened at his bachelor party. Because dude is DEFINATELY projecting. Unless he's done this before, in which case why the hell are you marrying someone who tries to tell you what you can and cannot do?

LP11509 · June 2012

I agree with PPs. Is he normally this controlling? No way would I marry anyone who told me I can't go out with my friends. Eff that shiitt.

cwaggoner07 · June 2012

I probably won't say what hasn't already been said, but that's just flat out not ok. Definitely have a calm conversation about it. Don't accuse, and don't come into the converstion acting righteous. Just ask honest questions and don't get upset, because if you get upset, he will likely get defensive real fast instead of opening up.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

This would definitely NOT be OK with me. I would never let H tell me what I could or could not do. I would be concerned about this type of behavior if it's the first time, and if it's repetitive, are you really OK with him controlling you like this for the rest of your life? That would be a deal-breaker for me. I also wonder exactly what went down at his bach party that he is so concerned about yours.

Athsea · June 2012

He flat out said he doesn't trust you? Can you really enter into a marriage knowing your partner doesn't have faith in your ability to live up to your vows? That's no way to start a marriage. Unless you've given him an extremely good reason not to trust you, and none of the information you provided suggests you have, you should think long and hard about the kind of life you're signing up for if you have to constantly walk on eggshells to prove your fidelity.

Lenore2010 · June 2012

Gotta say, I LOVE the responces on this. I LOVE that women "get it" now. When I go back to say 1985, believe it or not even in my over educated, mostly "liberal" circles, I doubt you would have gotten the same responce from so many people. Very cool.

fluttaby32 · June 2012

I agree with PPs, but I gotta say, penis parties? Very funny.

michellesean · June 2012

Yeah, I think everybody feels the same way. Before you jump down his throat, be calm and open and start a discussion (without accusing him of anything). It usually helps me if I write down some important points first as I'm not really good with confrontation. Good luck!

[Deleted User] · June 2012

to be honest my first thought (besides that he's being controlling which is obvious) is wtf happened at the bachelor party? they say that the guilty ones are the first to accuse others...

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