Sibling Rivalry

mia78 · November 2012

I have been engaged for a year and our upcoming nuptials take place in the summer. My older sister recently announced she is engaged yet no one knew she was dating anyone including me. I asked her to not get married next year being that I am and it will be both her and F 2nd marriage. Recently, she asked me to be in her wedding party and is attempting to get married early next year. Do I have a right to be angry? Does that make me the terrible sister?

mandi195 · November 2012

Get over it. You get ONE day, and that's it. It doesn't atter that it's her and FI's second wedding. As someone engaged to be married for the second time, that's borderline offensive to say that because it's not her first wedding it's not as important.
To answer your questions specifically, NO, you have no right to be angry. And I don't know about "terrible", but it does make you a selfish, demanding, unsupportive and bratty sister.

GBCK · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:d4dd4119-f458-4596-8fe2-5d9999c5854b">Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been engaged for a year and our upcoming nuptials take place in the summer. My older sister recently announced she is engaged yet no one knew she was dating anyone including me. I asked her to not get married next year being that I am and it will be both her and F 2nd marriage. Recently, she asked me to be in her wedding party and is attempting to get married early next year. Do I have a right to be angry? Does that make me the terrible sister?
Posted by mia78[/QUOTE]

<div>So she should put her life on hold (because really, a marriage is about building a life together. The wedding is just a party that marks the beginning of that marraige) and not get married because you are?<div>
</div><div>Yeah, demanding that would be incredibly unreasonable and, yeah, would make you a terrible sister.</div></div>

dharmabunny · November 2012

In Response to Re:Sibling Rivalry:[QUOTE]In Response to Sibling Rivalry: Yeah, demanding that would be incredibly unreasonable and, yeah, would make you a terrible sister. Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

Yep, pretty much.

mia78 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:1b438392-6ad0-483a-a944-e440451b854b">Re: Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]Get over it. You get ONE day, and that's it. It doesn't atter that it's her and FI's second wedding. As someone engaged to be married for the second time, that's borderline offensive to say that because it's not her first wedding it's not as important. To answer your questions specifically, NO, you have no right to be angry. And I don't know about "terrible", but it does make you a selfish, demanding, unsupportive and bratty sister.
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

<div>Even though she secretly dated this man for a few months then announces to her family that they are engaged. This was sudden and now she is quickly planning to get married. What is the rush, especially since they have not dated enough to really know each other. btw I am far from selfish, demanding & bratty, I am not a materialistic person and selfless anyone that knows me can attest to that.</div>

jojobrn · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:5bcb0bb0-8923-43aa-a21e-118e0f4d0e68">Re: Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Rivalry : Even though she secretly dated this man for a few months then announces to her family that they are engaged. This was sudden and now she is quickly planning to get married. What is the rush, especially since they have not dated enough to really know each other. btw I am far from selfish, demanding & bratty, I am not a materialistic person and selfless anyone that knows me can attest to that.
Posted by mia78[/QUOTE]

<div>Perhaps she secretly dated this person because she didn't want your judgement? And honestly, you cannot judge how well she knows him, I knew within a month my husband was THE ONE OMG and we were engaged within 5 months. Move on, plan your one day party and smile for your sister.</div>

mia78 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:6527a51e-5ddd-4a55-a8ec-4f848bafa46d">Re: Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Rivalry : Perhaps she secretly dated this person because she didn't want your judgement? And honestly, you cannot judge how well she knows him, I knew within a month my husband was THE ONE OMG and we were engaged within 5 months. Move on, plan your one day party and smile for your sister.
Posted by jojobrn[/QUOTE]

<div>She didn't tell anyone bc he is still married to someone else</div>

tawillers · November 2012

So she's planning to get married in the next 2-5 months to a man who is still legally married to someone else? And you think it's going to happen?

The above questions don't really matter. You're upset and jealous (yes, you are) that she might be getting married before you and you don't think it's fair because you've been with your FI longer than she's been with hers. Arms crossed, harumph.

Really, you have to get over it. Worry about your own wedding and marriage. What does it matter if she (maybe) gets married before you (again)? Does that have any impact on your own marriage?

mandi195 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:5bcb0bb0-8923-43aa-a21e-118e0f4d0e68">Re: Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Rivalry : Even though she secretly dated this man for a few months then announces to her family that they are engaged. This was sudden and now she is quickly planning to get married. What is the rush, especially since they have not dated enough to really know each other. btw I am far from selfish, demanding & bratty, I am not a materialistic person and selfless anyone that knows me can attest to that.
Posted by mia78[/QUOTE]
Not one word of what you replied with matters. It doesn't matter if they were dating for 10 minutes or 10 years. It doesn't matter if she kept it from you or not. It doesn't matter if it's sudden, or that they're quickly planning to get married. It is not your place to determine if they are rushing, or how well they know eachother. You can say you're not selfish, demanding or bratty all day long, but your words say otherwise. And who said anything about materialistic? If you were selfless you wouldn't feel that she is taking away from your day, because you'd be happy for her.
Also, your other comment that your sister's FI is still married makes me want to just tell you to relax. If he's married, they can't get married... and in some states not until at least 6 months after the divorce is final. Either way, not your business or your problem.

GBCK · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:1995bcac-f1d3-49d6-8132-cdc3daac42f4">Re: Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Rivalry : She didn't tell anyone bc he is still married to someone else
Posted by mia78[/QUOTE]

<div>you have 2 completely unrelated issues.</div><div>
</div><div>you have one "wow, you're being a lousy person about this" issue. That issue is when she's getting married. You're being a self-centered drama queen whiney-butt by trying to lay claim to a year or a month or a season or anything because of your wedding, because you think she's jacking your thunder. You have no right to dictate a timetable for someone else's life choices; insisting they need to revolve aruond YOUR life choices.</div><div>
</div><div>There is, however, another issue. That is the "wow, I tink my sister is making a mistake" issue. That's separate. That's something a good sister does actually say "wow, sis...lots of red flags" to--IF (big if) it can be said without destroying relationships. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you've already burned your bridge there--that, since you've tried to make these red flags all about YOU and your daaaaaay, that your sister isn't going to hear concern about her if you talk to her about this, she's going to hear judgment and selfishness related to thunder-jacking and your wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>IF you think youve got a chance to raise your concerns and have her hear them, then have a conversation about legitimate concerns--about the guy, about the 'still married', about the secrecy. That, if you have a good relationship (again, big if), is a reasonable conversation to have.</div><div>Having a "you shouldn't get married because it's my day, postpone your plans because the world revolves around me' conversation is not a reasonable conversation to have.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>(and,expect if you do have the 'I'm concerned" conversation, the fact that you've already been unreasonable thus far, she's not going to assume the best of your conversation or your motives in having it)</div>

mia78 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:3edf0e41-bdf2-4912-bb16-e69a56bc57b0">Re: Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Rivalry : you have 2 completely unrelated issues. you have one "wow, you're being a lousy person about this" issue. That issue is when she's getting married. You're being a self-centered drama queen whiney-butt by trying to lay claim to a year or a month or a season or anything because of your wedding, because you think she's jacking your thunder. You have no right to dictate a timetable for someone else's life choices; insisting they need to revolve aruond YOUR life choices. There is, however, another issue. That is the "wow, I tink my sister is making a mistake" issue. That's separate. That's something a good sister does actually say "wow, sis...lots of red flags" to--IF (big if) it can be said without destroying relationships. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you've already burned your bridge there--that, since you've tried to make these red flags all about YOU and your daaaaaay, that your sister isn't going to hear concern about her if you talk to her about this, she's going to hear judgment and selfishness related to thunder-jacking and your wedding. IF you think youve got a chance to raise your concerns and have her hear them, then have a conversation about legitimate concerns--about the guy, about the 'still married', about the secrecy. That, if you have a good relationship (again, big if), is a reasonable conversation to have. Having a "you shouldn't get married because it's my day, postpone your plans because the world revolves around me' conversation is not a reasonable conversation to have. (and,expect if you do have the 'I'm concerned" conversation, the fact that you've already been unreasonable thus far, she's not going to assume the best of your conversation or your motives in having it)
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

<div>We had a conversation about the fact that he is still legally married but that doesn't seem to bother her she said the divorce should happen quickly. There is a nother factor to the story, he has a child. When I told her that she needs to consider the fact that his child will always come first, she stated otherwise. Basically saying she will come first before his own child. There are reasons to be concerned about the whole situation, she is setting herself up for hurt and heartbreak.</div>

GBCK · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:2a12113b-74ef-4fda-b019-78b5a81aebdd">Re: Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Rivalry : We had a conversation about the fact that he is still legally married but that doesn't seem to bother her she said the divorce should happen quickly. There is a nother factor to the story, he has a child. When I told her that she needs to consider the fact that his child will always come first, she stated otherwise. Basically saying she will come first before his own child. There are reasons to be concerned about the whole situation, she is setting herself up for hurt and heartbreak.
Posted by mia78[/QUOTE]

<div>So...you've said your piece and you now step back and hope you're proven wrong.</div><div>
</div><div>And that STILL has nothing to do with the timing of their wedding as it relates to your wedding. So you drop it and do your best to be happy for her and supportive of her and keep non-judgemental lines of communication open.</div>

mandi195 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-rivalry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0e3f34a5-6016-4cbd-9445-4d471d4a4467Post:f532b03c-bbfb-4e34-9b9b-4570d6180922">Re: Sibling Rivalry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Rivalry : So...you've said your piece and you now step back and hope you're proven wrong. And that STILL has nothing to do with the timing of their wedding as it relates to your wedding. So you drop it and do your best to be happy for her and supportive of her and keep non-judgemental lines of communication open.
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]
I second this.

cwaggoner07 · November 2012

TBH you sound pretty judgmental about the whole thing. It's her wedding/marriage/life to do what she pleases with. The best thing you can do is be supportive and loving, but it sounds like you are burning bridges with her, and you might really regret it later.

Like all PP have said, you get one day. To flip it, she could be mad that you're basically trying to monopolize two full years of wedded bliss in the family. 'Why didn't you just have a shorter engagement?' would be my snappy retort to you.

Bottom line, do what is best for your FI and you, which is to get married this summer. Your timeslines don't really have to coexist at all.

MoonlightSilver · November 2012

I think you can get 5 minutes, in your home by yourself or with yor FI, to rant about how annoying the situation is.

Then you get to move on.

My SIL's wedding plans caused me to change my wedding date. She got married the same summer I did. I was upset about it at first, yes. But no one knew I was upset about it except my FI, and I never did or said anything to show I was upset. In the end, I recognize what PPs have said- we each only get one day. My SIL had every right to get married the same summer I did.

If you're concerned your sister is setting herself up for heartbreak, you should be there to support her, not slamming your judgment in her face.

Heffalump · November 2012

I think it's very telling that you called this post "sibling rivalry." She thinks she's living her life, you treat it as a competition. Good luck with that.

Barbiiieee · November 2012

It seems so weird to me when people worry about this. I know I have a unique relationship with my sister and we are inseparably close. I got engaged in June, and she got engaged this month, and seriously the first thing I said to her (well after congratulations, of course) was "oh my gosh, how fun will it be to plan our weddings together?!"

Here's the thing... you each get one day, and there isn't any reason you can't both have wonderful, amazing, magical days. Unless of course she is trying to get married on the exact same day as you... which I doubt. Just suck it up.

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