Is this just cold feet and why so soon?

AshnRobo · March 2012

Hello everyone! My wedding is a few days away from the six month mark. Lately every time I think of it, my stomach drops and I can barely breathe.

I can't make a decision about anything and procrastinate on every detail. Last month we booked two of our major vendors and I'm supposed to order my dress this Friday. We still don't have a location, but have one in the works. We won't know anything for sure until April. So, I can't move forward on anymore big stuff until we get that done.

For some reason, all of a sudden I'm getting a lot of pressure from my family and friends to start picking out stuff and everytime anyone brings it up I just want to throw up.

Am I getting cold feet already? Is this something more??

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

If you are having doubts or hesitations, do not assume that it is simply cold feet. You have to listen to your gut if it is trying to tell you something. Perhaps you are having hestitation about not being able to do anything with the venue? Or perhaps there is something else going on.

What you are describing sounds exactly like how my sister was when she was about 6 months before her wedding. She didn't want to look at dresses, she didn't want to commit to a venue, she didn't want to look at flowers, caterers, photographers, etc. Eventually, she realized that her problem was that she didn't want to go through with it, but that she wasn't ready to admit it. She called it off and is much happier.

IMHO, cold feet is a myth. If you are 100% certain that you are marrying the right person, you won't have doubts about doing it. If you aren't 100% certain, you should wait.

redheadfsu · March 2012

Some people hate party planning and making planning decisions. Hating wedding planning is not getting 'cold feet' about marrying your FI.

So how do you feel about your FI?

AshnRobo · March 2012

The only hesitation that I have about my FI is I'm worried he won't want the life I want.

I want to travel and explore. I want to go out and do things and have adventures. He's always said he wanted to do those things too. This past fall we were finally able to take our first vacation together after saving and saving (both money and vacation time). It took us a while to save up b/c he lost his job twice, and had a lot of medical expenses.

When we finally took the vacation, he didn't want to do anything except ride four wheelers. Which I had never done, so I did..but then that was all he wanted to do. I wanted to try everything that was available. I wanted to hike up the mountains, and go do all these things we had talked about. He had said he wanted to do all that too. But then, all of a sudden he didn't.

It just really bothers me. I was thrown for a loop and missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do b/c I wasn't sure how to react to his sudden unwillingness.

Part of me knows now that he probably won't do all those things, and I'm willing to do them alone..However, isn't having a life partner having someone to do those things with and no longer having to do them alone?

dori851 · March 2012

Only you know how you really feel. If you think you're feeling this way because the planning aspect is stressing you out & you feel overwhelmed with everything you need to do, that's one thing. But, if you feel that you aren't wanting to do anything wedding-related because you aren't sure that you want to go through with the wedding, that's a whole different thing.

I would sit down & acess my feelings to try & figure out which one it is. If you're 100% sure that you aren't having second thoughts about the wedding in general, then I'd say you're stressing over the planning. And to help that, I would start making to-do lists, I know that helped me a lot. I liked seeing everything I needed to do listed out & being able to cross things off as I went along!

ETA: I just saw your second post. I would sit down & talk to FI if you're feeling that way. Tell him that you want him to try new things with you. Tell him that you wish he would have done such & such events with you while on vacation. You two need to get on the same page with these kinds of things. I know it's just vacation that you're talking about now, but later on it will be more important things. If you two can work these things out now, chances are you'll be able to work things out in the future that come along.

StephBeanWed61502 · March 2012

There are two very different explanations for what you're describing, and I can't tell from your post which one applies to you. On the one hand, you could be someone who hates planning parties, and it could be all of the "Which flower do you want in the centerpiece? Do you want a lace gown or a satin gown? Should the bridesmaids wear eggplant or salmon? Should the cake be French vanilla or lemon flavored?" that's making you feel anxious. My FI is not great at planning, and I know I had to break the wedding-planning thing down into teeny-tiny steps for him to make it more accessible and less overwhelming. "OMG WE MUST PICK EVERYTHING NOW NOW NOW" freaked him out, so I made a schedule, then only told him about the particular task at hand that needed to be done at any given time. "Okay hon, we need to book a venue by Sept. 30," and then we wouldn't talk about any other decisions until the venue was booked. Once the venue was booked, we moved on to step two, so on and so forth. We're around 5 months out and everything is now fully planned.

Option #2: You're freaking out about the marriage itself. If this is what's freaking you out, you need to put an immediate hold on the planning process, and focus on why you're freaking out. Is there a problem between you and your FI? Something about him or about the way the two of you interact that worries/bothers you? Figure it out and address it, whatever "it" turns out to be. Marriage doesn't magically solve problems or make anyone a better partner. Without some serious self-reflection and possibly counseling, the partner you will have after marriage is the partner you have right now, flaws and all. If you have any sense of "well, our relationship would be perfect IF ONLY he'd..." then you have an issue that the two of you need to work out, and that won't go away just because you say "I do."

ETA: Just saw your update now. This is a FI issue, not a party-planning issue. Get thee to premarital counseling - you need to figure out if (a) he can change; or (b) you can live with having all of your travel adventures be solo adventures. If the answer to both of those questions is no, he's not the right guy for you, no matter how much you care about him and how much he cares about you.

cwaggoner07 · March 2012

Something I had to come to the realization are things that I liked that may not be as big a part of my life as they once were. For example, I used to LOVE going country and western dancing and going to a big Texas dance hall.
Unfortch, my FI is a hipster filmmaker, and it's just not his thing. He has gone before, and he's not difficult about it, it's just genuinely not his scene. So I know, going forward, that I'm only going to get to go on rare occasions.
BUT there are so many other things we enjoy doing together, like running, biking, swimming, triathlons, marathons, going to film festivals, hiking... and that's where we found common ground.

My life isn't going to be country western dancing the rest of my life, and his isn't going to be film premieres and dive bars the rest of his life. We are both TOTALLY ok with that, and we will both support the other when it comes to the big important stuff.
It was a weird realization, though, that's for sure.

redheadfsu · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_is-this-just-cold-feet-and-why-so-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ecf5b070-52e2-4b8c-82f1-82a1e1c0d2f1Post:e8c00482-3f3c-4c2c-8a73-76f6df5eee86">Re: Is this just cold feet and why so soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]The only hesitation that I have about my FI is I'm worried he won't want the life I want. I want to travel and explore. I want to go out and do things and have adventures. He's always said he wanted to do those things too. This past fall we were finally able to take our first vacation together after saving and saving (both money and vacation time). It took us a while to save up b/c he lost his job twice, and had a lot of medical expenses. When we finally took the vacation, he didn't want to do anything except ride four wheelers. Which I had never done, so I did..but then that was all he wanted to do. I wanted to try everything that was available. I wanted to hike up the mountains, and go do all these things we had talked about. He had said he wanted to do all that too. But then, all of a sudden he didn't. <strong>Did you ask why?</strong> It just really bothers me. I was thrown for a loop and missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do b/c I wasn't sure how to react to his sudden unwillingness. Part of me knows now that he probably won't do all those things, and I'm willing to do them alone..However, isn't having a life partner having someone to do those things with and no longer having to do them alone?
Posted by AshnRobo[/QUOTE]

When you planned this trip did you talk about the things you wanted to do and then he changed his mind? As in 'On Monday lets go hiking' and then Monday morning he didn't want to? <strong>OR</strong> Did you not discuss the actual activities for the trip before you left?

StephBeanWed61502 · March 2012

One other thought on the "willing to do things alone" - it may be fine for you now, but think about how you're going to feel after 10 or 20 years of doing things alone. And what about if you have children? Won't you want them to have your same adventurous spirit? How will that happen if their dad isn't on board? Are you cool with doing everything alone with kids?

My parents have a very similar relationship to what you're describing (mom's adventurous, dad's not) and ultimately my dad's disposition won out, because it was just too hard on my mom to try to plan things with two young kids all by herself, so we ended up usually doing what my dad wanted to do, because it was the only way my mom could guarantee she'd have the help she needed with us on vacations.

RailWayWife · March 2012

You need to discuss the life you want with your FI. You need to talk to him about his unwillingness to go explore while you were on vacation.

AshnRobo · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_is-this-just-cold-feet-and-why-so-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ecf5b070-52e2-4b8c-82f1-82a1e1c0d2f1Post:970f3002-96ef-4012-9745-129016ca1281">Re: Is this just cold feet and why so soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this just cold feet and why so soon? : When you planned this trip did you talk about the things you wanted to do and then he changed his mind? As in 'On Monday lets go hiking' and then Monday morning he didn't want to? OR Did you not discuss the actual activities for the trip before you left?
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Yes, I did ask why. He claimed his back hurt. His back is what the medical bills were for. However, I don't really buy that b/c he wanted to fourwheel. I feel like fourwheeling is more abrasive on your back than walking up an easy mountain trail.

We did have a plan for what we were going to do, but weren't sure on which days. We said we were going to take a day to go kayaking, a day for driving around the park, a day for the gysers, one for relaxing, one for hiking, one for looking for wildlife, and one for "in-town". We didn't even know before we got there that there would be four wheelers. All we knew for sure is there was a kayak.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_is-this-just-cold-feet-and-why-so-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ecf5b070-52e2-4b8c-82f1-82a1e1c0d2f1Post:576d72a8-7d0c-483a-b654-0d95c30b59db">Re: Is this just cold feet and why so soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]One other thought on the "willing to do things alone" - it may be fine for you now, but think about how you're going to feel after 10 or 20 years of doing things alone. And what about if you have children? Won't you want them to have your same adventurous spirit? How will that happen if their dad isn't on board? Are you cool with doing everything alone with kids? My parents have a very similar relationship to what you're describing (mom's adventurous, dad's not) and ultimately my dad's disposition won out, because it was just too hard on my mom to try to plan things with two young kids all by herself, so we ended up usually doing what my dad wanted to do, because it was the only way my mom could guarantee she'd have the help she needed with us on vacations.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

My parents had that relationship. It bugged me so much. I often resented my dad for not wanting to go on adventures with us. :/

Neither of us want kids so that shouldn't be a problem, but I've told him that I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life going on adventures alone. I told him we either have to find a couple in the same situation as us (one stay behind at the hotel and one go play) or we're going to have a hard road ahead.

It upsets me that he is this way, but when I try to talk to him he just laughs and says sorry. I feel like he's wasted my time by lying to me.

Oh man. Wow... thanks guys talking about this has really opened my eyes about why I'm feeling like this. I think he and I need to have a serious talk. I didn't realize this bothered me this much!

mizutamababy · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_is-this-just-cold-feet-and-why-so-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ecf5b070-52e2-4b8c-82f1-82a1e1c0d2f1Post:d5728355-34e6-41f0-a88a-0e12074b7fa1">Re: Is this just cold feet and why so soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this just cold feet and why so soon? : Yes, I did ask why. He claimed his back hurt. His back is what the medical bills were for. However, I don't really buy that b/c he wanted to fourwheel. I feel like fourwheeling is more abrasive on your back than walking up an easy mountain trail. We did have a plan for what we were going to do, but weren't sure on which days. We said we were going to take a day to go kayaking, a day for driving around the park, a day for the gysers, one for relaxing, one for hiking, one for looking for wildlife, and one for "in-town". We didn't even know before we got there that there would be four wheelers. All we knew for sure is there was a kayak. In Response to Re: Is this just cold feet and why so soon? : My parents had that relationship. It bugged me so much. I often resented my dad for not wanting to go on adventures with us. :/ Neither of us want kids so that shouldn't be a problem, but I've told him that I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life going on adventures alone. I told him we either have to find a couple in the same situation as us (one stay behind at the hotel and one go play) or we're going to have a hard road ahead. It upsets me that he is this way, but when I try to talk to him he just laughs and says sorry. I feel like he's wasted my time by lying to me. Oh man. Wow... thanks guys talking about this has really opened my eyes about why I'm feeling like this. I think he and I need to have a serious talk. I didn't realize this bothered me this much!
Posted by AshnRobo[/QUOTE]

Do you have hobbies that you share? My DH and I both love bowling, karaoke, surfing the internet, and being lazy on the weekend.

We also have our own hobbies, too. He likes to DJ, play video games, and study.

I like to read, watch movies, and do crafty stuff sometimes.

DH isn't a huge movie person, but he'll watch them with me every now and then. I don't like the same kind of music he likes, but I'll go support him when he DJs at clubs and listen to some of the mixes he makes. Or even if he's playing games, I can read in the same room with him and it's nice just knowing we're sharing the same space together.

I don't think it's normal to expect your FI to have the same interests as you about everything. That said, sometimes you both have to compromise for each other. Compromise is a big part of marriage. By sharing in each other's interests, you can get to know each other in a way that you may not have previously. That means the next time you're on a trip he should do some adventurous stuff with you, but at the same time you should do stuff he wants to do as well.

If neither of you are willing to compromise, that would be a red flag in my eyes, since it will only lead to resentment on down the road that you both aren't getting what you want.

It also sounds like you FI isn't aware of how much this meant to you. I also get the feeling part of your anxiety is coming from your resentment of your dad not being as adventurous as you would have liked him to, and being afraid your marriage will turn out similarly.

Perhaps another reason he wasn't into doing what you wanted to do is because he may not be able to think as spontaneously as you do. I know my DH isn't spontaneous at all, but if we make it a planned event and he has time to think about it and mentally prepare (or whatever he does- I'm not him) more often than not he'll be down for it.

I don't think this is necessarily a cause to stop the wedding, but as PPs advised it'd be good to get on board on how you envision your married life together. Hopefully it'll present an opportunity to get to know each other a little more deeply and you'll come out a little stronger. Good luck!

StephBeanWed61502 · March 2012

Mizutamababy, I have to disagree with your advice here - this isn't an "OMG we like different music, now what?!" kind of problem. OP and her FI have a fundamental disagreement about how they approach life (homebody vs. adventurous). This isn't something you can "compromise" on, especially if the other person's response to your concerns is to laugh at you.

No one is saying OP and her FI need to have identical interests - I know FI and I certainly don't. However, my love of crappy reality TV is not a core component of my personality; I have no problem agreeing to turn it off when FI's in the room because he hates it. My love of bad tv and the fact that he won't watch it with me isn't going to fundamentally alter our future together. However, if one of us wants to travel and explore the world and the other wants to stay home? That will fundamentally alter our future together.

For OP, someone in her relationship is always going to be called upon to do something that goes against a core component of who they are - either the homebody will be forced out into the world, or the traveller will have to stay home. I'm not sure what kind of "compromise" exists for them that won't lead to resentment down the line, and I think it's crucial that they figure it out before they get married. This is a huge problem - it would be irresponsible to get married without solving it.

redheadfsu · March 2012

Well if you don't believe/trust him (back hurting) & he can't communicate/ is selfish (you did four wheeling, he wouldn't do your stuff). Time to put the wedding on hold and seek counseling.

cwaggoner07 · March 2012

Agree with PP. You should definitely do some couples couseling. I think it will help to clear your head and figure out what you want. None of us can really tell you the answer, but I think you could benefit from some couple's counseling. It's not as scary as you might think!

mizutamababy · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_is-this-just-cold-feet-and-why-so-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ecf5b070-52e2-4b8c-82f1-82a1e1c0d2f1Post:47c88001-e91e-406b-ba60-e0fe08c9ebd7">Re: Is this just cold feet and why so soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]Mizutamababy, I have to disagree with your advice here - this isn't an "OMG we like different music, now what?!" kind of problem. OP and her FI have a fundamental disagreement about how they approach life (homebody vs. adventurous). This isn't something you can "compromise" on, especially if the other person's response to your concerns is to laugh at you.[/QUOTE]

Yes, you can compromise. If you truly love someone, you should have no problem doing it without resentment. If they compromise both needs are being met without putting either partner too much outside of their safe zone. The question is will that be enough for the both of them. If not, marriage shouldn't be in the cards.

Personally my DH or I would be like WTF if one of us made that big of a deal about not going all out crazy doing everything we could while on a trip. It seems really immature and silly without the back story that she's written here and like someone's upset they didn't get their way, and I can understand her FI laughing and trying to lighten her sour mood over it if that's the way he took it. I'm sure once she explains about how it relates to her insecurities/life views he'll take her seriously if he respects her.

[QUOTE]However, if one of us wants to travel and explore the world and the other wants to stay home? That will fundamentally alter our future together.[/QUOTE]

I agree, but her FI went on the trip. He did some stuff outside of lounging around the hotel. It just wasn't everything she wanted to do. I'd call that pretty normal TBH, altough it's probably is fair to say he could have compromised a little and done one or two more activities she was really looking forward to.

I love roller coasters but DH hates them. I'm not gonna get on DH's butt about not being adventurous just because he didn't feel like riding one with me over going to the haunted house or something at the amusement park together instead.

AshnRobo · March 2012

Thanks everyone. We talked last night, and I went into more detail with him about how his behaviour on that one trip concerns me that it was indicitive of how he will be on all trips and in the face of any new adventure.

I explained that it bothered me that he wanted to do things (watch tv, chill in the hot tub) that we have available at home. I don't like spending a ton of money to do somehting I can do at home. It feels wasteful.

We are going on another vacation in one month (almost exactly). I told him I wanted to figure out what our options are and what we can do while there. He's already found several trails and parks he wants to go on. So, I'm just going to wait and see how it turns out.

I think people can have a hard time changing, but I think he got my anxiety about being stuck in one place too long. He has a major desire to move to Colorado after we are married. I told him I'll go, but not forever. I think where we live is something we can comprimise on, but seeing the world is something I'm not willing to comprimise on.

I do think being a traveler is a fundamental piece of me. I have a strong desire to experience the world, and I don't want to be held back. When I chose him as a partner he told me that he had the same desire. Now, I'm getting to see how real his desire is.

Is this just cold feet and why so soon?

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