When to propose to Bridesmaids??

JNwedding31 · January 2012

Hello knotties! Recently engaged (just last month) but having a long engagement, & wondering when is an appropriate time to ask my friends to be my maids?!

Our date is set for the first week of October in 2013. So that gives me a year & 10 months engagement (as of now). I will have 4 bridesmaids - all friends (I'm an only child & all cousins etc live too far to have them make that kind of committment). 3 of my maids have been the closest friends to me for the last 7 years or so, and they are all friends through me so they get along well. The 4th is my fiance's sister (who is getting married this Nov & I'm a BM in her wedding).

I am anxious to propose to them - I already feel overwheled by all the choices & details (I want a rustic wedding but cannot seem to find a venue that fits my style- they are all so perfect & elegant lol). Anyway it would be great to have them on board early to at least know the direction I'm going in, colors, start looking at dresses, and just help me all around. But I don't want to be inappropriate either if now is too early. I was thinking of proposing on Valentine's Day... they are all single & I know they hate that day, so I was hoping it would give them something to be excited about. (Make an anti V-day date with them & pop the question with hand-made gifts).

I've never been a BM, don't know a THING about weddings lol. This will prob be my first of many posts!

Any suggestions from those of you who have been through this, or are currently going through this?
Is V-day too soon? If so, when do you suggest? Wedding date is Oct 2013.

Thank you!!

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2012

10-12 months before the wedding seems to be the usual suggestion on the boards. Relationships change and asking too soon can backfire.

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_propose-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b4a6d41e-a452-4b0b-bbe1-65525d21f636Post:97e92fad-9794-4f50-af5e-64da3d2fa4f5">When to propose to Bridesmaids??</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello knotties! Recently engaged (just last month) but having a long engagement, & wondering when is an appropriate time to ask my friends to be my maids?! Our date is set for the first week of October in 2013. So that gives me a year & 10 months engagement (as of now). I will have 4 bridesmaids - all friends (I'm an only child & all cousins etc live too far to have them make that kind of committment). 3 of my maids have been the closest friends to me for the last 7 years or so, and they are all friends through me so they get along well. The 4th is my fiance's sister (who is getting married this Nov & I'm a BM in her wedding). I am anxious to propose to them - I already feel overwheled by all the choices & details (I want a rustic wedding but cannot seem to find a venue that fits my style- they are all so perfect & elegant lol). Anyway it would be great to have them on board early to at least know the direction I'm going in, colors, start looking at dresses, <strong>and just help me all around.</strong> But I don't want to be inappropriate either if now is too early. I was thinking of proposing on Valentine's Day... they are all single & I know they hate that day, so I was hoping it would give them something to be excited about. (Make an anti V-day date with them & pop the question with hand-made gifts). I've never been a BM, don't know a THING about weddings lol. This will prob be my first of many posts! Any suggestions from those of you who have been through this, or are currently going through this? Is V-day too soon? If so, when do you suggest? Wedding date is Oct 2013. And is the actual V-day idea a good idea, or not? Thank you!!
Posted by JNwedding31[/QUOTE]

Oh, and the bolded part? You need to drop that idea. THey can OFFER to help but you're the one getting married so any preparation is solely the responsibility of you and your FI.

em01092 · January 2012

Ditto PP. Trust me, I know you don't want to think that these girls will no longer be as close to you then as they are now, but lurk around a little on these boards, and you will see it happens every day. Brides get excited and ask their friends to be maids too far in advance, the friendship changes or someone moves, and then they come here asking how to kick out that BM. The rule is you cannot kick out a BM unless they do something truly awful worthy of ending the friendship. If you kick someoen out over not making a shower, coming over to help, etc, you may look like a B and may end the friendship.

Like PP said, the only obligations of a BM are to get a dress (talk with them privately about budgets) and show up, smile for pics, and for your MOH, hold your bouquet and sign your marriage license. So, even if you don't want to take the above advice, there is nothing for them to do this far out. Showers and parties, which are optional and not required, are not usually thrown until under 6 months til the wedding. They need to get dresses 3-6 months out.

tldh · January 2012

First of all, you aren't going to propose to your BMs. You are just going to ask so please don't make this a bigger thing than it is.

Ask them 6 -8 months before the wedding and if anyone asks who your WP is, tell them that you aren't thinking about it yet. Once you say "Oh, Sarah, Rene and Kate" congratulations, you've just asked them.

The only thing that BMs HAVE to do is show up at the wedding wearing the dress that was chosen, walk down the aisle and smile for the photographer. That is it. Don't let bridal magazines or TV shows tell you any different. Anything more is optional on the BMs part.

As for the dress, ask each girl individually and privately for her budget that she is willing to spend - and make each one give you a number. The one who has the lowest number sets the ceiling for the price of the dress (including alterations unless you are planning on paying for those). This is all they are required to buy. If you want them in matching shoes (or a shoe color that wouldn't already be in their closet), specific jewelry, hair professionally done, makeup professionally done, that is entirely your responsibility to pay.

JNwedding31 · January 2012

Thank you everyone for the info. Like I said, I know nothing about planning.

As far as the "proposals" to BM's, I have seen BM proposals done & love how personal it is- and that's how my friends & I are, always doing cute stuff like that for each other. I don't see how that's making it "bigger" than it is. Wasn't planning on anything over the top. I have blank wine bottle labels & lots of wine. I was gonna print their names on the bottle with a lil note popping the question. Every bride & every group of friends are different so if I want to thoughtfully propose, while others just casually ask over the phone, then to each their own. Guess I shouldn't have asked about the proposing to them idea, & just kept the question to strictly when to propose.

Other than that I've had friends (these same friends I'll be asking) who were BM's & MOH's in other weddings who've helped with everything from planning to flowers & the shower & Bach party.. so I thought that was the norm. But I will absolutely wait for the offers for help and not expect or demand anything from them - I know that expectations cause drama & it's not their "job" to help with everything. I was just curious when to ask b/c these girls are already asking me details, colors, asking if I need help looking at venues, etc.. they seem more excited to help me plan my wedding than I am to plan it. When they talk about it they already refer to themselves as BM's. I only started touring venues this week b/c they've been asking & talking about it so much. I get it though, no expectations and I will wait to ask them since it's a long engagement. But b/c they're important to me & are excited for me, I will "propose" in a personal way. Thanks again.

JNwedding31 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_propose-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b4a6d41e-a452-4b0b-bbe1-65525d21f636Post:571f4f3c-143d-4ea2-ae16-4b07c6875437">Re: When to propose to Bridesmaids??</a>:
[QUOTE]10-12 months before the wedding seems to be the usual suggestion on the boards. Relationships change and asking too soon can backfire.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for this helpful advice. I was looking for a specific time frame. I appreciate it :-)

JNwedding31 · January 2012

Thank you for the dress advice. I wasn't sure about the whole budget thing. I will def ask them each seperately for their budget & go with the lowest. I just want to pick the color(s)- they can pick whatever dress they want & shoes & I have no concern over how they wear their hair, jewelery etc. Thanks!

RaptorSLH · January 2012

The usual advice I see is 6-9 months out.

Make as big a deal of asking as you want to, if that's your style, but when you describe it in the same language as your FI's proposal to you ("proposal," "pop the question,") yes, you are making it a big deal.

Start budgeting now for a wedding coordinator. If you are "overwhelmed" almost two years out, you either need to slow down and take things one at a time with your FI's help, or hire a professional. If you dump this on your wedding party, your friendships will not be the same. No excuses either - "oh, I wouldn't do that, I just need x, y, and z" shows you still don't get it.

Elinetrouwt · January 2012

I think the idea with the wine bottles sounds lovely!

Remember, if these girls are your friends and they are asking questions and being interested, there is nothing wrong with discussing things with them right now, even if you haven't told them yet they'll be bridesmaids. As long a you don't become one of these girls who can only talk about herself & her own wedding, but you don't sound that way.

I personally don't like the V-day idea, if they are single and hate it already, it might feel a bit like rubbing it in. Do something fun with them that day & don't mention weddings. It would be too early, anyhow.

And relax, you still got lots of time, no reason to get overwhelmed here.

Kate61487 · January 2012

Eline took the words right out of my mouth - asking them on V-day if they're all single and hate that holiday feels like rubbing it in, so I'd avoid that.

Wait until at least the one year mark; 9 months would be even better. I think the wine bottle idea is cute, but agree that callling it "proposing" and "popping the question" is a little ridiculous - girls are reacting to it b/c getting engaged is a GIGANTIC commitment; agreeing to be a BM should NOT be that big of a commitment.

Honestly, I think many of the posts on here about relationships dissolving are BECAUSE they were asked too soon. Even the best of friends are gonna be tearing their hair out after almost two years of "which centerpiece do you like better? should the dresses be long or short? Oh that just doesn't fit my *vision*".

Ashleyjo1018 · July 2012

Wow when did people get so snotty! I think proposing to your maids is an appropriate way to say this because you are super excited and wedding is on the brain! Congrats on being engaged! Its such a fun time, at first you will feel overwhelmed but it does get better I promise I started out that way as well, however to get back to your question; Usually between 10 and 12 months is a good time frame to propose to your maids, that way you give them enough time to reply if they're far away and to order their dresses. Also as a side note it's not rude to ask your ladies for help, they're there to support you and make things easier for the bride therefor you can ask for help whenever you need it, they won't shun you for being stressed

I promise it is going to be so much fun just try not to stress out too much!

When to propose to Bridesmaids??

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