Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!

JacallyL · February 2012

So I have a ton of family drama related to our wedding planning..We have decided we want a February wedding 2013..the problem is my parents are divorced and my dad thinks that we shouldnt have a big wedding because its a waste of money and my finace and I have a child, (mind you we have very good jobs, she has a college fund and we are financially secure, I am 24 and he is 31.) My Mother wants to keep with tradition and pay for the whole wedding, my dad only wants to give money if it goes towards a cause (paying down our mortgage, a new kitchen, our daughters college fund) I said fine to all of this to keep the peace, we will apply the money as he wishes but now we have set our date (2/16/13) and it falls into his annual vacation (which is the entire month of february) He has said he will not come to the wedding since he will be away. I am heartbroken, its not like we have planned this to ruin his vacation, but we cant exactly afford the wedding we want to have in May or June and we like the idea of a winter wedding not combined with all the holidays so february for us was perfect. Well here comes the drama..My Finace now doesnt want to accept his money and wants to pay for the entire wedding ourselves, my mother is threatening to redo their divorce settlement for money becasue she will be footing the whole bill now, I have no one to walk me down the aisle and really I just dont even want to have a big wedding anymore. I love my Fiance and in the end I just want to be a family but this is insanity. I told my fiance that I would rather elope and not have a big wedding and he took it as I didn't want to get married because I didn't say anythign sooner and he is mad now that I want to change plans and keeps saying he is going to the bank to get a loan and we are having the wedding we have been planning. He doesnt understand that paying for it ourselves won't get rid of the headache or the hurt of my father being how he is being. I am out of Ideas, tired of compromising and need some fresh perspective..anyone have any ideas, solutions or encouragement? HELP!

chirpchirp · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:6a68814e-12a4-4ced-b023-5760b91ebfb5">Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a ton of family drama related to our wedding planning..We have decided we want a February wedding 2013..the problem is my parents are divorced and my dad thinks that we shouldnt have a big wedding because its a waste of money and my finace and I have a child, (mind you we have very good jobs, she has a college fund and we are financially secure, I am 24 and he is 31.) My Mother wants to keep with tradition and pay for the whole wedding, my dad only wants to give money if it goes towards a cause (paying down our mortgage, a new kitchen, our daughters college fund) I said fine to all of this to keep the peace, we will apply the money as he wishes but now we have set our date (2/16/13) and it falls into his annual vacation (which is the entire month of february) He has said he will not come to the wedding since he will be away. I am heartbroken, its not like we have planned this to ruin his vacation, but we cant exactly afford the wedding we want to have in May or June and we like the idea of a winter wedding not combined with all the holidays so february for us was perfect. Well here comes the drama..My Finace now doesnt want to accept his money and wants to pay for the entire wedding ourselves, my mother is threatening to redo their divorce settlement for money becasue she will be footing the whole bill now, I have no one to walk me down the aisle and really I just dont even want to have a big wedding anymore. I love my Fiance and in the end I just want to be a family but this is insanity. I told my fiance that I would rather elope and not have a big wedding and he took it as I didn't want to get married because I didn't say anythign sooner and he is mad now that I want to change plans and keeps saying he is going to the bank to get a loan and we are having the wedding we have been planning. He doesnt understand that paying for it ourselves won't get rid of the headache or the hurt of my father being how he is being. I am out of Ideas, tired of compromising and need some fresh perspective..anyone have any ideas, solutions or encouragement? HELP!
Posted by JacallyL[/QUOTE]

While it sounds like your father is being a bit childish with the whole vacation deal, what's more important to you? Getting your way and having your wedding in February or having your father there? If having your father there is more important, why not get married in January?

Also, when others pay for your wedding, this is the kind of thing that happens- money usually comes with strings attached and you need to make compromises or pay for it yourself (without taking out a loan).

[Deleted User] · February 2012

Your fiance is right. If you want to have the wedding in February, you need to pay for it yourselves. I think it's kind of shitty that you would pick February when you know that your dad goes on vacation during that month. And your mother is an asshole for threatening to re-do the divorce settlement. What an immature way to handle things.

entropicbeauty · February 2012

I would recommend waiting a little while and then sitting down and talking with your Fiance. If you are serious about just wanting to elope, explain your reasoning. If he understands that all you really want is to be married to him then maybe he won't get as offended.

Goodluck!

SarahPLiz · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:0e1a4182-ad92-4f52-be16-d65989750f6a">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Your fiance is right. If you want to have the wedding in February, you need to pay for it yourselves. I think it's kind of shitty that you would pick February when you know that your dad goes on vacation during that month. And your mother is an asshole for threatening to re-do the divorce settlement. What an immature way to handle things.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
This. Pay for it yourself. You claim you have the money. Why make your parents pay for it? <div>
</div><div>ETA: Maybe she thought her dad would come to her wedding BECAUSE he'd be on vacaiton and wouldn't have any work obligations. Unless he normally goes out of the country for amonth, this could be a valid assumption. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, OP, I dont know who ever said wedding planning was supposed to be fun. FOr a lot of people it isn't, even when its drama free. Don't set yourself up with expectations that can't be met. </div>

JacallyL · February 2012

We picked February because it works best for him and I..November is Thanksgiving and our daughters birthday, December is the holidays, January my Fiance has foodshows non stop (he is a chef) and Febrary is when our lives slow down enough to enjoy life..like I said we didnt do it intentionally and this is a once in a lifetime event..is it wrong to be selfish for once in my life for my wedding? Its also more than a year in advance..

[Deleted User] · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:0fb99920-90ea-498c-a367-aaad665dd3b1">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]We picked February because it works best for him and I..November is Thanksgiving and our daughters birthday, December is the holidays, January my Fiance has foodshows non stop (he is a chef) and Febrary is when our lives slow down enough to enjoy life..like I said we didnt do it intentionally and this is a once in a lifetime event..<strong>is it wrong to be selfish for once in my life for my wedding</strong>? Its also more than a year in advance..
Posted by JacallyL[/QUOTE]

Yes, if your dad is paying. And what about March, April, May, June, July, August, September, and October?

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

I think your father is being ridiculous.

However, I also think both you and your fiance are being ridiculous. Do not take out a loan to pay for your wedding. Hug your mom and say thanks for the offer, but that to minimize drama you are going to pay for the wedding that you both can afford.

If Feburary works for you then I don't think you are out of line for having it then. Could you push to early March so that your father would no longer have an excuse? That might be a decent compromise on the date.

lindseyann410 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:10ab6d65-22e9-4656-85e8-70e834f98bdc">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?! : Why would you need a loan for the wedding if you are financially secure?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>Good point. He also said that his money would be for something OTHER than the wedding, so not taking his money shouldn't affect your wedding plans. </div><div>
</div><div>Taking out a loan for a wedding is a really bad idea. You have a year; save for it yourselves. </div>

JacallyL · February 2012

We dont have a problem paying for it..my mother is being insistant on paying for things..she is huge on tradition for these kinds of things.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

I think you need to decide which is important: A winter wedding, or your dad being there. At this point, you know both are not options. Why does your mom feel the need to resettle the divorce. If she wants to give you her "half", that's fine. I don't know why she insists the money for your wedding come completely from her and your dad. now that they're divorced, his money is not her business.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:29b3397e-d160-4add-8b7b-f550c5dca6c3">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?! : Good point. <strong>He also said that his money would be for something OTHER than the wedding, so not taking his money shouldn't affect your wedding plans.</strong> Taking out a loan for a wedding is a really bad idea. You have a year; save for it yourselves.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]

I totally missed this the first time around. But I still think OP is being ridiculous for insisting on the one month that her father is unavailable.

avsfan33 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:e07055c9-e060-428e-a1a4-548a88e5284b">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?! : I totally missed this the first time around. But I still think OP is being ridiculous for insisting on the one month that her father is unavailable.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

I get the feeling her father would find an excuse no matter what. Just based on his opinions of "big weddings".

lindseyann410 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:2421fe32-6351-468a-b5fb-3e21bca7f7b8">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]We dont have a problem paying for it..my mother is being insistant on paying for things..she is huge on tradition for these kinds of things.
Posted by JacallyL[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, if she can't afford it, then "tradition" just doesn't work. </div><div>
</div><div>And if you have to take out a loan, then apparently you do have a type of problem paying for it.</div>

[Deleted User] · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:7e4a161f-3043-4875-8571-0257ca533636">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?! : I get the feeling her father would find an excuse no matter what. Just based on his opinions of "big weddings".
Posted by avsfan33[/QUOTE]

I need to know more about this annual vacation before I make a judgement about whether or not he is just against the wedding in general. I mostly hear about month long vacations when someone is from out of the country and takes a long vacation to travel to see family, etc. That's what I was assuming was going on here. But if it's just a month off of work, then yes, he's being a diick.

chirpchirp · February 2012

Eh, there are a lot of retired folks who head out of colder climates for at least a month. Especially February, when winter gets kind of long and draining. If he always takes a vacation that month, he might have a timeshare already blocked or whatever. She has 11 other months during which she could get married if she really wanted her father there.

And financially secure is subjective. I'm willing to bet her definition of financially secure is a lot different than mine, since mine doesn't include taking out a loan for a party.

jemmini6 · February 2012

I think the person being the least of an ass is your dad. I mean, it sucks that he flat out said he wouldn't come, but YOU picked the one time that you knew your father is unavailable every.single.year. and you are surprised that he won't come? You could *hope* that he would've changed his plans for his daughter, but seriously...if it was really that important to you to have him there, you wouldn't have put him in that position.

And it's none of your mother's business if your dad won't help pay for your wedding and she's being an asshole if she thinks she can take him to court over it, any judge would laugh her right out, it is NOT his responsibility to pay for it. If your mom wants to be 'traditional', then that's on her.

Lastly, your FI is really pushing his boundaries. He needs to sit down and try to understand why you are frustrated with this situation and not jump to ridiculous conclusions. Not to mention that for 31, that type of reaction is really freaking immature. Also, him even suggesting taking out a loan is one of the dumbest things you could possibly do, so if he really thinks that's a viable option, I'd highly suggest re-assessing your 'financially secure' opinion.

Basically, my advice is to talk to your FI and explain why you are upset, and then consider changing your date if having your dad there is really that important to you.

JacallyL · February 2012

My Fiance said he was going to take out a loan to make me mad..I HATE being in debt, and I have none other than my car and our mortgage. We have the savings to have a wedding up to $15k without touching our "financial cushion" We were going to use the money from my father for remodeling our kitchen.

avsfan- I feel like he would too..he isnt a fan of marriage in general

CEW- It works for us and we have a large family..We cannot afford a peak season wedding for 150 ppl in washington dc/baltimore area. (150 is family only)

My dad leaves Feb 9- March 9 2013. so even early march is out and the fiance starts up with his stuff for work again so once again that doesnt work.

avsfan33 · February 2012

So why not the first week of February?

JacallyL · February 2012

My dad takes a month off and goes to Aruba. No family. He is from america, its just a fun thing for him.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

$15K is plenty for a great wedding without going into debt. And where is your dad going?

ETA: I see that you answered my question already.

If your dad goes every single year in February and you picked that one month, then it sounds like you were setting yourself up to be disappointed.

SarahPLiz · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:b16083e4-dba5-4a80-8c7e-07c1357ff870">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?! : Then why can't your mother pay for one half (since she is so insistent) and you pay for the other?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
This. And tell your mother that its not her business if/what your father pays.

SarahPLiz · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:1ce0403b-4aa4-496a-aa29-846f5701897d">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]My dad takes a month off and goes to Aruba. No family. He is from america, its just a fun thing for him.
Posted by JacallyL[/QUOTE]

<div>Then to me this makes him an ass. Like he can't stand one more week in the states to see his daughter get married and one less week in Aruba. </div>

JacallyL · February 2012

The 2nd is unavaliable at our venue

SarahPLiz · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:5f17cf87-1ccb-4d53-9c67-c50fa364bccc">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]The 2nd is unavaliable at our venue
Posted by JacallyL[/QUOTE]
What about a Friday or Sunday wedding. Another great way to cut costs. And its more commonthan you might thing.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:93218cb2-60c6-4af2-b46e-168430394793">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't rule out the entire month of December because of the holidays. We got married two weeks before Christmas and it worked fine. November is also an option. I know you said it's your daughters birthday, but her birthday is not the whole month.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Yep. You could probably find a reason that any month wouldn't work if you were ruling out birthdays and holidays.

jemmini6 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_taking-all-the-fun-out-of-planningsoultions-or-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a1298c99-5bca-4852-bedf-6729e1a55734Post:f17ea891-bdc2-4019-97d4-c483b4b0509d">Re: Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!</a>:
[QUOTE]My <strong>Fiance said he was going to take out a loan to make me mad</strong>..I HATE being in debt, and I have none other than my car and our mortgage. We have the savings to have a wedding up to $15k without touching our "financial cushion" We were going to use the money from my father for remodeling our kitchen. avsfan- I feel like he would too..he isnt a fan of marriage in general CEW- It works for us and we have a large family..We cannot afford a peak season wedding for 150 ppl in washington dc/baltimore area. (150 is family only) My dad leaves Feb 9- March 9 2013. so even early march is out and the fiance starts up with his stuff for work again so once again that doesnt work.
Posted by JacallyL[/QUOTE]

Because that's mature...I get that he's probably frustrated over this too, which could explain his lashing out, but I still think you need to have a talk about <em>why</em> you are upset over this and realistic things you can do to fix it. He's supposed to be your support system, not make things more difficult by saying things for the sole purpose of pissing you off.

I think PP's have some good suggestions. Friday or Sunday wedding, November or December (birthdays are only one day, just like a wedding, it won't take up the entire month). There's a lot of things you can do to work with your dad's schedule, so it just doesn't seem fair to get upset that he won't work with yours. (granted, it <em>is</em> kind of crappy he won't change his vacation plans for his daughter's wedding, but at the same time, it's not like he just sprung this on you and expected you to accomodate him, these are annual plans that you knew about when setting your date, so it's unfair to ask him to change them for you, when there are, in fact, other options.)

mkrupar · February 2012

Ok so every solution people have offered doesn't work for you for one reason or another. Why even ask if you're not going to take people's advice?

Mom pays for half, and you pay for the other half. Use dad's money for the kitchen (although if you're going to keep the wedding in February and he's not going to come, I would decline any money from him for anything).

What about August? It's outside of peak season for weddings, your H shouldn't be buys at that time, and your father will be in town.

Taking all the fun out of Planning...Soultions or ideas?!

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