Invasive in-laws want to run our registry; who cares this much about other people's china?
So, we registered for some china, and my soon-to-be in-laws are taking exception to it on these grounds:
1. It is in individual pieces, not place settings.
2. It is too expensive.
To which we have countered,
1. The china we like is not sold in five-piece settings at Macy's, which we chose because it is my in-laws' preferred registry provider; moreover, we have neither use nor storage space for eight to 12 matching coffee cups and saucers.
2. It is $24 for a dinner plate, $22 for a salad plate, and $22 for a bowl. It is objectively not that expensive. (For the record, the norm in his family is to spend $100+ on wedding gifts; most of the items on our registry cost less than that.)
We thought that would be the end of it, but weeks later my mother-in-law is still emailing my fiance links to five-piece settings in the $35 to $40 range, telling all his aunts (in front of my best friend while I'm in the fitting room trying on dresses, naively thinking we are having a nice bonding moment) that I'm fixated on inappropriately expensive china--but never once mentioning to me, directly, that she finds anything about our registry objectionable.
Hearing all this second-hand, I take everything off the registry and ask my fiance to tell her we aren't registering for china, our IKEA set is fine. Again, I think this will be the end of it; we can always upgrade on our own terms later. But, she says, your wedding is the perfect time to assemble a full set of china! Not registering for any makes no sense!
He comes back fully convinced that we should register for the latest set she sent us, since it's "close enough" to what we wanted in the first place (read: it is plain white without any ornamentation, so exactly like off-white mid-century modern). He acknowledges that the arguments against our preferred china make no sense, but says he hadn't realized what a problem this is for his parents and thinks we should concede the argument.
Never mind that we'll be the ones actually eating off this china for the next however many decades.
Never mind that there are a hundred other gifts on our registry that guests can choose from if the china we've selected offends them--or don't give us a gift, for all I care. I'll take nothing over a gift I actively don't want.
Never mind, above all, that as an independent adult he needs to be able to say no to his mom.
I've searched wedding blogs and message boards for anything resembling this situation, but I've come up with nothing. Is it normal for relatives to be this invested in a couple's registry? Is there any polite way to tell them, dudes, furnish your own house; let us furnish ours? And am I wrong to expect more from my fiance in setting boundaries with his parents? They may be paying for part of our reception, but surely that gives them no ownership of the registry?
I apologize for length, and also if any part of this sounds terse or judgmental. This china situation has been ongoing for weeks, and I am honestly at a loss. I wish we could just have a proper argument about it and move on (the way it would be done in my family, if anyone cared that deeply about other people's china patterns); I don't want this passive-aggression to drag out any longer.
Re: Invasive in-laws want to run our registry; who cares this much about other people's china?
And if you do decide not to put ay china on your registry which is totall fine, don't be surprised if you receive it from your FMIL or other families anyway. In my opinion, I think you should register for the original individual pieces you wanted.
[QUOTE]I think you need to do two things - put the china YOU WANT in the amounts and stock that YOU WANT back on your registry and tell FI that if he doesn't stick up for you about this, <strong>you are going to seek pre-marital counceling</strong> - and then do it if he doesn't follow through. It is definitely none of her business and I'm kind of upset on your behalf. It's a big red flag that it's not just the two of you making these decisions together. Do you really want your MIL calling all of the shots in your life from now on - what house you buy, who's in the delivery room when you give birth, where you vacation as a couple? This isn't just an issue of plates, this is an issue of putting your foot down.
Posted by Fancypantsamy[/QUOTE]
<div>I wouldn't make premarital counseling a threat here. Sounds like it could be a good idea, in any case, but it's not a bad thing to go to counseling, premarital or otherwise.</div>
Forget about threatening premarital counseling, just say, "I think we should talk with a pro before we're married so we know how to handle even bigger issues."
This has zero to do with China and everything to do with FMIL being able to control some portion of your lives.
[QUOTE]This deal with the china and his mom has nothing to do with him being a golden child or whatever. I'm a golden child (only child and my parents live about 3 hours away), but I was allowed to pick out my own china. And my own apartment. And FI and I are house hunting with virtually no input from my parents other than "make sure you can afford it and don't take the highest loan the bank offers you." Not bad advice considering the housing bubble. This has everything to do with her specficially and his relationship with her. I agree with PPs - if she is this crazy about china, wait until you buy a house and are spending real money on something you can't just return to the store. You need to address her intrusiveness ASAP.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]
<div>You're right, that was unfounded speculation--all I really meant was that their dynamic baffles me and I have no idea where it comes from, because I can't imagine ever deferring to my parents about anything to the extent he does. They are actually very nice people otherwise, which means I tend to feel like the worst person in the world for criticizing them at all, so it helps to hear from others (with more objectivity and less personally at stake) that this is not actually how things should be.</div><div>
</div><div>The other reason this is baffling is that we did pick out our own apartment and it was nothing like this. But we saw the listing, went to see it, and then signed a lease that day, so I guess they had no real opportunity to protest; conversely, we were fielding questions about whether our registry was online yet literally within days of getting engaged.</div>