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Help! Indian Traditions?

KomboKombo
First Comment
in South Asian Weddings

I am a middle eastern woman marrying to an Indian man in 117 days.  The entire wedding planning process has been extremely  stressful..I find myself crying and hoping that our love can withstand my ILs and all of their expectations. 

Backstory:
My family was quite strict growing up (ex: My mom raised us thinking we cannot date until we were married..basicallly NO DATING EVER)  I just turned 30 so my parents gave up on me marrying a middle eastern guy a few years ago (now that I'm past my prime)!!  This being said when meeting my FI I new we had a lot in common.  I believed that we both have very strong, family oriented cultures and didn't think things would be soo hard.  We are both Christian but I'm 2 years older than him and have my own condo.  I was supposed live at home until marriage but again I think my parents gave up on the idea of me following the traditional way.   

I just feel like every step is a battle. A few months back my MIL asked for spelling of my parents names as they are ordering THEIR invitations.  I apparently have to order my own for my family?!  Dinner at the wedding will be served at 9pm no discussions about that even though I stated that we usually have dinner earlier and hoped we can compromise.  She brushed me off and said "I worry too much."   We have been back and forth about the time of the ceremony and I finally gave up on my ideal time just this past Saturday.  My FI admits that most desi people arrive late to everything..and that does concern me as my family is usually on time and may feel offended having to wait and wait for the ceremony, then wait again for dinner to begin. 

The latest issue is that my bridesmaids are throwing me a bridal shower and I asked my FMIL for a list of aunties and cousins that would attend.  She said the normally they don't attend bridal showers for the bahu but for the own women.  Stating once her daughter gets married they would attend but since I'm not part of the family yet it should only be for my family and friends.  My FI could sense my dissapointment and must have said something to her in Hindi because a little later she mentioned that she would ask the aunties and cousins if they would attend.  If they say yes then she and my FSIL would also attend.   I had to let her know that the gifts received would be for me and her son (although they may be pot & pans).  She doesn't like that fact because once married we will together in my condo and she feels like she is losing her baby..even though I live 15 minutes away. 


 
I feel like I"m writing a novel, sorry :) But I would like to know if this is typical- separate invitations, no bridal showers??!!  I don't feel like this is a union!!!  I feel like I have done alot in being open and understanding but I get know recognition-nothing is good enough.   Also, I will be paying for half of the wedding.  In my culture the groom/ grooms family pays for the wedding and I assumed the Indian tradition was similar.  I feel a bit taken advantage of..pay 50% but I have 0% say in anything. I am also lying to my dad because he would be angry if he found out I was paying this much. 

My FSIL was also one of my bridesmaids but backed out because she wanted to wear a white sari and I was upset.  She decided that she didn't want to be part of her only brothers wedding because of this.    My FI feels stuck in the middle and doesn't like it.  I let him know that comprimise is a two way street,  is it really a compromise if I'm the only one giving in.... Please help!!! 

Frustrated

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Re: Help! Indian Traditions?

  • DFWIndianDFWIndian
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    One big thing with all of us is picking and choosing your battles. We are Christian Indians so I'll give it from my perspective..
    My parents gave up on me at 25. Apparently for us that is past your prime. Don't worry about that and I feel your pain! Way to hold out girl

    Invitations: Yes, it can be normal to do this. We had two sent out and all of the RSVPs just came back to my parents house (for number purposes). One had his parents as the primary one as mine. Reason for this is it states " Mr. and Mrs. so and so invite you to the wedding of their son to girl of choosing daughter of Mr. and Mrs. what's her face" It's the wording that we are inviting our people and they invite theirs.

    Bridal shower: Sometimes this happens. Best thing is invite them since she's willing to ask and if they show they show if not don't worry about it. Either way you'll have a great time.

    Dealing with them in general: Indians are subborn. Watch out they will push you a lot and you just honestly need thick skin. Timing yes we are late people in general. In college we use to call it ISD time or Indian Standard Time when we talked about the timing for events. It's annoying and can frustrate people, but just plan for what ever time you need, maybe tell the Indians it's 30 mins before that and you are golden. lol

    Normal custom for us the bride's family pays for the whole wedding. That's why it's probably like that. We did 50% initially (FI and I are really paying) because we followed American customs.

    Your brother getting married is a HUGE deal in India. My cousin got married there and his sister's wouldn't be in the bridal party either, but man they were decked out for the wedding. It's high honor for your brother to be married. Don't take it personal. It's a cultural thing.
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  • temurlangtemurlang member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Planning a cross-cultural wedding has a ton of complications to it, mostly unpleasant.  We had two weddings, one Christian, one Hindu, and receptions in four cities (1 here, 3 in India) to accommodate all the "requirements."  Was this a ridiculous use of money?  Yes.  Was there a better option?  Not really.

    Timing:
    Indians just don't have the same outlook on time as Americans do.  This concerned me for our wedding.  The groom, however, was there early, and you can start if he and the priest have arrived.  Also, in the US you don't have a lot of choice on timing.  When you book the church they give you a fairly narrow slot and you have to finish.  We were 15 minutes late in starting and I don't think they would have let us wait longer.  People came in late and some missed the ceremony, but I didn't notice them and it's their problem.

    Bridal shower:
    I'm American, and my family is like that too.  I let DH know that his friends shouldn't expect their wives to be invited.  You might have a better time at your shower if your ILs aren't there!  I thought it's really nice of you to invite them.

    Paying:
    Traditionally, Americans expect the bride's family to pay.  My parents paid for most of our wedding in the US, and we paid for all the stuff in India.  I do think that if you are paying you should get what you want with in reason.  My parents paid SO THAT they could have what they wanted.

    Invitations:
    Invitations were the source of a never-ending drama in our wedding.  As my parents contributed, they wanted to be "the hosts," which is fine.  Then my ILs wanted to be "the hosts" of all the India events.  My parents were offended that we were paying but they were named on the invite.  Two of the invitations weren't printed in English.  My parents were offended.   I ended up sending out a separate set of invitations.  Sorry, this is wedding planning!

    SILs:
    In every American wedding I have ever heard about, when the groom's sister is in the WP, she is the problem BM.  My SIL did a ton of weird stuff at our wedding (and in general).  I think you should be glad she doesn't want to be a BM.  As the bride, you do get to choose what the BMs wear.
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  • KomboKombo
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks so much for your advice!!  I just feel kind of alone in this whole thing,  everytime I ask my FI questions about the wedding he tells me to ask his mom.  On their invites the starting ceremony at 3:30. Part of me wants to put 4:00 on my invititations but I'm scared to and she told me she thinks her fam would be on time.  Our wedding will be 230 guests and I really don't want a huge mess with this timing issue.  I may ask her one last time before ordering my invitations to double check.  Do you suggest putting 30 minutes later on my invites??!

    I bite my tongue when dealing with all of these issues, but his FMIL seems very negative.  She has already told my FI that when I have babies (and she wants them soon just like my mom!!)  that I am going to keep the baby away from her.   I have not given her any reason to say this.  I think she feels that her son is moving out and I am stealing him away..he actually asurred me once that is exactly how they feel.  Since we both work daytime I let him know that we probably need her to babysit so there is no way of that being true.   I'm just trying to stay positive and am trying to keep my  and FIs relationship strong :)
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  • temurlangtemurlang member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Is the ceremony supposed to start at 3:30?  If it is, you should put that on the invitations.  Again, I'm not sure that the church is actually going to let you start as late as 4:00.  While you should wait for your FI's parents, you don't have to make sure everyone is present before you start.  If you think your family will be really upset about the timing, you should let them know things might run a little late.  Honestly, I have Swedish relatives and even their weddings don't start on the dot.  With American weddings, 15 minutes seems normal.

    About your FMIL:  how long have you known her?  How did she feel about her son choosing you?  If you got engaged recently and/or she wanted him to marry inside their community, maybe she needs some time to adjust to the idea.  How does she behave with other people?  Maybe she's just rude  across the board (my MIL is peculiar, but it's not about me, she does the same things to everyone).  My MIL is also a drama queen, and I think yours might be too.
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  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The invite thing is normal and not to offend you. As for paying, I think my paying probably because I'm their daughter and they want to give me away in the way they would want to. I'm their only girl.
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  • bridetobeeebridetobeee member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Kombo,

    A friend told me that if the fiance and you can get through wedding planning, you can get through anything. Drama with the in-laws is going to be there no matter what. There are so many people involved, so many emotions, so much money and a lot of "what will they think? what will he think?"...and this equals a ton of stress.

    But, stay strong! Try to keep the peace but also remember, this is YOUR wedding day so you get to have things you want. See if you can sit your fiance down and talk to him about how you are feeling. Be careful in speaking with him because men get extremely defensive if anything remotely negative is said about their mother. And, the best thing to do, which I wish I did was to have ALL wedding related communication go through your fiance. Like, if you really want to start the ceremony at a certain time, discuss with your fiance, find a time both of you agree on and have him relay the message that it is what he decided too. It is a lot harder for you to disagree with his parents. They can dislike you for disagreeing but even if they disagree with their son, they will always forgive him and deal with his decisions. Talk to your fiance to see if he can help you out and remind him that a wedding is a ONE day event but family relations last a lifetime and you really need his help and participation in making sure things will be smooth before, during and after the wedding. Good luck! Stay strong! And, married life is way way way better than wedding planning. My hubby and I are super super happy now that all the wedding stuff is over!!
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  • KomboKombo
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    The ceremony is supposed to start at 3:30 but the pastor himself told me that they waited an hour before for another bride and groom to show up to begin the wedding.  I'm just going to put 3:30 and people will have to deal with it I guess. 

    My FMIL is agrressive, she is definitely the alpha male in the relationship. His dad is a mute and never talks or cracks a smile ( I don't take him personal because he just seems like a quite guy in general)  . I've known her for 9 months and I know she would have loved to hand pick an Indian bride so I know it will take time to adjust.  I just hope that eventually they truly accept me.  One minute my FI says they like me the next he says it doesn't matter how hard I try that they hate me since I'm not Indian. He actually went to India 5 months after we met and I know his mom wanted to find him a bride luckily nothing worked out there.   

    This is my FMIL:
    Me:  I can't  wait to have a little baby girl!!!
    Her: Boys are better
    Me: Girls are soo cute, FI wants a little girl too :)
    Her: Little girls are bitches,  boys just play and have fun girls are little bitches that don't like to share toys.  They are all little bitches.
    Me: jaw dropping!!!!
    Me: Well it really depends on how you raise your child!

    Seriously, I was in shock and my FSIL was sitting there and agreed with her..because they are both teachers and they know how kids are??!!  This is the person I'm dealing with!!!!  I don't know any person that would talk about a little child like this, especially a person that is sooo excited to be a grandmother.  In my culture boys are the preference, I get it, but my mom would never curse like this.. I have no clue!!   This mentality expains why the FSIL is a major jerk!

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  • KomboKombo
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Brideto beee Thanks so much...your words are inspiring!! :)  I was beginning to worry if this is a start of a daily struggle.  I want to have a happy married life and not be on edge ..Good to hear that it will get better after the wedding!! I'm looking forward to it! 

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  • temurlangtemurlang member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_indian-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:b3484f28-ff0f-4ba0-8595-931d6631c2fbPost:968a4107-3f7a-4d85-a155-88ef0f35a547">Re: Help! Indian Traditions?</a>:
    [QUOTE]  My FMIL is agrressive, she is definitely the alpha male in the relationship. His dad is a mute and never talks or cracks a smile ( I don't take him personal because he just seems like a quite guy in general)  . I've known her for 9 months and I know she would have loved to hand pick an Indian bride so I know it will take time to adjust.  I just hope that eventually they truly accept me.  One minute my FI says they like me the next he says it doesn't matter how hard I try that they hate me since I'm not Indian. He actually went to India 5 months after we met and I know his mom wanted to find him a bride luckily nothing worked out there.    This is my FMIL: Me:  I can't  wait to have a little baby girl!!! Her: Boys are better Me: Girls are soo cute, FI wants a little girl too :) Her: Little girls are bitches,  boys just play and have fun girls are little bitches that don't like to share toys.  They are all little bitches. Me: jaw dropping!!!! Me: Well it really depends on how you raise your child! Seriously, I was in shock and my FSIL was sitting there and agreed with her..because they are both teachers and they know how kids are??!!  This is the person I'm dealing with!!!!  I don't know any person that would talk about a little child like this, especially a person that is sooo excited to be a grandmother.  In my culture boys are the preference, I get it, but my mom would never curse like this.. I have no clue!!   This mentality expains why the FSIL is a major jerk!
    Posted by Kombo[/QUOTE]

    Some thoughts on your FMIL:

    1.  How she acts with you has nothing to do with you.  Meaning, if she had arranged her son's marriage, chances are she'd be equally nasty to the girl she picked.  If she calls children b****es in casual conversation, then that's her personality and no reflection on you.  Most of DH's friends had arranged marriages, and their wives have all the same complaints about their MILs as I do, and some much worse.

    2.  It sounds like your FMIL is trying to start a fight.  You want to stay out of that!  Try to not have the conversation.  For example, instead of saying "girls are cute" in that conversation, try ending it with a statement like "a child is a great blessing" or "of course I want a child just like FI" or "God willing, we'll have a baby soon."  That way you're not agreeing with her, but it kind of kills her fight.  Especially dragging her son and God into it.  She's trying to make you look bad by forcing the argument.
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  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sometimes I just ignore my mother in law. She can continue to say whatever she likes...but at times, I just turn her off and carry on looking at her as if I'm really paying attention. Learn to do that and you'll be so much happier!
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