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Maid MIA...

xBinaruxBinaru
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I have three bridesmaids, including my MOA. Two of my bridesmaids have been incredible in helping me find various things and planning and what-not but I have one that just seems to be MIA.....She helped out for the Bridal Shower a bit, from what my other Maids tell me (it was a surprise so I had no part in planning) but she was 'unable' to help pay for anything and is now saying she is 'unable' to pay to join the rest of us at a beach house for my Batchelorette weekend (it's not a lot of money, under 100$) for three days. 

However, she's out almost every other night at bars spending money on food and drinks but she claims she is 'unable' to pay when it comes to anything wedding related. I don't hear from her much, even when trying to contact her via text or Facebook. I'm just worried that she'll show up for the wedding and disappear. 

I want to talk to her about this, voice my concerns but the day of the wedding is very soon and I don't want to cause a blow up and lose a maid...what should I do?
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Re: Maid MIA...

  • Miss EsaMiss Esa member
    100 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    All she has to do is buy her dress and show up on time for the wedding.
    Its not the destination so much as the journey, they say. - Captain Jack Sparrow Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • April+ChristopherApril+Christopher member
    First Comment
    Def sit down and talk to her. Ive had similar problems with my FI sisters who are maids too, they have done nothing but exspect roylity treatment on everything. She might have problems to and doesnt know how to voice them to you. Def hear her out and find a solution. Good luck. Remember its your day and you deserve to be happy and have a worry free wedding day.
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  • xBinaruxBinaru
    First Comment
    She's a very good friend so I want her more involved and I'm hurt that she says she has no money to help or join in but apparently spends it all at the bar...

    I do know her boyfriend is in England for a few months and that's upsetting her, she misses him but it's beyond that. She's on the verge of obsessive with this boy...
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-mia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8afa54d9-5e9d-4308-a2ea-6f71a1efc2f0Post:ea80e4a2-5a92-41b1-9c51-d609ef91cb07">Re: Maid MIA...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>She's a very good friend so I want her more involved and I'm hurt that she says she has no money to help or join in but apparently spends it all at the bar</strong>... I do know her boyfriend is in England for a few months and that's upsetting her, she misses him but it's beyond that. She's on the verge of obsessive with this boy...
    Posted by xBinaru[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I know it's frustrating, but you can't tell her how to spend her money. 

    </div>
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-mia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8afa54d9-5e9d-4308-a2ea-6f71a1efc2f0Post:85e8c551-fa61-4149-bc26-4e8b9fa7770f">Re: Maid MIA...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Def sit down and talk to her. Ive had similar problems with my FI sisters who are maids too, they have done nothing but exspect roylity treatment on everything. She might have problems to and doesnt know how to voice them to you. Def hear her out and find a solution. Good luck. Remember its your day and you deserve to be happy and have a worry free wedding day.
    Posted by April+Christopher[/QUOTE]
    Terrible advice.  Don't do this.  There is no solution that needs to be found.  She does not need to spend money on the wedding aside from the dress, which should have been chosen with her budget in mind.



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  • ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderfulifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    When I read the title that she was MIA I assumed she didn't show up on the day of your wedding because that's really all she has to do.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-mia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8afa54d9-5e9d-4308-a2ea-6f71a1efc2f0Post:ea80e4a2-5a92-41b1-9c51-d609ef91cb07">Re: Maid MIA...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>She's a very good friend so I want her more involved and I'm hurt that she says she has no money to help or join in but apparently spends it all at the bar</strong>... I do know her boyfriend is in England for a few months and that's upsetting her, she misses him but it's beyond that. <strong>She's on the verge of obsessive with this boy</strong>...
    Posted by xBinaru[/QUOTE]

    You need to lower your expectations.  You may want her to be more involved but the world is not perfect and you don't always get what you want.  You need to happy with what she has participated in and that one of your great friends will be standing next to you on your wedding day...becasue that is really all she has to do anyways.

    You can't tell someone what they can do with their own money.  It is their money not yours so butt out.

    As for the last bolded part, that was a bit rude.  She misses her boyfriend are you telling me that if your FI had to live in a different country for a few months you wouldn't be upset and missing the hell out of him.  Give her a break.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-mia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8afa54d9-5e9d-4308-a2ea-6f71a1efc2f0Post:908c30be-6e22-4c73-a06a-f2efa91bceb1">Maid MIA...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have three bridesmaids, including my MOA. Two of my bridesmaids have been incredible in helping me find various things and planning and what-not but I have one that just seems to be MIA.....She helped out for the Bridal Shower a bit, from what my other Maids tell me (it was a surprise so I had no part in planning) but she was 'unable' to help pay for anything and is now saying she is 'unable' to pay to join the rest of us at a beach house for my Batchelorette weekend (it's not a lot of money, under 100$) for three days.  However, she's out almost every other night at bars spending money on food and drinks but she claims she is 'unable' to pay when it comes to anything wedding related. I don't hear from her much, even when trying to contact her via text or Facebook. I'm just worried that she'll show up for the wedding and disappear.  I want to talk to her about this, voice my concerns but the day of the wedding is very soon and I don't want to cause a blow up and lose a maid...what should I do?
    Posted by xBinaru[/QUOTE]

    Honestly? There is nothing to talk to her about. If she shows up on time for your wedding, in the agreed upon dress, she will be fulfilling her duties. Any thing else she does, such as helping with the setup of the shower, is extra.

    If your friend says she can't afford to attend your bp, you must take her at her word. It's not up to you to judge how she spends her money and you will be happier if you don't think about that.

    If you are concerned that the friendship is in trouble, then that's what you should talk to her about. But it really sounds to me, like it's more of a financial issue for her. She has reached her limit on what she is willing to spend on your wedding related stuff. When's the last time you met up with this friend for drinks, dinner, coffee? Maybe she'd like to spend some none wedding related time with you.
                       
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  • kikirst33kikirst33 member
    100 Comments
    The only obligation your BM and MOH have for your wedding is to show up on the day of in their dress.  If your BM/MOH offer to help that is wonderful and more than they have to do. 

    I would not say a word to your friend. If she has purchased the dress and is planning on showing up the day-of then she has met her obligation to you.  Having a talk with her about how she spends her money and time could damage your friendship.
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  • renegade gauchorenegade gaucho member
    100 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its
    You shouldn't expect other people to spend money because you and your fiance made a decision to get married.  Sure, it's nice when your friends throw parties for you, but it's a gift, not a requirement.  It sounds like she put some effort into the bridal shower, even though she couldn't make a monetary contribution, and you should be appreciative of that.

    And even if it's affordable, I'm not a fan of bachelor and bachelorette parties that last for several days.  I usually attend events like that when invited, but to be honest I think it's kind of unreasonable to expect people to block out that much time for your wedding.
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  • xBinaruxBinaru
    First Comment
    I think it's unnecessary for some of the rude comments but I am thankful for the advice, I don't expect her to pay a bunch of money to participate and you're right that I am not one to tell her what to do with her money. I was just concerned with what I should do. Her saying she has no money for one thing but then going and spending this supposed non-existant money elsewhere was a bit hurtful but it's her money and her choice. 

    Again, I do appreciate the advice but do not appreciate the rudeness that was expressed by some people. I'm not some snobby bride-to-be who wants her friends to drop everything for her and do what she wants. I'm fine with constructive critisism and will admit when I'm wrong. 

    Thanks again.
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  • renegade gauchorenegade gaucho member
    100 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its
    Who was rude?
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-mia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8afa54d9-5e9d-4308-a2ea-6f71a1efc2f0Post:a5fcac7c-31d4-4935-93f8-4fe43e4b5395">Re: Maid MIA...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it's unnecessary for some of the rude comments but I am thankful for the advice, I don't expect her to pay a bunch of money to participate and you're right that I am not one to tell her what to do with her money. I was just concerned with what I should do. Her saying she has no money for one thing but then going and spending this supposed non-existant money elsewhere was a bit hurtful but it's her money and her choice.  Again, I do appreciate the advice but do not appreciate the rudeness that was expressed by some people. I'm not some snobby bride-to-be who wants her friends to drop everything for her and do what she wants. I'm fine with constructive critisism and will admit when I'm wrong.  Thanks again.
    Posted by xBinaru[/QUOTE]

    You did get constructive criticism. Nobody was rude.
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  • myrinaemyrinae member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
    If she is a very good friend, I would be more concerned about her well being and being there for her when she is obviously having a hard time with the fact that her boyfriend is out of the country. When you talk to her, I would refrain from talking about wedding related things. Just be a friend and see how you can be there for her. Maybe she needs that more than she does someone telling her she needs to pony up money for you. You don't know what her budget is like. She may have money set aside for her to go out and have fun--why should she have to spend that where you want it spent?

    And there's a big difference between people being rude and honest. No one here was rude--they were just giving honest opinions. :)

    Totally off topic, but I love reading stuff on different boards when I can't sleep. I just have to say that everytime I come across your sig, Maggie, I smile--your elegant pose and beautiful bouquet and then seeing the football--love it. 

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  • ZeroOrchestraZeroOrchestra member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to Re:Maid MIA...:[QUOTE]I think it's unnecessary for some of the rude comments but I am thankful for the advice, I don't expect her to pay a bunch of money to participate and you're right that I am not one to tell her what to do with her money. I was just concerned with what I should do. Her saying she has no money for one thing but then going and spending this supposed nonexistant money elsewhere was a bit hurtful but it's her money and her choice.nbsp;Again, I do appreciate the advice but do not appreciate the rudeness that was expressed by some people. I'm not some snobby bridetobe who wants her friends to drop everything for her and do what she wants. I'm fine with constructive critisism and will admit when I'm wrong.nbsp;Thanks again. Posted by xBinaru[/QUOTE]

    She's says she is unable to pay for these things. That does not equal money being nonexistent, it just means she does not want to spend it on things related to your wedding, and that is her choice.
    photo stringerbell_zps0f292e80.jpg Married! in New Orleans
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  • xchorba10xchorba10
    First Comment
    I understand what you're saying, it can be frustrating and hurtful but honestly there comes a point where you have to stop expecting other people to be like you. I don't mean that in a rude way, just in a "not everyone has the same priorities as you" kind of way. I have a similar bm but I've just given up comparing her to my other bm's, because it's not fair. My other bm's have gone above and beyond (called that for a reason), so it makes this other girl look bland but really she is just doing the basics. So long as everyone is content and your "friend" is not activly sabotaging you I think you are going to be a-ok. Weddings tend to envelope you so just imagine when it's all over, this friend of yours might invite you out to one of her drinking nights! :D
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