Should I have her as a bridesmaid?

coltonandresa · February 2010

I have a sticky situation which I could explain for hours but I won't, I'll try to keep this as short as possible!

I am 23 years old. I was best friends with a girl from the age of 14 to 21. We made the mistake of becoming roommates in college and lived together for three years. This helped me realize that she is a very selfish person and I started to hate her. She's been dating my brother the same amount of time that I have been dating my fiance (almost 6 years). So she's always around whether I like her or not. We grew apart and went our separate ways but I still see her ALL the time because of my brother. We are very civil with each other and actually have fun when we hang out. But in the back of my mind I know who she really is and how selfish she is and I don't like her character.

We don't talk about our "falling out". I think that some day in the future we may become close again because we will be family (my brother is proposing in a week), we will probably have kids close in age, and we have fun together. So I wonder if I should have her in my bridal party because we have a history together and will probably be close later on in life.

When I write this out it sounds stupid. I shouldn't have her in my bridal party because she has screwed me over so many times and has never been there for me or cared for me feelings. I have always been a people pleaser though and I would rather sacrifice some things to risk hurting someone else's feelings.

When my fiance and I got engaged she was hugging me and telling me how excited she was for us (which seemed fake). I feel like she is waiting for me to ask her to be a part of my wedding and then I'm like wtf, how can you even expect that with how you've treated me in the past?

My wedding is 9 months away. I have some time to think about it but I don't feel like my thoughts will become any clearer with time. Will I regret not asking her? I'm not the type of person to sit down and talk about my feelings with others so talking to her is not the answer for me. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do or what would your advice be for me?

gottahavashorti · February 2010

Based on what you've said, it doesn't sound like she's one of your closest friends or like you absolutely want her to be in your bridal party.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

I think you overthink. Knee jerk reaction: Do you want her in the WP? That's your answer.

I would also point out that since she's your FSIL she's going to be at the wedding as well as (probably) all the pre-wedding events. Is it that much extra to ask her to hold a bouquet and buy the dress? It's up to you if you think it's worth it. I don't think that she's "owed" a spot in your WP, but when it comes to family (or future family) you have to ask yourself whether the drama of not asking her (which may or may not exist here) is worth not having her in the wedding. Only you know how that balances out.

emilyinchile · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-her-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4abae316-8330-4989-819e-06f8c614b29cPost:55bf2d97-1d25-42ec-99b1-71e55b86a602">Should I have her as a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]I shouldn't have her in my bridal party because she has screwed me over so many times and has never been there for me or cared for me feelings.
Posted by coltonandresa[/QUOTE]

This, for me, is your answer.

The only reason I would change this is as Brooke said, if your entire family will see this as a huge slight. If your FSIL will be a little hurt, that's fine, she's a grown up and can deal, but if this is going to cause major family drama, it might be worth asking her.

mbcdefg · February 2010

Since you are asking whether or not to have her, IMO that's a pretty clear sign that you shouldn't. If you have to talk yourself into it or get outside opinions, I don't think that's a good reason to ask someone.

Plus, on this board, it seems like we very rarely see anyone saying, "Gee, I wish I'd asked [person] to be a BM" (unless they excluded a good friend to keep the sides even and later regretted it). More often than not, any bridal party regrets on this board seem to be, "I wish I had not asked [person] because we're not that close" or "I wish I had not asked her because her prior bad qualities seemed to come out even more during my engagement." You can always add someone after you ask other people, if you feel that you've developed a closer, better relationship.

I debated asking a few other people, but since I felt like I was talking myself into asking them then I refrained. And now I'm glad I didn't.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

The only thing that sticks with me is that she will soon be your SIL. If that's the case, you are going to have some sort of relationship with her forever. Granted, I come from a family/circle where sisters and SILs get asked regardless, so that's probably swaying me.

If she's really horrible to you, no way. But if she's making an effort to have a cordial relationship with you, albeit a surface one, I would probably consider it. I voted follow your heart, and that's the best I've got.

krmabojo · February 2010

I can see why you would feel like sh eneeds to be there, because she is going to be family eventually. You know you both had a falling out. She knows you both had a falling out. I would say follow your gut, and your gut sounds like you really do not want to give her a WP position- and that is okay!

banana468 · February 2010

Well, she will be AT your wedding based on her relationship with your brother.

However, I'd talk with the family to see how involved she 'needs' to be. Can she do a reading instead?

jeannigirl · February 2010

Personally I say no you don't have to have her be a BM just because she's your brothers girlfriend/fiance. She can come has a guest.

littlemoments324 · February 2010

I think that you do NOT need to ask her to be a BM...obviously you've had a falling out and your personal relationship suffered. You aren't as close to her anymore and like megk8oz said asking her to be in the wedding party isn't going to salvage your relationship with her. Also, the only reason you see her now is because she is in a relationship with your brother. I wouldn't feel obligated to ask her to be in the wedding for that reason.

If you do feel obligated to have her be a part of the wedding, like others have said, have her do a reading, be a hostess, or don't have her do anything at all. It is YOUR wedding so do what you feel is best for you and your FI.

debdebdol · February 2010

I think this is a tough decision to make and ultimately you should have who YOU want as your BM's. When we first announced our engagement, my FI asked my brother to be a GM because they are really close. My brother then asked him if his girlfriend could be a BM. My FI told me about this and I was like, heck no! My brother has been with her for about 7 years and not once has she attended a family function, or said hi when she see's me. She is not the friendliest person, or best girlfriend for that matter. I have decided not to ask her to be a BM. I will only have 3 BM's and 1 MOH and that is it! I am sorry but she will not be a BM. At first I felt obligated to ask her to be a BM, since she and my brother are engaged, but I don't want any drama at my wedding.

They will be getting married in a few years, and I have a STRONG feeling that she will not ask me to be a BM, so I don't feel so bad for not asking her to be in mine.

Should I have her as a bridesmaid?

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