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Inlaws want us to postpone

irishtheatrechicirishtheatrechic member
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in Just Engaged and Proposals
My fiance and I have been together a little over 18 months. We just got engaged and chose a date for next September 2011. All I have heard from his mom is that we are rushing things and need to postpone. She has even offered to call my parents and explain to them why we are so wrong. She keeps saying we shouldn't get married in a year, we should wait until we are both in our careers for several years and comfortable before we even PLAN the wedding. I think she is crazy and find all this talk really hurtful; my fiance keeps saying "I don't understand it but if its no big deal to wait then why not to keep her happy?" I feel like we should call the shots to our own life. Am I crazy? What do I do? This is seriously sucking all the happiness out of being engaged.

BTW- we picked a date, location, photographer and I picked a dress before she said anything
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Re: Inlaws want us to postpone

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    irishtheatrechicirishtheatrechic member
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    Background info-
    I am 27, he is 28. He is finishing his BA ( and will be done by next May). I am a teacher in NJ, although currently not working as a teacher due to budget cuts. I am working as an administrative assistant. He works part time and goes to school.  Her first son married a girl he had been dating for 10 years so maybe that is coloring her view? We have both said we knew we wanted to marry each other after a month of dating. We have been living together for a year now.

    I think she is very comfortable with everyone doing as she says and doesn't like that her son is making his own decisions. But its not like we are 18!!

    Hope that helps!
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
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    Honestly, I think your FI definitely (and possibly you) really need to sit down and have a chat with her. Explain that this is your wedding, and you are making plans that you are going ahead with. Try to figure out what her concerns are. Also, I'd talk with your FI some more first and make sure he's really on board 100% for September 2011.

    I do think this is your decision to make as a couple. So if he decides to wait, then you'll need to wait with him to marry him. But I think you have a valid concern. Do be polite with her though. Is your FI her youngest/last son? Maybe that's why? If you were younger I would be more cautious, but 27 and 28 with jobs sounds settled enough. There will never be a "perfect" time in your life to get married.
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    LuluP82LuluP82 member
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    Agree with the ladies concerned about wishy-washy FI. I think it's a MAJOR red flag that he wants to appease her.

    Talk to him first, then tell her to butt out. None of her business. And she shouldn't be offering to call your parents to discuss; you're not 13 and going to a dance together, you're adults getting married.

    Honestly...if he thinks this is normal, you're in for a long, long life of MIL conflicts.
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    skyler1108skyler1108
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    May she is just worried about where the two of you will be financially with FI still in school and only working part time. I think you both need to talk with her and tell her what she has been saying is hurting your feelings and get a direct and real answer as to why you two should wait. Do no accept and answer like she has been giving you but why she feels that way as in "I think you should wait until you are both in your careers for a few years so you will be more financially stable". Talking out your issues is the best way to start solving them but everyone needs to put their feelings and concerns on the table first.
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    megk8ozmegk8oz member
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    edited September 2010
    There's a few things I have issues with here:

    1) She's offering to "call your parents" to explain why you 2 shouldn't get married yet. Um, why on earth does she think it's even remotely appropriate to "offer" something like that? And what is that even supposed to accomplish?

    2) That your FI is willing to push the wedding back just to "make her happy". To me, him going along with her protests to appease her is a waaaaaaaaay bigger issue than her actual protests. You're supposed to be the #1 lady in his life, and if he's putting her feelings before yours now, trust me, it's not going to get any better once you actually are married and start having kids.

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    afloggieafloggie member
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    I think your FI needs to talk to his parents. You are both old enough to make your own decisions
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    ogrady88ogrady88 member
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    Agree with PPs.  The much bigger issue is his wanting to wait and willingness to give in to his mother's concerns.  Whether FMIL likes it or not, you two are now a family unit and thus you make important life decisions together.  It can be a difficult thing for parents, and maybe she does need some time, but ultimately it is up to you and FI.  I would talk to him, not just about his mother's request but also his hesitation as well.
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    irishtheatrechicirishtheatrechic member
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    Thanks everyone for the advice! We have decided to push the date back 6 months to help her adjust, but we aren't giving up our ceremony or reception sites. We just love them too much. And FI is having a HUGE talk with his mom about decisions etc
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    LadyArkhamLadyArkham member
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    Yay! Good on you for being willing to compromise - and good on your FI for doing what he needs to to set his mom straight about your lives.
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