Super Stressed and discouraged!

Re: Super Stressed and discouraged!

• kd137108 member

  

  April 2011

  My fiance and I are kind of in the same boat. I work part time as a waitress to help pay for my college books but he has been applying for MONTHS at various places (he has a certification in culinary arts; the restaurants that hires more professional cooks says no because of lack of experience and restaurants that could careless if you could cook or not say no because he could get paid more... UGH!!!!!!). We're both working on our undergrad programs and both want to go to graduate school (neither wants to put it off). We've been looking at schools that are close to each other and have both of our programs but until we apply and get accepted we have no official plans for the future.

  
  

  I know exactly how you feel... I HATE not knowing things and not having plans.

  
  

  About the talking to your fiance, make sure you're coming at him in a non combative, non forceful way. Try to bring it up causally and explain where you're coming from. My fiance has a go-with-the-flow attitude and didn't want to talk about this but I explained that I needed to and we did.

  
  

  Good luck with everything.

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• eks36 member

  

  April 2011

  First of all, I certainly feel for you. My fiance and I are both soon to finish grad school and we're not too well off, ourselves. There's plenty of anxiety (mostly on my side of things--I'm the very Type A one in our relationship!) about finding jobs and figuring out where we're going to live. It's tough and this economy doesn't make things any easier. That being said, things will work out somehow. 

  
  

  A bigger concern to me when reading your post is that your fiance just doesn't want to talk about finances and future planning. No matter how scary unknowns might be, you two should talk it out soon. Is it that he's worried that he won't be able to find a job? Maybe there's something else (who knows what) that is causing him to avoid the discussion. Or maybe it's how or when the subject is approached? Perhaps finances tend to come up at times when he's already really stressed or very tired and that's why he's avoiding it? I can't know without being in your shoes, but I wish I could help you out.

  
  

  Like I said, I feel for you, as I think we're all at least a little stressed out about finances and where we'll be living/working, etc. Believe me when I say I've been applying to jobs like crazy over the last few weeks and I'm anxious to hear back from anyone who might be interested in hiring me!

  
  

  Also, with regards to your wedding:  I had a long engagement, too, and don't stress, you have plenty of time to plan! It took us until this past August to find the right venue. Remember, some couples plan weddings with only weeks to spare--you have lots of time yet! If you're worried about paying for your wedding, just plan things a little smaller and start shopping for good deals now. It's amazing all the little ways you can save! If you're crafty or have a friend/family member who is, DIY, if done right, can be a huge money-saver. I also have discovered that it's a great stress-reliever. Granted, there were times when I should have been doing coursework that I was making boutonnieres and things instead, but now they're done and I don't have to worry about them later!

  
  

  Good luck! You'll get through it all!

  

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• gabby_hartz

  

  April 2011

  My mind is a little bit more at ease. I was being dramatic when i said he doesnt talk about it because he does. I just think hes worrying about finishing school and finding a job. He said hes nervous that he wont be able to give me the kind of wedding and home that I want. Which is nice, but we still need to figure it out. lol. gotta love him

  

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• eks36 member

  

  April 2011

  Having a long engagement helped me to put things into perspective. Initially I had grand ideas of all of these things we could have for our wedding, but eventually I realized that we didn't have much of a budget and I got more realistic. Somewhere along the way, I realized what mattered the most to me was that I was getting married to the man I love. While I'll be glad to have my loved ones there, the most important thing, above everything else is that he's there. The rest is just extras. If you really, really can't come up with money to hold a reception and all that, you can always have a simple and intimate, immediate family-only wedding, followed by a nice dinner. Nothing wrong with that! 

  
  

  PS:  we're having a relatively small wedding--looking to have about 50 people total

  

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• peekaboo2011 member

  

  April 2011

  Money is the reason we're waiting so long to get married.  FI is graduating from grad school this May, and I'm graduating from undergrad.  We're both so broke it's not even funny.  And I'm going to grad school, so we're going to be long distance.  Even if we were going to be together, we'd probably still have a super long engagement because we want the big huge wedding (we really don't have much choice...family=crazy).  He keeps applying for jobs, but keeps not getting interviewed or called back because despite his degree, he has no experience.  It's driving me batty.  

  
  

  But, we've talked about it.  We're beating a dead horse when we talk about it at this point.  Depending on your situation, if you really don't have any money saved up, it might be good to set a budget and decide how much goes into the wedding savings every month.  And maybe push the wedding back so that he has time to find a job.  I know it would upset FI to no end if we were about a year out and had no money to book vendors.  I'm not saying that''s your situation, I just know that's what we would do.  

  
  

  Good Luck!

  I french with my man
  
  

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• NotColloquial

  

  April 2011

  Alright, you need to slow down. A lot can change in that kind of time, and you realliy don't need to be doing anything for your wedding until around 8 months out. At all. Looking at places is all good and nice, but you should only be looking.
  
  FI graduated college last year, I still have a year left. within that one year he got an amazing job (which took him almost 6 months to find so just keep your chin up and have faith) and things have turned around for us. You can put on an amazing wedding for a budget but you need to just relax right now.
  
  I get why he doesn't want to talk about finances, I wouldn't want to either. Let him graduate and start job hunting first. That will still give you plenty of time to talk about these things before the wedding... Trust me, all you will do by discussing these things now is stress him out and create tension between you both.
  

  

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• futuremrscoachj member

  

  April 2011

  You have 16 months. Some people meet, get engaged, and get married in 14 months. Like the PP said, sooo much can change. Take a breath, enjoy being engaged, let him graduate, and start planning when he gets a job.

  
  

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