Thank you

alorrainenap · January 2010

Thank you all for your input. I greatly appreciate it.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-bridesmaid-decline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6cb2ee5b-8996-4f90-aa3f-ebe4bb583480Post:9630356e-df8e-4110-9e98-69fc1defe82f">Need advice, bridesmaid decline</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, this is a long and drawn out story so I'm going to try to make it as short as possible. My fiance and I met at a wedding a little over six months ago. Total fairytale- he was a groomsman and I was a bridesmaid. He was a looong time friend of the groom and I of the bride. We met and sparks flew instantly and we've been inseperable ever since. After we started dating, we started "double dating" with our friends. Sort of having married fun nights. When we had first discussed marriage, they were quickly appointed bridesmaid and groomsman. About four months into our friends' marriage, the husband started an affair with a woman from another state. My fiance, who is divorced because his first wife had numerous affairs, told his friend that what he was doing to his wife was not cool at all. They went out to talk about it, get the whole side of the story and try to help. According to my fiance it seemed rather hopeless. I, obviosuly, was with my friend every step of the way. Letting her cry to me, rant to me, dish new details, and just all around be miserable every single day for the duration of the affair. He has ended the affair within the past month, and according to her, everything is back to normal. Like it never happened. I'm happy for her that the pain is over, I just wanted to make sure she was okay and not letting him off easy but that I backed her either way. Whether she left him or stayed with him. My fiance's friendship, however, has come to a stand still. His friend, the husband, accuses my fiance of abandoning him in his time of need. That I said too many bad things behind his back and all my fiance did was listen to me instead of be there for him as a friend. They are working on things, but it's nowhere near ideal or back to normal for them. Yesterday, the wife and I had lunch where we discussed the current standings. She told me that she could no longer be a bridesmaid for me while my fiance and her husband are on such poor standings. She would still attend the wedding, with her husband, and support us in that sense. I gather that as long as her husband is not welcome in the bridal party due to his affair, she refuses to be in it herself. I don't know how to really take it. It hurt me that she would feel that way. I feel as though I am being punished for being a friend to her in her time of need. I don't want to push her, but eventually a time will come where I will need to know if she wants to be involved in the bridal party and make those preperations with me or not. My question, I suppose, do I try to discuss this with her? How long should I wait before needing an answer? I really just am clueless on how to handle this.
Posted by alorrainenap[/QUOTE]
Unless she's cutting all ties with you, she's not really "punishing" you. She's choosing her husband over you, yes, but that's pretty much how marriage works: this is the one person you would choose over anyone else in the world, and stand beside no matter what. When my brother and FI got into a stupid fight, my brother was a little offended that I automatically took FI's side, until I pointed out that he would automatically take his wife's side if she and I were having issues, because that's just how it works. And actually, once he realized that my mindset was less picking on him than supporting my partner, the whole thing blew over pretty quickly. Especially since she's been having marital troubles, her focus needs to be on her own relationship more than yours.

She's already given you her answer: she's removed herself from the bridal party. Continuing to press the issue is just going to cause both of you unnecessary pain. It's fine to be disappointed, but she's made what was likely a very difficult decision and you need to respect that. She can still help out as much as she chooses to, attend all of your pre-parties, and get ready with you on the wedding day, even if she's not wearing a special dress and holding a bouquet. She's made it clear that she still supports you, so you need to support her.

The mantra around here is: "Be a friend first, and a bride second." Keep the focus on your relationship with her, and the wedding issues will sort themselves out.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

Its ok to tell her that you are disappointed, but in the interest of not hurting the relationship between the 4 of you more, just let her do what she is more comfortable with. SHe still wants to be a guest, but I'm sure she is feeling very conflicted about her marriage and the friendship in general. Give her some time to get this whole mess figured out and to figure out where her own marriage is going.

I say just understand her position, and continue to be there for her.

banana468 · January 2010

I have to echo PPs. She's doing this out of her marriage so all you can really do is be there to support her and understand her as best you can.

She sounds like she's gone through some awful stuff so hopefully she can mend things and work on reparing her marriage if that is what she truly wants.

mbcdefg · January 2010

I very much doubt that she's doing this to "punish" you. I don't mean this in a mean-spirited way, but seeing as how her husband cheated on her, I would bet that being in your wedding is one of the last things on her mind right now. (Not because she dislikes you, but because her priorities and her thoughts are elsewhere.)

Trying to push her to remain a BM, even in a friendly way, isn't going to end well. Just accept her decision and move on. The invitation to be a BM is not a subpoena, so she has the right to decline the honor if she chooses.

Just say, "I'm really sorry that you're backing out. If you change your mind I'd love to have you up there with me, but if you feel that this is best for you then of course I understand."

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

There are a lot of things wrong with this story.

In any event, you ask someone if they would do you the honor of being your BM. You don't "appoint" them. If they decline, you live with it.

kathyjkane · January 2010

Forget this couple's involvement in the WP...I would cut ties with them altogether! Way too much drama. You and your FI should be surrounded by people who will lift you up, not weigh you down, especially in this stage of your lives...and I'm sorry, but why does your FI care so much? I understand that his ex cheated, but Jesus! I strongly recommend that you avoid them as much as possible. Sorry if I am being gruff...

That said, forget about having her in your WP. Tell her that you will still be there for her when she needs to talk, but that you understand and honor her decision (even if you do not feel that way now, you will be thankful later) and hope to see her at your wedding. Good luck!

pigeonol · January 2010

ehhhh- I would be thinking more like you. She should not come to you during her problems if she will not be there for you. If you can handle it go for it- yes you choose your husband and decided to always be there for them. But never forget your best friends is always my thing. Yeah- she picked him to be there through anything. I am fairly positive that one of those rules in no cheating- just saying.
It is personal to you- this guy just screwed up your wedding by not letting you have someone you really care about in it. If this was my best friend i would of been a little more firm with her. I would not chose someone who i can not acutally trust over someone who was there for me in my time of need.
All that said I say forget about them both in the wedding too. I mean if thats her choice then she made it. Don't let her ruin anything else of yours.
I am sorry this happened to you and i am sorry your friend is being this way.

trix1223 · January 2010

At the risk of being insensitive: this is NOT about you at all. You will still have a wedding. You will still have a WP. You will still have your "special" day.

Your friend's world has been rocked. Her DH cheated on her within months of their wedding. Her DH has lost a friendship, and is no longer in the WP. (Good call on your FI's part)

Of course she's not going to be puppy and rainbow happy about being in your wedding. She has a lot of work to do to save her own. Let this go. She's hardly punishing you. Sheesh.

She told you her decision. Be gracious enough to accept it and thank her for letting you know.

banana468 · January 2010

Pigeonol, I don't think this means she can't trust the BM. The BM is being forthright and honest with the bride right now.

But her focus, if she wants to fix her marriage MUST be on that. If DH and I were having marital issues, I'd have to put our marriage first.

Remember, if her goal is to save the marriage, she's going to be waking up next to this guy every day. As a friend, if she's treating her marriage well, you MUST come second. That doesn't mean she's a bad friend but she needs to prioritize what's best for her.

emilyinchile · January 2010

Pigeon, how is this "not being there for the bride"? BMs don't do anything more than friends in terms of emotional support - this girl can still be a friend even if she doesn't buy a BM dress and stand up front during the ceremony.

OP, PPs are right. If your friend wants to salvage her marriage, which it sounds like she does, she needs to stand with her husband right now. It's nothing against you, and as she said, she'll be there supporting you as a guest.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

especially when it was already quoted in a response. DOH!

alorrainenap · January 2010

Yknow, I deleted it because I got the advice you chose to give. I do not see how that is rude. Perhaps it is rude of you to jump on me for doing it. I appreciate the input that people gave, I am taking all of it into consideration, and I'm moving on. I would appreciate it if you would respect my action of deleting it for my own reasons.

banana468 · January 2010

Alorrainenap, the general netiquette rule is that if you delete your post after people took the time to respond to it, it's rude/bad netiquette. The reason is that it comes across as you no longer wanting to listen to the advice stated by the other people and/or as if you're not going to bother with it.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but many people before have deleted their OPs or the entire thread (back when you could) and leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of those who took the time to give friendly advice.

This may not be your situation, but please understand that you did "break" one of the netiquette rules so there can be some hurt feelings.

alorrainenap · January 2010

I understand what you are saying about the "netiquette." I am not a blogger, post-things type of person. I had a very personal dilema, I was taking it pretty hard, and I hoped I could some input. While some of what was given was helpful in showing me a different aspect of looking at the situation, one or so came across in a not so nice way. This entire issue in my life has been very hard, and outside of the bridesmaid situation, I am losing a lifelong friend due to an adulteror husband. I removed the post becuase I felt it was necessary. I did not do it to be rude or insensitive. I am sorry if that offends anyone.
Like I said previously, I am taking in all the advice and trying to use it to help me evaluate the situation in my life. I appreciate the feedback I received but do not appreciate being ridiculed for my decision.

Thank you

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