Moms and Maids

So is it ok to change bridesmaids?

When I first started planning my wedding I chose my sisters and a four of my closest friends. I know it sounds silly and rude but I've drifted apart from two of the friends. I'm just curious about how rude it is to tell them I've changed my mind. I wouldn't replace them I'm just not close to them at all anymore. Is this wrong?

Re: So is it ok to change bridesmaids?

  • AutumnFairAutumnFair
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to So is it ok to change bridesmaids?:
    When I first started planning my wedding I chose my sisters and a four of my closest friends. I know it sounds silly and rude but I've drifted apart from two of the friends. I'm just curious about how rude it is to tell them I've changed my mind. I wouldn't replace them I'm just not close to them at all anymore. Is this wrong?
    Posted by Rachybug
    Yes, and remember be prepared for A LOT of hurt feelings and ending the friendship on bad terms.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    'So is it ok to change bridesmaids?"  No, it is not.

    'Is it wrong?' Yes, it's wrong to tell your bms that you have changed your mind.

    The wording of your poll is a bit confusing. It contradicts the thread title.

                
  • edited December 2011
    Please don't dismiss them. This is why it is not recommended that you don't choose BM's until you are about 6 months out from your wedding. If they back out, that is one thing, but please don't dismiss them whatever you do. If there is a chance of repairing the relationships, there will not be should you decide to dismiss or fire them.
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to So is it ok to change bridesmaids?:
    When I first started planning my wedding I chose my sisters and a four of my closest friends. I know it sounds silly and rude but I've drifted apart from two of the friends. I'm just curious about how rude it is to tell them I've changed my mind. I wouldn't replace them I'm just not close to them at all anymore. Is this wrong?
    Posted by Rachybug
    If you want to end the friendship, then end the friendship and in doing so they also cease to be BMs. But that's a huge decision to make and usually a pretty permanent one.

    If nothing so terrible has happened and you want to remain friends, why don't you focus on reconnecting with these friends instead of just focusing on the wedding day? Look at the big picture of this.

  • edited December 2011
    Please please please do not remove them from your WP. That will be the biggest slap in the face to them if you do. Why not make an attempt to make the relationship stronger/better and how it was before when you asked them when they obviously meant something to you.

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  • ootmother2ootmother2
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    edited December 2011
    The only possible reason to dump a bridesmaid is if she slept with your FI or is doing hard drugs.

    hth
  • trix1223trix1223
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    edited December 2011
    Of course it's okay.  If you want to be thought of as a gold medalist in the bridezila olympics.

    How about instead of "changing" BMs, you pick up a phone and try to work on the friendship and leave your wedding completely out of the equation?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: So is it ok to change bridesmaids?:
    Of course it's okay.  If you want to be thought of as a gold medalist in the bridezila olympics. How about instead of "changing" BMs, you pick up a phone and try to work on the friendship and leave your wedding completely out of the equation?
    Posted by trix1223
    Here here!

    As someone who was booted out of a bridal party once, it's a horrible feeling to have. And yes, I was replaced.

    I can't even begin to tell you how insulted I felt when I found that out.

    So please, whatever you do- do NOT boot ANYONE out of your bridal party, there aren't 'backsies' on bridesmaids, once you ask them-you're stuck with them.
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  • ekelly83ekelly83
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    For the record, I voted 'yes' only because the wording was odd... Please don't boot your BMs!
  • edited December 2011
    OMG no.
  • orangecrush32orangecrush32
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    edited December 2011
    No. Stop thinking about your wedding and think about your friendships. Obviously these girls were your friends at some point. Try making some effort again.
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  • jerseydeviljerseydevil
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    edited December 2011

     Friends get busy in their own lives and drift apart from each other. If you care about the friendship, you'll make a point to call them to catch up and get together.


  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: So is it ok to change bridesmaids?:
    Of course it's okay.  If you want to be thought of as a gold medalist in the bridezila olympics. How about instead of "changing" BMs, you pick up a phone and try to work on the friendship and leave your wedding completely out of the equation?
    Posted by trix1223
    Ditto this.  Friendship works both ways.  There's nothing stopping you from trying to reconnect with them, they don't have to come to you just because you're The Bride.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: So is it ok to change bridesmaids?:
    The only possible reason to dump a bridesmaid is if she slept with your FI or is doing hard drugs. hth
    Posted by ootmother2
    Assault or attempted murder of the bride, groom, or members of their immediate families is another acceptable reason.

  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins
    1000 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    It doesn't sound like your friends have done anything to deserve the boot... other than drifting away, but it takes two to tango. Why do you think they've drifted? Is it because you guys don't have as much in common? Are they busy with things in their own lives? Are you talking too much about your wedding when you're with them? Are they jealous?

    I'd be more concerned with the drifting friendship than with the bridesmaid question at this point.

    What it comes down to is, sure you can boot them, but people who are mutual friends will think badly of you, and it will surely end the friendship.
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  • edited December 2011
    I was booted from a wedding party for the same reason and I will say I never really spoke to the "friend" again, except to send an email back to her booting email that may not have been the nicest (in hindsight I probably shouldn't have responded immediatly) but my point is booting them will almost surely end that friendship.  Maybe they are busy and you are busy and you guys have not been able to talk as much as you used to, but true friends can endure those times and are just the same when they finally do get together.  If you have grown apart and don't see yourself ever wanting that friendship around than I guess there is no real harm in it but it sounds like nothing bad happened between you guys and this could turn out to be a great motivation to get back in touch!
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  • jemmini6jemmini6
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    edited December 2011
    Kicking out a bridesmaid for no other reason other than 'you're not that close anymore' is rude, immature and will make you look like the biggest bridezilla ever.  Not to mention it will likely irreperably end your friendship and damage others (who wants to be friends with someone who throws their friends away so easily)
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  • edited December 2011
    You say it sounds "silly and rude" to kick out two of your BMs because you have drifted apart from them...maybe that's because it is.  It takes two to keep up a friendship, and you have not mentioned anything to indicate that you have done your part also to work on the friendship with these two women.  Kicking out the BMs (and this is exactly what you would be doing) is tantamount to ending the friendship and burning bridges.  It also makes you look like a tool to your friends and family. 

    Work on the friendship minus the wedding.  If there is nothing there anymore, it's okay to drift away after the wedding.  But as far as WP members go, unless they sleep with your FI or try to kill you or him, there are no backsies.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: So is it ok to change bridesmaids?:
    Of course it's okay.  If you want to be thought of as a gold medalist in the bridezila olympics. How about instead of "changing" BMs, you pick up a phone and try to work on the friendship and leave your wedding completely out of the equation?
    Posted by trix1223
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel
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    edited December 2011
    How would you feel if they did that to you? In the grand scheme of things, will it really matter if some of your BMs were not all that close to you? No. But will it matter if you deeply hurt someone that you consider to be a friend by telling her that you have found someone better? Yeah. If you have someone else you want to honor, make her a reader or something, but don't disrespect your friends, who are going to expense for you, by kicking them out.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm going against most of the girls' opinion's here - but I say to do what makes you happy. People will talk crap about your choices anyway. If you feel its ok to possibly lose a friend over it, then do it. But make sure you know it'll be the right decision in the end.
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  • edited December 2011
    I dismissed a bridesmaid after she acted out and publicly went on a tirade about my relationship with my soon to be husband. She proceeded to not return calls, refused to pay for her custom made dress (that she wanted), and talk badly of me to fellow friends and co-workers.  I waited and did the 6 months rule, but changed her out and she is no longer a friend. 
    However, I would have to agree if you change your mind about a bridesmaid it has to be a good reason like you had it out. But sometimes I find that your friends may distance themselves when you become centered around your upcoming nuptials. Have you addressed the issue with your friends? Why have you drifted? Is it just that they are in a different place?  I don't find it to be a good excuse to rid your friends...its easier to improve on the relationship!
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  • shoebieshoebie
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    edited December 2011
    If you are no longer friends i would say goodbye to them if they are still going to be at your wedding that would be tough...... But i cant see keeping someone in my bridal party that i dont talk to anymore just because i already asked them months ? years? ago ........

  • shoebieshoebie
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    edited December 2011
    Ps and who knows they might want out if they dont talk to you........ maybe sit down n talk to them......

  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke
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    edited December 2011
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  • edited December 2011
    I say if you feel you need to then do it.  I am talking from experience, I kicked my MOH out of my wedding, she was supposedly my best friend.  She wouldnt support any decision I made, she told me everything was ugly, to expensive, and that I was rude.  I let them pick out there dresses, shoes and everything I kept a budget in mind.
    So I guess what I am saying is if you feel you need to then do it, its your decisoin.  It will most likely end the friendship but at some point it doesnt really matter.
  • colstj1colstj1
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    Like the majority has already said, DONT give them the boot.
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