Advice Please - groom's family feels left out and I'm the bad guy?

lcosette · March 2010

Sorry this is long, but any help is GREATLY appreciated!

Some brief background - I got engaged last December, and after that the wedding planning happened really quickly. Within a month and a half, we had pretty much everything planned : the venue, band, caterer, tent rental (we are getting married in August). I had already had an idea of where I wanted to get married. Anyway, my fiance's fam doesn't live in the same state as my parents and the two of us, but they visited over Christmas, and we discussed ideas/plans for the wedding then, before anything was finalized. Afer that, I've had a few phone and email convos with his mom, talking about progress being made. My parents are paying, and basically went out and put down payments on everything because our wedding location is high-demand with few vendors, and in February, my finance and I visited the site and talked with the caterers, cake person, and pickedo out tables, chairs, etc.

In February, my fiance told me that his mom was feeling a little left out of the process, and asked if I could get her more involved. Unfortunately, at that point we had pretty much picked out everything, but I said I would try. This past week he, my mom, and I looked through an invitation book, and I sent his mom an email asking her to look online at invites and see if she liked any, and to let me know.

Fast-forward to today. We received a long email (my fiance, me, his sis-in-law and brother) that was a response to a chain of emails about ordering invitations (we are getting a 40% discount from his sis-in-law) saying that 'everyone' feels like they are on the outside, and being left out, and don't know what's going on, and we are inconsiderate, and not to get defensive because everyone loves us and just wants to know what's hapenning.

We just got off a 3-way convo, in which his mom explained the same thing, and said that his sis-in-law and brother didn't know what was going on and i should let everyone know even if I've been making an effort with her, and that we never visit his brother, and that they have no concept of the wedding, etc.

I told his mom that I'm sorry she feels that way, and that I have been making more effort with her since Kevin told me that, but in terms of everyone else, I had no idea - no one has even asked me a single thing about the wedding - not even an email to say, 'how is wedding planning going'. I had NO IDEA that anyone even wanted to know, and truthfully, I haven't been thinking about the wedding - I am in graduate school and I am working on my thesis and have even been working weekends. Not to mention the fact that his brother/sis-in-law have never really reached out to me personally to come visit them. I'm just not sure how to approach this, and I think that now everyone thinks I am a horrible person!

lalap69 · March 2010

It seems so silly to me that people would be upset that you're not talking to them about the wedding. Are their phones broken? Do they not have email? They can't ask you if they want to know?

I really don't believe that anyone has a right to be included in the planning process unless they are the bride, the groom, or contributing financially.

It sounds like a big part of it is that you haven't had huge amounts of time to devote to wedding planning yourself - tell them that. Say "I'm sorry you want to hear about wedding planning but frankly I just don't have the time to plan right now." You could add "but x still needs to get done. Would you be interested in helping me with that?"

Where's your FI in all of this? I'd have serious issues with my FI's family laying guilt trips on me like this and him not doing or saying anything. Maybe he can talk to his family about the wedding some.

weddinglocator · March 2010

Your not awful, I have been going through the same thing with FI Mom, I am an only child so my mom and I have always looked forward to planning my wedding with just her and I and with my FI when he is interested. My FI mom is constantly emailing calling and FBing me to ask about the wedding. She is not contributing financially and my parents are very private about the money they spend so it has made it hard to include her, not to mention her and I don't get along. Recently I have tried to include her more since I have had more time with it being Spring Break. I would just explain to her that you are trying to include her as much as possible but you have been very focused on school. Also let her know that if other members of the family are feeling left out they are more than welcome to email you or call with questions and you will try to reply to them when school calms down.

AutumnFair · March 2010

I agree with lalap.

Besides the bride, groom, and others who are contributing, no one else should expect to be apart of the wedding plans. Now if people wanted to pick up the phone or type an email asking how things were going, maybe make suggestions then great, but it seems that no one has said anything and now they drop the guilt bomb. Yeah, you don't have to be sorry. FMIL is acting like a big baby and I think bringing your FBIL and the rest of the family into it.

FI needs to tell his mom that you are busy with your grad school and that most of your wedding plans have been decided upon. If she (and any other family) wants to be updated about what has been planned, she needs to call or email not dropping random guilt trips about not being included. FI needs to put his mom in place, what she did was rude and personally sounds like if she doesn't get her way she throws tantrums, laying guilt trips on everyone to get them on her side. FI can tell her that there will be little things to do when it comes closer to the wedding that should could possibly help with, but right now the main things have been planned so they could get it out of the way a focus on school, work, etc (that's if you want her to do anything).

mmenillo · March 2010

I feel your pain! My mom's best friend has a son, no daugher, so she wanted to have phone consultations and be involved in everything. I was like you --- I had everything planned early. There wasn't much for her to do.

BUT, you could assign some tasks. I gave her the bridal shower cake and favors. She went beserk and made a 3-tier cake complete with gumpaste hand-painted cherry blossoms (I'm pretty sure it's nicer than the actual wedding cake), and favor bags with individually assembled paper flower thingies. Trust me, give the people who want to help a certain task, like decorations for the rehearsal dinner, and they'll feel needed. Plus, you might get some nice surprises out of it if they go all out like my mom's friend.

MairePoppy · March 2010

A wedding is a big deal to the grooms family, too. So why not give her an update of what plans have been made so far. Mention a few decisions that you haven't made yet, but would like some input from her. Ask her if there are any special family traditions that should be included. There will still be plenty of things to do before the wedding.
If you are ordering invitations from FSIL, call her (rather than e-mail) to let her know the style of your wedding. It's better to have a conversation about it, and it will give you a chance to establish a positive connection with her.

LLQ19 · March 2010

1. You're not a horrible person, you're doing the best that you can!

2. I'm sure it is not easy for your FMIL to feel so detached from all of the planning-people have probably been asking her questions and she could have been embarrassed about not knowing the details of her own son's wedding

3. Try not to get emotional/ assign blame (e.g.-it's FMIL's/FSIL's fault because she hasn't contacted me), you want to get your union off to a harmonious beginning. You certainly don't want this issue to linger into your marriage and affect your relationship with your ILs

4. Is the fact that your parents are paying dictating how you feel about your ILs participation in the planning? How do your parents feel about this issue?

5. Do you really want their input, or do you not want to be the bad guy?

6. I think the best way to move forward is to apologize for hurt feelings and ask how the FILs would like to move on from this point. Where can they get involved/where would you like them involved? Where does your FI think his family should be involved in the planning.

7. I think what's most important at this point is communication-if your FIs family wants to be involved, I'm sure you can find some way to involve them. Try your best not to get too emotional, it's no one's fault.

tommyandy · March 2010

Why is it your job to tell his family what's going on in his wedding?

Myroni03 · March 2010

Here are some things I have done to make everyone feel included...

1. Create your wedding website with some actual details so people do know whats going on. Everyone likes to peek and see whats in store for the big day.

2. I created an email address (free from yahoo) where I have had vendors email information and my mom and I have been sending pictures and ideas of things, everything from reception decor to shoes. Myself, mother, FMIL, and FI all have the password so we can look at the various folders I have set up (dj/photographer/invites, etc.)

3. I have went to several bridal shows with mom and FMIL.

4. All caterer tastings, etc. I have extended an invite to FMIL and mother and they have chosen to accept some and not others.

5. I have told FMIL what we are currently deciding on: invites, what to serve for rehersal, etc so we can focus on one thing at a time

kmm2150 · March 2010

I don't think you need to get too upset about this and while it seems on the one hand like FMIL is being unkind by calling you out on not including her, as she sees it, to me that is better than her just silently fuming and being hurt about it and never telling you. She didn't go about it in a great way, but now the door is open for an honest converstaion - tell her everything you posted: you're busy, you guys knew alot about what you wanted and just did it early on to get planning out of the way, you're happy to share any details of the wedding but didn't realize people were so interested, and - IF you still want/need help - share other ways for them to be involved.

I had a similar situation with my wedding, only because my MIL -who I love and get along with great - has only sons, and I think really wanted to be involved but didn't want to seem pushy....while I didn't want to seem like a demanding bridezilla. It took some awkward phone calls and such, but by the wedding we had a pretty comfortable rhythm of 'hey, I'm doing this, do you want to come/help out" - and you also should make sure her little boy is communicating, too! He and I have different relationships with our parents (talk every day, email frequently vs. talk, albeit for a long time, every few weeks), and if I let him, DH would go months without telling his parents anything.

This is an awkward event but if you handle it as an earnest, sincere request from her to be part of your lives, it will make your life much better in the long run.

Kristin789 · March 2010

Totally agree with TommyAndy: It's your FI's job to deal with his family. If they want to know something, they can ask HIM and HE communicates with them.

If it's your FI's intention to NOT communicate with his family from now on, and he's going to put you front and center to get shot at by his family, that's a huge red flag.

And I don't understand their point. The wedding is hosted by the bride's parents. I didn't "involve" FI's parents or his brother&family in the planning. I didn't e-mail hyperlinks so FI's parents could look at invitations. I don't know anyone who has done all of this that you are reporting that FI's family expected. That's wacky.

And I don't understand this: In February, my fiance told me that his mom was feeling a little left out of the process, and asked if I could get her more involved.

If your FI talked to his mother in February, and his mother said that she was feeling a little left out of the process, then HE needed to say, "Well mom, you know we all talked about everything in December, and the wedding is being hosted by Mr. and Mrs. Cosette who have finalized the plans. But our side hosts the RD, so when can we meet to talk about the RD and line up some venue visits for that? Can you come spend a long weekend with us over Mother's Day in early May, and we'll set this all up?"

NO WAY should he have dumped this on you. HE should have taken care of his family business.

sjnsjnsjn · March 2010

Weird. They don't need to have a 'concept of the wedding.' It's not their wedding, and they're not paying. They'll know the 'concept' when they arrive. Strange. I hope they don't expect to be so entrenched in your lives, in other ways. Yikes.

lharri12 · March 2010

I understand why your fiance's mother would want to be included, but his brother and sister-in-law?? That's kind of weird.
Anyway, even though you're done with the major parts of planning, I'm sure there are plenty of other details to look into. Maybe ask your FMIL to help pick out flowers, favors, or bridesmaids dresses. I know you said that she is out-of-state, but you can email pics you found online of centerpieces, dresses, favors, etc. that you like. You said that you, your mom, and your fiance looked at invites - maybe rather than just tell her to look online and let you know if she liked anything, send her pics of a few specific ones that you liked and ask her opinion on those. Even if you don't want her opinion, just send pics of things you like, so she feels like she knows what is going on. If she is planning on visiting anytime soon, you could plan to do your tasting or first fitting of your dress when she is around.

Tan34 · March 2010

Sorry, my reply is a bit lengthy...

Firstly - shame on them for putting you in a tight spot like that and hanging a grey cloud over what should be a very joyous event !!!

Secondly, I'm in pretty much a similar situation but the opposite way round - we live in the same town as my fiance's family and his mom has been involved with everything (which has been a blessing for me).

Anyway, my mum lives in a different province (USA terms them states) and what we have done is asked her to make our guest favours (home knitted scarves because we're getting married in winter). She has had a great time doing this and even my dad got involved with selecting the yarn color for the "boy" scarves. They are also choosing the packaging for these gifts so their part of the planning will really be a visual effect on the day - and again, they are having a fun time deciding what will work & look best

As for the rest of the family, well it is like this: The ladies in our immediate families are planning the hens party & rehearsal dinner (less on my plate). The guys in the family are arranging the bachelor's party, making wooden hearts to use as ceremony decor and between them they have decided who does what on the day - set up in the church, driving the wedding party, collecting and safe transporting of wedding gifts, etc. My nieces and nephews are planning and putting together the kiddies fun packs and designing the kiddies table decor. They have all been given our color scheme and we've briefed them on ideas so they are all "in the know" - besides, we wanted everyone to enjoy it and having others place their "mark" on the day is going to make it a family affair!!

I think the trick is to delegate little tasks to each person so that they feel like they are contributing towards the bigger picture - but each to her own and you need to discuss this with your man and then do what you both feel is right - it is your special day in the end and others must respect that.

Good luck

noonescookie · March 2010

Kristin789 has it right. FI needs to be running interference for you on this one. I would coach him to re-direct their attention to the things that they are involved in (invites, rehearsal dinner, picking mom/son dance, picking a reading) and things that still haven't been chosen (even if they're little things) and not let them harp on what's already been done without them.

The detailed suggestions above are entirely optional, but helpful: You are not required to send out an email every time you make a decision or to set up a website if it's not convenient for you. I finished my MA last year - I know how it is.

It sounds like FMIL is actually upset about how close the family is (not visiting FBIL). Instead of worrying about the wedding per se, I'd look at the bigger picture of, "How can we show that we're making an effort to stay close?" Maybe she feels like she's losing her son to your family? It's hard when one set of parents is local and the other isn't, but even things like a scheduled weekly call can help.

Good luck!

lcosette · March 2010

Wow...thanks for all of the advice!!! All of you are so right, on every level.

FI and I have spent a lot of time talking with each other after this happened, and he has spent a lot of time talking to his mom (who told him she regretted sending the email). Basically, he was pretty upset himself about this whole thing, and communicated with her that we haven't been thinking about the wedding and are really busy, and that there's not much left to do. He also said that that visiting family is a two-way street. But, I think what was REALLY bothering FMIL, after he got to the bottom of it, was not that she couldn't make decisions on invitations or flowers, but that she wanted everyone to bond over the experience and be closer and for the family to stick together. In the end, I completely respect her for voicing her feelings, although iif FSIL is upset about it, I really feel she should communicate this to me herself or make an effort herself.

In the end, FI and I decided that he needs to be more proactive in letting his family know what's going on as well as bringing everyone together. I agreed that since I do want a close relationship with his fam that I can reach out a bit more, especially to his mom, in terms of just everyday things. I still think that it's not my duty to report to FSIL about the wedding, and I won't be doing that, unless she asks about how wedding planning is going (his sis sent me an email after the phone conversation and I was more than happy to share wedding plans with her). So, I think she was really just trying to reach out in general and maybe didn't know how to do it, and I will definitely try and assign some smaller tasks to her, or talk with her more.

Thanks again!!

starryskies407 · April 2010

Have you thought about you and your FI doing a wedding planning blog? you could do short posts with links to the venues and vendors you choose or include pics. You could do a post talking about your theme/colors/feel of the wedding etc. and then from here on out, add any new info or tid bits of what it going on with the planning. it may be away for others who would like to to feel more involved. YOu could also have a comments section and maybe next time your torn between flowers or a centerpieces or something, ask peoples opinions in the comments section.
maybe not your thing, just a thought. I live states away from most of my family and many friends and I think Im going to try this when I get married.

Advice Please - groom's family feels left out and I'm the bad guy?

Re: Advice Please - groom's family feels left out and I'm the bad guy?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards