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help a non-Catholic out!

misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Catholic Weddings
Hi Knotties!!

I'm a Christian (non-Catholic) marrying a Catholic, hopefully in his Catholic church since I have faith, but don't have a church in our hometown area that I am very connected to and FI has strong ties to his, which is totally okay with me. However, how do I make my non-Catholic guests comfortable with the ceremony? For instance, my brother is very anti-organized religion, which I respect, but he keeps making comments about "not making him sit through church" an such. If we don't get married in the Catholic church, I still feel strongly about getting married by a man of G/d. 

PS- We don't even have a date set, so I am definitely ahead of the game, just curious! 
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Re: help a non-Catholic out!

  • caitriona87caitriona87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi =)

    We mostly tried to do it through a detailed program, with a note of explanation in the front about some of the things that are done and why. That should be enough for most people, who probably just want to feel like they're not totally lost. As far as your brother goes, it sounds like he is a bit angry and in that case there may not be much you can do to make him completely comfortable. Definitely don't compromise on the church ceremony to appease a family member. You can't please everyone, and the beginning of your marriage is such an important thing. Good luck! 
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  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
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    edited December 2011
    well, if your brother is anti-organized religion, then i assume he will have an issue with any church you get married in, not just the catholic church.

    i would be sure to not force your brother to attend.  if he feels more comfortable skipping the ceremony, then respect that and dont beg and plead with him to attend. 

    otherwise, all you can really do is express that a church wedding is important to you and ask him to respect that, just as you would respect the type of wedding ceremony that he would have for his wedding.
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  • Riss91Riss91 member
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    edited December 2011
    When people attend ceremonies, they expect the ceremony to be based on the bride and groom, not on themselves. The non-Catholic guests may not know everything, but if you went with a non-religious ceremony, they'd be in the same situation. You can make a detailed program to help them follow along, but I wouldn't go crazy. They really just have to be present and attentive. It's probably better to just ease their minds and tell them it will be simple to follow.

    As for specific issues, like with your brother, I think you just need to nip it in the bud:

    "Brother, we respect your beliefs and we need you to respect ours. It is hurtful for you to tell us that you are put off by attending our ceremony, simply because of our beliefs. Please respect us and our decision. If you truly feel that you cannot attend, we will be sad, but we respect your decision. Please refrain from offending our faith, at least in our presence."

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  • TCbride1TCbride1 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wonder if the Catholic church you choose will allow you to not have a full mass as a part of your ceremony. I'd talk to the Priest and see what they can do. I've been to some Catholic weddings that were more personalized so it didn't make non-Catholic or non-religious guests feel uncomfortable. Good luck!
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  • Riss91Riss91 member
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    edited December 2011
    I guess I just don't understand why someone would feel uncomfortable? They have to sit and watch, and maybe stand/kneel. What would be uncomfortable? Has no one ever attended a ceremony outside of their own belief system? Were people horribly uncomfortable watching the Royal Wedding? I'm seriously lost here. I've attended Jewish weddings - I didn't know exactly what was happening the whole time, but it wasn't something I felt anxious about. I was happy to witness the joyous event.


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  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
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    edited December 2011
    riss, i dont get it either.  just like i dont get people that are offended by not being able to receive communion.  i dont get offended that i cant receive communion in other denominations.
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  • TCbride1TCbride1 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:bb2a154f-a0d7-41eb-9d7d-cd1693728808Post:9ad6777d-2cde-4066-8850-91e1609a12cb">Re: help a non-Catholic out!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I guess I just don't understand why someone would feel uncomfortable?</strong> They have to sit and watch, and maybe stand/kneel. What would be uncomfortable? Has no one ever attended a ceremony outside of their own belief system? Were people horribly uncomfortable watching the Royal Wedding? I'm seriously lost here. I've attended Jewish weddings - I didn't know exactly what was happening the whole time, but it wasn't something I felt anxious about. I was happy to witness the joyous event.
    Posted by Riss91[/QUOTE]

    I can't say I understand, either. I've never felt uncomfortable, maybe bored at times...haha. I guess some people do though, even though it's not like they are forced to pray or participate in any part. I think some people forget the ceremony is about the COUPLE, not the guests.
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  • lalaith50lalaith50 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I think it's just an excuse for people who already have decided that they don't like "religion..."
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  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all your responses! My brother has made it clear that he will be attending no matter what we decide, so no worries there. I didn't even think of a detailed program with some explanations! That's perfect.  Even though I'm not Catholic, I've been many times with FI's family, but even at first I had a hard time following, so I think that would be very helpful!

    Thanks again!
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  • lmeade62lmeade62
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I also put this link on my Knot website, to provide information about Catholic weddings.


    We wanted people to have some idea of what to expect during the wedding (we had a full Mass, but he and I are both Catholic), but we tried to keep our program very brief, and didn't feel comfortable putting anything in there about Communion. We had a conversation with our priest about it, and left it up to him.

    I'm glad your brother will come no matter what. I have family members who aren't Christian, but they were so happy for DH and me, I think they would've stood on their heads in a windstorm if that had been important to us!


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  • AshP12AshP12
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree that you can have a Ceremony of the Word (without the Mass). It basically just skips communion. I'm not sure if this will make your non-Catholic guests more comfortable or not, but it's what we're doing at my wedding. We're not concerned about anyone else, but because my FI is not Catholic, I feel that it would be contrary to the vows we're making for me to receive communion at our wedding when he is unable to. It may make our guests feel more comfortable (and yours as well), but that wasn't the basis of our decision. I believe most archdioceses do allow this type of marriage ceremony, if you're interested.
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  • ChloeaghChloeagh member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would strongly recommend not having a mass if you are worried about making people uncomfortable. Half of my fiance's family is Lutheran, a lot of my family has left the church, and I won't be confirmed yet when we get married, so the majority of the guests (and the bride!) won't even be able to take communion. Especially since you and your family are a non-Catholic, I'm sure the preist will be more than happy to make sure the ceremony is comfortable for everyone.
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  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
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    edited December 2011
    chloe, you can receive communion if you have not been confirmed as long as you are catholic.
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  • ChloeaghChloeagh member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I suppose I should have clarified. I was not raised Catholic and I won't have gone through RCIA and received my first communion before my wedding. And I have no desire to talk to the bishop about getting around that.
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  • newlyseliskinewlyseliski member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Our deacon who guided us through marriage prep said that he usually advises interfaith couples to opt for the catholic wedding outside the Mass!  We were both Catholic and from Catholic families, so he advised us to do a full Mass.  The following link goes through the whole service that is from the site that lmeade already linked to above:

    http://catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/order-wedding-outside-mass.htm

    A wedding outside the Mass is typically under an hour, so I think most folks can last that long ;-) I think your brother will probably be supportive of and happy for you on your wedding day, even if it is in a church.  It's a great opportunity to witness to him and others the joy that you and your future husband have in committing your lives to one another in the sacrament of marriage!
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