Sending invitations early to make time for round B?

esunada · March 2011

Would it be too early to send out formal invitations three months in advance in order to get them back two months before the wedding? We think there might be a good chunk that will say no because they are out of town cousins so we wanted to have a round B of people to send invites too once we received the first round of RSVPs back.

[Deleted User] · March 2011

I wouldn't put the RSVP due date at 2 months out. The most I would request it to be returned is 1 month prior to your wedding date, but at that point it would be too late to send invites to your B List.

Also, it seems like the majority of the people who decline to come, don't send their RSVP until the last minute.

In general, B lists aren't a good idea..

musicalsunlight · March 2011

Honestly, I don't think a B list is a very good idea. You should count on 100% attendance regardless of OOT guests, and usually "A" list guests can tell when they are such, because of how much farther their RSVP is and will be able to tell you are doing a "B" list. I've had such invites before and didn't really appreciate that the B&G were trying to figure out who they could X off the list to get to the second tier of guests. I'd just suggest doing one list.

shan87 · March 2011

I don't agree with any of what you are doing BUT.. on the May boards many have already sent out their invites 3 months in advance but I don't believe they had their RSVP date so early.

To answer your question - I think 3 months is far too early to send out invites.

Steph0871 · March 2011

Because I don't want to get too heated, just pretend I'm saying everything Kari said.

Two months before the wedding date is way too early. We had a hard enough time getting people to respond 3 weeks prior. Like Kari said, the 'no' RSVPs are usually the last to come in anyway.

also, don't do a b list. Just don't. People will find out, and they will get hurt.

emilykathleen511 · March 2011

B-lists are a very bad idea. Just. don't.

acw016 · March 2011

Agree with PP. I've been on the B list before and I gotta say.. I didn't love it. No one on the B list would say anything to your face but there's a good chance they'll complain to each other.

KateJ10 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_sending-invitations-early-time-round-b?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:1f87f16c-debe-4f63-bd6e-7c982936ca4aPost:ac8bceec-3199-4036-86e9-7cd31b35192a">Re: Sending invitations early to make time for round B?</a>:
[QUOTE]B-lists are a very bad idea. Just. don't.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

Yep.

I would suggest that you just invite as many people as your budget can handle/venue can handle . I know you were only asking about the timelines for doing A and B lists, but two months out- I can't imagine people having their sh*t together enough for them to be able to respond in that time period. Or at least I know I wouldn't have my sh*t together. :)

maybe984 · March 2011

Okay... seriously... it kind of bugs me how anti-B-list so many people are. Yes, picking and choosing between your friends and family is uber tacky... but sometimes B lists are absolutely necessary. Granted, I would agree that they should ONLY be used WHEN COMPLETELY REQUIRED... but sheesh, pps, lay off the girl.

I have a family of 87 people (aunts, uncles, 1st and 2nd cousins) in South Carolina. My immediate family is the only part of the family that moved away and stayed away... so they're not accustomed to traveling very far for family weddings. Add to that the fact that not many of them travel much... and that meant that most of them weren't coming. To assume that all of them were coming would have been a HUGE mistake and would have wreaked havoc on my budget and overall plans. So, I had to do an A/B scenario.

So, as a girl who has done this before... I have a few tips (both solicited and unsolicited):

- Be very upfront about your intentions if someone asks you directly about your guest list
- Don't go person-by-person when deciding where on the list they go. We did a very clear cut "Family/WP-then-Friends" format that managed not to offend anybody.
- Don't make the RSVP date two months in advance. People just won't RSVP. Our wedding was 10/10, and as I recall, we sent out the family invites within the first few days in August and the friends' invites about 3 weeks later. The stated RSVP date for family was in mid-September and the second round was the end of September. Yes, there was an overlap... but it worked beautifully. A good chunk of your first round will likely let you know right away if there's no chance they're going to come, which should free up some space. However, don't cut it so close that you're COUNTING on all of your family saying no. There were a lot of local friends we might have invited if we weren't leaving space for late-announced family.

Our venue fit 200 comfortably. In total, I think we invited 40 or 50 more than that. That broke down to like 190 family members, and 50-60 friends and such. We ended up with 130 in attendance (our wedding was a Sunday, which I'm sure attributed to the kind of low attendance) and that was about 90 family members and 40 friends.

mysticatgal · March 2011

I can't say I'm crazy about a B list either, but sometimes it is necessary. I'd prefer to get a B list invite then only get invited to dancing which I know a ton of people do.

We are doing a B list and are sending out our invites 3 months early but also have quite a few out of town guests and people who are being invited formally but don't believe in celebrating anything. We are putting a normal 3 week deadline on the RSVPs but also figure some of the "regrets" will come in early as there will be people who won't make it. We plan on doing a second batch soon after we have a guess how many (after a couple weeks). I think you have good intentions with the short RSVP timeline but I don't believe you need it.

KOM11 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_sending-invitations-early-time-round-b?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:1f87f16c-debe-4f63-bd6e-7c982936ca4aPost:3ccbde6b-0006-46f5-be47-313274ce3e3d">Re: Sending invitations early to make time for round B?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't say I'm crazy about a B list either, but sometimes it is necessary. I'd prefer to get a B list invite then only get invited to dancing which I know a ton of people do.
Posted by mysticatgal[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I'd prefer to just not get invited all together - either I make the first cut (and full event) or not. Either way is fine, I know everyone has budgets and hard decisions come with that.

OP, I think B lists are dangerous and you should avoid if you can. If you have to because of large family and OOT, I think having the parents put some feelers out there might be a better way.

maybe984 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_sending-invitations-early-time-round-b?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:81Discussion:1f87f16c-debe-4f63-bd6e-7c982936ca4aPost:33ce2fbf-dca2-41ea-97f5-addff43a152e">Re: Sending invitations early to make time for round B?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you have to because of large family and OOT, I think having the parents put some feelers out there might be a better way.
Posted by KOM11[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, but you have to consider that the OP may have thought of this and may not have a better choice than to do it the way they are.

In my instance, I was 'putting out feelers' the second I got engaged... BUT...

a) you can't assume that because someone said "probably not" when asked verbally about attending a OOT wedding doesn't mean things can't change later on-- the family that came from South Carolina for my wedding were almost an entirely different group than the ones who said early on that they'd make it

b) unless your extended family isn't very close, you're going to offend someone if you don't send them a cursory invitation, even if they've verbally told you they are 98% sure they won't be coming

Sorry to be so defensive of OP, but it really bugs me that there are some topics where everyone jumps on the same bandwagon and rides it into a 3-page thread. The OP didn't ask IF she should do a B List. She said she IS doing a B List and wants help on logistics. Answer the question at hand, and don't beat a dead horse.

Sorry. Personal sore spot speaking.

musicalsunlight · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_sending-invitations-early-time-round-b?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:1f87f16c-debe-4f63-bd6e-7c982936ca4aPost:6cef84d4-63c9-487c-93f6-1cbd651b556b">Re: Sending invitations early to make time for round B?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sending invitations early to make time for round B? : ISorry to be so defensive of OP, but it really bugs me that there are some topics where everyone jumps on the same bandwagon and rides it into a 3-page thread. The OP didn't ask IF she should do a B List. She said she IS doing a B List and wants help on logistics. Answer the question at hand, and don't beat a dead horse. Sorry. Personal sore spot speaking.
Posted by maybe984[/QUOTE]

It's true she didn't ask IF, but by putting something out on a public forum, it is opening up your ideas to whatever opinions the other posters have. I don't think anyone was disrespectful about the differing opinion. Of course OP can do what she wants. She (& you) can feel one way about B lists, and that's fine. But just as she is allowed to have her opinion on B lists, so are the rest of us and we are within our rights to explain them to her. Sometimes people don't always see how an idea could be construed to others. It worked out great for you and that's cool, but it doesn't always, so I think the perspectives given were valid concerns.

maybe984 · March 2011

I don't know... it just seems like people are saying the same exact things over and over... and it just makes it seem like you're dumping on the poor OP. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying the viewpoint isn't valid... but if 15 people have already said it, does it need to be said again?

Maybe I'm taking it overly personally. I had posted about this subject back when I was planning, and people were pretty supportive once I fully explained my rationale... so maybe I'm just imbuing too much of that into a post that wasn't mine to begin with. So, I'll just stop playing devil's advocate, b/c it's clearly not getting me anywhere.

(As an interesting point of fact... had I used the "just invite as many people as your budget can handle/venue can handle" technique... we could have only invited relatives, would have had a 40% attendance rate and I would have had a grand total of 10 people on my side during the ceremony. All I'm saying is that sometimes, B Lists are an unfortunate necessity.)

beka0404 · March 2011

My name is Kate and I had what was, in essence, a B list. (I also got pseudo-flamed for it on this board.)

DISCLAIMER: We overinvited by 20%. The bulk of our overage were family friends on my husband's side that my MIL wanted to invite as a form of small town social repayment - she added these after our guest list had been finalized for months and it was a battle my husband and I didn't feel was worth fighting. So we made a B list. This is how we structured ours:

- We didn't change the RSVP date
- We arranged the family friends into one group
- We mailed the invites for the first group two months before the wedding
- As declines came in, we sent out invitations from the second group. In contrast to some of the PPs above, many of our "no" RSVPs came back early - we didn't have a flood of declines at the end
- All of the invitations from the second group were mailed within three weeks of the first batch, giving our second group three weeks to RSVP

It was a process that needed to be micromanaged.

Esunada, I think an RSVP date two months in advance isn't a wise choice - I think six weeks is the absolute maximum, and even then you'd still face some logistical hurdles. If you must have two RSVP dates, I would follow Maybe's advice. Also, you will need to be careful to give your B list guests enough time to reserve rooms in your room block - most room blocks expire four weeks before the event date, so that's important to note.

esunada · March 2011

Thanks for everyone's advice.

Sending invitations early to make time for round B?

Re: Sending invitations early to make time for round B?

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