Parents won't pay up

liz&Coop2010 · March 2010

Okay, so I'm really not looking for sympathy here. Rather, I'm looking for a solution or diplomatic approach to my dilemma. My parents have been cheap, uninvolved, and downright emotionally abusive towards me my entire life. They are somewhat aware of their actions and yet they have never apologized for them. When my fiance proposed I finally thought they were going to redeem themselves by contributing to my wedding. Not even. My grandmother and my fiance's parents on the other hand couldn't be more supportive. In my eyes they should not have to pay a dime because they are so sweet and have always been there for me. My grandmother is the most generous person I've ever met. She not only paid for my mom's four (that's right, four) weddings, she bought my fiance and I brand new furniture for our entire house. My mom and dad have both been married several times and spent a lavish amount on each one. They take vacations out of the country every few months and yet they whine and act shocked when I asked them what they were going to contribute to our wedding! Right now the choice is either run off to Vegas and elope (lol) or don't invite them. I really don't care about the wedding itself (we could get married in a homeless shelter for all I care). I just think it's unfair that my selfish parents should not pay for anything. What should I do?!

sapphirebaby926 · March 2010

If your're old enough to get married you're old enough to pay for it yourself. It was incredibly rude of you to ask your parents how much they were going to contribute and you owe them an apology for that.

What they do with their own money isn't any of your business and they are free to spend, or not spend, it as they please.

monsoon737 · March 2010

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for your own wedding. If they were uninvolved and cheap your entire life, why would you think that would change?

My parents paid for my sister's wedding and they are not planning to pay for mine. Am I going to ask them to pay? Hells no! Yes, I understand seeing it as a slight, but you're an adult. You are financially responsible for yourself.

If you don't want your grandmother to pay (and I assume she offered and you didn't ask, because that would be very rude of you), then pick yourself up by your big-girl pants and save up to pay for your own wedding. Yes, even if it means a longer engagement.

[Deleted User] · March 2010

I agree, you will just have to save up and pay for it yourself. Sounds like my situation. FI Grandma is paying for the church and FI's parents are doing the rehearsal dinner. I don't have a great relationship with my parents and I thought they would come thru, but they haven't and we are moving ahead without them. I told my Mom the same thing, I didn't care if she was there or not. It is hard, but you just gotta move on and not expect anything from anyone.

Butter Cookie · March 2010

So parents that have never been emotionally or financially there for you are not going to be emotionally or financially there for you?

Well. Color me shocked.

Be thankful you have people who care for you and want to help with this, and let it go. You're too old to hold onto this grudge. We can't choose who gives birth to us but we also can't always blame them for everything.

ThePinkSuperhero · March 2010

Your parents do not owe you a wedding. They can do whatever they want with their money. Welcome to adulthood

tlv204 · March 2010

It is no one's job at all to pay for your wedding. Accept graciously any money you do receive from anyone, then either make due with that amount or pay for the rest yourself. You're an adult. Hopefully. If they have acted emotionally abusive your whole life, why on earth would you expect things to change now? Furthermore, why would you use money to determine whether or not they are "redeeming" themselves? Dude.

nda_roxybabe · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parents-wont-pay-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:905ead2b-80b7-4c5d-a4de-d94ae1c0a2fdPost:2fb7a662-3fdc-4b1f-bab8-33807d0d411a">Parents won't pay up</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so I'm really not looking for sympathy here. Rather, I'm looking for a solution or diplomatic approach to my dilemma. My parents have been cheap, uninvolved, and downright emotionally abusive towards me my entire life. They are somewhat aware of their actions and yet they have never apologized for them. When my fiance proposed I finally thought they were going to redeem themselves by contributing to my wedding. Not even. My grandmother and my fiance's parents on the other hand couldn't be more supportive. In my eyes they should not have to pay a dime because they are so sweet and have always been there for me. My grandmother is the most generous person I've ever met. She not only paid for my mom's four (that's right, four) weddings, she bought my fiance and I brand new furniture for our entire house. My mom and dad have both been married several times and spent a lavish amount on each one. They take vacations out of the country every few months and yet they whine and act shocked when I asked them what they were going to contribute to our wedding! Right now the choice is either run off to Vegas and elope (lol) or don't invite them. I really don't care about the wedding itself (we could get married in a homeless shelter for all I care). I just think it's unfair that my selfish parents should not pay for anything. What should I do?!
Posted by liz&Coop2010[/QUOTE]

Well I'm sorry that your parents have no been super involved in your life but if thats the case why would you even expect them to pay for anything?
You shouldn't do anything, you can't do anything. Plan a wedding you can afford. Your parents raised you, they'redone. They are not required to pay for your wedding.

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

No one is in any way, shape or form, obligated to pay for your wedding but YOU. Suck it up and deal. You can pay for your "special day" with your own "special money".

tobeDrReed · March 2010

If your parents have always been selfish a-holes why do you expect more from them now?

cac847 · March 2010

I find it ironic that you're calling your parents selfish.

mininickle · March 2010

I am going to take a different approach to answering your question. First off, that sucks...it sounds like my Fiance's parents. His mom lied to him his whole childhood and his Dad left his wife and two sons (they lived in England) to move here and marry some broad he met online.

His dad and step mom ASKED us what the grooms side was meant to contribute to which I looked it up and said that the rehersal dinner was typically/traditionally hosted by the grooms side. At that point they, being the "victimized" and emotionally inept people they are, two weeks later attacked me (on my facebook page no less) and called me a bunch of names, saying that we only tried to make up with them because we wanted their money. *cough* bull *cough*

Moral of my story, sometimes it's easier to just NOT invite parents who don't care enough to grow up and handle a situation maturally. What I would suggest is that maybe you shouldn't have asked WHAT they could contribute and maybe asked IF they could contribute but not ask in a way where you were making it seem like if they gave you money for your wedding they would be making up for all the crap they put you through as a kid.

OR, do it your way and just don't invite them. Let THEM regret not acting like adults later down the road and doing whatever they could to make it to their daughter's wedding.

Sometimes parents SUCK! Don't let sucky parent's ruin your day!

Good luck!

rendoncindy · March 2010

Wow. Sorry, they are not required to pay for anything. You shouldn't have asked them to pay for anything either. Very rude. Whether they pay for something or not should not be the main element which decides if they are invited or not. If they were so horrible to you and you no longer have a relationship with them and that's why you don't want to invite them that's understandable, but saying something like "Oh, you could have come if you paid for my centerpieces" is very childish/selfish. My parents treated me just fine and I have a great relationship with them and even if they could afford it I would have never asked them to. My fiance and I planned on paying for our wedding ourselves from the beginning because we are grown ups. I couldn't imagine my wedding without them there. I wouldn't un-invite anyone just because they couldn't pay. That being said if someone is offering to help foot the bill as a favor, it is okay to accept. They however didn't offer, and you should apologize to them for asking.

wcvsb3b5 · March 2010

I finally thought they were going to redeem themselves by contributing to my wedding.
Why would they?

In my eyes they should not have to pay a dime because they are so sweet and have always been there for me.
If you don't think they should have to pay a dime then simply say "no, thank you" and pay for it yourself. Otherwise, as pp's have stated accept the money graciously.

My mom and dad have both been married several times and spent a lavish amount on each one. They take vacations out of the country every few months and yet they whine and act shocked when I asked them what they were going to contribute to our wedding!
It doesn't matter how much money they have or how much they spend, it is not their responsibility to pay for you wedding. It is EXTREMELY rude to ask anyone to help you pay for your wedding.

Right now the choice is either run off to Vegas and elope (lol) or don't invite them. I really don't care about the wedding itself (we could get married in a homeless shelter for all I care).
Why would you not invite them? Unless they did something horrible to you (which I don't see in the OP) then I don't understand why you wouldn't want your parents there. If you want to elope in Vegas or do a JOP then do it.

I just think it's unfair that my selfish parents should not pay for anything. What should I do?!
Grow up.

liz&Coop2010 · March 2010

Wow, what a good laugh ladies. With the exception of one post I literally giggled to myself until I cried a bit. Until (and only then) you have walked a mile in my shoes, please keep your ridiculous "lectures" to yourself. I came here looking for simple advice, not sympathy as I previously stated, and was verbally attacked my several unintelligent and spoiled Bridezillas. May God have mercy on your husbands. As I previously stated, until you have gone through physical, verbal, and sexual abuse your entire childhood your comments mean absolutely diddly-squat to me. I think you all know exactly where you can shove your "so-called" advice.

Please, no further comments on this post as my fiance and I have already laughed so hard over this we can't bear to read anymore.

redheadfsu · March 2010

1. You never ask people for money for YOUR wedding.
2. Don't expect people to pay for YOUR wedding.
3. You don't get to be mad at your parents for not paying your YOUR wedding.
4. They don't owe you a wedding. Sorry they have not been loving, now that sucks. But money is not love. So even if they pay they would still suck. Thinking your parents owe you a wedding sounds very self-entitled.
5. When one is an adult, one does not have to justify how they spend their money. It is their money, so they can do whatever they want with it. For example, if you spend your money on a fun trip you wouldn't have to justify it to anyone.
6. Pay for YOUR wedding yourself. As pps said if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for your wedding.

Edit: OP- This was written b/f I read your direct post above.

redheadfsu · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parents-wont-pay-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:905ead2b-80b7-4c5d-a4de-d94ae1c0a2fdPost:0ff6a80b-ca4d-4b87-93c4-2c49ed08b27d">Re: Parents won't pay up</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, what a good laugh ladies. With the exception of one post I literally giggled to myself until I cried a bit. Until (and only then) you have walked a mile in my shoes, please keep your ridiculous "lectures" to yourself. I came here looking for simple advice, not sympathy as I previously stated, and was verbally attacked my several unintelligent and spoiled Bridezillas.<strong> </strong>May God have mercy on your husbands. <strong>As I previously stated, until you have gone through physical, verbal, and sexual abuse your entire childhood your comments mean absolutely diddly-squat to me.</strong> I think you all know exactly where you can shove your "so-called" advice. Please, no further comments on this post as my fiance and I have already laughed so hard over this we can't bear to read anymore.Y
Posted by liz&Coop2010[/QUOTE]

Sorry but I didn't see where you post this b/f. Why would you even talk to your parents if they did this to you? Never talk to them again & especially don't ask them for money.

FormerlyCalla · March 2010

As the last poster said: never take money from people who have abused you, unless it's part of a legal settlement you've won. I don't really understand how contributing financially to your wedding would make up for what they did to you as a child. Paying for your nuptials won't 'undo' any of that. Good luck and take care.

duckie1905 · March 2010

So, if they paid for your wedding you would forgive the sexual abuse you suffered at the hand of your, I'm assuming, parents?

Okay then.

tawillers · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parents-wont-pay-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:905ead2b-80b7-4c5d-a4de-d94ae1c0a2fdPost:bd5a6c17-cdb6-4779-ac6a-82a92ea17ead">Re: Parents won't pay up</a>:
[QUOTE]So, if they paid for your wedding you would forgive the sexual abuse you suffered at the hand of your, I'm assuming, parents? Okay then.
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

I'm confused as to why you're even allowing them to be a part of your adult life.

Please seek counseling if you aren't already doing so. And quit asking your abusers for money.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

You asked them what they were going to contribute? That's where your problem began. The solution is to not expect a dime and work and save until you have enough for the wedding you desire to have.

Blizzlesgirl! · March 2010

Hee hee, SHE demands money from her parents are EVERYONE ELSE are spoiled bridezillas. Honey, have you ever heard the one about if everyone is saying the same thing except you, MAYBE IT'S YOU? LMAO.

swim1011 · March 2010

Ditto the PPs- you want money from people who have abused you your whole life? Why?? If it's been that bad, why are you even talking to them?

I almost understood where you were coming from. My parents told me they wouldn't be able to pay for our whole wedding, but did give us a small amount (which we're very thankful for). A couple months later, they renovated most of the house and my mom is going to be getting a very expensive diamond ring. Was I upset about that, when they said they had no money at all? Yup, but they're allowed to do what they want with their money. I put on my big girl panties and saved up my own damn money for our wedding.

All that being said, you lost me at wanting money from people who have never supported you, and then going off on the regulars, who know what they're talking about. Your situation is not unique, and we've seen it a million times before.

And beebee, I can't tell you how many times we've heard the 'I feel so bad for your husbands' line.

Heffalump · March 2010

Therapy. NFT

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