How to tell people you are not changing your last name

AllenBaker · April 2010

I have decided not to change my last name. I didn't think much of it until my shower last weekend. I received several monogramed things and items with my FI's last name on them. At the time, I just said thank you and commented on how pretty the things were, but I still feel like there must be some way for people to find out. I don't want to come across as ungrateful or pushy, but it is still something that I feel passionately about.
When I told some of my close family/friends about my decision, most were understanding but I did get a few "angry feminist" comments. I understand that name-changing is still the norm, but are there any etiquette-friendly ways to share my decision? Is it best to just let it go? (although it bugs me!)

jasmineh7777 · April 2010

Let it go. The way you handled the shower was perfect. If you want, you can have your family spread the word if people ask.
You really don't own anyone an explanation. It's your choice.
I'm not changing my name either. I just told my family that I didn't plan on changing it, and none of them were surprised.

brookelynpaisley · April 2010

Are you and your FH currently living together? If you're moving to a new place, you could put something about on your programs along the lines of:

The Happy Couple will be moving:
AllenBaker Lastname and Fiance Hislastname
Address
City, State

Also, when you send your thank you notes, have your return address label have your names as you intend to be called.

Nebb · April 2010

I think thats pretty rude of your friends to make comments like that.

AllenBaker · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:74473787-53d6-4ac8-8bc8-e49f990e6223">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]I think thats pretty rude of your friends to make comments like that.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

More so my future aunt in law who said that... apartently it is a huge diss to her nephew's manhood to not take his name (although he thinks it is wonderful that I am keeping mine). She's an awkward woman.

Nebb · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:ce33b76d-c986-458e-b307-c6241f5aec02">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name : More so my future aunt in law who said that... apartently it is a huge diss to her nephew's manhood to not take his name (although he thinks it is wonderful that I am keeping mine). She's an awkward woman.
Posted by AllenBaker[/QUOTE]
It sounds like it! As long as your FI is ok with it, who cares!

mags0607 · April 2010

I would just accept monogram things as gracefully as you can, and then just have your family spread the word around.

Most people will figure it out at the wedding when they announce you guys as Ms. Allenbaker lastname and Mr. AllenBakerFi Lastname, and not Mr and Mrs Allenbakerfi Lastname. I also like putting your return address for your thank you notes with both of your names.

Sunshine9463 · April 2010

Yup, Nebb said what I was thinking.

It is between the two of you. If you are both on board, it's no one else's business.

ThePinkSuperhero · April 2010

I didn't change my name; in fact, my husband took my last name. I don't know that we spread it around too much before the wedding- shown by the fact that we got lots of checks to Mr. and Mrs. His Name! Even that hasn't been too hard. Facebook is another great way to spread the word, if you use it- people will see that you don't change your name.

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:e52d7bd0-4353-4b52-87f4-5dc299fa0c84">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, when you send your thank you notes, have your return address label have your names as you intend to be called.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

We did this, and even had new address labels printed out for our new address right away so people would get that the names were current. We still got Christmas cards and checks to "The Smiths," or "Beatlesgirl Smith," mostly from H's side of the family. It got to where we had to repeatedly tell them, then found out that H's stepmom had told her family that I was changing my name, even though she knew I wasn't. I think it was her passive aggressive way to judge our choice, so it was very weird.

So moral of the story is, sometimes people just don't get it. Just do what's reasonable and know that some people will never catch on or accept it.

tenofcups4me · April 2010

A couple of easy things you can do:

- Be announced at the ceremony and into the reception as [Ms.] Jane Doe and [Mr.] John Smith (with or without titles)

- Have the front of your thank you cards read: Jane Doe and John Smith (with or without titles)

- Include an at-home card with your thank yous that has your full names and contact information (phone, address, email)

And of course spread it by word of mouth to your family and friends. Dh and I both correct anyone who calls me by his last name, though I wouldn't have done that in the middle of a shower of course! Fortunately most people who knew me knew I wouldn't change my name so I never got any monogrammed gifts from anyone.

AllenBaker · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:55670dac-2904-4a6a-8b96-2e05b84a7c6b">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name : We did this, and even had new address labels printed out for our new address right away so people would get that the names were current. We still got Christmas cards and checks to "The Smiths," or "Beatlesgirl Smith," mostly from H's side of the family. It got to where we had to repeatedly tell them, then found out that H's stepmom had told her family that I was changing my name, even though she knew I wasn't. I think it was her passive aggressive way to judge our choice, so it was very weird. So moral of the story is, sometimes people just don't get it. Just do what's reasonable and know that some people will never catch on or accept it.
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

Oh wow! Thanks for sharing that story, it's crazy how "out there" of an idea it is to a lot of people... I thought it was a lot more common than it is for a bride to keep her birth name. I hope your husband's step mom comes around and respects your decision.

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:a1722315-a0ae-44dc-a0e4-6d72c8936dfd">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name : Oh wow! Thanks for sharing that story, it's crazy how "out there" of an idea it is to a lot of people... I thought it was a lot more common than it is for a bride to keep her birth name. I hope your husband's step mom comes around and respects your decision.
Posted by AllenBaker[/QUOTE]

Oh thanks. I think she gets it now. :) I too am surprised at how much of an issue it seems to be for some people in this day and age, but perhaps I underestimate the value of tradition. I admit I am impressed by men who change their names to their wife's last name. It's just not something I would ever ask or expect H to do, even though there's nothing wrong with it. So I can see how someone might feel the same way about us keeping our names, if that's not what they're used to.

Catwoman708 · April 2010

Spread the new word-of-mouth, and put your full names on your thank you notes. The signatures, and the return address.

Or it may be a little old fashioned, but you can give out "at home cards" or use them as tags if you are having favor bags. They are similar to a business card, but with your new names as you want to be called, address, and phone #s (I guess you could include e-mails if you wanted). So guests can update your contact information.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/at-home-wedding-invitation-cards.aspx

AllenBaker · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:a977ae5a-4852-4c32-a6c7-85ee64995831">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name : Oh thanks. I think she gets it now. :) I too am surprised at how much of an issue it seems to be for some people in this day and age, but perhaps I underestimate the value of tradition. I admit I am impressed by men who change their names to their wife's last name. It's just not something I would ever ask or expect H to do, even though there's nothing wrong with it. So I can see how someone might feel the same way about us keeping our names, if that's not what they're used to.
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

Very well put. I love that there are so many options available now for couples (although some are faced with a bit more opposition than others). As long as no one else tells me that it is "disrespectful" to not change my name or that we are not fully commited because of it, I am fine with a few eyebrow raises!

AllenBaker · April 2010

The at home cards idea is an interesting idea(although we do live together), thank you for the article. I will definitely make sure to include my name as part of the thank you note. It's nice to hear that there are other brides out there that are in the same boat as me! Thank you everyone who posted!

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:a77533f3-2017-4625-a8bc-54ce6aa6ddb1">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name : Very well put. I love that there are so many options available now for couples (although some are faced with a bit more opposition than others). As long as no one else tells me that it is "disrespectful" to not change my name or that we are not fully commited because of it, I am fine with a few eyebrow raises!
Posted by AllenBaker[/QUOTE]

That does suck to be thrown the "disrespectful" line by people who have no business determining this choice for you and your FI. I think people who say that are projecting their own feelings of being offended onto your FI, but it's still really rude. It's not like anyone keeps their name out of spite or to hurt or antagonize their FI! At least I hope not. ;)

I went to a wedding last year where the bride and groom both changed their names to a combination of their original last names. It was really cool to see, and you can't get more fair than that!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:c21d1c51-b600-4ad9-8479-ce33d860e62e">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]Let it go. The way you handled the shower was perfect. If you want, you can have your family spread the word if people ask. You really don't own anyone an explanation. It's your choice. I'm not changing my name either.<strong> I just told my family that I didn't plan on changing it, and none of them were surprised.</strong>
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, my mom, my FI and several friends have asked. None of them were surprised that I wasn't changing my name. It seemed more like they asked as a confirmation. Frankly, it was kind of presumptious for your guests to assume you were changing it. Though I agree handling it graciously was best. But really, even they don't personally know anyone who kept their name (which I find hard to believe) I'm sure they KNOW that some women do. However, I do understand that many women with "wedding fever" talk about how they "Can't wait to be Mrs. Smith!"</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, I just plan on bringing it up as it comes up. My thank you notes will be signed with my first and last name. My last name will be on our return address labels. If anyone mentions my "new name" I will gently correct them. That's all.</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-people-not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c804173-6927-4713-9ca6-86b37426099ePost:6cf6fcbc-3e6a-4fed-996c-e3d446b649af">Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell people you are not changing your last name : It sounds like it! As long as your FI is ok with it, who cares!
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree, though I'd like to think that I wouldn't be marrying a guy who wasn't "okay" with me not changing my name. :-)</div><div>
</div><div>As for facebook, some people change their name later on. (Technically, you can keep your maiden name indefinitely and get around to changing it years later.) So I wouldn't count on that as conveying information.</div><div>
</div><div>And honestly, I can see how some women can see it as judging THEIR choice if you make a different choice. As if you have disdain for women who change their name. Which is obviously not that case, I'm sure, but I can see how that happens.</div>

Becky&Chris · April 2010

It just seems like insecurity when people judge others for choices like this. My FSIL did not change her name and some of the older family members seemed to bristle at her choice. Having the same name is not remotely representative of your committment to one another, IMO, and there shouldn't be judgement either way.

I think people will eventually get it when you send them Christmas cards, Birthday cards, etc. I would say maybe ask supportive family members to spread the word, but I think that might make a bigger deal out of it than it is. It sucks that people make that assumption, but I think handling it graciously as you have so far is the right move, and eventually people will catch on.

Calypso1977 · April 2010

in addition to me making it pretty known in conversation that i wasnt changing, we also had our thank yous printed up with our first and last names.

i then had address labels made up with our first and last names.

we then sent out our christmas cards pretty early with the proper names.

we still got afew xmas cards with Mr. and Mrs. Jones, but then i emailed or mentioned it to those individuals when i saw them next. they said they didnt realize i didnt change (!!!) but that theyd fix their address books going forward adn they did.

the only people who were jerks about my not changing were H's family (and his brother, especially - he picked a fight with me 2 days before the wedding) and my sister (she had all of the feminist comments). Everyone else was great.

in this day and age, no one shoudl assume you will change.

also, in my personal opinion, which many can disagree with, is pick a name and stick to it. i think the bulk of confusion comes when brides try to use one name socially, one professionally or they dotn correct it when they get addresed Mr. and Mrs Jones. A good friend of mine does this, and honestly, i dont even know what her legal name is as she goes by both. I guess you either want to keep your name or you want to change, and it is a choice we all get here in tehse modern times - so lets exercise that right and make a choice, and stick to it whichever one you prefer.

DaniC26 · April 2010

I'm not changing my name because A) I like my name, and

we have the same first names, so we think having the same first AND last names is a little crazy.

And I KNOW we'll get comments from the FFIL. We were talking about the invites and something was said about how one of the FH's cousins didn't take her husbands last name and I said how I didn't know that and I send it to Mr and Mrs, and FFIL butts in and says, "well, thats what you do! Didn't you send it to Mr. and Mrs. FI brothers lastname?"

I said no, because thats not her name, she didn't change it, and he looked pissed. So I can just imagine what he'll say when he finds out BOTH of his daughter in laws are not changing their names. And he'll call me by Mrs. FI because he'll think it's funny.

Side vent about that - since he collected addresses from the FI's side, I now may have sent invitations addressed to people wrong. Sigh. The man drives me crazy.

Calypso1977 · April 2010

Side vent about that - since he collected addresses from the FI's side, I now may have sent invitations addressed to people wrong.

well, the good thing is you have the opportunity to correct this when you do your table/place cards, adn certainly when you send your thank yous.

i give everyone a "free pass" the first time. its once they've been told i didnt change that i get pissy if tehy persist. i wouldnt sweat it.

How to tell people you are not changing your last name

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