Living together

sassycass22 · October 2010

My FI and I have been together for almost 2 years, and living together for more than half that time. We just got engaged this past weekend (finally!). We also just moved a month and a half ago to a new apartment, and recently settled on a church that we like and would like to join. Now, we will have to bring up the engagement at the same time as registering to become members of the parish. SO, how do I deal with the fact that we are living together before marriage? It's going to become obvious when we have the same address on our applications.

I looked at the church's website, the marriage section, and one part stated something like, we expect all couples that approach us for the sacrament of marriage are aware of the Church's teaching on co-habitation, and we assume that the couple is not living together.

I know that couples get married in the Catholic church that are already living together, but I'm just not sure how to approach the subject with the priest without being too awkward.... !!!! Any advice?

mica178 · October 2010

Congratulations on your engagement!

I did not live with my fiance before we were married, but a lot of the couples in our EE were cohabiting. The best thing to do is be upfront about your cohabitation with your priest. Every priest is different, and some may decline to marry you unless you change your situation, but you won't find out until you talk with the priest.

What I can say is that you shouldn't lie about your living situation. Marriage is a sacrament, and a blatant lie is a sin. Better to collaborate with your priest to find a mutually acceptable solution than to enter a sacrament with a lie, in my opinion.

Good luck!

portialoveschris · October 2010

We live together and our priest is pretty high up in the MIlwaukee Archdiocese, and he was non-judgmental. I was a bit nervous too, but he learned about our circumstances (job loss/transfer) and he took it in stride.

I think many priests know that it's pretty common these days, especially with the economy.

Congratulations on your engagement!

[Deleted User] · October 2010

Congrats on your engagement!

I agree with mica about being upfront and honest with the priest. Almost all of the couples in our EE weekend lived together.

My husband and I did live together before marriage due to financial reasons. While it wasn't the most ideal situation, our priest (we had one we already knew at the church where we got married as H was member there before moving) was understanding of it. We each had our own seperate bedrooms and bathrooms. Our priest encouraged us to do what was right as far as not engaging in sexual activity, seeing each other naked, etc. It was hard and definitely a challenge, but worth the wait.

However, I have heard that co-habitating before marriage & agreeing to marry a couple (while not accepted in the Church) varies depending on the priest. Like I said, H and I already had a priest at the church and he was aware of our situation, etc. Although I am not saying that gave us an excuse, it felt better for me to give him the facts as we really did not want to live together before marriage.

SaraAndrew2010 · October 2010

FI and I live together and I've found the priests we've worked with to be fairly non-judgemental. Two of the priests didn't bring up issues with our cohabitation and one priest mentioned that it goes against the teachings of the Church but didn't dwell on the matter.

Also, you might find this information from a report of the US conference of bishops on cohabitation and marriage
http://www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/cohabiting.shtml:

If a couple is cohabiting, can marriage be denied or delayed?
Denial of marriage -- Since cohabitation is not in itself a canonical impediment to marriage, the couple may not be refused marriage solely on the basis of cohabitation. Marriage preparation may continue even if the couple refuses to separate. Pastoral ministers can be assured that to assist couples in regularizing their situation is not to approve of cohabitation.
Delay or postponement of the marriage -- Some diocesan policies note that in certain circumstances a postponement of the wedding might be in order. In these cases additional time might be needed to address the issues raised by cohabitation. For example, a concern for the impact of cohabitation on the couple's freedom to marry could be a reason to delay the marriage until this issue is sufficiently explored as part of marriage preparation (Archdiocese of Detroit; Archdiocese of Miami)Since couples have a natural and canonical right to marriage, any delay beyond the normal waiting period for all couples is a serious matter. Care must be taken to ensure that delay is not used as a punishment for a couple's continued cohabitation. (See Bishop John D'Arcy's letter to priests of the Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend, ORIGINS, October 1, 1998.)

bibliophile2010 · October 2010

While I generally agree with most of what the PPs already stated (most priests do marry couples who cohabitate; it is not a technical impediment to marriage), I think it is important to note that the church officially says that cohabitation should be avoided. In your case, since your church says that they expect couples not to cohabitate, I think you should expect that the priest you meet with will not be as flexible in the cohabitation department as some.

That said, go in, be honest, and see what guidance the priest has for you.

TerriandJoe · October 2010

Most often the nature of how you are living together is what matters -

Are you playing "husband & wife" - ie - one bedroom, one bed

Or living as roommates? (seperate bedrooms)

As long as you act like roommates, you should most likely be ok.

st_nortiz · October 2010

It really does just depend on the priest and the church. My Fiance and I have been dating for 8 yrs and living together for 7 yrs. Now there were circumstances as to why we moved intogether it was just better for the both of us at the time. I have been going to school in and graduate from a university in December. Our intentions were always to get married, but our focus has been on my school and our careers.
Anyway, when it came time to talk to the priest I was to nervous to go so my fiance went alone. The priest did not like that we were living together but agreed to marry us under certain circumstances. -that we sleep in seperate bedrooms and literally live like brother and sister not as a couple.

mrabbito · October 2010

our priest was fine with the fact that we live together. he was so appreciative of the fact that we are acutally getting married in a church, as he has seen a decline in amount of people having church weddings.

agreed that it will vary from priest to priest, i have heard of instances where they will ask you to adjust your living situation ect. be honest and hopefully you can come to a reasonable resolution!

Littlin · October 2010

We lived together as well, and our priest was understanding. I would just tell him the truth and hope that he will marry you. I wouldn't lie, however.

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