Etiquette for newly postpartum bridesmaid

Sara686 · August 2012

My fiance and I are in the process of setting a date for our wedding. His sister and her husband are going to be in the bridal party, and she is expecting. I don't want to set a date too close to her due date obviously, and I also want to give her enough time to recuperate before she and her husband have to get on a plane with a newborn.

Any thoughts on a good length of time to wait past her due date? We really would like them to be in our wedding.

ootmother2 · August 2012

Give them 3 months

Babies come early, babies come late, complications come or they don't.

3 months is a safety zone

afeliz79 · August 2012

Ask them.

misssunshine17 · August 2012

I second asking them. There's no way for us to know how long they'll want to wait before traveling with a newborn.

crash2729 · August 2012

I Agree with oot that 3 months should be enough time.

However, if you plan your wedding for 3 months after the due date, it's still their right to decide that they don't want to take the baby on the plane or travel yet.

There are no guarantees.

ETA: Unless you're really committed to them coming I would just plan the wedding when you want. What happens if they don't want to travel with the baby for 6 mos?

Sara686 · August 2012

My hope was that someone who has actually HAD a newborn would be able to comment on the recovery period and how they would feel about participating in a wedding - bear in mind, this is their first child so how would they know?

crash2729 · August 2012

Everyone is different.

Just because one person here was good to go in two months doesn't mean your FSIL will be.

allychase · August 2012

Two of my bridesmaids are currently TTC, but I'm planning the wedding around what works for us. It will REALLY suck if either of them can't make it but you can't revolve your wedding day around them, nor can they revolve when they have a child around your wedding day. Just plan the day that suits you and your FI wishes and time constraints and hope they can make it.

Like PP have said there's no way of knowing how comfortable they will be flying with a newborn. Personally I don't think I would want to fly with a child til they're like 5. How far along is she BTW?? If you're looking to book a date within like 10 months you should decide somewhat soon and start booking a venue and vendors.

jessicabessica · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-newly-postpartum-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67ee7edd-8b15-4aa7-9301-3a2d007ff989Post:522dd8bb-ec71-438d-b177-e45ef9919165">Re: Etiquette for newly postpartum bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]My hope was that someone who has actually HAD a newborn would be able to comment on the recovery period and how they would feel about participating in a wedding - bear in mind, this is their first child so how would they know?
Posted by Sara686[/QUOTE]

<div>Did you miss the part about babies being unpredictable? There are so many variables, one person's experience cannot predict another. </div><div>
</div><div>If you will be ok if they cannot come, then ask them what they think will be reasonable, and plan around that. I would ask them more so they cannot accuse you of being inconsiderate of their baby in the event they cannot come--this is kind of how it works in my family, so I take that approach, althought I understand not everyone would need to.</div>

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

Unfortunately, I don't think you can get an answer you're looking for from a new mother, because like everyone said, each story is so very different and each baby is so different. We have a friend who just gave birth to her first child two weeks again, two days before her due date, and a week later was out running errands and walking with her daughter.

We have another friend who had her baby almost two months pre-mature, spent the next three months with her baby in the hospital, and then after that had to pretty much stay inside with her daughter for awhile because she was still so small for her age and her immune system wasn't up to par yet with other babies. Both women were about the same age and in good health, but both birth stories were vastly different.

I would plan for about 3 months postpartum and hope for the best, understanding they still may not want to come. But like someone else pointed out, they may be uncomfortable attending 6 or 9 months after. If you're OK at letting them decide the date, that's fine, but realize it may not be in the time frame you're wanting.

amymaysa · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-for-newly-postpartum-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67ee7edd-8b15-4aa7-9301-3a2d007ff989Post:522dd8bb-ec71-438d-b177-e45ef9919165">Re: Etiquette for newly postpartum bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]My hope was that someone who has actually HAD a newborn would be able to comment on the recovery period and how they would feel about participating in a wedding - bear in mind, this is their first child so how would they know?
Posted by Sara686[/QUOTE]

Everyone is different and they won't know until after the baby is born.

Ask them...it is your sister afterall..it shouldn't be awkward

Meghannsix · August 2012

I agree with PP's, there's no way to know for sure, everyone is different, and at least 3 months is probably a good buffer zone. My son was born the day before Easter. We left the hospital on Easter morning, and went to two separate family dinners. I took him with me grocery shopping a week later. A friend of mine only left the house for doctor's appointments for the next three months. It's very individual, ask them what they think they might be comfortable with.

Maggie0829 · August 2012

Talk to your sister. She is the only one who can tell you how she thinks she might feel. But be prepared that she may change her mind once the baby is born and reality has set in.

SB1512 · August 2012

Agree that everyone is different. My friend has baby that is 6 months old. Her and her husband just spent 4 days in Mexico for a destination wedding and left the baby with one of the grandparents instead of traveling with him. Not everyone would be ok with leaving their young child for that long, but for some people it works and they are fine with it. Granted I know you are asking about flying but I figured the story was a good example of how everyone differs on what they are ok with arranging regarding a baby.

jennylee813 · August 2012

You should ask her - three months sounds reasonable, especially since they may want to show the baby off to family, and coming to a wedding would be the perfect opportunity for everyone to meet the newest family member at once. But ... are you okay with that?

Are you okay with the baby being present? How will you feel if your sister has to breastfeed throughout the day? Will it impact you, or will you just be glad that they're all there?

I was a bm four months after my son was born. It was in the same town, but I still had to coordinate sitters, express breastmilk, and worry about leaving ds for an entire day/evening. We had never been apart for any amount of time. I was fine for the first little while, but by the time we were taking pictures, I was getting worried.

From your sister's pov, some worries might be: traveling with the baby, upsetting a new routine, her postpartum figure (she may not want to be in pictures at that point - it takes a year for your body to truly return to pre-pregnancy condition, even your ribcage has to move back into place), and fluctuating hormones. Three months sounds like a lot, but when you ask a new mom, her baby is 12 weeks old, not three months.

You need to have a serious conversation with her, let her know that her comfort is a priority and that she needs to make the best decision for her and the baby, and you won't hate her if she chooses to sit in the front with her infant, rather than stand up beside you.

tmwishful · August 2012

My child just turned 1. I didn't do much in the first 3 months. I had a C section which went well, but hardly left the house in the first month. By month 3 I was doing more. It's not just the mother's recovery, but the baby's schedule stabilizing. I think 3 months is reasonable, but they may feel differently. Looking back, I wish I had taken the baby out more. If you're having a wedding that's earlier in the day it would be easier for them. I don't know about air travel, as I haven't attempted it yet with my LO.

LDubHawksFan · August 2012

Ask her. Right around when we were setting our date, my MOH told me that they were pregnant! Her due date is 3 wks before our wedding date, but I really didn't want to push it back. She is still adament about them flying out for my wedding with the newborn (some doctors consider it fine after 2 wks). Some mothers won't feel comfortable with that though.

MyCousinVinny · August 2012

As a first time mom of an almost 1 year old, I have to agree with everyone above. Each woman and baby are very different. I just took my DD on a plane trip this past week and I am vowing to NEVER travel with a child on a plane prior to 2 years old unless absolutely necessary. When I had her, it was an unplanned C-section and I was up and about several weeks after but I only left the house when needed. In addition, my DD had colic and it didn't subside until about 4 months. So again, I only went out when I had to at that point. But like everyone else has stated, each baby is different and hers could be an extremely easygoing baby. But you should plan your wedding around what works for you and your FI. Good luck!!

FormerlyAK · August 2012

I have a baby. When I was pregnant I would have said I'd be good to go at 3 months postpardum. But my ds was pre-term, had major reflux issues that caused him to vomit all.the.time (and there's no way in hell I would have taken him on a plane when that was going on), was colicy for the first three months, didn't sleep more than 3 hours at a time until about 12 months unless I put him in the swing next to my bed. On top of that I had post pardum depression and had no time off left from work because I went in to pre-term labor and had a c-section so I took a lot more time off when I had the baby than I expected. So, I think it is really unpredictable.

How far away do they live? Are we talking an hour plane ride or 5 hours? If it's more than an hour plane ride and you REALLY want them there, I'd give more of a buffer than 3 months -- maybe 6. Even with all the barfing and lack of sleep, I had a better handle on it by 6 months and would have been albe to make that work.

gailpete · August 2012

PP has an excellent point about the length of the plane ride. An hour OK, longer than that you start looking at the logistics of diaper changes, breast feeding, etc., which are tough enough for an experienced parent to deal with in the cramped quarters of a coach seat on a plane. For a new parent, it would be a nightmare. I would also agree that a minimum of 3 months after for the trip, but 6 months would be preferrable.

Nevtali · August 2012

My daughter is a year old, and we've taken several flights of different lengths (two, five, and twelve hours). Traveling with her at four months was much easier than it was at ten. Her schedule had stabilized but she wasn't super active yet. I'd say 3-6 months is the sweet spot. Pregnancy and the post-partum period are kind of a traumatic mess for a lot of people, though, so be prepared for something to come up.

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