QOTD (Pre-Cana inspired)

bridetobe71412 · March 2012

Hi ladies!

Fiance and I had Pre Cana this weekend. It ended up being less religious than I expected, and a lot of the discussion was actually really interesting.

One question that we went over was something to the effect of, "Are you concerned that your future spouse's family will require too much attention?"

That actually lead to a really good discussion between fiance and I about the extent to which we thought our families would become involved in our marriage. Since we plan on moving to fiance's hometown within the next year, I voiced my concerns that his parents would require that we see them too frequently. As it is, his mother flies in for work every few weeks and we have to spend basically all weekend with her. I also found out that fiance is concerned that since my mom will be in a different state, either 1) we'd have to visit her very frequently so she didn't complain, and/or 2) she will be visiting us very frequently. She has joked about us needing to have a "Guest house" for her, but I think she's mostly (hopefully?) joking. I think we're also both concerned that it's going to be a point of contention when we're deciding which family to spend holidays with since it would be easier to spend with fiance's family, but I know my mom would be devastated. She wasn't very happy when I went to fiance's hometown for Thanksgiving last year and that was just one holiday!

Anyway, that's my way of asking you guys the same thing -- Are you concerned that family commitments are going to overwhelm you? If so, what steps are you going to take to ensure that it doesn't become a major issue?

butterflyjumper1 · March 2012

It is really interesting that you brought this up - my fiance and I had a very, very similar conversation with each other over the weekend!

My parents live about 20 minutes away from us in the suburbs, while fiance's parents are about 45-50 minutes away. My parents are very active, love coming downtown to see us/do activities, and even though basketball season is over now, we went to many of my dad's games and saw my parents at the games.
His parents are older, homebodies, don't like to leave the small town that they live in, and basically, it is always very awkward and difficult to make plans with them (to see them, we basically have to drive to them, and they it turns into an overnight and extended long visit).

My fiance mentioned to me that he doesn't always tell his parents about all of the times that he sees my parents, because he worries that they would be offended that we see my parents so much. That really threw me, because it wasn't something I had really thought about.

My fiance knows that I am extremely close with my family and knows what he is getting into (I am an only child and I can't imagine not spending a lot of time with my family - I also know my parents are going to insist on doing lots of babysitting once we have children). He isn't overwhelmed with my family - sometimes the commitments tend to be overly time-consuming, but we do a good job of talking about it.

I think our problem is actually the opposite of your question, which I talked to my fiance about over the weekend. We need to do a better job of being proactive and scheduling time with his parents so he doesn't feel as though too much time is being spent with my family - even though it wasn't necessarily my fault, it really made me feel guilty when he mentioned his quasi lies to me. They live close enough that we have no excuses to not see them more than we do. Once we have children this will be even more important for us to do.

penny12986 · March 2012

*Sorry, I don't know why the font is like this =/

FI and I have discussed many times the fact that we are going to be setting boundaries with our families. My parents live much closer than his but they all seem to have their own opinions on how we should do everything from planning for the future to choosing a certain type of curtains.

I have a brother who has children and we are expected to show up at every little milestone for them. They don’t understand the fact that we couldn’t care less that my nephew learned how to tie his shoes. It’s exhausting because we see them once a month and they think that we should be over every weekend.

Both sets of families have recently started to pressure us about our decision to not have children. FI and I have discussed this A LOT together so we know this is the right choice for us but my point is that if we had not communicated about this before so deeply, it could have led to a major problem for us.

FI and I have similar outlooks on life which differ from our parents and this helps us to stay united if either of our families become overbearing. Since FI is an only child, his mother is constantly emailing me about things that don’t interest me and trying to make me the daughter she never had. Luckily, she lives 200 miles away so that helps.

Communicating with your partner is the biggest way to avoid these issues. Make sure that you are clear with your families now about your boundaries so that when other things start happening, it won’t seem like such a surprise to other family members.

ceglare4 · March 2012

This is a really interesting discussion! Both sets of my parents and FI's mom live in the same city as us. FI's dad lives in GR which is about an hour away from us. We see my mom about once a week right now, which is leaps and bounds more than we see FI's family. I actually don't remember the last time we spent time with FI's mom. We actually see his dad more and he's an hour away.

Thankfully for us FI and I are on the same page about our respective families. FI doesn't really enjoy spending time with his family (mom or dad) and has made every effort to distance himself from them. But he enjoys spending time with my family. I know that this could change over the years but if/when it does, we'll talk about it then. For now though, my family is much more involved in our lives than his family is and we're both okay with that.

colleenm18 · March 2012

FI & I are already overwhelmed by family commitments hahah. We both come from divorced parents but are very close to all four sets! Holidays are the hardest trying to split the time between everyone without hurting feelings so we have just learned to rotate.

We always talk it over when we are spending time with family and we try to make sure that we split time evenly or give a heads up to one another if we feel like we are leaving someone out. Its not always the easiest thing to do but we try our best!

LADY324 · March 2012

For us both sets of our parents are very involved in our lives. My parents live in the same town as us and his parents live in the town that we grew up in. We see both sets of our parents at least once a week. His parents are retired and we have a dog so they offered to pick him up everyday and bring him to their house until we get out of work. So I see his parents several days a week when I pick the dog up.

I would like for us to be a little bit more independent. We plan on moving in the next 3 years so I told FI I would really like to be about 30 minutes away from our parents. I just want a little distance so it's not so easy for everyone to just stop by for a minute for something ya know. I do like his parents a lot but they are older he is an only child and they baby him so much. I think us moving away might help them to stop it.

Nati05 · March 2012

This is a topic that we don't really have a lot of say in. We both are very family oriented, though I might be a little bit more than he is. However, the fact that we're both from different countries as well as our families, we're very aware one of us will always have to deal with the seperation from their family. Since we're currently living in his country, we see his family a lot. They live very close by and his family seems to have gotten even closer to him emotionally now that they have the possibility of us moving one day, hanging over them. We see them minimum twice a week. Once a week is rare. For the most part, I do enjoy it. Being that I'm very family oriented, it comforts me to be in a family setting so that works fine for me. However there are days I get sick of them and I wish we didn't have to spend all day with them twice in a row. Sometimes being with them so much makes me homesick for my own family. But, it's a difficult situation and the good thing is we are both very understanding about the whole thing. While we are here, I would never make him choose between his family and me and I know he feels the same way about me and my family. It just makes me sad to think one day, if we move to the states, he'll be feeling what I sometimes feel now. And that breaks my heart. Luckily, we were born in the 21st century with plenty of technology to keep in touch while miles away!

MeaganR12 · March 2012

We've dealt with this our entire relationship and have just recently found something that works for us (for now). My entire family lives in Northern California and his entire family lives in Colorado (fun fact-I have distant cousins in northern CO and he has distant cousins in southern CA). I lived there with him for a year, he's lived here 2 years, both of our families are demanding in different ways.

Two years ago marked the first time where we spent holidays together instead of separate. We decided that since we lived near my family and saw them all the time that we would do Thanksgiving here and Christmas in CO, with maybe a few flip flopped every few years. Both of us have difficult families at times, but there's no major issues.

I think the hardest part will be when we have kids. We watch how FI's parents are towards his brother with their kids and they're a bit controlling. But FI stands up to his parents much more than his brother does, so hopefully we have a different outcome. My FI worries that my parents will spoil our kids, which is probably true, but he knows I'm pretty good at standing up to them too.

dramaqueen91087 · March 2012

Luckily my FI and I have been together for a long time so we have this mostly figured out. Also, our families are different religions so for the most part holidays don't have to be split. We spend Thanksgiving with my family, since his doesn't make a big deal out of it. For Christmas (the one non-Jewish holiday my family does), right now we live with my parents so clearly we spend more time there but we make sure to visit his that day. Since they live in the same town when we move out we will probably split the day between the two families. All other (religious) holidays are easy since only one family celebrates them. We go his for easter, mine for passover. The struggle with that one has been explaining to his grandma why I'm barely eating anything! (can't eat anything breaded on Passover, which is often around easter). I'm sure it will get more complicated when we have kids though.

k8888 · March 2012

FI's parents kind of made this easy for us since they've decided to move to Arizona after FMIL retires next year. I think they know it will, financially, be difficult for us to visit them more than once or twice a year... and once we start having kids, forget it... I'm not flying with babies. FI has a very strange relationship with his parents so I've left it up to him to have this discussion with them... I'm just wondering if they plan on staying with US when they fly in for visits....

My mom and I are very close, so I forsee us spending a lot of time with her, since she will be living on her own and will eventually be more involved in taking care of her aging mother (my grandma). I still live with her until we find a house within the next couple of months, so as much as it hurts for me to leave her by herself, I'm very much looking forward to having some independence with FI. We can't afford to move anywhere near where I live now, so it'll be nice to have some distance.

bridetobe71412 · March 2012

I love this thread! I'm so glad I asked about it. It's so interesting to hear that the same things are going on for all of us!

I think the biggest issue will definitely be when we have kids. But I think what Penny said is especially important - to communicate with your fiance clearly and often and set boundaries/expectations early with both sets of families. We are pretty good at it now but when we have kids, I just know it's going to be harder to say "No, we can't host you this week, although I know it's been months since you've seen your grandkid(s)" or "No, we can't go to your house for Christmas" or whatnot.

Rebis58 · March 2012

Are you concerned that family commitments are going to overwhelm you? If so, what steps are you going to take to ensure that it doesn't become a major issue?

This isn't an issue for us at all. Don't get me wrong, I am very close to my family, but I am also ok with being away from them. I talk to them on the phone regularly and love visiting, but I haven't lived in the same town as any of my family members since I was 18 (besides a few summers in the beginning). My parents also have 4 kids, a new grandson, and very busy work lives (doctor and teacher) and active social lives, so they definitely are not needy for my attention at all! Although they love when I come visit.

For FI, again he is very close to his family but since his parents split when he was young, he's used to being away from at least one parent for periods of time, and they're used to sharing him. His dad is a very busy, active guy with his girlfriend, and his mom also has a very full, busy life with her husband and FI's 11 year old half brother. Again, while they love when he visits and love talking to him, they aren't needy for his attention at all.

None of our parents are overbearing or controlling. It's very important to me that we see/communicate with both of our families often and stay equally connected to both, and I know FI feels the same way.

Now, if I had awful in laws I might feel different, but they are wonderful so I really feel like I just have a bigger family than I used to.

The only issue will be holidays - I REALLY don't want to give up my family Christmas, especially now that I have a new nephew in my life. We have discussed the possibility of continuing to go our separate ways at Christmas until we have kids of our own, but we'll cross that bridge when it gets here in 9 months or so! Ultimately, when we start sharing holidays between families, I will be fair. But it'll make me sad too.

BrightFirefly · March 2012

I've never heard of a Pre-Cana before. For some reason - I thought this was going to be about food.

Are you concerned that family commitments are going to overwhelm you? If so, what steps are you going to take to ensure that it doesn't become a major issue?
FI's family is already an issue IMO. They live about 14 hours away - and just can't understand why we can't make it to birthday parties and baptisms with a week notice invite. To make it worse, abuela doesn't understand either and gets all cranky when we have to turn down the offers.

My family is tiny. Just my mom, dad and my grandma that I see regularly. I see my parents at least twice a week for jeopardy nights. FI actually is always trying to invite my parents over more often - but they're sort of homebodies. During football season, we spent every Sunday there.

I think our ONLY dilemma is Christmas/Holiday season. I'm an only child and the thought of leaving my parents on Christmas day makes me want to throw up. FI wants to spend this Christmas with his family (which I completely understand..I'm not whining)..so..I'm not sure how we'll work that one out.

BmoreBride311 · March 2012

The only thing I'm concerned about is holidays. My parents are divorced, and FI's are not, so that's three sets of families. I usually spend Thanksgiving with my dad and Christmas with my mom. In the 10 years we've been together, FI and I have never spent Christmas together, and we only spent Thanksgiving together once this past year, b/c we were in London and couldn't be with our parents anyway.

I have no idea how we are going to manage seeing all three families without spending half of Christmas traveling. Our parents have already asked us several times what we'll do, but we just avoid the question :-/

YuMMMy721 · March 2012

This has become an interesting problem with us. I am incredibly close to my family and travel to see them at least once a month. My parents live about 2.5 hours away and my sister lives about 2 hours away. So when we go up we stay for the weekend. We also will often times meet in the middle and all spend a day together doing something fun. I grew up in a tiny town where the closest grocery store was 30 minutes away so to me driving 2 hours to see family is nothing, FI however hates the drive. He loves my family and doesn't mind seeing them (in fact enjoys seeing them) but complains about the long drive.

FI is not very close to his family although he wishes that he was at times, and tries to force it which is really hard to watch. FMIL ad FSFIL live about 2 miles down the street and yet we never see them, are never invited over, or always get last minute invitations. I am a planner, so an invitation at 4 to be at dinner at 5 is tough for me. I have told FI to plan stuff with his family and i'll happily go, but he doesn't, so I don't feel bad that we don't see them (i don't really get along with them anyways) FFIL and FSMIL live about an hour away and we see them a couple times a year, again if FI planned things i'd happily go, but he doesnn't so i don't stress about it.

The holidays are the worst because he wants to spend the time with his family, and i have no desire to, i say if your family really cared about us they would want to see us all year, not just on a certain date. And for christams 2 years ago we did it split (so FI was home alone, about 2 miles from his moms house) and his mom said he wasn't invited over until around lunch time as she wanted to do presents with her family (umm... hello, that is your son) so it makes it really hard for me to want to stay home and see them when we are only welcome for the meal, when we would spend the whole weekend with my family doing fun traditions.

It will hopefully get better, but I see kids only making it harder

bells24412 · March 2012

We are both pretty close to our families. And we live 10 minutes away from both of them when we move out together.

We make every effort to be with each other's family. We even rotate family holidays so we can be with each others so this has never been an issue with us. The only issue my FI has is that I do A LOT for my family and he sees it as they take advantage of me (my brothers in particular), but they are my family and I would do anything for them.

My FMIL I don't care for the way she treats my FSIL's kids. She lets them do and eat whatever they want so I know when we have kids, I am going to have a big issue with leaving my kids at her house and I expressed this to my FI and he agrees with me also.

QOTD (Pre-Cana inspired)

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