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Wedding Party
numero0uno
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Bridesmaid may not make it, opinions needed
My FI and I decided that we are going to ask his cousin to be my BM. She is currently in boot camp for the Air Force then goes to school until may and is Stations in June. She would not be able to ask for leave for the wedding until June when stationed and we understand she may not be able to attend.
I am sending her a package asking her to be my brides maid with a picture of the dress and flowers. I want to write something personal telling her how much she means to us and how we want her part of our day but we understand in the end if she wont be able to attend.
I would need her to order the dress on her own in Feb and do the fittings on her own, as I can not fly to Texas from NY to go with her. How can I word this all and not seem demanding. I just need her to pay for the dress ($155) and if she can attend the hair and makeup (150) but that will be discussed when the time comes. HELP!!
I am sending her a package asking her to be my brides maid with a picture of the dress and flowers. I want to write something personal telling her how much she means to us and how we want her part of our day but we understand in the end if she wont be able to attend.
I would need her to order the dress on her own in Feb and do the fittings on her own, as I can not fly to Texas from NY to go with her. How can I word this all and not seem demanding. I just need her to pay for the dress ($155) and if she can attend the hair and makeup (150) but that will be discussed when the time comes. HELP!!
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Re: Bridesmaid may not make it, opinions needed
You do not ask someone to be a bridesmaid with a package telling them what they have to pay for.
It would be like "Hey if you have the $300 we would love for you to be a BM".
I'm not saying that is what your mean, but that is how it could be received.
You should ask her to be a bridemaid, if she says yes, they you ask for the budget for the dress, THEN you pick out the dress. Not the the other way around.
Considering her situation, I would imagine she would decline. Who want to fork over $150 for dress she might not be able to even use.
What I was asking is how can I word it so that she knows we really want her to be a part of our wedding but we do understand in the end if she won't be able to attend. We also understand that we will not know until the sometime in August for our September wedding.
You can ask her to be a BM, then discuss budget with her. If you REQUIRE pro hair and makeup, you pay for it, that 's the rule. If she can't make it, just list her in the program as BM, because you have bestowed that honor on her. It would be dishonorable to ask her and then not list her if she can't be there.
[QUOTE]I wouldn't tell her the price of the dress or that information when asking her i was just stateing information about my problem. Last time I posted on here every bride told me to ask her even with the notion that she may not be able to attened, because she is the person we would want standing up there with us. And honestly 150 on a dress isn't that bad and I would prob give her every cent back in the event she can not attend. What I was asking is how can I word it so that she knows we really want her to be a part of our wedding but we do understand in the end if she won't be able to attend. We also understand that we will not know until the sometime in August for our September wedding.
Posted by numero0uno[/QUOTE]
How about," Would you do me the honor of being a bridesmaid in our wedding in September?' Then, if she balks because of scheduling, tell her exactly what you told us, that you want to give her the title because of what she means to you and you fully understand if she can't physically be there.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid may not make it, opinions needed : How about," Would you do me the honor of being a bridesmaid in our wedding in September?' Then, if she balks because of scheduling, tell her exactly what you told us, that you want to give her the title because of what she means to you and you fully understand if she can't physically be there.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
Ditto this. It won't come off as demanding or rude if you make it clear that you want her standing up with you. If you say anything about getting the dress on time or the price (at least in your initial conversation with her about being a BM), then she may get the wrong impression - that you are basing her involvement on how fast she can get the outfit and if she'll pay the required fee.
Also ditto the part about asking her what she can afford for the dress and including her in the selection of it, rather than saying, "Here's the dress and it's $150." $150 may not be a lot to YOU, or other people, but you don't know for a fact that that's an O.K. price with her.
Also, ditto that you cannot tell her that she must get hair and makeup done - if you are requiring it, then you have to pay for it. Period. If you are just saying, "I've arranged for hair and makeup to be $x if you want to get it done," then that's fine to give her a price quote. As long as you're giving her the option to get it done elsewhere or do it herself, you do not have to pay for her.
Another idea - rather than going through the stress and hassle of paying for and ordering and altering a dress that she may not even be able to use ... why not just invite her to wear her dress uniform? Military uniforms are considered neutral and will therefore coordinate with any color scheme. She will not ruin your photos, or your wedding, if she is not in the same outfit as the other girls. Your guests will not find it weird ... they will understand the situation, and plus they will likely be all the more appreciative of her service to our country. IMO this is the easiest and most stress-free way to go, because you don't have to worry about ordering her an outfit or making sure she pays and gets it altered in time.
[QUOTE]Another idea - rather than going through the stress and hassle of paying for and ordering and altering a dress that she may not even be able to use ... <strong>why not just invite her to wear her dress uniform</strong>? Military uniforms are considered neutral and will therefore coordinate with any color scheme. She will not ruin your photos, or your wedding, if she is not in the same outfit as the other girls. Your guests will not find it weird ... they will understand the situation, and plus they will likely be all the more appreciative of her service to our country. IMO this is the easiest and most stress-free way to go, because you don't have to worry about ordering her an outfit or making sure she pays and gets it altered in time.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
That's a great idea, actually. Chances are that after all the hard work she has put in during boot camp and school, that she will be proud to wear it. She can always have the option to dress like the other BMs if she is tired of wearing the uniform, but I'd say give her the option to wear her dress uniform. That is an extra honor!
[QUOTE]I want to write something personal telling her how much she means to us and how we want her part of our day but we understand in the end if she wont be able to attend.
Posted by numero0uno[/QUOTE]
This is really cute. I think it's great that you realize that if she can't make it, that's ok and want to honor her regardless.
That said, I agree with PPs about the dress. Please do not get your heart set on a dress until you discuss budget individually with each of your girls AND see it on them. A couple dresses I loved online looked so horrendous on my girls! And of course, if you are asking for pro hair and make-up, that's something you need to pay for, as PPs have said.
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THEN, if she accepts, ask her what she's comfortable spending on a dress before alterations.
And the hair and makeup if you require them need to come out of your pocketbook. If you make it optional then it's fine to say, "I'm getting hair and makeup done at X place and time and if you want to join me this is the cost."
However if you're making that part of their requirements then it needs to be part of your overall budget before you buy them any presents.
So while you do not think $150 is a lot. To an E-1 making $1399 a month before taxes, that can be a lot when you add in the other stuff. (of course they do not have the same expenses we do)
I still think you should ask her, but do not blind to the fact that $150 may be expensive to her.
Just a letter asking her to be your bridesmaid and maybe some encouragement for getting through boot camp would be sweet.
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Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
The dress uniform is a great idea as well.