Second Weddings

Wedding for Domestic Partnerships

My partner and I are planning to have a "wedding".  We were both married before, he has a 9 year old daughter, I have no children and do not want to have any.I would like to do a big blowout to celebrate "us" and "our undying love and commitment" but we are both not into the idea of marriage.  I know this may sound strange.
I would like to get some feedback..... we filed for domestic partnership in August, and he bought me an engagement ring and wedding band in November.  We are calling it a marriage already even though we are not legally married. He refers to me as his wife, and I refer to him as my husband.  The domestic partnership does give us a lot of rights without having to answer to the church or the state.
Is it ok to throw a wedding even though it would not be a legally binding marriage?  I want to do the white (well, ivory LOL) gown and the flowers and everything.  I have no experience or knowledge of what the etiquette is on this.

Thank you!
Valentina
knottie18b3d56969c10fd0

Re: Wedding for Domestic Partnerships

  • BTW, we have been together for 5 years and living together for 4 years :-)
    Valentina
  • If you were a gay couple, and living in a state where marriage has not yet been legalized, I would say yes.

    But I guess I don't understand why on earth you want to have the ceremony, the reception, the names, the rights and the responsibilities without actually getting married.  You are only not getting the license, right?  You still had to file paperwork with the state, so you aren't even avoiding that.  I don't understand, and I would bet your guests won't either.  Frankly, it sounds (to me) like you are looking to get presents.  Perhaps you can clarify for me? ~Donna
  • Hmmm.  Well, there's one other reason I can think of doing something like this, and that is the same reason that DH and I were handfasted, but then had to have a legal wedding later.  The reason is that the the ceremony that Pagans, like ourselves, use is not recognized here in the Bible belt. 

    But, yeah, I guess I have always equated a domestic partnership as the equivalent of a marriage.  Maybe I'm just uninformed, but can you tell me the difference?  For example, if you decide to end the relationship, do you just walk away from a domestic partnership or is there some sort of divorce-type legal arrangement?  If one of you dies in a domestic partnership (Goddess forbid) does the other one inherit everything even if there is no will?    I need clarification, too. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • thank you all for your feedback!

    The domestic partnership is recognized by the city and state of NY.  The rights we have are almost all of the rights we would have if we were married; except for 6 things (Workers comp death benefits - not eligible, no parental rights over his child in the event of his death, wrongful death claims, things of that nature).  There is a much longer list of rights we DO have.

    We don't want to get married and a lot of my married friends think it's a great idea.

    Termination of domestic partnership, is just that....going down to the city hall and filing for a termination which goes through in a few weeks.

    I'm not looking for presents....we have everything we need and I could make it clear on the invitation that presents are not necessary.  And probably not call it a wedding, but a celebration of our commitment.  We love to throw parties for our friends and they are all very supportive of our choice. 

    I guess I will continue to pray on it, talk about it again after the holidays, and figure out a plan.

    Thanks again!
    knottie18b3d56969c10fd0
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_wedding-domestic-partnerships?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:06bef23e-a96e-4d9d-abe5-a9c3a6af27eaPost:04d21adb-8b25-419b-bc59-bea49c3ae439">Re: Wedding for Domestic Partnerships</a>:
    [QUOTE]thank you all for your feedback! The domestic partnership is recognized by the city and state of NY.  The rights we have are almost all of the rights we would have if we were married; except for 6 things (Workers comp death benefits - not eligible, no parental rights over his child in the event of his death, wrongful death claims, things of that nature).  There is a much longer list of rights we DO have. We don't want to get married and a lot of my married friends think it's a great idea. Termination of domestic partnership, is just that....<strong>going down to the city hall and filing for a termination which goes through in a few weeks</strong>. I'm not looking for presents....we have everything we need and I could make it clear on the invitation that presents are not necessary.  <strong>And probably not call it a wedding, but a celebration of our commitment.</strong>  We love to throw parties for our friends and they are all very supportive of our choice.  I guess I will continue to pray on it, talk about it again after the holidays, and figure out a plan. Thanks again!
    Posted by santangelov[/QUOTE]

    <div>Not sure it's really a commitent if you can go down to city hall and get it disolved in a matter of weeks.    Different strokes for different folks I guess.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, don't say anything on the invitations about presents, even if it's to say "no presents please."  Use friends/family and word-of-mourth to let people know that you do not want gifts.</div>
    DSC_9275
  • annie912annie912 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Do the same rules apply in the case of a termination as far as property division? If you're not "married" is there a presumption of  "marital property" or is everything considered separate unless you chose to title it jointly? Just curious. It seems like you get most of the rights (except for the ones you stated above - although at least in my state, even if my FI dies after we get married I would not have any legal parental rights as far as his children are concerned and I believe most states follow suit) but less risk than with a marriage.

    The only advice I would have is 1) do not put anything about gifts on invites if you go ahead with this and 2) be careful as to which boards you post on. This seems like one of those gray areas where you might get called out for having a PPD (pretty princess day) since you already have the domestic partnership and aren't getting married. This isn't even really a vow renewal since there weren't any vows made, at least not in the traditional sense - correct me if I'm wrong on that, though.

    Not questioning your choice, I can definitely see valid reasons for going this route, but I really think the ettiquette on doing anything resembling a wedding in this case is a little sketchy. Maybe just a kick-butt party? (Can I say butt on here?)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Hi Annie - thank you!  
    I agree with the last paragraph you wrote Laughing

    Hi Avion - my friend just got divorced, she filed at the end of October and was divorced by December 7th, so in NY it takes about the same amount of time to dissolve in either case.  This is not a question of commitment. We are certainly "different folks".  I'm not even thinking about the process of ending it.  Our life together has just begun Smile

    And I agree with both of you about not mentioning gifts on the invitation, we can just work that out through word of mouth.

    I'm excited and very grateful for all of the helpful tips Cool
  • I completely understand the original poster. Both my guy and I are divorced with 2 kids each and we are both leery about going through marriage again. We are definitely committed to each other and feel like we would be much more successful with reach other as we got to "choose" our partners this time, and we share vey similar interests and ideas. Backstory: We both married our teenage sweethearts too young, had kids and then stayed out of obligation. I ultimately outgrew my husband ( he never left the high school mentality) and his wife cheated on him 3 x in their marriage. He and I met in our adult lives and feel like we are made for each other. But after difficult divorces we are both scared to try again, me more an he. We are still considering just having some sort of ceremony/ celebration to acknowledge our union as opposed to marriage ( though we both agree that adding a prenup to marriage would alleviate some of the stress we went through with a divorce ). We're still unsure. I know it's mostly me, but Im just so scared. My ex-h put me thru the ringer to get alimony from me and I never wanna do that again. Either way we will decide by 2014. That's when we plan to do something. Good luck on whatever you decide.
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