Substitute Guests?!

Lissa9461 · March 2010

Is there anything I can say on the invitations (without looking like a total b*itch) that clearly states if your name is not on the invitation then you are not invited? For example.. If I invite my cousin and her husband.. how can I make it clear that if her husband opts not to come, my cousin cannot bring someone else in his place.

Any ideas? I have a tight budget and already am required to invite a bunch of family in lieu of people I actually want there. The last thing I want is complete strangers attending my wedding........

Thanks for reading.

crfische · March 2010

Nope. You just write who you want to invite on the envelope with their names.

jajph1974 · March 2010

You could list each person by name on the RSVP card

katiewhompus · March 2010

Well, my first reaction is that substituting guests will have absolutely no impact on your budget. If you invite 2 people you pay for two people, it doesn't matter who the person is.

You're best bet is to just write down the names on the invite and hope the guests know what to do. I can't think of a polite way to say "no switching".

[Deleted User] · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_substitute-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed6b487b-f9be-4d45-b7be-d3bf5df73cc6Post:6b4272ea-bfdb-4a35-9ef7-5a779e929229">Substitute Guests?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there anything I can say on the invitations (without looking like a total b*itch) that clearly states if your name is not on the invitation then you are not invited? For example.. If I invite my cousin and her husband.. how can I make it clear that if her husband opts not to come, my cousin cannot bring someone else in his place. Any ideas? I have a tight budget and already am required to invite a bunch of family in lieu of people I actually want there. <strong>The last thing I want is complete strangers attending my wedding.</strong>....... Thanks for reading.
Posted by Lissa9461[/QUOTE]

I've never understood this. I seriously doubt that you'd even notice them and if they are coming as a guest of your loved ones, it's not like their crashing your wedding. But to answer your question, I think the best you can do is list specific names on the invitations.

Lissa9461 · March 2010

The reason I don't want substitute guests is because I've already had to butcher my guest list and if one guest can't make it, I want to be able to extend that invitation to another person that I'd like to come.. not have a "fill-in".

I just wish there were not so many rules. I'd rather invite a co-worker who I've seen daily for the past 2 years than a great Aunt I've seen twice in the last three years.. grrr....

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_substitute-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed6b487b-f9be-4d45-b7be-d3bf5df73cc6Post:678e08c5-4fb7-40df-b41e-624b59cc7f15">Re: Substitute Guests?!</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason I don't want substitute guests is because I've already had to butcher my guest list and if one guest can't make it, I want to be able to extend that invitation to another person that I'd like to come.. not have a "fill-in". I just wish there were not so many rules. I'd rather invite a co-worker who I've seen daily for the past 2 years than a great Aunt I've seen twice in the last three years.. grrr....
Posted by Lissa9461[/QUOTE]

B lists can bite you in the butt. Be careful.

katiewhompus · March 2010

Then don't invite the great aunt if she isn't important to you. Just be prepared for family backlash.

Just think, would you really want to get an invitation to a wedding happening in 2 weeks? It would be very obvious to the guests that they didn't make the first cut, and were only invited because someone else couldn't make it.

petehole · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_substitute-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed6b487b-f9be-4d45-b7be-d3bf5df73cc6Post:678e08c5-4fb7-40df-b41e-624b59cc7f15">Re: Substitute Guests?!</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason I don't want substitute guests is because I've already had to butcher my guest list and if one guest can't make it, I want to be able to extend that invitation to another person that I'd like to come.. not have a "fill-in". I just wish there were not so many rules. I'd rather invite a co-worker who I've seen daily for the past 2 years than a great Aunt I've seen twice in the last three years.. grrr....
Posted by Lissa9461[/QUOTE]

<div>It's frustrating, but it will all work out in the end. Just write the names on the invitation and hope that others follow proper etiquette also. I have to keep telling myself that things like this aren't going to be remembered 10 years from now, but I understand that it's a stressful process. Hang in there!</div>

Lissa9461 · March 2010

We have a budget for 100 guests. Just my family "must invites" account for 73 of the guests. I'm no where near dipping into the B list yet.

katiewhompus · March 2010

Who's paying? If you are then tell your family they get less "must invites", if they are paying then pay for extra guests.

Lissa9461 · March 2010

Thanks Petehole - you are sweet.

I don't think anyone would notice the super late invite.. its kind of a shot-gun wedding as it is..... I've yet to send invitations and we're getting married in June... oops.

[Deleted User] · March 2010

I don't think you are late in sending out the invites. I just sent mine last weekend and we are getting married in May.

katiewhompus · March 2010

I think they typically only go out 6 weeks prior to the date anyways. It would only be a problem if you send out the invites to the B listers 2 weeks prior to the day, and after the rsvp date has passed.

azrefugee · March 2010

We are paying for our wedding and we politely stated to our family that we are keeping the guest list to those who we actually have interaction with. This would not include the evil cousins from Ohio or aunt so and so. This worked out fine for us. It's something to think about.

eastunder1 · March 2010

I wouldn't want a bunch of people I didn't actually invite at my wedding whether it affected the budget and head count or not. I didn't invite them.

Like others said, just specifically list the people invited. If anyone tries to switcharoo on you, call them and inform them that the invitation was for "You and Husband" specificallty and not other people.

Nebb · March 2010

I dont see the big deal, If you want more friends there than family you need to put your foot down and invite them against your parents wishes, or suck it up. I had a number of friends choose to take someone other than who I had invited as their guest, and it was fine. If they are going to have a better time, whats the harm.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

People should know invitations are not admittance tickets. It means "You and your husband are invited" not "admit 2 adults to my wedding." If they RSVP for them and someone else, just call and explain that it was only for x and y.

PP had a good idea - you can do customized RSVP cards with each person's name on them. So:

John Smith ____ accepts ____ declines

Mary Smith ____ accepts ____ declines

squirrly · March 2010

I'm unclear as to why you aren't inviting the people you want to invite to your wedding. Really, rather than stress about a B list of sorts, why not find a way to invite those you WANT there instead of those you don't care so much about? Are your parents paying for the wedding and demanding these guests? Or are you and your FI paying?

And, if your guest list is 100 and 73 are YOUR family, what about his family?

brookelynpaisley · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_substitute-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed6b487b-f9be-4d45-b7be-d3bf5df73cc6Post:678e08c5-4fb7-40df-b41e-624b59cc7f15">Re: Substitute Guests?!</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason I don't want substitute guests is because I've already had to butcher my guest list and if one guest can't make it, I want to be able to extend that invitation to another person that I'd like to come.. <strong>not have a "fill-in".</strong> I just wish there were not so many rules. I'd rather invite a co-worker who I've seen daily for the past 2 years than a great Aunt I've seen twice in the last three years.. grrr....
Posted by Lissa9461[/QUOTE]

Ironically, that would be a "fill-in." I wouldn't make any attempt at a B list. The guests always figure it out, like when they get the invite 2 weeks before the wedding. Trust me, I understand not getting to invite everyone you want because of large families. My husband has 9 sets of aunts and uncles, so I get it. But I just chalked it up to the fact that it sucks I can't invite friends and went on with life.

Also, if you invite 2 people and they sub, it doesn't affect budget.

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_substitute-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed6b487b-f9be-4d45-b7be-d3bf5df73cc6Post:6b4272ea-bfdb-4a35-9ef7-5a779e929229">Substitute Guests?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there anything I can say on the invitations (without looking like a total b*itch) that clearly states if your name is not on the invitation then you are not invited? For example.. If I invite my cousin and her husband.. how can I make it clear that if her husband opts not to come, my cousin cannot bring someone else in his place. Any ideas? I have a tight budget and already am required to invite a bunch of family in lieu of people I actually want there. <strong>The last thing I want is complete strangers attending my wedding..</strong>...... Thanks for reading.
Posted by Lissa9461[/QUOTE]

Don't knock it. I have no friends and family, so I had to hire guests to come.

Globugf · March 2010

LOL-We invited my just my fiance's cousin who is not in a relationship. She broke with her long term boyfriend recently. On her RSVP back she included her 16 old daughter that doesn't live with her. My fiance said okay since he didn't know she had custody (Surprize because we didn't invite other cousin's children so this was going to be akward!) and we emailed her a note that it was okay and we wanted her daughter to sit with other family in her age group isnce the table we have her at had no additional space. She emailed back that here daughter went back to live with her dad and now she was bringing her boyfriend instead! WTF? I'm ticked because it's causing drama. No good deed goes unpunished. So peopple just do what they want and act like your rude if you say no.
BTW why can't people RSVP andymore--my wedding is 11 days away and 20 invitations have still not responded. No card, no seat!

Lissa9461 · April 2010

Ugh.. I'm so sorry.

I say that if you have email addresses of those who have not RSVPd that you send them an email that says, "seeing that you have not responded I can only assume that you are not coming. If this is incorrect, please let me know by XXX or you (and guest) will be removed from the final head count. Thanks for understanding...

Or something like that. I don't think people realize that they cost $100 each -

banana468 · April 2010

Lissa, that's one of the rudest things you can say.

If a guest hasn't responded, how about picking up the phone?

lyndausvi · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_substitute-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed6b487b-f9be-4d45-b7be-d3bf5df73cc6Post:3f33cbfa-e577-4957-a267-6eeba338ef1b">Re: Substitute Guests?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh.. I'm so sorry. I say that if you have email addresses of those who have not RSVPd that you send them an email that says, "seeing that you have not responded I can only assume that you are not coming. If this is incorrect, please let me know by XXX or you (and guest) will be removed from the final head count. Thanks for understanding... Or something like that. I don't think people realize that they cost $100 each -
Posted by Lissa9461[/QUOTE]

I received a returned wedding invitation a few days before the wedding. It was sent out 8 weeks earier with a wrong address and it still took that long to get back to me. I also received 2 RSVP the week of the wedding even though the post mark was 6 weeks eariler.

Just saying, it's not always people being rude and not replying.

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