Too many girls!!

bananas1309 · May 2011

So I have already chosen my 4 bridesmaids (want to keep it even with the groomsmen) BUT, I have a very close extended family and I want to include my female cousins in my wedding somehow...

I have a 16-year-old, a 17-year-old, a 15-year-old, and a 28-year-old cousin (my sister and other 21-year-old cousin are in my bridal party).

I'm pretty sure the teens will be happy if they get to wear a corsage and pass out programs, but I want to ask them in an 'official-ish' way, not just "hey, you wanna pass out programs at my wedding?" because we're having our annual reunion in july and I want to make it special for all the girls (I'm the first cousin to get married).

What's a more formal title for "program-girl"? Also, I'm unsure about what to do with the 28-year-old... she's the only cousin I was never very close with, but my parents think its etiquette to include her if I'm including all the other girls.

All suggestions appreciated!

zitiqueen · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_many-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88e0a589-5d88-4d54-afee-a81b55908104Post:099268fb-20eb-4016-b792-fbdf6896c730">Too many girls!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have already chosen my 4 bridesmaids (want to keep it even with the groomsmen) BUT, I have a very close extended family and I want to include my female cousins in my wedding somehow... I have a 16-year-old, a 17-year-old, a 15-year-old, and a 28-year-old cousin (my sister and other 21-year-old cousin are in my bridal party). I'm pretty sure the teens will be happy if they get to wear a corsage and pass out programs, but I want to ask them in an 'official-ish' way, not just "hey, you wanna pass out programs at my wedding?" because we're having our annual reunion in july and I want to make it special for all the girls (I'm the first cousin to get married). What's a more formal title for "program-girl"? Also, I'm unsure about what to do with the 28-year-old... she's the only cousin I was never very close with, but my parents think its etiquette to include her if I'm including all the other girls. All suggestions appreciated! =) Posted by bananas1309[/QUOTE]

Guest. That's an honor too.

Bullsh!t made-up jobs like "program girl" or guestbook attendant are crap jobs for people who weren't good enough to make the bridesmaid list.

vicki0508 · May 2011

I was really confused. I was like, banana has too many girls? Anyway.

If you are close enough to the girls that you want to include them, you should make them BMs, regardless of how many GMs your FI has. If you aren't close enough to them to have them be BMs, just let them be guests.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

If they aren't close enough to be BMs, don't insult them with pity jobs. Just let the be guests.

Or you could explain to them that you care more about even numbers than about them. I'm sure that will thin out the number of friends you need to deal with. People just love being treated like props.

Good luck with that.

acmj11 · May 2011

Reverse the roles. If your cousin came to you and said, "I'd be really honored if you'd pass out programs at my wedding," would you feel honored? Just trying to put it in perspective. Some people feel that advice that goes against their opinion is mean, but really I'm trying to be helpful.

PrincessMandie101312 · May 2011

My cousin had "extra" people as "honored guests". I was one of them. I got an official wedding photo with her and the groom and a corsage. Just before she walked down the aisle I put a white long stemed rose down in front of her.

I think if you have your 28 year old cousin as a Program person than yes its a crap job, she'd rather just be a guest. But I was 28 when I was an "honored" guest and I didn't mind at all. I was mentioned as an important person in the wedding, was a part of the big day and there were other aunts, uncles, cousins and good friends of the couple who were too old to be something like a candle lighter but since you can't have everyone as a bridesmaid or groomsman than it makes us feel like we're still a part of the big day.

mbcdefg · May 2011

I want to ask them in an 'official-ish' way, not just "hey, you wanna pass out programs at my wedding?" because we're having our annual reunion in july and I want to make it special for all the girls (I'm the first cousin to get married).

I honestly don't get what "official-ish" means. Are you planning on doing a rose ceremony like The Bachelor?

Just ask. And don't leave someone out because she'll throw the numbers off. That's mean.

Soon2BeMrsTing · May 2011

It's an honor to be a guest. Now that I've paid for and planned a wedding, I know it better than I ever did. Keep it simple and invite them to be guests.

kateynjoe · May 2011

I've been in the bridal parties and on the guest lists of many close cousins and have not felt any less honored sharing in their big days as a guest. There is so much that comes into play when choosing your bridal party and most people understand that you can't have every single person who's special to you "officially" in your wedding..... If we did that we would have no guests. If you do ask them to help out in some way, don't do it in an official-ish way, just ask them casually and afterwards be sure that they know how much you appreciate what they did and that it made your day even more special with them being involved in some way.

HawaiianTXbride · May 2011

In the south, the people who hand out the programs and greet are known as "house party members" and are listed next to the ushers. Because really, they are the first people who greet the guests, and then the ushers seat them. And I know for myself, if I was asked to be included in a wedding as a teenager, I would not consider handing out programs to be a crap job, I would feel honored.

PrincessMandie101312 · May 2011

LucyHC,
I wasn't being full of myself. I was simply stating what my cousin did and how I was a part of her wedding. I think that's its pretty "full of yourself" to think that you'll be able to have a wedding pose done with each of your guests, because you will be too busy, not to mention your photographer probably isn't going to be taking pictures for 8 hours, just for the ceremony and part of the reception.

Bananas,
I think no matter what you ask your older cousins to do will be fine with them. They won't feel it's a crap job because it's helping you with your big day. I get so tired of people thinking that helping a bride no matter what the chore, is beneath them. If they accept than great, if not ask someone else. It's ultimately your choice to have them in the wedding and it's their choice to agree or not.

OBX2011 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_many-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88e0a589-5d88-4d54-afee-a81b55908104Post:03ac9556-b8b7-4f7e-b130-a4c72fb692ac">Re: Too many girls!!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>In the south, the people who hand out the programs and greet are known as "house party members" and are listed next to the ushers</strong>. Because really, they are the first people who greet the guests, and then the ushers seat them. And I know for myself, if I was asked to be included in a wedding as a teenager, I would not consider handing out programs to be a crap job, I would feel honored.
Posted by HawaiianTXbride[/QUOTE]

Ummmmm like Hawaii south you mean.....riiiight? I live in the South and have family in the Carolinas and Texas and I have never heard of a "house part member"

OP....I would either fully include them in the wedding or don't include them at all. It's like saying "you aren't quite BM material but you ARE good enough to hand out programs"

MeganAngela · May 2011

Honestly, I think in the end you know your family better than we do. If you think they will be honored to help you out, then by all means, ask them. If you suspect they might be upset because they really just wanted to be your bridesmaids instead, I'd probably skip on asking them.

And I'm not sure when having a guest book attendant or a greeter was considered a "crap job" and "rude". Every wedding I've ever been to from the time I was 10 and a junior bridesmaid until now has had some sort of attendant at the door to greet guests warmly, ask them to sign the guest book and to remember to take a program. They didn't find it rude. They were glad to help and they always got a corsage and recognition in the program, as well as at the reception. Like I said, in the end we all know our families and friends best. If it is a tradition in your family/friend circle/culture to do something, take the advice here into consideration, but do what you feel best about.

If you do ask, I wouldn't say something like, "I'd be so honored to have you do (insert whatever here)," because it does sound kind of condescending. Just ask them if they would like to help you on your wedding day with a small task and that you'd really appreciate it. Let them decide if they want to do it or not.

acmj11 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_many-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88e0a589-5d88-4d54-afee-a81b55908104Post:dbf425f4-3b82-4e00-95d9-f56bdf0812d3">Re: Too many girls!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I think in the end you know your family better than we do. If you think they will be honored to help you out, then by all means, ask them. If you suspect they might be upset because they really just wanted to be your bridesmaids instead, I'd probably skip on asking them. <strong>And I'm not sure when having a guest book attendant or a greeter was considered a "crap job" and "rude". Every wedding I've ever been to from the time I was 10 and a junior bridesmaid until now has had some sort of attendant at the door to greet guests warmly, ask them to sign the guest book and to remember to take a program. They didn't find it rude. </strong> They were glad to help and they always got a corsage and recognition in the program, as well as at the reception. Like I said, in the end we all know our families and friends best. If it is a tradition in your family/friend circle/culture to do something, take the advice here into consideration, but do what you feel best about. If you do ask, I wouldn't say something like, "I'd be so honored to have you do (insert whatever here)," because it does sound kind of condescending. <strong>Just ask them if they would like to help you on your wedding day with a small task and that you'd really appreciate it. Let them decide if they want to do it or not.</strong>
Posted by MeganAngela[/QUOTE]

For the first bolded part, I'm pretty sure most people would prefer to be mingling or taking advantage of cocktails and appetizers than being tethered to the guestbook table. Also, it doesn't take a genious to figure out that the guestbook is for signing. My guestbook will be handling itself.

As for the second part, do you really think if someone doesn't want to do it they're going to say, "No, actually I really would rather drink at the bar." This is one of those questions where a person would say yes because they feel like they not really being given a choice in the first place. So, no. Just don't ask someone to do those "jobs".

Edit- My response was written based on the guest book being at the reception not at the church.

MeganAngela · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_many-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88e0a589-5d88-4d54-afee-a81b55908104Post:9263b3b1-3b50-4b16-b88a-131fb8d8b000">Re: Too many girls!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Too many girls!! : For the first bolded part, I'm pretty sure most people would prefer to be mingling or taking advantage of cocktails and appetizers than being tethered to the guestbook table. Also, it doesn't take a genious to figure out that the guestbook is for signing. My guestbook will be handling itself. As for the second part, do you really think if someone doesn't want to do it they're going to say, "No, actually I really would rather drink at the bar." This is one of those questions where a person would say yes because they feel like they not really being given a choice in the first place. So, no. Just don't ask someone to do those "jobs". Edit- My response was written based on the guest book being at the reception not at the church.
Posted by acmj11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Honestly, I've never been to a wedding, and I've been to a quite a few, where the guest book was at the reception. It has always been at the ceremony and there has always been a greeter who is a friend or family member, usually of the bride, who welcomes people to the wedding, asks them if they'd like to sign the guestbook, reminds them to grab a program, and then happily lets them know where to go where the ushers take over from there. I'm not going to say that happens everywhere. Obviously it doesn't. And as other Southern brides have mentioned, it is not normal where they are. However, in my area, that is just how we do things and it isn't seen as rude.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm just not as quick to judge a bride for doing something outside of "etiquette" purely based on the fact that I've seen some posts here where some Knotties tell people of different cultures, religions and from different countries that their traditions are rude. If something is a family or cultural tradition, whether I agree with it or not, I'm not going to tell a bride to stop doing a long honored tradition. I also come from an area where a family friend or close friend of the bride is the wedding coordinator. However, I know some people would see that as a meaningless job. Then again, my family and I, and FI's family grew up in a very rural area. This is all just what we do. :)
</div>

Thaut · May 2011

I couldn't agree more MeganAngela! Very well said:)

MeganAngela · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_many-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88e0a589-5d88-4d54-afee-a81b55908104Post:4c329095-754a-4b88-bd55-eabdc0b5f676">Re: Too many girls!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Etiquette and tradition are two ENTIRELY different things. I've been Guest Book Attendant and Punch Girl more times than I can count. I thought it was stupid to tell people how to pick up a pen and write their name. Unfortunately adults think kids just looooove to do that just as all teen girls just loooooove to babysit the little ones at family gatherings. If it's work, it's not an honor to the person. It also ties them to that task while everyone else enjoys the party. Will they do it? Yes....because they love you, which is more reason not to do that to them. People know to look for the guest book, and programs can be put into a basket next to it. GUEST is also an honor, and it "includes' people.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
I understand that. I just meant that sometimes etiquette and tradition differ and I've seen people insist that etiquette should be followed over tradition, which is just something I disagree with. Different strokes and all.

bananas1309 · May 2011

Wow... I'm surprised at how many responses this got!

First of all, my cousins are not expecting to be bridesmaids... they are significantly younger than me and are closest with my little sister.

We are having over 200 guests and I don't feel at all uncomfortable asking the girls to be honored. Perhaps my family is different than the average family, but I'd be excited to be apart of my cousin's wedding. I'm not going to force the girls to do some mundane task that they don't want to do, but I'd love for them to come to Kleinfeld with me to try on dresses, wear a corsage, attend my bridal luncheon, and get their hair done by my stylist. And knowing the girls, I'm sure they would love to greet people and hand out programs, although I'll ASK them, not force them.

I really like the idea of "House Party Members".

Thank you Hawaii and Megan for your insight and actually answering my question!

Too many girls!!

Re: Too many girls!!

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