Dealing With Someone Who Hates You

bsidebella · November 2011

I didn't want to bring this to the board but I have no one else to talk to about this and I trust you guys. This might be a long one. I might DD later, so please try not to quote, but I need to get this out.

A few weeks ago, I discovered that FI's sister does not like me. It has bothered me ever since, and given me stomach knots.

When I asked FI why, he said she told him that I was "rude" and that she "just couldn't be a sister" to me. When I asked why she thought I was rude, he said that apparently, a comment I'd made about an aunt's cooking methods was found to be incredibly rude by his sister's standards (what I actually said, as I watched this particular aunt rinse off a bowl of just-cooked pasta in cold water, was that I'd seen on "Chopped" that "shocking" pasta is no good for it because it strips off the carbohydrates, and that makes sauce stick to it.......is that rude? I honestly didn't mean it that way). That was the only example his sister gave, apparently. This revelation caused a huge fight between him and his sister, and they haven't spoken since August.

I did know that for quite sometime, she'd been spying on me through Facebook. Everytime I made a status update regarding money, she would "report" to FI's father, who would then in turn call FI to belittle him.

For example: back in May of this year, I won $200 at slots in Atlantic City. It was the most money I have ever won, ever, so naturally, I was excited to put it on Facebook and mentioned I was going to use my winnings to treat FI and myself to dinner. Within minutes of that being posted, FI's phone rang and he spent fifteen minutes getting chewed out by his dad, who told him we should be using that money to pay bills, not go out to dinner. FI asked how his dad knew about this and he said he saw it on Facebook. I am not Facebook friends with his father, but I was with his sister.

She also apparently accused me of faking my rotator cuff injury so I wouldn't have to work (because prescribed pain medications, 3 ER visits. two different orthopedists and 18 weeks of physical therapy is really committing to the lie), and repeated this to their mother, who repeated this to FI, and that caused a fight.

I removed her from my Facebook after I found out she didn't like me (up until that point I'd been "hiding" my statuses from her). A million thoughts race through my mind. I asked FI if his parents actually liked me. He said they did. I said, "What about the rest of your family?" He said they like me, too. Apparently only his sister has an issue with me. This is a woman who is near 30 years old, lives on the opposite side of the country, and I have been in the same room with less than 8 times over 3 years. And she now decides she has a problem with me?

I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed. I'm going back in my mind with a fine-tooth comb, rethinking every hug, every smile, every single conversation. What the hell did I do to make her think this way about me? I'm now paranoid that his sister might try to influence other family members and get them to hate me, too. I wonder if that's why his cousins are always so distant when I see them? Is that why smiles and hugs seem forced? Is that why I go ignored at family functions and they all seem uncomfortable talking to me? Or am I blowing things out of proportion in my mind?

I am torn between killing it with kindness and acting like a huge bitch right back. I want to be vengeful, maybe "forget" to send her an invitation to our wedding...maybe remove her from her part in the ceremony....tell her "sorry, we just can't afford to send gifts this year"...

Or do I bite everything back, smile with clenched teeth, and send her a really thoughtful holiday gift and pretend I'm none the wiser the next time I see her?

I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. Any thoughts or advice? I could really use it.

bethsmiles · November 2011

That is a crappy situation to be. It sounds like she is being SURER immature. I wouldn't suggest being a bitch right back (although I totally understand the desire to). Has your FI tried talking with his sister? Honestly, him not talking to her since August has probably made the whole situation worse, now she has another reason to justify to herself not liking you. Maybe he needs to have a frank talk with the rest of his family as well if her attitude is going to affect your relationship with them.

I think the only thing you can do is try to kill his family with kindness.

polkadot111 · November 2011

I'm in a similar situation, so I will share. Maybe you've already read about it- I know I've shared it on the board a few times.

FI's family doesn't like me. We've dated for 4 years now, and they're not a fan. I seriously do not get why. His father is the worst. He has NEVER said a word to me. Seriously. Other than 'hello' when we first met I suppose. It's extremely awkward. It makes me not want to go over there ever to visit and makes me want to skip their holidays because I just can't stand the hatred/awkwardness. His sister has told him, "Hope is just so not the one for you." His mother has told him, "You should date other girls- move on." Ummm, what? No people. We are not going to 'date others'. It's so frustrating and so incredibly hurtful that they would say that. I think all my life I've been convinced that I would have the type of in-laws that are so loving and who I call 'mom' and 'dad'- a second set of family. However, I realize that that is just not always the case. It sucks. But know you're not alone.

Here's what I do. I try to suck it up. I go over there and attempt to start conversations and try to talk to them. I'll bring them gifts for birthdays and holidays and try to love them. That's not to say that I WANT to go to all of these holidays. They are seriously awkward. But, I make myself. I have given up on the father though. When he wants to talk to me, then he can. But he's sort of a lost cause of feel like. Sadly, we do sort of 'marry' the family along with our husband. I feel like you just need to stick with it and hope that one day they'll come around.

GoldenPenguin · November 2011

I'm so sorry Bside. I agree with a lot of what Beth said... that even though he's angry with her at the situation, him not speaking to her may have exacerbated the situation. And that she's being super immature... tattling because of a Facebook status?? That really bothers me... I can't stand those kind of things.

What has his relationship been with his sister in the past? Is she married/engaged/in a relationship? Could it be a matter of serious sibling jealousy - either that their relationship has become more distant because he is getting married, or because she isn't happy? Regardless, it reeks of jealousy & immaturity.

I think your best course of action is to kill with kindness... I think returning the bitchiness would make you feel better in the short term, but would backfire in the long run. I think talking to the rest of his family would be a good idea too - especially his parents. If she's reporting back to them on every little thing, and they are calling FI immediately, he might want to talk to them about their perceptions and why they react the way they do.

Regardless, good luck. We're all here for you!! *hugs*

DanieKA · November 2011

Beth definitely gave you some good advice. I also wouldn't be a bitch right back since that's likely to just blow up into an outright war, and I in no way would want to be an active participant in that. I would kill her with kindness, though I'd have a hard time buying her thoughtful gifts and including her in the wedding (go generic!)

There's really nothing to do if she's determined to hate you no matter what. I would encourage your FI to talk to his sister, but it really sounds like she's a 30 year old tattle tail! If it's at all possible to keep her, and even other family out of your business as much as possible, I'd do that. The less ammunition they have, the more foolish they look for every nit-picky thing.

And that money was yours to spend the way you please. It would be one thing if you were living with his parents or they knew of some severe financial strain that you two had and advised using the money to pay off bills. But if you two are living independently and are doing fine, it's nobody's business how you spend some extra cash. It was ridiculous of your future sister in law to tattle, and it was ridiculous for his father to call and yell and your FI. It wasn't even his money, it was yours! It's none of their concern AT ALL.

I hope you don't let this get to you. It sounds like some members of his family are being awfully unfair.

GreenPepperBurger · November 2011

Send his sister an instruction manual:

1. Open butthole.

2. Remove stick.

Sorry I don't have better advice. Sometimes there are just going to be people who don't like us, for whatever reason. You can just try to be the better person and wish her double whatever she wishes you. *hugs*

bsidebella · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dealing-someone-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47902cb9-cec0-48f2-b9df-6b66f7bfe989Post:7489a756-5d85-4be2-b5e1-de1adf91effb">Re: Dealing With Someone Who Hates You</a>:
[QUOTE]What has his relationship been with his sister in the past? Is she married/engaged/in a relationship? Could it be a matter of serious sibling jealousy - either that their relationship has become more distant because he is getting married, or because she isn't happy?
Posted by BriSox81[/QUOTE]

She is married; it will be a year in February. She and her now-husband dated for 5 years before they got married.

As for their relationship, it used to be not good. As they got older, they became friendlier, and when she moved across the country, they were closer than ever - but I think that's an absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder type thing.

becunning2 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dealing-someone-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47902cb9-cec0-48f2-b9df-6b66f7bfe989Post:036681ca-72c5-4f92-984b-9ad2322e6ecf">Re: Dealing With Someone Who Hates You</a>:
[QUOTE]Send his sister an instruction manual: 1. Open butthole. 2. Remove stick. Sorry I don't have better advice. Sometimes there are just going to be people who don't like us, for whatever reason. You can just try to be the better person and wish her double whatever she wishes you. *hugs*
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

Bwah ha haha ha! That made me snort. Which is impressive, since I'm super grumpy about the Chiefs game, just read Bside's story, and am otherwise hungry and uncomfortable... but enough of that!

I think the other girls gave you some great advice bside. Drawing a line in the sand and going into battle mode over this isn't going to get you what you want, and it'll end up dragging more family members into the mess (who seem, otherwise, to like you well enough). Your FI stuck up for you, repeatedly. Love him for that--but don't make it worse for him by being vengeful. Kill with kindness. It hurts when we want to be liked and we end up being rejected (especially for crazy, inane reasons), but we can't make everyone like us, just like we can't like everyone. Take the higher ground; it'll be better in the long run for you.

bsidebella · November 2011

GPB - you can always make me crack up even when I'm not in the mood to

Thanks, gals. I knew I could count on you all to help keep me sane. This has been plaguing me for days and I couldn't stand keeping it inside anymore. I need to stop with the negative thoughts and being spiteful.

While everyone has been spot on with advice and making me feel so much better, cunning, you said it best: "Take the higher ground."

It may kill me to be nice, but you know what I learned from an episode of CSI once? Smiling offsets the gag reflex.

I guess I should just ... smile

mymissingpuzzlepiece · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dealing-someone-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47902cb9-cec0-48f2-b9df-6b66f7bfe989Post:cf492a67-e4aa-4bfa-80e2-7a8b6384461a">Dealing With Someone Who Hates You</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't want to bring this to the board but I have no one else to talk to about this and I trust you guys. This might be a long one. I might DD later, so please try not to quote, but I need to get this out. A few weeks ago, I discovered that FI's sister does not like me. It has bothered me ever since, and given me stomach knots. When I asked FI why, he said she told him that I was "rude" and that she "just couldn't be a sister" to me. When I asked why she thought I was rude, he said that apparently, a comment I'd made about an aunt's cooking methods was found to be incredibly rude by his sister's standards (what I actually said, as I watched this particular aunt rinse off a bowl of just-cooked pasta in cold water, was that I'd seen on "Chopped" that "shocking" pasta is no good for it because it strips off the carbohydrates, and that makes sauce stick to it.......is that rude? I honestly didn't mean it that way). That was the only example his sister gave, apparently. This revelation caused a huge fight between him and his sister, and they haven't spoken since August. I did know that for quite sometime, she'd been spying on me through Facebook. Everytime I made a status update regarding money, she would "report" to FI's father, who would then in turn call FI to belittle him. For example: back in May of this year, I won $200 at slots in Atlantic City. It was the most money I have ever won, ever, so naturally, I was excited to put it on Facebook and mentioned I was going to use my winnings to treat FI and myself to dinner. Within minutes of that being posted, FI's phone rang and he spent fifteen minutes getting chewed out by his dad, who told him we should be using that money to pay bills, not go out to dinner. FI asked how his dad knew about this and he said he saw it on Facebook. I am not Facebook friends with his father, but I was with his sister. She also apparently accused me of faking my rotator cuff injury so I wouldn't have to work (because prescribed pain medications, 3 ER visits. two different orthopedists and 18 weeks of physical therapy is really committing to the lie), and repeated this to their mother, who repeated this to FI, and that caused a fight. I removed her from my Facebook after I found out she didn't like me (up until that point I'd been "hiding" my statuses from her). A million thoughts race through my mind. I asked FI if his parents actually liked me. He said they did. I said, "What about the rest of your family?" He said they like me, too. Apparently only his sister has an issue with me. This is a woman who is near 30 years old, lives on the opposite side of the country, and I have been in the same room with less than 8 times over 3 years. And she now decides she has a problem with me? I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed. I'm going back in my mind with a fine-tooth comb, rethinking every hug, every smile, every single conversation. What the hell did I do to make her think this way about me? I'm now paranoid that his sister might try to influence other family members and get them to hate me, too. I wonder if that's why his cousins are always so distant when I see them? Is that why smiles and hugs seem forced? Is that why I go ignored at family functions and they all seem uncomfortable talking to me? Or am I blowing things out of proportion in my mind? I am torn between killing it with kindness and acting like a huge bitch right back. I want to be vengeful, maybe "forget" to send her an invitation to our wedding...maybe remove her from her part in the ceremony....tell her "sorry, we just can't afford to send gifts this year"... Or <strong>do I bite everything back, smile with clenched teeth, and send her a really thoughtful holiday gift and pretend I'm none the wiser the next time I see her?</strong> I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. Any thoughts or advice? I could really use it.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

I think this is the only thing you can do. Being bitchy right back isn't going to solve anything because then she will just have something else to use against you. The reasons why she doesn't like you probably make no sense at all and she is just making up reasons. If you act bitchy towards her, then she will actually have something to point out. If you just stay the nice person that you are, and even kick it up a notch, there is nothing she can say.

alanna91 · November 2011

I agree with beth saying "kill them with kindess", but I also think you should let them know you're aware they dislike you. Instead of acting oblivious, you could pull his sister aside or even send her message acknowledging the riff and expressing remorse that whatever you've done in the past has caused her to dislike you. Add that you and her brother will be together for the rest of your lives, and you hope to have a good relationship with her as well because of this.
That way, next time you see her and his parents, they'll know that you know they don't like you and will probably be impressed with you being the bigger person and still being kind and gracious towards them.

The above is probably full of grammar mistakes but I'm in a rush and just wanted to get that out there for you. Hope it helps!

bsidebella · November 2011

mymissingpuzzlepiece: Could you please remove the quote? I specifically asked not to be quoted at the very beginning.

And I would never be a bitch right back - it was just how I was feeling when I found out. I'm sure we've all been that mad at someone.

Simply Fated · November 2011

I would kill her with kindness. That always drives irrational people crazy. They want you to hate them back so they can justify their behavior. FWIW, I don't think your pasta comment was rude. It just sounds like you were making conversation, to me. Not everyone is going to like you and I think it's safe to saying that we've all had people who didn't like us for irrational or nonsensical reasons. Those people suck if they do things like call your FIL and "rat" you out for going to dinner. Out of curiosity, how did it come up in conversation that you even found out she didn't like you?

paintgirl · November 2011

I'm with Alanna. I'd find an opportunity to say, "Hey, things between us seem weird lately. Have I done something to upset you? If I have, I'd like to know what it was so I can either explain it or avoid doing it again."

Otherwise the "kill them kindness" is a good plan but basically is just being passive-aggressive (which I'm usually in favor of - I'm a Libra - but if you want a relationship with her at any point and want to avoid bring more family members in to this over a lifetime, you might need to address it head on).

bsidebella · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dealing-someone-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47902cb9-cec0-48f2-b9df-6b66f7bfe989Post:3395f412-2ac0-4338-a9e9-4592ddf353c7">Re: Dealing With Someone Who Hates You</a>:
[QUOTE]Out of curiosity, how did it come up in conversation that you even found out she didn't like you?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

TBH, it wasn't a conversation. It was a very nasty fight between FI and me. I don't really want to talk about it, but it was something along the lines of, "This is why my sister doesn't like you."

jorja86 · November 2011

Bside, I am so, so sorry that you're going through this.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have a really complicated relationship with BFs family, especially his sister. I won't get in to specifics here, because it would take hours, but a lot of what you referred to in your OP sounds realllly familiar. Especially the tattling part. I agree with PP that that kind of behavior essentially shows the immaturity of the person involved.

I totally understand wanting to be a total bitch back to the crazy SIL. I continue to have a really hard time not reacting this way to BFs ridiculous sister. But, I think in the end it's better to show how classy and unflappable you are then it is to sink to that level.

Maybe it's the southern belle in me, but in the words of Miranda Lambert "I don't have to be hateful, I can just say 'bless your heart'". Best insult ever.

bsidebella · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dealing-someone-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47902cb9-cec0-48f2-b9df-6b66f7bfe989Post:0075f7e0-0d56-45f0-959d-245361f80322">Re: Dealing With Someone Who Hates You</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's the southern belle in me, but in the words of Miranda Lambert "I don't have to be hateful, I can just say 'bless your heart'". Best insult ever.
Posted by jorja86[/QUOTE]

Ha! A lady I work with (who is also Southern) tends to say, "Bless her/his heart" whenever she's trying really hard not to insult someone xD

jorja86 · November 2011

Yep. I especially like it in the context of "she's such a crazy, crazy biatch. bless her heart"

csousa1 · November 2011

I'm late to this, but I wanted to add a couple things.

1) I completely respect you not wanting to get into how you found out so feel free to tell me to butt out, but that comment that your FI made is unacceptable. I'm sure you are aware of that, I just wanted to point out that you would be well within your rights to take serious exception with that level of insensitivity and disrespect from him. It sort of negates any way that he ever stuck up for you with his sister in the past, IMO.

2) She's being a bully. The only way to handle a bully is to make it clear to them that you cannot be bullied. For example - don't sink to her level (doesn't sound like you would have anyway), don't pretend nothing has happened (this doesn't mean you have to have some big confrontation, you just don't have to act clueless that she doesn't like you), and be the bigger person. You don't have to be drippingly sweet to her, and in fact I think that would undermine your message. Treat her like you would a brand new co-worker. Friendly, professional, respectful, but not close and warm and familiar. Keep this woman at arm's length. She has already proven that she will use any and all personal information against you. And above all, do not let her serious immaturity and bitterness bother you. It is fine to have the reactions you listed above, that's only natural - but try to work through it and don't let yourself stay with this turmoil inside you for too long. That is probably exactly what she wants.

That all being said, if she were to ever for any reason be rude to you in front of ANYONE, or even on your own, you have every right to call her out. Obviously doing it calmly would have a better effect, but you would have every right to tell her you do not appreciate her behavior and that you hope it can stop so that you can get along in the many years you have to be around each other. Just because she is related to your future husband does not give her any special power over you.

bsidebella · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dealing-someone-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47902cb9-cec0-48f2-b9df-6b66f7bfe989Post:d8dc46aa-a130-4047-884c-d34ac1b7caa6">Re: Dealing With Someone Who Hates You</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Treat her like you would a brand new co-worker. Friendly, professional, respectful, but not close and warm and familiar. Keep this woman at arm's length. </strong>She has already proven that she will use any and all personal information against you. And above all, do not let her serious immaturity and bitterness bother you. It is fine to have the reactions you listed above, that's only natural - but try to work through it and don't let yourself stay with this turmoil inside you for too long. That is probably exactly what she wants.
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

That is a terrific idea. I barely see her (like I said, it's a single-digit number of the amount of times I have been in the same room as her over the course of 3 years) so being friendly, professional and respectful seems like a perfect solution.

I honestly shudder to think what would have happened if FI and I actually did move out to Portland as we had planned, which is where she lives (and being closer to her was the reason FI wanted to move there).

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