do we invite her or no?

Winnertag1 · February 2012

thanks everyone, i think ive got this figured out. i do appreciate everyones input!

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:6fd35ec9-94fb-4123-95a9-710b9f9c4f9d">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to do we invite her or no? : Are you saying they used to hook up so you don't want to invite her? He's marrying *you*, not her.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I know it sounds really childish but it is a mix of that, and how she reacted to the whole engagement. When she found out she made it about herself and went on about how he never kept her in the loop, one of the texts she specifically sent my FI was, 'WTF Derek, now you're just engaged without even talking to me about it?"</div><div>
</div><div>If it was just 'hooking up' i honestly wouldnt care, to me it just seemed like a relationship which they never 'labelled' and some of the people i have spoken to have said the same thing. i see it like having an ex there.</div><div>
</div><div>I know hes marrying me and not her, thats not the concern.</div>

rardito · February 2012

I would invite her. It's his wedding too. And you probably won't even notice her being there because you will be so busy enjoying yourselves.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:84bd49a2-6f87-4779-a1b5-25e8fcdb69f7">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: do we invite her or no? : But either way it's over. So I'm not sure I really see the problem here.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
Haha I wish i saw things are clearly as you, I have a habbit of stressing over the simpliest things. I guess i just dont want any 'exes' at the wedding and since they hadnt seen eachother in almost a year and havent really spoken it shouldnt have been relevant. <div>
</div><div>Thanks for your advice! I really do appreciate it. I hope i didnt come off as some crazy controlling jealous gf, cause I really am not! lol</div>

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:c85c35aa-25a5-4d3a-a416-cd0b50e85cb2">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would invite her. It's his wedding too. And you probably won't even notice her being there because you will be so busy enjoying yourselves.
Posted by rardito[/QUOTE]
Yeah this sounds fair. Thanks for your input! =)

mari0225 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:d5e334a6-3cd1-48b5-be73-bfd5ade23071">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think by not inviting her, you're almost giving her power. KWIM? I get why you have weird feelings about her, I really do, but you more than likely won't even notice her at the wedding, and at the same time your FI won't be butthurt either.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, I wouldn't be thrilled about having one of my FI's "Friends" at the wedding but if I was going to cause huge issues with FI I would just deal. I wouldn't want her to have that kind of power, plus it shows her that I can be the bigger person.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:d5e334a6-3cd1-48b5-be73-bfd5ade23071">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think by not inviting her, you're almost giving her power. KWIM? I get why you have weird feelings about her, I really do, but you more than likely won't even notice her at the wedding, and at the same time your FI won't be butthurt either.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
I hadnt really seen it that way, but that is definitely true.<div>Thanks, that is what ill probably end up doing. =)</div>

AmJam04 · February 2012

I get what you're trying to say...

Honestly, there's only so much you can tell us on a website. Only you know your whole situation. But, from what you've told us, I wouldn't want her to come to the wedding, either.

There's definitely a difference between your FI having a great friend of the opposite sex come to the wedding, and your FI wanting a used-to-be good friend that he used to have sex with come to the wedding.

MrsGandthebeag · February 2012

It sounds like you don't really trust your FI or you think he may still have feelings for this girl. Otherwise, it wouldn't bother you. I think maybe you guys should get some premarital counseling.

HannahK15 · February 2012

I guess I just feel like this is something you should have worked out before your engagement. IMO

blgrout · February 2012

Also keep in mind that being your wedding day, it's not like either one of you are going to spend the day hanging out with her. I would say if you invite her and she comes to see him marry you, there's absolutely nothing to worry about (it sounds like it was all FWB in the past, which is over anyhoo).

ETA: Hi. I'm retarded and just realized I pretty much wrote the same exact thing as radito. lol.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:8ace6144-dc50-4f08-9524-7c5fb44e031c">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you don't really trust your FI or you think he may still have feelings for this girl. Otherwise, it wouldn't bother you. I think maybe you guys should get some premarital counseling.
Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]
this isnt the case at all, i completely trust him. it is essentially like having an ex at the wedding, my reasoning for not wanting her there is not cause i think hes going to see her and run off with her or cheat on me or anything like that, that is not a concern of mine at all, it is just someone from his past that i did not personally fell should be at our wedding.<div>
</div><div>would you tell anyone who didnt want their significant others ex at their wedding to seek premaritial counselling? we've only fought about this once and both ended up just saying it doesnt matter and its up to the other person, he told me he wouldnt be upset either way and asked if i would be willing to meet her before we decide on anything and i said sure.</div>

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:e93b8b98-ce7f-42c3-af97-b40ee27768f8">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I just feel like this is something you should have worked out before your engagement. IMO
Posted by HannahK15[/QUOTE]
People usually dont go over wedding guest lists/invites before getting engaged? But okay, thanks.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:f3437265-f467-4832-938d-39870b3d190f">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also keep in mind that being your wedding day, it's not like either one of you are going to spend the day hanging out with her. I would say if you invite her and she comes to see him marry you, there's absolutely nothing to worry about (it sounds like it was all FWB in the past, which is over anyhoo). ETA: Hi. I'm retarded and just realized I pretty much wrote the same exact thing as radito. lol.
Posted by blgrout[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for your input! I completely agree. </div>

Winnertag1 · February 2012

Thanks for your advice ladies!

Spoke to my FI about it and told him that it is up to him as to whether he wanted to invite her or not and that i wouldnt be upset if he did and apologized if i seemed to be irrational. He apologized and said that he understands why I wouldve thought it would be weird and suggested that before we make things final I atleast hangout/meet her in a social setting and we go from there. I promised that I would go into it with a open mind and not dislike her from the start.

yay our first wedding planner disagreement is over with.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:58878edc-4ded-458b-a829-4073c738a42f">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: do we invite her or no? : this isnt the case at all, i completely trust him. it is essentially like having an ex at the wedding, my reasoning for not wanting her there is not cause i think hes going to see her and run off with her or cheat on me or anything like that, that is not a concern of mine at all, it is just someone from his past that i did not personally fell should be at our wedding. would you tell anyone who didnt want their significant others ex at their wedding to seek premaritial counselling? we've only fought about this once and both ended up just saying it doesnt matter and its up to the other person, he told me he wouldnt be upset either way and asked if i would be willing to meet her before we decide on anything and i said sure.<div>
</div><div>edit/sorry if that seemed snappy/rude, i do appreciate your advice.
Posted by DileniN[/QUOTE]

</div>

hearthemelody · February 2012

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: do we invite her or no? : People usually dont go over wedding guest lists/invites before getting engaged? But okay, thanks.
Posted by DileniN[/QUOTE]

I think what she meant was:

It sound like you may have some unresolved issues regarding your FI's ex. Perhaps you should have waited to get engaged until those issues have been worked out. That would have precluded this problem, and would enable a much healthier relationship.

Perhaps, maybe, possibly what she was trying to say.

Gabrielle76 · February 2012

Call me petty, but there is no way anyone FI or I ever slept with would be invited to the wedding.

Katelyn89 · February 2012

I wouldn't want to invite her either, but like PP said: don't give her the upper hand. Be the bigger person and you probably won't even notice her there.

Katelyn89 · February 2012

Also, your wedding isn't for like 14 months... maybe they will drift apart by then and you won't even have to decide on inviting her or not and there won't be an issue.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:01746aa1-e203-4acf-8fcd-3a564661f8d6">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Call me petty, but there is no way anyone FI or I ever slept with would be invited to the wedding.
Posted by Gabrielle76[/QUOTE]
haha yeah, i think its a bit outrageous that im being told that i should seek prematial counselling and that we shouldnt have gotten engaged yet cause i essentially do not want an ex at the wedding, but to each their own.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:a781f74e-786b-4fc6-8d44-27137f26a17a">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think what she meant was: It sound like you may have some unresolved issues regarding your FI's ex. Perhaps you should have waited to get engaged until those issues have been worked out. That would have precluded this problem, and would enable a much healthier relationship. Perhaps, maybe, possibly what she was trying to say.
Posted by hearthemelody[/QUOTE]
No, i do not have any unresolved issues with his ex, I am perfectly capable of understanding that she is his past and that on his side there are obviously no feelings anymore, but my mindstep/belief was that shes his past, why bring the past into our future? This isnt just for my wedding, but I would personally find it weird if i went to a friends wedding and she/he had invited his ex.

sdose13 · February 2012

Question, how would he feel if he were in your shoes? He says there were no feelings about the sex, but they were friends, and he really wants to invite her? that seems odd. I guarantee that if this were me and my H, there's no way either of us would have wanted the other's former F-buddy at the wedding. I don't think you're out of line here, at all.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:680b5bf1-6be5-4d22-afcc-4228de8504f1">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Question, how would he feel if he were in your shoes? He says there were no feelings about the sex, but they were friends, and he really wants to invite her? that seems odd. I guarantee that if this were me and my H, there's no way either of us would have wanted the other's former F-buddy at the wedding. I don't think you're out of line here, at all.
Posted by sdose13[/QUOTE]
To give him the benefit, hes able to seperate sex and emotional feelings, which is something i personally havent been able to do, to him he just sees her as a close friend who hes slept with and he can seperate the two, in my mind shes an ex and in his she isnt. I asked him that and he said he wouldnt care but I think its different if he were actually in the situation as opposed to a hypothetical one. <div>
</div><div>Either way, I should be open about everything so in the end im just going to let him decide. </div>

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:1b30da66-0ac3-4c5a-9292-ddbaf56ad3ed">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, your wedding isn't for like 14 months... maybe they will drift apart by then and you won't even have to decide on inviting her or not and there won't be an issue.
Posted by Katelyn89[/QUOTE]
i think we will probably end up inviting her but if that happens i sure wont mind it, im not going to make him stop being friends with her for this reason tho haha<div>
</div><div>thanks for your help! =)</div>

bruna29 · February 2012

I know you've already made up your mind, and I am really glad that you're being so open-minded with your FI, but I feel like I can give you a different point of view.

I am actually really close friends with my ex-boyfriend of four years. We dated all through high school and some of undergrad. Obviously we broke up (I broke it off with him), and I met my FI, but my ex and I are still pretty close. Now I'm not saying we have casual sex or anything of that sort; I'm just saying that we are still really good friends, and I really value our friendship. He is definitely coming to my wedding, and I would expect to be at his.

I can completely understand how you feel in this situation. I try to imagine if my FI had a close ex as a friend, and that would be hard to deal with. I have no feelings for my ex anymore, and my FI is comfortable with us being friends, but I do understand that we have a unique situation. I guess I just wanted to explain things more so from the other side.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:22eabf30-9230-47e2-baee-2af711fd2217">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know you've already made up your mind, and I am really glad that you're being so open-minded with your FI, but I feel like I can give you a different point of view. I am actually really close friends with my ex-boyfriend of four years. We dated all through high school and some of undergrad. Obviously we broke up (I broke it off with him), and I met my FI, but my ex and I are still pretty close. Now I'm not saying we have casual sex or anything of that sort; I'm just saying that we are still really good friends, and I really value our friendship. He is definitely coming to my wedding, and I would expect to be at his. I can completely understand how you feel in this situation. I try to imagine if my FI had a close ex as a friend, and that would be hard to deal with. I have no feelings for my ex anymore, and my FI is comfortable with us being friends, but I do understand that we have a unique situation. I guess I just wanted to explain things more so from the other side.
Posted by justdance93[/QUOTE]
Thats what my fiance tried to explain to me as well, I guess at first it didnt make sense to me but i wasnt in the situation so i wouldnt understand at first and I guess the stubborn part of me wasnt willing to. I dont have anything to be worried about and I dont want him to lose a good friend of his for no reason.<div>
</div><div>Thanks for your advice :)</div>

chrryblndchick · February 2012

OP, just so you know, deleting your original post after your question has been answered is considered rude. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and have taken everyone's advice to heart. But other people may have a similar question as you, so it's good to leave the original post up even if you feel like your question has been answered and personally don't need any more advice.

Winnertag1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-we-invite-her-or-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6612e3e8-b82e-4e33-a5ce-22d2bf2bbfd9Post:07dcdc7f-0117-4049-87ad-c4ca9dd6dd33">Re: do we invite her or no?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, just so you know, deleting your original post after your question has been answered is considered rude. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and have taken everyone's advice to heart. But other people may have a similar question as you, so it's good to leave the original post up even if you feel like your question has been answered and personally don't need any more advice. :)
Posted by chrryblndchick[/QUOTE]
Sorry about that, I will keep that in mind next time! Thanks for letting me know =)

do we invite her or no?

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